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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Looks like my wife and I are headed there. We have talked about staying in the same house though and continue being active in our childrens lives. We have 4. Do you think we should hide the fact that we are divorced while living/sharing the same home or informing the children and let them adjust accordingly? Remember, they would still be dealing with Mommy and daddyfor kids and family related stuff.
 

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It seems that although you would still be living in the same house you would no longer be living as husband and wife. Depending on how long this situation lasts it would seem unfair to your children to raise them with the thought that you and your ex were living as loving, married partners live. We all tend to grow up and reflect many traits that we were exposed to as normal everyday behavior as children. It only seems right to want your children to understand the difference between what the dynamic of the relationship between the two of you is vs. a marriage.

Just some food for thought.
 

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I agree with NelsonTrouble. Eventually, one of the two of you is going to want to start dating. If the kids still think you are married, well, you can imagine how that's going to mess with their heads.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My sentiments exactly. Hers are the opposite. And then I was accused of being that type and wanting to dramatize the divorce and create an emotional reaction from them.
 

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Absolutely not, if your intentions are divorce, then do just that, people who REALLY want a divorce do not live together, they usually want as far away from the other as possible and if one of the 2 of you are hurting over this, it just drags out the grieving process. I would suggest moving out and being honest with your children, they deserve that much from their parents. Also, if you and your spouse continued to live together, eventually your children would hear arguments and phone conversations that will make them uncomfortable and confused.
 

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I don't get how being divorced and living in the same house will help any.

Can you elaborate on this?
 

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My ex ran upstairs in the heat of a discussion re: getting a divorce and told my kid that it was happening. Guess that settled that.
 

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that was relatively immature, wasn't it? I think it's good that it's been said, but it should have been the both of you revealing the news, one sided story telling always seems to result in the child picking a parents' side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don't get how being divorced and living in the same house will help any.

Can you elaborate on this?
Hey EleGirl. Because we have 4 children and she homeschools them all and we actually have a solid family structure. And friendship apart from the marriage mess so to speak. I also can't afford it right now living seperatly and providing for my kids and all that mess. It's a viable option. But she says to not tell the kids of divorce, even though I don't even sleep in the bedroom anymore. We won't be lovey dovey like we used to be, etc. I say we tell the kids, and still do some family oriented things for a while for sake of kids and while sharing this space. I say withholding it from them can possibly make them feel deceived and cause other problems. Thoughts?
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I totally agree with this. Kids are learning how to interact with the rest of the world while by the way they interact at home. If they don't develop a solid base of trust, they will carry that into future relationships. I'd also wonder how this will make them view marriage/divorce. If you can live together as married or divorced, why make that commitment? Things like that. They're watching and learning from what they see their parents do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I totally agree with this. Kids are learning how to interact with the rest of the world while by the way they interact at home. If they don't develop a solid base of trust, they will carry that into future relationships. I'd also wonder how this will make them view marriage/divorce. If you can live together as married or divorced, why make that commitment? Things like that. They're watching and learning from what they see their parents do.
Sorry but I'm wondering which part of the argument you agree with?
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I would just stay married until you are actually ready to make the break and get divorced. Lots of people stay together for the sake of their children but it's rather unusual to get divorced and live together pretending like nothing has happended. What's the point? :scratchhead: :confused:
 
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I think it's insane to stay together in the same house after divorce unless of course, neither want it. However, I also think that it's insane to stay together for the children, everyone only lives once and granted you want to have a "happy childhood" memory implanted into your kids head, but if the "happy" is lie, then it's going to be very disturbing for them when they find out all they have grown to know...has been a lie.
 

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that was relatively immature, wasn't it? I think it's good that it's been said, but it should have been the both of you revealing the news, one sided story telling always seems to result in the child picking a parents' side.
That was mean and hurtful to the child. Both of you should have told the children. When a parent blindside a child with negative information it is very childish. Plus most kids don't want to hear nothing about moma and daddy divorcing. What that poor child must be thinking now.
 

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I think it's insane to stay together in the same house after divorce unless of course, neither want it. However, I also think that it's insane to stay together for the children, everyone only lives once and granted you want to have a "happy childhood" memory implanted into your kids head, but if the "happy" is lie, then it's going to be very disturbing for them when they find out all they have grown to know...has been a lie.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: My kids are a LOT happier since my STBXH and me separated. The atmosphere in our house was horrible in our home when we all lived together. Staying together for the kids and being miserable is NOT a solution. Better to be apart, divorced and sane.

When I was growing up my parents fought all the time. I used to wake up every Sunday listening to them scream and curse at each other. When my father did leave one summer (he eventually moved back in) I was glad because finally we had some peace and quiet.

It's a horrible way for kids to grow up. :(

By the time my H and I split up the kids were relieved. By the time we I decided to divorce my husband neither of them were suprised. My 18 year old daughter said "it's about time, you should've done it 2 years ago." I agreed with her. She came with me to file the papers and then I took her out to lunch.

My 15 year old son is more neutral. He's glad that my H and I get along well enough. I don't pull any crap though like trying to keep my son from his father, if anything I encourage them to get together now that my H is sober and in AA. I think it's important that parents get along for the sake of the children but they shouldn't stay together because of them.
 

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Hey EleGirl. Because we have 4 children and she homeschools them all and we actually have a solid family structure. And friendship apart from the marriage mess so to speak. I also can't afford it right now living seperatly and providing for my kids and all that mess. It's a viable option. But she says to not tell the kids of divorce, even though I don't even sleep in the bedroom anymore. We won't be lovey dovey like we used to be, etc. I say we tell the kids, and still do some family oriented things for a while for sake of kids and while sharing this space. I say withholding it from them can possibly make them feel deceived and cause other problems. Thoughts?
Polyman, you seem to have missed my point. I get the mechanics of what is being suggested. I don't get what is in this for you. How do you benefit from it.

To me she is the only one here who benefits and she does not get to experience the hard times that divorce will bring to her if she had to get a job and take more care of herself. Instead she will get most of the freedom of being divorced with benefits like you supporting her, a house, she can be a SAHM adn home school, etc.

Things only get worse for you.

My suggestion is that you tell her that the only way you will accept divorce is if you two live in different houses. Tell her that the children will not be enrolled in public school so that she can go get a full time job to support herself.

Then once she has an income you two can divorce. This way your financial burden will be significantly reduced.
 

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My sentiments exactly. Hers are the opposite. And then I was accused of being that type and wanting to dramatize the divorce and create an emotional reaction from them.
Manipulation and control on her part. She isn't playing fair.
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To me she is the only one here who benefits and she does not get to experience the hard times that divorce will bring to her if she had to get a job and take more care of herself. Instead she will get most of the freedom of being divorced with benefits like you supporting her, a house, she can be a SAHM adn home school, etc.

Things only get worse for you.

My suggestion is that you tell her that the only way you will accept divorce is if you two live in different houses. Tell her that the children will not be enrolled in public school so that she can go get a full time job to support herself.

Then once she has an income you two can divorce. This way your financial burden will be significantly reduced.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

In the meantime, if you can move out and get even a room where you can stay give it some thought. I understand how money can be tight though..

4 kids..:eek: I'd move into a room alright..it would be padded, complete with strait jacket. :D
 
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