Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I created this account for this issue, I have no one to turn to because well, it's his deepest darkest secret.

Basically four years into courtship my husband told me that as a child he had "relations" with his sister. At first I didn't take him seriously because he has previously mentioned it and ended out saying "just kidding" several times. I realized that it was actually something that he has been trying to tell me since we started dating, and finally had the courage to do so without taking it back.

He told me that from the time that he was seven all the way until he was thirteen he would do intimate things with his sister. It started with her having curiosity over him wearing boxers, and he showed her his penis. As the years went by it got worst and worst, to a point where they would go in each other's beds in the middle of the night around two to three times a week. They would touch each other every chance they got and he preformed oral on her as often possible. She would give him a hand job until he would ejaculate. They basically did everything but penetrate, or so he says.

The following two days after he told me about this I asked a million questions. I have never heard about sibling incest outside of roleplay in porn and thought that it was a rare taboo. Instead I did research and it's actually quite common. By the third day he had enough, and said that he never, EVER wanted to talk about it again. He says that he feels disgusted for what he did and just wants it to die. I'm sure that he regretted telling me.

The thing is, I can't avoid thinking about it. His sister posts often on Facebook, we go over at least once a week, and when we started dating they lived together for three years until he moved out. She sometimes baby sits our daughter, and my daughter always talks about her son as her favorite cousin. She's just there in every family picture in our house, and I came to a point where I'm actually jealous of her. She went through puberty very early. She had C cup breasts by the time that she was eight, and had the largest breasts in school throughout middle school. She was always skinny and had a nice body. It's so wrong for me to go there, but I envy her.

That's why I've been growing such a hate for her, even when my daughter asks when she can see her cousin again. I complain out loud every time that she posts something and my husband laughed and said "it sounds like you're jealous". I was furious when he said it because deep down inside I am. He had me believe for four years that I was his first in everything, when it turns out that I wasn't. I'm jealous because he liked it, and was actually sad when she ended it, around two years before we met. He lied to me and gave me three different time periods over when it ended. I have a feeling that it continued when we started dating, he was fifteen.

I have nightmares about this. I dream that he was cheating on me, because they still lived together as teens. Or sometimes I dream that she calls him and he goes to her house. For like two weeks or so he was homeless, so he went to go live with her and her husband. I fear that something happened between them while her husband went to go work. I hate how he defends her all the time. I hate her so much. I'm so sick, I know, but I'm frustrated because I can't talk about this to anyone. We can't afford counseling, and well he said that he doesn't want to talk about it. I still have a million questions, but I don't want to hurt him. I'm just dying on the inside, I wish that it never happened and I get images of it when we're being intimate. I'm crying as I'm typing this. I want to talk about my feelings with him, but I feel like if reminding him will hurt him. It feels as if he cheated on me. :( Should I talk about it, or cry it out?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. That's a lot to take in. I think it should have been something he told you before you got married. Did your husband say if they knew it was wrong when they were doing it? Or what caused them to stop? I'm sure this was very difficult for him to tell you so he obviously feels loved and accepted by you. I think it's something he's really struggling with still and the shame is really doing a number on him. Otherwise he would have left it in the past. I would suggest counseling. I think it's normal to feel jealous towards the sister but just keep telling yourself that this has nothing to do with you or the way he feels about you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
It seems like he has been trying to tell you and was worried you would over react and I guess he was right. I think you are going to lose his trust if you keep on wanting to talk about it. I am not saying its not a big deal, it is. He seems to be very ashamed of what happened, which is probably why bringing the subject up is very traumatic for him. From the age of 7 I don't think he knew what he was getting into, it just felt good and sexual experiences can be additive. I don't know of his sister is older and of so, do you think she may have been molested and learned the behavior? Or as you said she developed early she may have had her hormones out of control.

Prior to knowng about their relationship did you ever feel jealous of her?

You said you can't afford counseling and he does not want to talk about it, have you looked for any self help books?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
At first he told me that it ended when he started middle school. Then he said that it ended when she got her first boyfriend, two years later. He said that he thought that it was normal sibling behavior. When she told him that they had to stop (he was thirteen) he was sad and felt rejected. She's two years younger than him.

He did tell me before we married, and tried telling me around two months into our relationship. He tried around once a year to tell me and always took it back, then on the fourth year (before marrying) he told me about it without taking it back.

I met his sister first in middle school. We were really good friends and would talk nonstop. We slowly stopped being "best friends" once I went to high school. Then I absolutely started hating her after finding out what she did with him. She doesn't deserve it. She was raped by an uncle and her aunt was the one who "taught" her how to masturbate and please guys. As for my husband, he began masturbating to porn at eight years old after finding his brother's magazines. They both went through puberty young and both were exposed to sexual content. Their mother is Catholic and wouldn't tolerate any sex talk. They didn't know any better.

We're going to get counseling once we can afford it but that's over other issues (recovering from affair). I just want to be able to talk about it with him but don't know how to bring it up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
That's what I was thinking she was a victim, they are both victims and you need to see it that way. Instead of being jealous you need to have emaphy for both of them. Treat the issue as you would for children who are molested. They have new laws that prevent the victims of sexual abuse front having to retell their stories over and over because in doing so they are reliving it. Your husband and sister need to get help, there are organizations who can help free of charge. As for you, you may need counseling but most importantly you need to learn how to be supportive and help him heal. When you begin to want to question or think about the issue you need to place the blame on the uncle and aunt. Also please do something if aunt and uncle are stil alive and are around children.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Your husband at this point may be fighting off his guilt for what he and his sister did in the past. He must be so emotionally bothered so he has to tell you his dark secret. Yes, I think you and your husband as well as his sister and her husband must undergo counseling. What I am worried of is that this might have an effect on your children because at the back of your head, you will always have your suspicion about your husband's possible relationship with his sister and at the same time you will have your fear about the possibility that incest may happen to your children. Try to get help from government agencies who may refer you to a therapist. The sooner you can get help, the better it is for your peace of mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thank you everyone, I will do some research in finding free counseling. I'm going to go first to see how I can help him, and then hopefully help her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,402 Posts
I wouldn't be surprised if his sister had been molested by an adult first. Kids don't start sexually acting out and know how to give HJ's and ask for oral without someone molesting them first.
I'm sorry for all of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
They are both very damaged people, and need professional help. You need help as well. My suggestion, is for you to seek IC for yourself first, then perhaps some MC. Your husband needs some IC as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,523 Posts
Sounds like they both might have been victims of some kind of sexual abuse. It will really mess a child up, not just when they are young, but they carry it over into adulthood especially if its never dealt with. Everyone should be in therapy IMO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
Sounds like they both might have been victims of some kind of sexual abuse. It will really mess a child up, not just when they are young, but they carry it over into adulthood especially if its never dealt with. Everyone should be in therapy IMO.
I remember one of my sister's friends who was maybe 10 or 11 at the time was extremely sexual. I was probably 16 or 17 and couldn't decide if it was a crush she had on me or what it was ... strange vibes that didn't make sense for a girl that young. She would make sexual comments about things she should have no idea about at that age. She was very "hands on"; touching me inappropriately. I always laughed it off, thinking ahh, she's just a little girl. My mother sensed the same weird vibe and one day she came to the door and my sister wasn't home. She asked my mom if she could play with me ... to that point, she was only around me when she was with my sister. My mom told her that she needed to go home and that she wasn't welcome at the house anymore. My mom then told me to stay away from her; that she was trouble. I thought she was overreacting; girl just had a crush ... it was cute. Turns out she was being sexually abused by both her uncle and her grandfather.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Yes the harmful adults are away. The aunt (married to an uncle of theirs) is in a different state. The uncle (direct blood, who raped my sister in law) is in jail.

I still want to bring it up to him to see if we even need counseling. I just wish that this was easier to bring up, but I'm frightened because he said that he "never, ever want to talk about it again" in the angriest tone he has. I've been trying for the past week to bring it up, but I chicken out last minute. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,195 Posts
I'm really not sure what to tell you, you are in a real mess. If he is that angry and has told you he doesn't want to bring it up or talk about it again, then for right now, I don't think its best to bring it up. I understand you want answers etc, but its just going to add fuel to the fire.

If this is a marriage you want to stay in, then my suggestion is to seek counseling for yourself if you haven't already. A professional might be better equipped to help tell you what you need to do in this kind of situation. As far as your husband and his sister go, they will need to seek therapy when they are ready. They may never be ready and may never seek help. If it continues to put a strain on your marriage,then at some point this will probably be something you will need to figure out if you can or can not continue to live with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,804 Posts
And children who engage in this very rarely have their morals on straight. Your H needs help. She does, too, but that's her problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
Not sure what advice I can give but please don't leave your children alone with her or at her place period.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top