You probably should let him know what you are experiencing emotionally and you will have to tell him why.
How long have you known him?
Should I tell my new partner?
I have been through a very abusive marriage. The last years were especially hard as the abuse escalated and it was phisical, verbal, emotional, financial and I also think sexual. My ex used to get mad if I didn't give in when he wanted and how he wanted. Once he used also force, I cried and asked him to stop, but he didn't. That is how I got my second child. Today I am far away from all this, I am safe, have my own place to live, a great job and together with my kids we enjoy our lives. A new partner is in my life now after many years in which I was single. I have a lot of fears. My greatest fear is that I am not able to see the red flags and he will turn out to be abusive too. I am also very afraid of the moment when we will be intimate. Should I tell him first of the abuse I have been through? Or it's better not to disclose so much. I could really appreciate your advice. Thank you!
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How long have you known him?
I have known him for a couple of months.o
You should definitely be up front with him about everything, especially if things look like they are going to be long term.
Not only for your benefit, but also for his long term interests.
Not only for your benefit, but also for his long term interests.
Could you please explain what you are reffering to when saying " his long term interests"? Thank you!
In all fairness to him, he needs to know the big picture here, and where you are at in regards to all of it.Could you please explain what you are reffering to when saying " his long term interests"? Thank you!
That's for your benefit, as well as his.
Another term for this might be doing ones due diligence.
It goes both ways in any relationship.
If you’re intending a serious relationship with this man you should at least tell him you were previously in a bad situation that you’ve since removed yourself from. Then when you’re both ready to you go a little further in depth about what happened.
Yes, by all means sit him down and tell him.I have been through a very abusive marriage. T
.... Today I am far away from all this, I am safe, have my own place to live, a great job and together with my kids we enjoy our lives. A new partner is in my life now after many years in which I was single. I have a lot of fears. My greatest fear is that I am not able to see the red flags and he will turn out to be abusive too. I am also very afraid of the moment when we will be intimate. Should I tell him first of the abuse I have been through? Or it's better not to disclose so much. I could really appreciate your advice. Thank you!
The reason is that you never know when something might trigger a PTSD experience. Unless you have gone through years of therapy and are completely comfortable with your past he might innocently do something that causes a fearful over-reaction on your part. If that happens, he needs to understand that it might not be him or what he did, it might be you.
If you seriously are thinking about being intimate with him, which you say you are and you have fears, which you say you do, you need to talk to him a let him know. You have used the word fear and fears several times in your post, that signifies to me that you are still struggling with your past.
Good luck. I hope you get over your fears and find yourself someone to share your life with, who will treat you like you deserve.
Let your new partner know but in general terms. You don't want to turn a new SO into an amateur therapist.
Just say something like "Hey. you should be aware that my marriage was physically & mental abusive. I still carry some scars from that so if I seem off, know it's not you. That experience damaged my ability to trust easily."
Don't get into details.
If you have not been through therapy around what happened to you, get a counselor. That person can also help you sort through things that you are not sure might be signs of trouble.
Continue posting here. Ask the TAM community's perspective on behaviors. You will get a variety of answers on close calls but the really bad stuff will universally draw ire / validation that something is off.
Just say something like "Hey. you should be aware that my marriage was physically & mental abusive. I still carry some scars from that so if I seem off, know it's not you. That experience damaged my ability to trust easily."
Don't get into details.
If you have not been through therapy around what happened to you, get a counselor. That person can also help you sort through things that you are not sure might be signs of trouble.
Continue posting here. Ask the TAM community's perspective on behaviors. You will get a variety of answers on close calls but the really bad stuff will universally draw ire / validation that something is off.
If you withhold this information, you’re probably doing it out of a place of fear which subconsciously may give you an upper hand until you know him better. However, if he’s someone to be trusted, someone you see yourself building a future with…. He needs to know. He should be a source of protection.I have been through a very abusive marriage. The last years were especially hard as the abuse escalated and it was phisical, verbal, emotional, financial and I also think sexual. My ex used to get mad if I didn't give in when he wanted and how he wanted. Once he used also force, I cried and asked him to stop, but he didn't. That is how I got my second child. Today I am far away from all this, I am safe, have my own place to live, a great job and together with my kids we enjoy our lives. A new partner is in my life now after many years in which I was single. I have a lot of fears. My greatest fear is that I am not able to see the red flags and he will turn out to be abusive too. I am also very afraid of the moment when we will be intimate. Should I tell him first of the abuse I have been through? Or it's better not to disclose so much. I could really appreciate your advice. Thank you!
What happens one day if you get in a disagreement and he raises his voice in the slightest and you panic? A loud voice may mean nothing, but could send you back into the past. If that were a trigger and he didn’t know it, well. You are where I’m going?
I too was abused, not physically, sexually I get what you mean when you say ‘I think,’ sex was used against me not for me and therefore I have similar fears. But I know what to look for and better yet I have close friends watching out for me too. Do you have any friends who have met him?
This is exactly correct. It’s a good idea to let him know in general terms that you’ve had some relationship trauma, but do not vomit on him.Let your new partner know but in general terms. You don't want to turn a new SO into an amateur therapist.
Just say something like "Hey. you should be aware that my marriage was physically & mental abusive. I still carry some scars from that so if I seem off, know it's not you. That experience damaged my ability to trust easily."
Don't get into details.
If you have not been through therapy around what happened to you, get a counselor. That person can also help you sort through things that you are not sure might be signs of trouble.
Continue posting here. Ask the TAM community's perspective on behaviors. You will get a variety of answers on close calls but the really bad stuff will universally draw ire / validation that something is off.
He probably doesn’t want all the details, especially at this stage of your relationship. If he has questions, answer them but don’t go down a rabbit hole. Remember that he’s not your therapist and while it’s good for him to be aware of your past trauma, it’s not his to carry.
This right here is good advice. It isn’t his to carry is very true.This is exactly correct. It’s a good idea to let him know in general terms that you’ve had some relationship trauma, but do not vomit on him.
He probably doesn’t want all the details, especially at this stage of your relationship. If he has questions, answer them but don’t go down a rabbit hole. Remember that he’s not your therapist and while it’s good for him to be aware of your past trauma, it’s not his to carry.
FWIW - I grew up 'abused' - not sexually - just ordinary beatings. Whole family, if someone violates by doing ?? - Solution? BEAT'EM!
What does this have to do with you?
Well, you carry FEAR in your heart of getting into a relationship with another - about whom you know none (yet?) of their history. Same for HIM. The fear being he could be another beast. - I had to fight my demons growing up to not be mean as was done to me. You CAN overcome your fear with the truth gently spoken but direct and factual.
I suggest you engineer a conversation (or many) that speak to sharing your history.
I think you could ease into why you have your fears without stating you are wondering if he is capable of hurting you. For example - I would want to know why you divorced if I were contemplating more than a FWB relationship.
Details? Did you suffer physical pain? Humiliation? A trip to the doctor to fix something. (ER?) How did this affect raising your two children?
If your prospective future is going to include this friend - he should WANT to understand who you are now. And your memories are a bit part of who you are.
Tread slowly and carefully!
What does this have to do with you?
Well, you carry FEAR in your heart of getting into a relationship with another - about whom you know none (yet?) of their history. Same for HIM. The fear being he could be another beast. - I had to fight my demons growing up to not be mean as was done to me. You CAN overcome your fear with the truth gently spoken but direct and factual.
I suggest you engineer a conversation (or many) that speak to sharing your history.
I think you could ease into why you have your fears without stating you are wondering if he is capable of hurting you. For example - I would want to know why you divorced if I were contemplating more than a FWB relationship.
Details? Did you suffer physical pain? Humiliation? A trip to the doctor to fix something. (ER?) How did this affect raising your two children?
If your prospective future is going to include this friend - he should WANT to understand who you are now. And your memories are a bit part of who you are.
Tread slowly and carefully!
Yes, it's true. There is a lot of fear in me that he could be another abuser. But I tell myself if I could leave a marriage with 2 kids, I can also leave him or anyone else. It's hard for me to open up, besides my trust issues, I don't feel good enough, pretty enough... I have moments when I want to go somewhere, to run, to cut all ties with him, but in the same time I feel I am falling for him.
You've already received some good advice and I just want to mention one thing.
My first husband was abusive (I'm married now to my second husband). Back when I was going through it all and separated from my ex-husband (he was arrested for domestic violence and I was placed in a safehouse shelter), a counselor said that women who've been in an abusive marriage/relationship previously often find themselves in another abusive relationship.
Even if that is outdated information today, I think it's worth taking into consideration. Do abusive men prey on previously abused women? Can some previously abused women have a "broken picker"? I have no idea. But I mention all of this not to put fear in you but to please make sure not to ignore any possible red flags with any new man.
The safehouse I was placed in (which was a gorgeous house...but with bulletproof windows and tight security), there was a woman there who had gotten away from her abusive second husband. She once said that her first husband was abusive too but her second husband was so horribly abusive that she wished she had never left her first.
It was in her best interest to leave both, but the point is her two marriages unfortunately illustrate the point I'm trying to make.
As for me...
I worked on myself/healing when my first marriage ended and well before dating. I went to therapy (both individual and group therapy) and it really helped me. I dated a bit before meeting my second husband and I didn't tell any man of my abusive first marriage except my second husband (other guys were nothing serious) and I told him only when I fully trusted him and when things got serious. Today I've been married for 15 (almost 16) years and very happy.
I wish you ALL the best, have fun and be safe.
My first husband was abusive (I'm married now to my second husband). Back when I was going through it all and separated from my ex-husband (he was arrested for domestic violence and I was placed in a safehouse shelter), a counselor said that women who've been in an abusive marriage/relationship previously often find themselves in another abusive relationship.
Even if that is outdated information today, I think it's worth taking into consideration. Do abusive men prey on previously abused women? Can some previously abused women have a "broken picker"? I have no idea. But I mention all of this not to put fear in you but to please make sure not to ignore any possible red flags with any new man.
The safehouse I was placed in (which was a gorgeous house...but with bulletproof windows and tight security), there was a woman there who had gotten away from her abusive second husband. She once said that her first husband was abusive too but her second husband was so horribly abusive that she wished she had never left her first.
It was in her best interest to leave both, but the point is her two marriages unfortunately illustrate the point I'm trying to make.
As for me...
I worked on myself/healing when my first marriage ended and well before dating. I went to therapy (both individual and group therapy) and it really helped me. I dated a bit before meeting my second husband and I didn't tell any man of my abusive first marriage except my second husband (other guys were nothing serious) and I told him only when I fully trusted him and when things got serious. Today I've been married for 15 (almost 16) years and very happy.
I wish you ALL the best, have fun and be safe.
I don't recommend living in fear, just be careful, be cautious and don't ignore warning signs/red flags.Yes, it's true. There is a lot of fear in me that he could be another abuser. But I tell myself if I could leave a marriage with 2 kids, I can also leave him or anyone else. It's hard for me to open up, besides my trust issues, I don't feel good enough, pretty enough... I have moments when I want to go somewhere, to run, to cut all ties with him, but in the same time I feel I am falling for him.
Also, have you considered speaking to a professional, like going to therapy?
Yes, I have started therapy. I thought I was healed, until I met him.
That's great you've started therapy. If you feel comfortable in doing so, maybe mention to your therapist how you felt like you were healed until you met this man?Yes, I have started therapy. I thought I was healed, until I met him.
Is he the first relationship you've had since leaving your husband? If yes, I'm no therapist, but if he's a good guy, MAYBE just being in a romantic relationship again is bringing back some old stuff?
As a man I would want to know because as someone who cares for you I would want to know what I need to do to calm your fears. I’d rather be doing anything you needed to feel safe instead of unknowingly doing something that caused you anxiety. I’d want to be your partner and not your accidental trouble maker.
Also speaking as a man: He already picked you so you can be certain you are already pretty enough and good enough. No need to have concerns on that one
Also speaking as a man: He already picked you so you can be certain you are already pretty enough and good enough. No need to have concerns on that one
Yes, it's the first relationship since my divorce.That's great you've started therapy. If you feel comfortable in doing so, maybe mention to your therapist how you felt like you were healed until you met this man?
Is he the first relationship you've had since leaving your husband? If yes, I'm no therapist, but if he's a good guy, MAYBE just being in a romantic relationship again is bringing back some old stuff?
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