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There is nothing in the OP which states snooping and spying cheating only. It is what people went to in their own posts. It is in the general area of the forum, not CWI, I answered your question with general reasons.
Fair enough, I suppose someone could snoop because there seems to be something going on with their spouse, and the spouse isn't sharing. I don't believe in snooping, never have done that. Many people snoop in dating situations or relationships outside of marriage, I don't think it's something that strikes in marriage, personally. Why not just ask your spouse what's up?
 

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There is nothing in the OP which states snooping and spying cheating only. It is what people went to in their own posts. It is in the general area of the forum, not CWI, I answered your question with general reasons.
There are other forms of cheating than adultery.

A drug or gambling addiction that dries up the household finances is cheating.

I think any use of substantial amounts of money without prior discussion is cheating.
 

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I don't think its a simple question. Being married provides certain rights (financial, medical authority if incapacitated etc), but not others (eg spousal rape is (and should be) illegal. Its not at all obvious where spying / snooping fits in this.

I'm a fan of getting rid of "marriage" and replacing it with a set of different "contracts" that cover the very different things that are all lumped together as marriage. In that case a couple could decide whether or not spying was allowed in their contract.

For existing marriage, I would prefer that marriage not eliminate privacy rights and the allowed levels of spying be the same as for any two people. I can see the other side though.
 

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There are other forms of cheating than adultery.

A drug or gambling addiction that dries up the household finances is cheating.

I think any use of substantial amounts of money without prior discussion is cheating.
This has nothing to do with my response to the OP or Dedire, but I know and okay. I'm not defining, arguing, questioning or parsing what is or is not cheating. I was discussing spying and snooping in relation to why it should or shouldn't be illegal, while responding to Dedire's and straightshooters' comments.
 

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You are assuming they didn't. You ask, they say one thing, their actions show another and then you decide to check/spy/snoop/invade privacy or whatever term floats your boat.

yeah, my (future) husband always derailed a discussion about his special friend by insisting that "she's JUST a friend."

Of course, when they meet up one on one it's NOT a date. Because, they're JUST friends.

I needed detail to be able to show him that he was treating her on the level of a girlfriend. If he wanted to continue a relationship with her, then I would follow her example and go find a real boyfriend.

He dumped her immediately.

Dierdre, everybody does funny things in life. Of course, there was the possibility that my (future) husband could have done that song and dance about being friends with whom ever he damn well pleased.

But he didn't do that. Which says to me that what I did was the right thing to do
 

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yeah, my (future) husband always derailed a discussion about his special friend by insisting that "she's JUST a friend."

Of course, when they meet up one on one it's NOT a date. Because, they're JUST friends.

I needed detail to be able to show him that he was treating her on the level of a girlfriend. If he wanted to continue a relationship with her, then I would follow her example and go find a real boyfriend.

He dumped her immediately.

Dierdre, everybody does funny things in life. Of course, there was the possibility that my (future) husband could have done that song and dance about being friends with whom ever he damn well pleased.

But he didn't do that. Which says to me that what I did was the right thing to do
This is a good and helpful explanation, thank you! :)
 

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No, but it sure should be a consideration in divorce. It should affect the division of assets.

I'm opposed to alimony in nearly all cases. But alimony to a cheating ex spouse is an atrocity.
Agreed.

While cheating (in a marriage) shouldn't be a crime, there should be civil penalties for it, especially when it leads to divorce.
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This is a good and helpful explanation, thank you! :)
I'm glad that you were able to read through @NextTimeAround's description of her thought process w/ such an open mind, because it's exactly the mindset w/ which many BS's identify -- even if they aren't able to so precisely communicate it at the time -- when they decide to start doing a bit of digging.
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Agreed.

While cheating (in a marriage) shouldn't be a crime, there should be civil penalties for it, especially when it leads to divorce.
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I agree. After all, marriage is a binding legal contract. Why should breaking that contract by cheating go unpunished? We see lawsuits for breech of contract all the time. Why should this be any different? The cheater didn't abide by the contract. S/he cheated. there should be a civil remedy just like every other legally binding contract.



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I agree. After all, marriage is a binding legal contract. Why should breaking that contract by cheating go unpunished? We see lawsuits for breech of contract all the time. Why should this be any different? The cheater didn't abide by the contract. S/he cheated. there should be a civil remedy just like every other legally binding contract.



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Eggs Zachary!
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No. And for much the same reason as using spying on a spouse should be permissible if they were suspected of abusing an elderly relative or stealing money from the family.
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I agree. After all, marriage is a binding legal contract. Why should breaking that contract by cheating go unpunished? We see lawsuits for breech of contract all the time. Why should this be any different? The cheater didn't abide by the contract. S/he cheated. there should be a civil remedy just like every other legally binding contract.



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What else is in the contract? Should we be able to sue when one falls out of love with the other? Does not do their share of the housework? Looses a job and does not "provide"? Was cold and distant? The idea of gobbing up civil courts to figure our who was wronger during the dissolution of marriage is not something I want my tax dollars paying for.
 

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If you hack your spouse's password protected device without their permission, it is illegal in most places, and may be a felony. If convicted you could spend years in prison. Evidence found wouldn't be admissible in court for divorce purposes, either, and if your spouse finds out, you could be subject to civil as well as criminal proceedings.
There are people in prison for doing this.

Putting keylogger on your spouse's computer without their knowledge is a crime.

Recording their conversations, ones that you are not a party to, is illegal. In some states you would also need their agreement to record a conversation that included you.

The one exception to this is that if you record someone committing a crime, the law generally overlooks how you got the recording. For example, if an abused woman puts up a secret camera to record it the next him he beats her… even in a 2 party state, the recording is admissible in court because he committed a crime by beating her.

Videotaping has other restrictions, such as it’s illegal to record someone without their agreement in places where there is an expectation of privacy. For example, you could have your spouse prosecuted for videotaping you in the bathroom. But a camera in the living room is usually ok. There are is an expectation of privacy in the bedroom as well.

I also believe in the idea that in marriage, privacy means you can close the door when you go to the bathroom.

But snooping on a spouse is a fine line to walk. I think that people have the right to know what is going on in their lives. As someone brought up, it can lead to you losing/wasting years of your life on a cheating spouse. But there is the other part of this… people who snoop on their spouse to the extent that it’s abusive. There are people who monitor every move that their spouse makes and uses that as a means of control.

IMHO, only snoop if there is evidence of an affair or other wrong doing. Then if you get the evidence you need, stop the snooping and either get out of the marriage or work on reconciliation.

There can be ‘snooping’ during reconciliation, but it has to be with the consent on the person you are snooping on. If they don’t agree, then get out of the marriage. They are hiding something.
 

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What else is in the contract? Should we be able to sue when one falls out of love with the other? Does not do their share of the housework? Looses a job and does not "provide"? Was cold and distant? The idea of gobbing up civil courts to figure our who was wronger during the dissolution of marriage is not something I want my tax dollars paying for.
All very good points. I don't have the answer to that. However, if a woman can be awarded millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee on herself without a proper warning from the restaurant, I would not be too worried about spending my tax dollars on something as serious as decimating a marriage without the other spouse's knowledge.



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You really need to 'snoop' to know what's going on? lol Hmmm, if your spouse is out all night, locking their phone and disappearing, odds are, they're cheating. You'd want to read the horrible details? Then snoop, I guess. I'd not be having anymore kids with such a person, and would be hiring a lawyer. I live on earth.
Sometimes it is not that easy to figure out that they are cheating.

A doctor who works long hours and a schedule that is not 9-5 can get away with hiding a lot of cheating… I know this from experience.

How about someone who travels often for work. It’s a great way to hide cheating. Shoot they can take days off of work and just tell you that they are traveling for business.

Someone who cheats at work and mostly cheats at lunch time.

Sometimes, you just find the tip of the iceberg accidently, and then you need to do some snooping to find out the truth because a cheater is usually not going to come clean.
 

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So, what does this have to do with cheating? The thread is about snooping and spying because you suspect cheating.

If spouses are cheating, THEY blew it up.

And what I've seen on here is even with proof, people are afraid to leave. I understand it as much as I can. It's hard to divorce, it's not an easy thing, but staying in a lie of a marriage would be harder. Maybe it's not harder for some, I don't know.

agree
I think that you are missing the point that he is trying to make. Very often, it is not clear whether or not one’s spouse is cheating. You get some hits that something is going on. But it might not be cheating. It might be something very different.

He is saying that he’s not going to just go file for divorce on a hunch. Instead he’s going to find out what’s going on first. He needs real strong evidence that there is cheating.
 

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What else is in the contract? Should we be able to sue when one falls out of love with the other? Does not do their share of the housework? Looses a job and does not "provide"? Was cold and distant? The idea of gobbing up civil courts to figure our who was wronger during the dissolution of marriage is not something I want my tax dollars paying for.
Actually has been civil cases of alienation of love and these things can be brought up in family court. Make no mistake it's a circus.

Probably the clearest and most practical thing to do is remove government 100% from marriage and make it completely a tradional based or religious based ceremony only.
 

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Sometimes it is not that easy to figure out that they are cheating.

A doctor who works long hours and a schedule that is not 9-5 can get away with hiding a lot of cheating… I know this from experience.

How about someone who travels often for work. It’s a great way to hide cheating. Shoot they can take days off of work and just tell you that they are traveling for business.

Someone who cheats at work and mostly cheats at lunch time.

Sometimes, you just find the tip of the iceberg accidently, and then you need to do some snooping to find out the truth because a cheater is usually not going to come clean.
This makes a lot of sense, and I had never thought of this!
 
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