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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are a very cordial couple and don't have any major issues other than what a normal amiable married couple might have *touch wood*. Married for 10 years to an amazing man. Him 36, I 32. 2 young kids. Job-wise he's in a very good position and I'm a SAHM.

My issue is that my husband's sex drive varies significantly depending on the amount of stress he has at work. He works in a good position in a bank and the current economic climate is BAD - so I understand. Yet, he's only 36, so I'm worried it'd become worse over time.

Sex is much better when he is the initiator. He's more aggressive and AT IT (if you know what I mean). Ever since my drive returned to normal, he does initiate at least twice a week, weekend included. So, its not really a complaint - just my venture to attempt greater passion in the marriage.
He finds it very difficult to switch off from work. He works very long hours off and on (depending on the pressures at work) - programming endless codes for his department on his laptop on the couch sometimes late into the evenings/nights and weekends too. The thing is I don't see any end in sight wrt his work timings as its only been gradually & progressively worsening in the past few years.

My drive is somewhat high now, so I'd like to initiate at least once a week. Also, to feel that rush that I can do it for my husband. So many of the men here state that when their wives drop them as much as a hint about possible fun-time, they abandon everything that they're doing and run to be beside her. Now, THAT never happens in my case - not now when I'm more freaky, not then when he was more sex-starved! And no, I'm sure its not because of resentment or anything.

I'm at a loss of how to initiate or get him in the mood when he's not in one (or prepared to be in one) because he doesn't give me much to work on at all.

He doesn't like me running my fingers anywhere on his body as he is very ticklish and ticklishness = nowhere near arousing for him.

He doesn't like me directly touching him there and will quickly express that something feels uncomfortable, smile about it and change the topic if I do so(in a gentle way).

If I do sit on his lap and kiss him - he might continue kissing me for a few seconds but will then pull off to resume whatever he was doing. He'll make polite conversation afterwards, but non-sexual.

Massages never get him worked up - only sleepy.

The only thing left is to ASK HIM - which is absolutely non-romantic as far as I'm concerned. However, I occassionally do so. If I did so when he's doing his work he'd take a few seconds to answer, then look into space probably to calculate time-lines and then agree. If he does give in, he sometimes has trouble maintaining an erection. That's how much he's consumed by work-thoughts/stresses.

The straightforward approach doesn't really work too well with us.
Fancy lingerie does get him going, but again he takes a short while to switch off from work and tend to me. Its never 'GASP...LETS GET GOING NOW!' even when he's only watching sports/news - always at least a few minutes. I think he needs to be prepared for sex and be in the 'zone' - hence, why he wants sex only in the bedroom.:confused:
Once he's not in work-mode and into his 'zone' he's a completely different person (or animal I should say;)).

To his credit, he's very loyal, devoted and a very very selfless lover - his attraction to me never wavered even when I gained weight due to hormonal issues.

I'm in shape now...would consider myself good-looking and a good wife. 95% of the time he's welcomed home with hot home made meals and a well-dressed wife. (and he is very grateful for that) :)

So should I consider this normal behaviour for men?
Should I just take it in stride or would your wives react differently if this is how you acted upon her initiations?
Do the initiations I suggested get you guys going?
If no, what else gets you all going?
 

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Stress will do that.

For days you don't think he will initiate that evening, let him know in advance that you will. Something like "I plan on jumping your bones at 8 tonight. Don't bring too much work home with you."

And remind him during the day. Be careful if IT monitors his email but if you can, be very sexy in the emails.
 

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Thirty-six. Kind of a strange age with forty on the horizon and big expenses. For the ambitious man a time to look where he is on the career ladder relative to where he wants to be while all the time seeking stability such that he can pay the bills.

These are the type of men I truly like and can relate to.

I think what you’ll discover is that his work/life balance is unbalanced. That he’s got himself into that “living to work” mode instead of the “working to live” mode.

Unfortunately without intervention the only time that’s likely to change is if he has a breakdown of some form or another. That may knock him between the eyes and wake him up out of his “trance”.

But you can help with an intervention. I think the thing to do is get the children sorted for the weekend and book the weekend away. Give him plenty of notice, say a couple of weeks so he can plan his schedule/workload around it.

Tell him that you want to sit down with him and plan your future together. This includes the financials (for paying off the mortgage, retirement etc.), what you’ll do when the children leave home (planning for the empty nest) and what you’ll do when you retire.



The idea is to blue sky, to take his mind out of the detail of his life and look at the big picture. To get you very own "Couples Mission Statement" written down. To somehow let him know that time is passing and hopefully slowly but surely give him enough dreams and aspirations such that he begins to work to live instead of the other way round.


Once he starts “getting it” hopefully he’ll take more time off, get himself out in the fresh air and exercise and all that such that his drive increases naturally.
 

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Your H sounds like me. I was also a bank strategist and loved my job. It kept my brain busy constantly. My sex drive was high overall but irregular. I would go through alternating periods of not caring about sex at all and not being able to think about anything else. Normally in line with the cycle of my work. It caused a lot of trouble in my relationship because her sex drive was also high but more regular.

Normally the trigger for getting my sex drive back would be time alone, with nothing to do. I'd end up masturbating and looking at porn, that would sort of kick start my sexual mind and then I'd want sex. But if I never had that time alone I would just keep thinking about work stuff. So if he's anything like me the key is giving him some time alone without any other responsibilities. Give him a chance to kind of unwind and recenter.

Then there is all the other stuff like nutrition and exersize which helps too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Stress will do that.
For days you don't think he will initiate that evening, let him know in advance that you will. Something like "I plan on jumping your bones at 8 tonight. Don't bring too much work home with you."
And remind him during the day. Be careful if IT monitors his email but if you can, be very sexy in the emails.
Yes Chris this is what I do even if not the exact words... drop him hints like you stated and that sorta lets him know...so it happens...but its never spontaneous unless its carefree weekends or stress-free vacations...

@ AFEH thanks for your well-thought out post. You are right, he is quite ambitious and always looking out for means to better himself career-front. Hmmmm as for the rest of it, maybe my post comes across as though he is like that always....no not always... but during phases - weeks/months when the stress load is high...thankfully we do take vacations (not without kids as they're too young to be left behind) twice a year...

as for the last bit, he does have his financials sorted...but its something he doesn't go into detail discussions with me...(a bit traditional isn't it? My dad is like that with my mom) He'll give me a quick update/brief up if I ask, but we don't discuss much...he handles finances, I handle home and children...since he's so good with the former and I with the latter, we generally let the expert handle that sphere/area of our household.

and about the exercise - I'm prodding him to go but with such long hours he doesnt find the time... he has a gym membership thats going to waste... but I will remind him gently now and again...
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
East2west you are SPOT ON! You have described exactly what my husband is like... his drive varies depending on the normal/stressful phases at work. He doesn't masturbate but unwinds (TV and browsing sports/news on his laptop).
To his credit his drive has more or less remained the same (always twice per week except if its vacation or something). Its mine that became non-existant after marriage and has returned to its normal now. (Realized it was hormonal due to PCOS. Infertility treatment & subsequent pregnancy have returned my cycle and drive to normal)

Since you mirror his thoughts I ask, have you never really had bouts of spontaneous urges - or a desire to take your wife then and there?

@ Mavash - he is not a nice guy outside the house. LOL I don't mean it in a bad way - I mean (by this forum's terms) he's more alpha to outsiders. He generally wouldn't go out of his way to help anyone or anything unless asked for/needed...similarly, he'll never ask anyone for help either. He's more of the 'live and let live types'... Doesn't succumb to 'attitude' from anyone at work...generally speaks when spoken to i.e. not a conversation initiator...doesn't need to socialize (he will attend the christmas/new year parties and team dinners but not the weekly/monthly drinks) and definitely doesn't like to 'please' anyone... if you know what I mean...
at home, he's not so...he'll let me and his young sons walk all over him (in a nice way)...as long as its something that doesn't bother him much, we could even get away with murder...I'm the one who snaps every now and again - he's generally more patient in handling me unless he's already stressed from work... but the few things that do bother him, we know better than to NOT cross the line...in such instances there's no way the intensity of my temper could match his... so at home he's a mix of alpha-beta...
but generally we're a peaceful household as he doesn't interfere with housework etc... and I give him his space when he needs to do whatever he needs to...However, having said that I don't think he'd be the type who could get along with a very competitive career-minded wife...:)

and Trex...you're right its not rejection at all... just didn't know what better word to use there...:)
 

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OP, I like the idea of you organizing a babysitter for a weekend and a trip away for you both.

It does sound like your H is stressed and, although it probably feels like rejection, in all probability it isn't. His mind is just work absorbed, and that cycle needs to be broken. A cosy little weekend, just the two of you, could be just what the 'doctor' ordered.

PS Stock up with some new lingerie and stockings for the trip :)
 
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