We have been married 8 years, overall a good marriage (second for both of us). This question post is quite tame and almost silly, but I'm becoming curious of when and if I should be concerned. My wife is gorgeous, bold and outgoing and by her own admission a bit of an odd duck. She recently started a long-term yoga certification training in the city close to where we live. This is a class where she spends two full days (weekends) approximately twice a month. In addition, the class is asked to attend yoga classes taught by the same instructor and others as part of the certification. There is one single man in the group, and I noticed his name coming up more and more in her discussions with me. When I was traveling out of state, she mentioned she was going to dinner to a friend's house in the class and she quickly added that this was a female friend. I'm not a jealous type, so it was kind of an odd clarification for her to make. Later, she added that the male friend was coming to the dinner also. In addition to the required all day classes, she started attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week. We do not lock our phones from each other and my curiosity got the best of me so I checked her texts. There were a few between them; him hoping they could have many more coffees together after class which she gave a 'heart' reply. It has become apparent that they attend the same classes many days during the week and from the credit card bills I can see that she goes to the coffee house almost every time after class (which is unusual for her to go out for coffee drinks that often). The texts were not flirty, but he would ask if she was attending different activities that he was going to. One was a holiday party that they both went to, another was a special session that she changed movie plans we had with the family so that she could attend after he asked her if she was going. She was showing me FB pictures of the class, and I noticed a few pics and videos that showed the two of them were working closely together, but since it is a small class that would not be unexpected. She also knows a lot about him, his background and life. She told me she was worried he was losing too much weight and getting too skinny because of his diet, etc. She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day. I supported her and she quickly signed up. I do not know if he is attending. We are hosting a small holiday party at our place for her class and he will be coming. This will be a chance to observe them together and see how he reacts to me. What should I watch for? Should I be concerned based on what I have shared?
Should I worry about wife's male friendship?
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She`s attending yoga classes 4-5 times a week.
She recently asked if I would be ok if she spent a full weekend retreat (two nights) that the instructor was holding for about 7 members of the class at a resort over New Years eve/day.
Sorry my friend but perhaps you are not realising that your wife is leading a separate lifestyle that does not involve you, her husband.
4 to 5 times per week doing whatever she`s doing with some guy in tow is out of order for a married woman, the same would apply vice-versa.
A spouse should be with their partners on New Years Eve or hold a party with family or friends and the spouse present.
My wife and I meet up separately with friends socially once a week for a coffee in the afternoon, she knows all my friends and I know all her friends.
Grow a pair and nip this in the bud now because it`s going too far and crossing the boundaries. Explain to your wife you`re not comfortable about that guy and do not invite him to your home, also do not let your wife go on that weekend retreat where I guarantee it will involve booze, that guy and partying. This is not befitting for a married woman.
People get treated how they allow themselves to be treated.
Think about this very carefully.
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Keep an eye out for the interaction between your wife and her male friend. See if you can tell something is going on, chemistry, flirting, etc. Also, it will allow finding out if he is going to the New Year event with her.
I would be concerned that your wife has spent so much time with him and is learning so much about him. She thinks a lot about him based on her conversations with you. Also, you are right about the red flags: heart reply from your wife in her text; him constantly trying to go to the same events as your wife; your wife changing plans with you and her family to go to the special session once he asked her, and the increase in going to the coffee shop. Not to mention her boost in working on her fitness.
Have you noticed that her demeanor has been very happy? All of these signs, on their own, might not suggest anything is happening. But adding them all together means the possibility of an affair is on the table.
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I wouldn't go for that, if I were you. This is exactly the stepping stones of how things happen.
If the tables were turned, your wife would NOT like YOU doing thes ethings.
You need to not stay silent but have a conversation. You should be able to communicate with a spouse. Otherwise, what is the point.
If the tables were turned, your wife would NOT like YOU doing thes ethings.
You need to not stay silent but have a conversation. You should be able to communicate with a spouse. Otherwise, what is the point.
OP, there is a reason why everyone here is and will tell you that her relationship with this man is a problem. You need to tell her that she either cuts this man out all together, or she quits this Yoga certification she is going after. One or the other, no debate about it. And no more overnights at all, including the New Year's overnight stay... She is playing with fire here.
If it were me, before I did the above, I would hire a PI to check out the group when she is in the city. Follow her before and after class, see what she does. Once you tell her to stop what she's doing the cat will be out of the bag, so it might be worth it to have a PI check out what she's doing first. Good luck.
If it were me, before I did the above, I would hire a PI to check out the group when she is in the city. Follow her before and after class, see what she does. Once you tell her to stop what she's doing the cat will be out of the bag, so it might be worth it to have a PI check out what she's doing first. Good luck.
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Any husband who loves his wife and his marriage should be worried about other men period! Being on this site says you already have the gut feeling. If you don't do something now, you can kiss what's left of your relationship good by! Sorry to seem so drastic, but this is a common story throughout here and other sites for either spouse. If my wife had started talking more about another man, started having coffee with him, going to others events and he would be there, all without me, it would be on fast! Either kick this interloper out of the picture or start the paper work, because this has already gone to far.you are being passive and weak, she's losing respect for you and the marriage and I can almost guarantee a surprise visit isn't going to go down well.
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well if everything your saying is true (heart emoji's) in text an all. your wife is definitely in an emotional affair with the single man. coffee every time after yoga with a SINGLE MAN are getting to know you DATES . dinner with a single man (im sure there was woman there to) no i don't think there was . cancelling plans with her family to be with single man. and now going to a resort where they can consummate the emotional affair and start having a physical affair with no interruption's if they haven't already started a physical affair. my best advice to you is if you want to keep your family together, tell her yoga is DONE, no more contact with single man ever again. if she refuses giving you the you don't trust her speech threaten, she needs to take a polygraph to prove herself if the marriage means anything to her or you will be seeing a lawyer.
if you let this continue she may be the one asking you for a divorce because she is totally in love with him . then your screwed. totally. if you dont act fast your marriage will be over. unless you don't care if she cheats on you. put the hammer down fast
if you let this continue she may be the one asking you for a divorce because she is totally in love with him . then your screwed. totally. if you dont act fast your marriage will be over. unless you don't care if she cheats on you. put the hammer down fast
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Bud if you wait another day not to take action it's over, you'll be a story posting on Reddit! Don't be a.weak man! Do something now. Right or wrong, any action is better than no.action. why.do people that KNOW in their hearts something is wrong wait? Is it some perverse since of wanting excitement? Go to where she is and surprise her for a day together and stay over night. Her actions will tell you what's up..say no now to that new year eve thing. You are just handing her over to this guy..sick.
Do they go and have coffee just the two of them? After every class? If so totally inappropriate. They are basically dating 4-5 times a week.
If they have any sort of party make sure you go as well.
As for the weekend away how about you say that as you will be home alone you may go along just for the trip, not the yoga, and see what she says. If she has plans with him she will NOT want you to go. She will do her very best to talk you out of it.
This is why many people have clear boundaries with the opposite sex, so this sort of things doesn't get off the ground.
If they have any sort of party make sure you go as well.
As for the weekend away how about you say that as you will be home alone you may go along just for the trip, not the yoga, and see what she says. If she has plans with him she will NOT want you to go. She will do her very best to talk you out of it.
This is why many people have clear boundaries with the opposite sex, so this sort of things doesn't get off the ground.
Yes you should be very worried. Emotional affairs are deadly because the participants slip into them before they even realize what is actually going on. Once the emotional bond is formed it is very hard to break and it often leads to a physical affair. Your wife seems to have an emotional connection to him and is often in a position to be physically alone with him. To me, the other man is clearly pursuing your wife. If she is not fully into an affair at this point, she is at a minimum on a very slipper slope. This type of affair can develop very fast. I would be very concerned about the New Years thing. I would read up on emotional affairs and then have a conversation with your wife. She needs to understand that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and with good reason. Then gage her reaction. If she is dismissive, calls you controlling or jealous, or does not take your concerns seriously, you have a serious problem on your hands. Stay vigilant, eyes and ears open. Can you do a surprise visit to the New Years event - say about 9pm. Tell her it is because you wanted to spend New Years together since you have been spending so much time apart.
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He is hard, after her.
She knows it, and is quietly and softly complying.
My responses to these interactions have been mixed, I admit.
At first, I would say, to put a hard stop to them.
Stop the burgeoning affair, before it goes......physical.
I believe it is already emotional.
Now?
I say, "Let it run its course, let's see how far she will go with this boundary crossing".
Is she a trustful wife, or not.
Presently, I have my doubts.
Eyes and ears open, mouth shut.
Snoop, be the detective.
Let her prove herself loyal, or not.
Intervening and stopping her cheating actions (if any), only delays the inevitable.
I do hope she stays loyal, for your sake.
................................................................................................
One more thing......
Prior to her New Years meeting.
Put your hands on her shoulders.
Express, just ONE TIME, calmly, telling her not to put your marriage at risk.
Tell her that you love her and trust her.
................................................................................................
Why, say this?
This lets her know that you love her and trust her, and that you are NOT careless, (indifferent) with respect to her impending actions.
That, you are not Green Lighting any affair.
This puts the onus on her.
She needs to know and hear this.
Let your beautiful bird fly, let's see where she, goeth.
Where she goes, and where she sets her pretty tail feathers?
She knows it, and is quietly and softly complying.
My responses to these interactions have been mixed, I admit.
At first, I would say, to put a hard stop to them.
Stop the burgeoning affair, before it goes......physical.
I believe it is already emotional.
Now?
I say, "Let it run its course, let's see how far she will go with this boundary crossing".
Is she a trustful wife, or not.
Presently, I have my doubts.
Eyes and ears open, mouth shut.
Snoop, be the detective.
Let her prove herself loyal, or not.
Intervening and stopping her cheating actions (if any), only delays the inevitable.
I do hope she stays loyal, for your sake.
................................................................................................
One more thing......
Prior to her New Years meeting.
Put your hands on her shoulders.
Express, just ONE TIME, calmly, telling her not to put your marriage at risk.
Tell her that you love her and trust her.
................................................................................................
Why, say this?
This lets her know that you love her and trust her, and that you are NOT careless, (indifferent) with respect to her impending actions.
That, you are not Green Lighting any affair.
This puts the onus on her.
She needs to know and hear this.
Let your beautiful bird fly, let's see where she, goeth.
Where she goes, and where she sets her pretty tail feathers?
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Brother, DO SOMETHING NOW! All the things being of trust in the relationship have gone out the window. There is obviously something wrong in your marriage in her eyes, some resentment she doesn't talk about or whatever, now she's doing something for her, self improvement, she has met a man who is doing the class to find easy picking, your wife IS an easy picking. Screw all the are in a wonderful place speeches and all about the trust. Something is wrong and it's already gone to far. Now is the time to do something. Don't be an entertainment story for sites like this with all the pain and anguish and lamenting . Go save your marriage now.
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21,277 Posts
A Tale of Two Cities.
Having, but two roads, in or out.
One road with a stop sign 🛑, the other, having no impediment, but ends at a cliff, with no guardrail..
The stop sign is only as meaningful as the driver.
Let her drive herself off the cliff, out of your life.
Or not.
I believe she will blow through the stop sign, and hope she will not get caught.
Caught in that rear-ender, that fender bender, marriage damaging traffic.
Yes, all the other signs of cheating are there, all there, plainly, in view.
She is no longer a potential cheater, she is one.
Let us see how far she is willing to fall...from grace.
She has not far to go, from the sounds of this tale of woe.
Having, but two roads, in or out.
One road with a stop sign 🛑, the other, having no impediment, but ends at a cliff, with no guardrail..
The stop sign is only as meaningful as the driver.
Let her drive herself off the cliff, out of your life.
Or not.
I believe she will blow through the stop sign, and hope she will not get caught.
Caught in that rear-ender, that fender bender, marriage damaging traffic.
Yes, all the other signs of cheating are there, all there, plainly, in view.
She is no longer a potential cheater, she is one.
Let us see how far she is willing to fall...from grace.
She has not far to go, from the sounds of this tale of woe.
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It's probably just innocent and group things. But it's good you are doing the holiday party because just in case he has any ideas (this too skinny guy for her to be attracted to?) he quickly sees you are a good couple and she is not in play. She likely feels maternal towards him. He sounds a little needy, and of course, he could develop a crush on her and others in the group, but if you have no reason to distrust her already, I don't see this as one. On that time she added later he would be attending, she may not have known until later. First line of defense is just you be a visible spouse. That doesn't mean overdoing it and being possessive in public with PDAs or anything like that which could turn people on you, but just be the model husband at this party.
You've seen the guy's photo. Is he even attractive? He doesn't sound like it.
And also, once the party has happened, if your fears amp up, you should be honest and tell her that after meeting him, you are becoming uncomfortable with her going on the long retreat.
I haven’t even read the post yet. I am answering the title alone.
NO, you should not worry about your wife’s male ‘friend.’
worry is a useless emotion that has no positive benefit and accomplishes nothing but making you look weak and ineffectual.
You should have firm, well defined boundaries and enforce them so you don’t have to waste time and energy on worrying.
NO, you should not worry about your wife’s male ‘friend.’
worry is a useless emotion that has no positive benefit and accomplishes nothing but making you look weak and ineffectual.
You should have firm, well defined boundaries and enforce them so you don’t have to waste time and energy on worrying.
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Think of the makings of an affair as the construction of a new house. At the very least,the foundation has already been laid. You need to keep your eyes and ears open. I would be putting a VAR in her car and that new year trip would not be happening if he is going. Or if she is to attend under those circumstance, I'd be accompanying her.
Do Bears live in the woods??!!?? You should absolutely be concerned. Join the damned Yoga class and see the reaction you get from her. She SHOULD be ecstatic at you showing interest in her hobbies. But bet she will be really p1st. Start accusing you of being controlling and other such BS.
Coffee with OSF alone is a date IMO.
This is the problem being married to gorgeous. Have to beat all of the other men they attract off with a stick.
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If you're body/mind is telling you something is wrong, listen to it. Always listen to that inner voice and act how you're body is telling you to act. You don't need to ask what others think, you don't need to think about what your wife would say, you do what you need to do to feel whole again, whatever that is. And whenever that inner voice tells you something is wrong, act on it immediately, not after your wife is already long gone. Don't let anyone, especially your wife, tell you that your inner voice is silly or wrong or stupid; it's not.
I agree with the general consensus.
You need to nip this CRAP in the bud, NOW!
Tell her that if you are no longer a priority and are merely an option, that perhaps you should bow out now so she can fulfill her destiny with Yoga Boy.
You have put up with this much longer than you should have.
You need to go on offense NOW, if it isn't already too late.
You need to nip this CRAP in the bud, NOW!
Tell her that if you are no longer a priority and are merely an option, that perhaps you should bow out now so she can fulfill her destiny with Yoga Boy.
You have put up with this much longer than you should have.
You need to go on offense NOW, if it isn't already too late.
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