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26 Posts
I am in a peculiar situation and am unsure of what to do from this point on.
We've had what many would consider a fairy tale life... A relationship where we dated for almost 8 years and then have been married for 15. Have one daughter, 13...
My problem is that my wife defies all practical logic, and decides to take a stand, that often times isn't logically or socially acceptable, and makes it impossible for me to support, in spite of me being in love with her for all this while.
SOME EXAMPLES BEING
She refuses to understand the household budget, yet wants to keep the only credit card in the family with an unlimited spending budget. After 14 years of convincing, she finally agrees to a monthly budget, yet goes out shopping indiscriminately on her credit card with no regard for savings / long term planning or our future.
She contiunues to hoarde (read: buy new of) anything / everything she can, yet dump perfectly usable pieces of furniture, equipment, clothes.. In a nutshell, totally careless about money - I thank my stars for putting me in a situation that I have been able to afford it, but for any sane person, it's enough to drive them mad the way she chooses to shop and then discard stuff....
She has been a stay at home mother largely, though has taken up 5 or 6 different hobbies (proffessions such as furnishings export, jewellery design, 3D Animation, Running a Restaurant (yep, we lost over $500,000 there too) and what have you!!)
Each of her hobbies costs money, but that's fine.. problem is she blames me for not supporting her enough (traveling 4 hours with her to find suppliers etc.. leaving my own work aside) and I am the reason for all her failures....
She wants to be fiercely independent, however, refuses to learn any trade by going in detail, believes she knows it all, and should be given reins of anything to manage from day 1.... Tried that, lost a lot of money, shut down the business...
We relocated countries a while back, she made my life miserable complaining everyday about how she hates it in the new country, and yet when we finally did move back (in less than a year), has been giving me hell to move back out some place else, as she hates it here.... (not to mention the first move ended up costing us $250,000) She has no regard for this, she wants what she wants, and believes money will flow in magically.. You can't have a money discussion with her because then she believes I'm clipping her wings and will show it in her face/attitude for many weeks...
I've not bought a single piece of clothing for over a year since we moved back to our own country, yet she has been stuffing her wardrobe ever since....
She keeps monthly memberships to Spa for she needs a spa treatment, has no concern for me to even ensure that I get food on time (I mean after all, I work 80 hour weeks, am I too mean to expect getting good/proper meals at their usual times?)
She refuses to take any responsibility around the household, or shows any signs that she is even remotely keen to perform any of her partner's duties (considering she's at home) ... If she has charge of household help (yes we have full time help) I can't even expect food that I may like... It has to be always as per her preferences and likes....
When we're entertaining, and if the guests happen to be from my circle of friends, she considers it perfectly normal to just go in to the bedroom and sleep while the guests are still at home...
That's just some of the problems and yet I am unable to decide if I should just separate for a while because I love her so much and the thought is just too painful..
Any pointers for me? Tried therapy a few years ago, she victimizes herself and cries to get her point across... no result there.... It's impossible to have a courteous conversation with her without her countering my point of view, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!! In over 10 years, there has not bee ONE single instance when she has subscribed to my point of view, she ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has the diagonally opposite point of view... So much so, that I've tried to level with her view, only to find it change diametrically again, and now she is of my original view - hope I'm explaining this right.?
She hates my family, never ever ever attempts to meet / greet anyone, hates my friends, will always have an air of superiority around her if she's in a gathering with a friend group of mine.. so it creates an awkward situation for me around my friends (they think my wife has a high attitude, she thinks low of all things me )
How do I fix this? Divorce/Separation is not an option I am considering for I owe this to our daughter (though she completely talks her mother's language) - according to her, no physical activity is a perfectly natural way of living, spa treatments / pedicure / manicure at 12 years of age should be acceptable ... they refuse to holiday unless it is in an exotic locale, fly only business class ... the list is endless... I am providing for all of this, yet feel like being given the doormat treatment ... Not sure how long can I even keep this up .......
Is there any normal way to fix this?
Thanks for reading thus far (if you are still reading it) and sorry for overwhelming you with this ...
We've had what many would consider a fairy tale life... A relationship where we dated for almost 8 years and then have been married for 15. Have one daughter, 13...
My problem is that my wife defies all practical logic, and decides to take a stand, that often times isn't logically or socially acceptable, and makes it impossible for me to support, in spite of me being in love with her for all this while.
SOME EXAMPLES BEING
She refuses to understand the household budget, yet wants to keep the only credit card in the family with an unlimited spending budget. After 14 years of convincing, she finally agrees to a monthly budget, yet goes out shopping indiscriminately on her credit card with no regard for savings / long term planning or our future.
She contiunues to hoarde (read: buy new of) anything / everything she can, yet dump perfectly usable pieces of furniture, equipment, clothes.. In a nutshell, totally careless about money - I thank my stars for putting me in a situation that I have been able to afford it, but for any sane person, it's enough to drive them mad the way she chooses to shop and then discard stuff....
She has been a stay at home mother largely, though has taken up 5 or 6 different hobbies (proffessions such as furnishings export, jewellery design, 3D Animation, Running a Restaurant (yep, we lost over $500,000 there too) and what have you!!)
Each of her hobbies costs money, but that's fine.. problem is she blames me for not supporting her enough (traveling 4 hours with her to find suppliers etc.. leaving my own work aside) and I am the reason for all her failures....
She wants to be fiercely independent, however, refuses to learn any trade by going in detail, believes she knows it all, and should be given reins of anything to manage from day 1.... Tried that, lost a lot of money, shut down the business...
We relocated countries a while back, she made my life miserable complaining everyday about how she hates it in the new country, and yet when we finally did move back (in less than a year), has been giving me hell to move back out some place else, as she hates it here.... (not to mention the first move ended up costing us $250,000) She has no regard for this, she wants what she wants, and believes money will flow in magically.. You can't have a money discussion with her because then she believes I'm clipping her wings and will show it in her face/attitude for many weeks...
I've not bought a single piece of clothing for over a year since we moved back to our own country, yet she has been stuffing her wardrobe ever since....
She keeps monthly memberships to Spa for she needs a spa treatment, has no concern for me to even ensure that I get food on time (I mean after all, I work 80 hour weeks, am I too mean to expect getting good/proper meals at their usual times?)
She refuses to take any responsibility around the household, or shows any signs that she is even remotely keen to perform any of her partner's duties (considering she's at home) ... If she has charge of household help (yes we have full time help) I can't even expect food that I may like... It has to be always as per her preferences and likes....
When we're entertaining, and if the guests happen to be from my circle of friends, she considers it perfectly normal to just go in to the bedroom and sleep while the guests are still at home...
That's just some of the problems and yet I am unable to decide if I should just separate for a while because I love her so much and the thought is just too painful..
Any pointers for me? Tried therapy a few years ago, she victimizes herself and cries to get her point across... no result there.... It's impossible to have a courteous conversation with her without her countering my point of view, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!! In over 10 years, there has not bee ONE single instance when she has subscribed to my point of view, she ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has the diagonally opposite point of view... So much so, that I've tried to level with her view, only to find it change diametrically again, and now she is of my original view - hope I'm explaining this right.?
She hates my family, never ever ever attempts to meet / greet anyone, hates my friends, will always have an air of superiority around her if she's in a gathering with a friend group of mine.. so it creates an awkward situation for me around my friends (they think my wife has a high attitude, she thinks low of all things me )
How do I fix this? Divorce/Separation is not an option I am considering for I owe this to our daughter (though she completely talks her mother's language) - according to her, no physical activity is a perfectly natural way of living, spa treatments / pedicure / manicure at 12 years of age should be acceptable ... they refuse to holiday unless it is in an exotic locale, fly only business class ... the list is endless... I am providing for all of this, yet feel like being given the doormat treatment ... Not sure how long can I even keep this up .......
Is there any normal way to fix this?
Thanks for reading thus far (if you are still reading it) and sorry for overwhelming you with this ...