[Troubledwife86]

I've been married for 7 years with my husband, we have 3 kids. [7, 5 and 2 years old]

I actually don't know where to start but I am really sick and tired of my husband being temperamental, being a spoiled brat, being negative, irresponsible, abusive and selfish.

He grew up being spoiled and having all the things he WANTS and NEEDS. On the other hand, I grew up working hard for all the things I want and NEED in this LIFE. I've been holding up the family financially from my kids school, groceries, house payments etc so to cut it short he doesn't provide the necessary financial needs of the family.

He is very sensitive and gets offended very easily and doesn't listen to any of my constructive inputs about things. Wwe are very opposite.

I have forgiven him more than you will ever know I've been physically abused before and emotionally abused as well.

There are a lot of instances that I give in to what he wants just for the sake of giving in and not having any fight at all. He has alot of debts that I paid for and her mom paid for, he was gambling recently thinking that he will win a lot of money but he didn't ending up having no money at all. He is sucking up my salary dry just so I can provide for the family. I have no regrets with giving what's best for the family but do I really deserve this Life? he always think about what he wants what he needs, If I get angry he will dismiss and still insist he is the victim. He knows what's right and wrong but still he does the things which is wrong.

I talk to his mom about it since my husband asks money from him when in need but what do I do? I don't want my kids to grow up seeing us fighting all the time.

Please HELP!

 

[Uptown]

Troubled, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, temper tantrums, physical and verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your H has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting that he may exhibit strong traits of it.

I've been physically abused before.

If your H is a BPDer (i.e., if his behavior is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

I am really sick and tired of my husband being temperamental, being a spoiled brat, being negative, irresponsible, abusive and selfish.

If he is a BPDer, his emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old. This means that he is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses available to a young child. These include temper tantrums, verbal abuse, denial, projection, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.

He is very sensitive and gets offended very easily and doesn't listen to any of my constructive inputs about things.

If he is a BPDer, that behavior is to be expected. A BPDer is extremely thin skinned and thus tends to get his feelings hurt easily by innocent actions and comments. Because a BPDer cannot regulate his own emotions, he frequently experiences feelings so intense that they distort his perception of your intentions and motivations. He therefore will mistakenly see threats where they don't exist.

I give in to what he wants just for the sake of giving in and not having any fight at all.

This "giving in" is called "walking on eggshells." It is what you do to avoid triggering another unpredictable outburst. This is what the abused partners of BPDers do a lot of the time to keep peace in the family. Sadly, it is harmful to both parties. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

He was gambling recently thinking that he will win a lot of money but he didn't ending up having no money at all.

Because BPDers are too immature to control their own impulses, they tend to engage in risky behaviors that mature adults try to avoid. This is why "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors" is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD.

If I get angry he will dismiss and still insist he is the victim.

Like a young child, a BPDer has a weak, unstable sense of self identity. To the extent that he has any lasting sense of self, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Hence, in the same way that a narcissist seeks continual validation of his false self identity of being "The Special Person," a BPDer seeks frequent validation of being "The Victim."

The result is that a BPDer will allow you to remain in the marriage only as long as you continue to play one of two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" his false self image of being "The Victim" because, if he were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue him or to persecute him. This is why, during the courtship period, a BPDer views his partner as a rescuer and then -- when his infatuation starts to weaken about six months later -- starts viewing her as a perpetrator (i.e., as the cause of every misfortune and mistake).

Please HELP!

I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your 3 children are dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after living with him for 7 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as physical and verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether the situation is sufficiently serious to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and to suggest good online resources. Take care, Troubled.

 

[Troubledwife86]

Hi Uptown,

Your response is very helpful to the point that it hits right the SPOT.
Your explanation of how my H has been for the past 7 years is because of BPD. It clearly characterizes his traits and has been very stressful already.

I will read your thread and the book recommendations. It's really making me exhausted to the point that I no longer value the things that needs to be done just to appease him.

Thank you so much!

 

[aine]

I've been married for 7 years with my husband, we have 3 kids. [7, 5 and 2 years old]

I actually don't know where to start but I am really sick and tired of my husband being temperamental, being a spoiled brat, being negative, irresponsible, abusive and selfish.

He grew up being spoiled and having all the things he WANTS and NEEDS. On the other hand, I grew up working hard for all the things I want and NEED in this LIFE. I've been holding up the family financially from my kids school, groceries, house payments etc so to cut it short he doesn't provide the necessary financial needs of the family.

He is very sensitive and gets offended very easily and doesn't listen to any of my constructive inputs about things. Wwe are very opposite.

I have forgiven him more than you will ever know I've been physically abused before and emotionally abused as well.

There are a lot of instances that I give in to what he wants just for the sake of giving in and not having any fight at all. He has alot of debts that I paid for and her mom paid for, he was gambling recently thinking that he will win a lot of money but he didn't ending up having no money at all. He is sucking up my salary dry just so I can provide for the family. I have no regrets with giving what's best for the family but do I really deserve this Life? he always think about what he wants what he needs, If I get angry he will dismiss and still insist he is the victim. He knows what's right and wrong but still he does the things which is wrong.

I talk to his mom about it since my husband asks money from him when in need but what do I do? I don't want my kids to grow up seeing us fighting all the time.

Please HELP!

Keep your finances separate, tell him you are not giving him a penny, your money goes towards kids and house only. He may have a gambling problem, he may need help from GA. tell him to sort himself out, otherwise you are going to divorce him and follow through.

 

[TJW]

Before you threaten a divorce, go to see an attorney and discuss exactly where you stand. People like this can be extremely hard to get rid of, especially if he is professionally diagnosed with a mental illness.

I can empathize with you, I had a wife like this when it came to the irresponsibility with money, no provision, insistence that she was the victim. She became addicted to prescription pain medicine. She suffered from fibromyalgia and I understood that she had physical challenges from it which made her life difficult to negotiate. However, this was not adequate reason she didn't work either in the home or out, nor was it any reason she had to keep QVC in business. Her medical bills were extremely expensive, to boot, which I never denied to pay for. I gave up a reasonably successful business and went back to corporate America so that I could get group medical insurance. At that time, many companies offered family coverage at reduced premium cost, and it was salvific, as I was sinking into a deep financial hole trying to keep up buying insurance that wasn't very good.

I went to see a lawyer and found out just what I'm telling you, that she would have been awarded 40% of my income and I would have been required to keep her medically covered as well. This would have made my life financially unbearable. Consequently, I never pursued the divorce. I split all the finances and had savings automatically withdrawn from my salary checks, I took money out immediately to cover our needs, housing, utilities, auto, etc. and never allowed her any access to that. I kept a joint account which she had access to and with little enough money in it so that she couldn't hurt us anymore with overspending.

You have far, far more power married than you will divorced, I'm afraid, unless the laws governing married people's support of each other are quite different where you live than where we did. The lawyer helped me immensely with this. If she had initiated the divorce, it would have been incumbent upon her to seek spousal support from the court system, in which case, I could have contested her right to the support. She also contacted a lawyer, so I know that she knew that she had a fair chance of losing with her being the complainant. I always documented all the finances and how everything was paid so that she could have absolutely no claim that I didn't support her. The court would have likely seen that she was only after a ticket to ride.

I've been physically abused before

Hopefully, this is documented. This is a major in many areas which can be used to reduce your financial obligations in the divorce. Make sure you tell your lawyer.

 

[Troubledwife86]

Hi Aine and TJW,

I live in the Philippines that divorce is now even allowed by the law. All I?m merely asking for is someone who can actually understanding how frustrating it is to live with someone whoe doesn?t know that what he is doing is wroing.

he plays the victim and threatens me most of the time through sms which sometimes I even fear for my life when I don?t follow him.

he doesn?t work that much because he keeps complaining with the work that he has. I?m so confused and scared with what?s happening to my marriage and I?m afraid for my kids.

I always help him and he doesn?t even consider that as a helping hand. When its me who needs help then he doesn?t help at all financially and emotionally.

Im working my ass off already and takes care of wverything.

 

[aine]

Sorry Troubled Wife that you are going through this tough time. I know many Filipinas and it seems that many of the men depend on their wives financially and do not put in the effort to maintain a family, (correct me if I am wrong). I know it is illegal to get a divorce but wouldn't you be better of separating from him and asking him to move out. The laws there will not make you responsible for him. He sounds like a waster good for nothing. You would be better off on your own, working and taking care of your children, perhaps you could ask him to move back with his mother and slowly cut the ties.
Tell him if he is not going to pull his weight you have no need of him in your life. Stop having sex with him and please do not have any more kids with him. Make sure you take care of kids but do not cook, clean, give him money etc. Let him see that you mean business and stop be so accommodating.

 

[TJW]

^^^^^^^^^

I think this is very good advice. You will indeed be better off without him.

And, I completely understand. My former wife didn't see anything wrong with what she did, at all. She was entitled to have her husband support her completely while she did nothing.

 

[MJJEAN]

If I remember correctly, the Philippines is a Catholic country and divorce is illegal, but you can apply for Annulment. Going on what I know, you'd have grounds.

 

[Uptown]

I had a wife like this when it came to the irresponsibility... insistence that she was the victim..... She suffered from fibromyalgia...

TJW, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at the 18 BPD Warning Signs mentioned above. A number of studies have found a strong association between BPD and chronic pain syndromes. A 2012 study, for example, reports that "Since 1994, eight studies have explored the relationship between chronic pain syndromes and borderline personality disorder. In averaging the prevalence rates in these studies, 30 percent of participants with chronic pain harbor this Axis II disorder." See Innov in Clin Neuro, 2012.

As to fibromyalgia specifically, a number of studies have found a strong relationship between it and BPD. See, e.g., Fibro and BPD - GH Psychiatry and Fibro Prevalence in BPD and Fibro and BPD -- AAPEL View. Anecdotally, I can report that my BPDer exW suffers from chronic fibromyalgia. If you would like to discuss this, I would be glad to join you in your last thread.

 

[Troubledwife86]

I was using my mobile phone awhile ago, It is illegal to have divorce here in the Philippines and Annulment will cost you a fortune just to get your marriage annulled.

I am emotionally detached to him already. I easily get angry [when he is in a good mood]. all the hurt from previous hurtful things he did didn't heal and it's just there. He doesn't even want to hear me out. he doesn't want to listen how I feel what's important is his feelings and what he wants [like a spoiled brat] I'm not perfect to tell you guys honestly but I'm trying my very best to be a responsible mom and a supporting wife but me being angry is for the reason that I can no longer tolerate his mood swings, his anger towards everything and so on.

He know's he is wrong but still does it. He acknowledge the wrong doing but doesn't do anything to fix it. He doesn;t care about me because if he does then I don't he will want me to be hurt or to even cry. I can't help but be envious to other couples out there who doesn;t even want their wives to get tired, give them beauty rest, pamper them, the saying "happy wife happy life". HE WANTS TO BE SATISIFED, HE IS SELFISH and I end up hurting all the time.

 

[NickyT]

I will be blunt:

All the talk about BPD, while might be helpful in identification, does not change the fact that you are married to a man who does not provide, seems to be a momma's boy, and has you walking on eggshells.

Time for consequences. Let this brat see what it is like to lose what you have taken for granted. Pack up the kids. Move to your parent's or a friend's. Make a list of why you are doing it (a list - not a letter of explanation - a list of the things you expect him to do for you to move home).

There is NO fixing this. He just gets away with it or gets around it.

And for heaven's sake, do NOT speak about this with his mother any more. That will backfire on you.

 

[Troubledwife86]

Thanks for the advise. I'm gathering ally my strength, I really don't have the affection that I need to call him my DH. I just want my kids to be happy, I want to be happy and all he thinks about is HIS OWN HAPPINESS. Is that love? I just don't know anymore.