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Need some help!

WS and I were a 1 night stand that lasted 13 yrs. She 19 was spoiled rich girl and I 22 was a guy who grew up in poverty. Sex is the one thing my WS stated was the greatest thing about our relationship. WS and I have been married for 6 years separated for the last 4 months. It's been a month since our last escapade. Things were rocky from the start (financial differences), but we were always able to work thru things as we have 3 sons (11, 8, 6) together.

Marriage was great until beginning of this year, my wife wanted to have another child and get a bigger house. I agreed, so she removed her Mirena around February of this year and we started renovating our house. After the removal of her Mirena though, she started changing, we started having more sex and she just seemed more confident than ever. She got a new job working from home and she started part time work at the gym. Everything just seemed so perfect, until I noticed was she was starting to hang around more single people than the married couples that we were usually hanging with. Most of her friends were now singe older women with no kids or younger girls looking to party. I’m not the jealous type, so go do your thing I felt. Unfortunately, she started hanging out at the gym long hours of the day and that’s when I felt something was wrong.

I eventually learn of her emotional affair with her coworker. The same time I find out about the affair she informs me gave her number out to a guy at the gym and she had started planning her departure for 2 years. She stopped wearing her ring. We start an argument where she states I took her for granted, was controlling with the money and was never there for her when she needed me to be. None of this stuff is being brought up until now. I was in complete shock as to what was being said and going on. I admit, at the beginning there was some cheating on my part (not physical, but she found pictures in my phone which was at the beginning of our relationship and before we got married). I understand where I failed my wife (I’m currently going to counseling and she knows) to work on those issues. No physical or verbal abuse ever. However, she seemed to have no remorse for the things that she was doing. I’m furious, so I asked her to leave. I threw her stuff out (not proud of myself at this time), but I had had enough. Legally, she’s able to come back whenever she wants, but she found a rental property that she’s been staying in. She still has a key to my place and comes and goes whenever she has to drop the kids off or their equipment (our kids all play sports).

When she first moved into her place, I helped her out. I wanted to be the loving husband although it killed me inside. I wanted to support her request for having space and that’s what I did. I only went over when she needed help, which would eventually turn into us having sex. We would have sex occasionally, but always seemed angry/confused afterwards. There’s been times I had to comfort her because she hated how she was feeling and didn’t want the kids to resent her for what she was doing. I told her to stay, let’s not rush things because together we would make sure the kids were taken care of while we worked on our issues. So we agreed, we started having Sunday dinners, but there slowly going away (she states she doesn’t want me to get my hopes up if she doesn’t come back.) We still go to bday parties together and have decent conversations when we do have to be together.

During the separation this is what I’ve had to deal with. One, she got pregnant and had an abortion 5-6 weeks after her moving out. Still unsure if the child was mine, but she swears she’s not had sex with anyone else, but does admit to seeing someone. Two, she has lied about our agreement during separation that no friends are to be allowed in our homes, apparently OM has been over multiple times to her place. Three, she has left our oldest (10 at the time) alone while she went out and partied with her new group of friends. After hearing about these things I immediately set some boundaries, and no longer is she seeing this OM and no longer seeking attention from other men (atleast that’s what’s being told).

We’ve been cordial with each other for the sake of the kids, but the longer we’re separated the colder my wife gets. It kills me to believe we can’t work this out. She continues to state that she doesn’t know what she wants right now outside of space. She has too much anger towards me and has no intentions to reconcile with me RIGHT NOW, but doesn’t want a divorce. She starts working from home soon and has plans to start working at the gym part time again.

I want to work this out, do you think it can be saved? I really love my wife and I would hate to see our kids having to live in 2 separate homes. Both of us come from split families so I can’t believe she’d be willing to put our kids thru it.
 

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She needs tough love. She is stringing you along while pretending she is single and setting a TERRIBLE example for your kids.

You need to draw a strong boundary - I will not share my wife. If you WANT to save this (and lots of people wouldn't), then she can move back home immediately, become 100% transparent, cut all contact with any OM and these new party friends, find a NEW gym you can go to together, and go to counseling. She gets a day or two to decide, tops.

Personally, I'll lay out what I expect, and if she didn't jump on it I would file for D.

Does her family know she's out gallivanting around? Does yours? Do your kids?

And while I am not for polygraphs as a rule....she needs to take one.
 

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Ask yourself why you want to work it out with someone who clearly holds so little respect for you.

Ask yourself why you see this dysfunctional person as a prize.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #4
personofinterest

I don't know who she's been talking to about the things going on. I tried to keep things to a close circle of people that I can trust. I don't want my family involved as I don't want any resentment towards her if we were to work things out.

farsidejunky

I understand everything your saying. Why would I, because she stayed when I was caught twice. She stayed both times and we worked it out. I'm not going to come in and make myself seem like an angel, because I'm not. I also know that during these times, the abuser blames themselves, but I know exactly what my shortcomings were. I even was warned by her family, but I was so caught up in just making sure bills were taken care of, food was on the table, hanging out with the fellas that's all I was concerned with.

I also see what a future with us could be like if we were to stick this out. I've seen people move on and do the exact same thing in another marriage. I've also witnessed a separation when someone was almost killed, and now this couple is thriving.
 

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You know she's lying about not having sex and that she likely aborted because the kid wasn't yours, right? No woman who specifically states she wants to have another child aborts her husbands child if she's sure it's his.

EA+Physical Proximity= PA. Adults ****. They don't hold hands like some Disney movie.
 

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The fact she wanted me to go with her to the surgery and confirm the time frame of the pregnancy tells me she had nothing to hide. But you're right, I don't know if the child was mine.

I also set myself up for this. It was me who suggested we see other people, but only have sex with ea other.
 

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Just read on here for a good day or so and you will find your answer. (Hint: HELL NO).

Unless this women craps diamonds or something. Sounds like you got married way too young and now she is going to spend the late part of her early adulthood realizing that she had and gave away a good thing. You won't recover her dating around to figure this out though, assuming you are healthy. The thought of her will hurt you more then the joys of wanting to be with her. Better to just move on and get a head start on that.

There are plenty of other women in the sea as they say.

Cancel that - So you cheated twice.

Your first post kind of skates around that.

I think the damage is done. You both married young, use this as a learning lesson and do better with the next one.
 

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Need some help!

WS and I were a 1 night stand that lasted 13 yrs. She 19 was spoiled rich girl and I 22 was a guy who grew up in poverty. Sex is the one thing my WS stated was the greatest thing about our relationship. WS and I have been married for 6 years separated for the last 4 months. It's been a month since our last escapade. Things were rocky from the start (financial differences), but we were always able to work thru things as we have 3 sons (11, 8, 6) together.

Marriage was great until beginning of this year, my wife wanted to have another child and get a bigger house. I agreed, so she removed her Mirena around February of this year and we started renovating our house. After the removal of her Mirena though, she started changing, we started having more sex and she just seemed more confident than ever. She got a new job working from home and she started part time work at the gym. Everything just seemed so perfect, until I noticed was she was starting to hang around more single people than the married couples that we were usually hanging with. Most of her friends were now singe older women with no kids or younger girls looking to party. I’m not the jealous type, so go do your thing I felt. Unfortunately, she started hanging out at the gym long hours of the day and that’s when I felt something was wrong.

I eventually learn of her emotional affair with her coworker. The same time I find out about the affair she informs me gave her number out to a guy at the gym and she had started planning her departure for 2 years. She stopped wearing her ring. We start an argument where she states I took her for granted, was controlling with the money and was never there for her when she needed me to be. None of this stuff is being brought up until now. I was in complete shock as to what was being said and going on. I admit, at the beginning there was some cheating on my part (not physical, but she found pictures in my phone which was at the beginning of our relationship and before we got married). I understand where I failed my wife (I’m currently going to counseling and she knows) to work on those issues. No physical or verbal abuse ever. However, she seemed to have no remorse for the things that she was doing. I’m furious, so I asked her to leave. I threw her stuff out (not proud of myself at this time), but I had had enough. Legally, she’s able to come back whenever she wants, but she found a rental property that she’s been staying in. She still has a key to my place and comes and goes whenever she has to drop the kids off or their equipment (our kids all play sports).

When she first moved into her place, I helped her out. I wanted to be the loving husband although it killed me inside. I wanted to support her request for having space and that’s what I did. I only went over when she needed help, which would eventually turn into us having sex. We would have sex occasionally, but always seemed angry/confused afterwards. There’s been times I had to comfort her because she hated how she was feeling and didn’t want the kids to resent her for what she was doing. I told her to stay, let’s not rush things because together we would make sure the kids were taken care of while we worked on our issues. So we agreed, we started having Sunday dinners, but there slowly going away (she states she doesn’t want me to get my hopes up if she doesn’t come back.) We still go to bday parties together and have decent conversations when we do have to be together.

During the separation this is what I’ve had to deal with. One, she got pregnant and had an abortion 5-6 weeks after her moving out. Still unsure if the child was mine, but she swears she’s not had sex with anyone else, but does admit to seeing someone. Two, she has lied about our agreement during separation that no friends are to be allowed in our homes, apparently OM has been over multiple times to her place. Three, she has left our oldest (10 at the time) alone while she went out and partied with her new group of friends. After hearing about these things I immediately set some boundaries, and no longer is she seeing this OM and no longer seeking attention from other men (atleast that’s what’s being told).

We’ve been cordial with each other for the sake of the kids, but the longer we’re separated the colder my wife gets. It kills me to believe we can’t work this out. She continues to state that she doesn’t know what she wants right now outside of space. She has too much anger towards me and has no intentions to reconcile with me RIGHT NOW, but doesn’t want a divorce. She starts working from home soon and has plans to start working at the gym part time again.

I want to work this out, do you think it can be saved? I really love my wife and I would hate to see our kids having to live in 2 separate homes. Both of us come from split families so I can’t believe she’d be willing to put our kids thru it.
Brother, you are simply being a weak plaything for her that she can use and abuse at will.

Why are you doing this to yourself. She has not been having an emotional affair. She has been sleeping around and you know that.

Good grief, how long has she been actually cheating on you. When she said she wanted to leave in to years, you should have filed for divorce then.

And of course the child that was aborted was the other mans, you see that right?

Listen, you need to file for divorce and read "no more mr nice guy".

Stop doing this to yourself.

Please, divorce and move on...
 

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While I totally get where you coming from as far as wanting to make it work for the kids, I think in your situation you're going to have to go for an ultimatum. Either she's going to come home and start working really hard to fix the problems you both have, or you are going to move on to divorce.
 

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Just read on here for a good day or so and you will find your answer. (Hint: HELL NO).

Unless this women craps diamonds or something. Sounds like you got married way too young and now she is going to spend the late part of her early adulthood realizing that she had and gave away a good thing. You won't recover her dating around to figure this out though, assuming you are healthy. The thought of her will hurt you more then the joys of wanting to be with her. Better to just move on and get a head start on that.

There are plenty of other women in the sea as they say.

Cancel that - So you cheated twice.

Your first post kind of skates around that.

I think the damage is done. You both married young, use this as a learning lesson and do better with the next one.

I'm confused. Has the OP also cheated....twice?

If that is the case, he is getting what he gave. Plain and simple.

You'd have to be a rampant MGTOW red piller to see it any other way.
 

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I’m with Bluespower he’s pretty much nailed it.
Stop being week OK it serves no good purposes. You know why she’s working at the gym.? That is her endless supply of OMs. She wants to be single let her, but not while she’s married to you.!
 

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Living in infidelity gets you nothing but zero respect from her and for yourself.

File D cut off all contact and go your own way.

Right now you're just another weak Mr Nice Guy.

Wake up
 

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Your idea of a committed relationship and mine are different. You cheated at least twice, were warned by her family, spent your spare time with the fellas, suggested dating others without sex?

She has followed your example--actions speak louder than words. I'm not seeing a lot of maturity here and certainly not seeing the reason for removing birth control. I'm not sure there is any marriage left to save.
 

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Your idea of a committed relationship and mine are different. You cheated at least twice, were warned by her family, spent your spare time with the fellas, suggested dating others without sex?

She has followed your example--actions speak louder than words. I'm not seeing a lot of maturity here and certainly not seeing the reason for removing birth control. I'm not sure there is any marriage left to save.
Funny how the usual crew missed this.....
 

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She needs tough love. She is stringing you along while pretending she is single and setting a TERRIBLE example for your kids.

You need to draw a strong boundary - I will not share my wife. If you WANT to save this (and lots of people wouldn't), then she can move back home immediately, become 100% transparent, cut all contact with any OM and these new party friends, find a NEW gym you can go to together, and go to counseling. She gets a day or two to decide, tops.

Personally, I'll lay out what I expect, and if she didn't jump on it I would file for D.

Does her family know she's out gallivanting around? Does yours? Do your kids?

And while I am not for polygraphs as a rule....she needs to take one.
This with continued counseling for as long as it takes.

I understand her anger, given your straying, but she needs to **** or get off the toilet.

She can have her cake and eat it too if you continue to be her backup cuck.

She needs to make the hard choice to cut it off with you or commit to making it work with you.

There can't be a lot of compromise here and you have a huge amount of lifting to do here, probably more than her, because of your asinine idea to see others.

See others without sex? Sure.....

I feel for your children and honesty your estranged wife because she has damn good reasons for being hurt and confused!

She must love you to still even be in your life but she has to make a decision.

You might be able to make her decision easier by becoming a better man.

I would apologize uninhibitedly and work on myself to the exclusion of nearly everything else.

Pour yourself into your children and becoming a better individual.

Realize that you destroyed your relationship and stop playing in limbo. Do not get in any relationships with anyone else while you are self improving.

Be strong for your wife while keeping boundaries to keep you from taking advantage of her turmoil.

If she doesn't want to move back in with you and commit, this is what is needed.

I do believe your wife needs support so encourage her to get it from healthy sources.

She has been through hell with you and an abortion is emotionally scarring.

Maybe you two can recover your relationship but I think the focus should be on your individual health and the wellness of your children first.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I appreciate everyone's feedback.

I've admitted to all my mistakes. I had pictures in my phone from my friends bday party (took some pics with girls at the party, she found them owned up to it). Another time a woman literally took my phone, put her number in it and told me to call her (Owned up to it). Had no intentions to ever call this woman. I know some may laugh, but it's the honest god truth. I also know people have their own opinion of what's considered cheating. At the time I didn't think much of it, until I put myself in my WS shoes, shiit I'd be pissed. She took me back both times.

After the last incident with the woman, I cut off all friends. Went back to school. Started climbing the corporate ladder and starting spending more time with the family. What I didn't realize was that I got so caught up in trying to right my wrongs, I became a workaholic. I spent more time at work than home. I just wanted to add a couple more thousand to my salary and that would be it. This addiction never stopped until now. We had conflicts, and at the time I didn't realize these conflicts were screams for help. She needed attention and affection. I just wanted to fix S***. I was tasked oriented.

Yes, she has followed my example.

And I admit, lately I've been a little B****. Mr. Nice Guy. A lot of the BS I had coming after all I did. That's why I'm willing to wait this out for a little while longer.
 

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I appreciate everyone's feedback.

I've admitted to all my mistakes. I had pictures in my phone from my friends bday party (took some pics with girls at the party, she found them owned up to it). Another time a woman literally took my phone, put her number in it and told me to call her (Owned up to it). Had no intentions to ever call this woman. I know some may laugh, but it's the honest god truth. I also know people have their own opinion of what's considered cheating. At the time I didn't think much of it, until I put myself in my WS shoes, shiit I'd be pissed. She took me back both times.

After the last incident with the woman, I cut off all friends. Went back to school. Started climbing the corporate ladder and starting spending more time with the family. What I didn't realize was that I got so caught up in trying to right my wrongs, I became a workaholic. I spent more time at work than home. I just wanted to add a couple more thousand to my salary and that would be it. This addiction never stopped until now. We had conflicts, and at the time I didn't realize these conflicts were screams for help. She needed attention and affection. I just wanted to fix S***. I was tasked oriented.

Yes, she has followed my example.

And I admit, lately I've been a little B****. Mr. Nice Guy. A lot of the BS I had coming after all I did. That's why I'm willing to wait this out for a little while longer.
If you are saying that you did not actually have sex with the other women that you were talking to, then yes you are being her little *****... Because she is screwing other guys...

I mean, you get that right?
 
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