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My husband and I were married 10 months ago and I feel like a made a huge mistake. We have been together for 8 years and have been living together for 5 years. Both of us are in our early 30's and we do not have any children. We have had our ups and downs just like any other couple but recently I feel so hopeless with our marriage and I'm not sure what to do. We keep having the same arguments over and over again that we have had for the majority of our relationship. I convinced myself that if we got married everything would get better. I feel like such a fool.

The number one issue is the lack of respect I feel that I receive. Due to this I finally have stopped trying/fighting for our relationship. I have truly been the most unhappy with him for the last few months and everything just recently boiled over because I could not hold it in any longer. I tried many times to tell him how I feel but he tells me I'm too sensitive and won't discuss anything with me.

We have absolutely no sex life. He feels that this is the reason for all of our problems. If I were to just give in and have sex with him when he wants it he says he would treat me better. I'm sorry but I have some self respect left and I don't feel like I should have to earn his affection, attention, or respect by having sex and totally disregard how negatively he has been treating me. Believe me I have given in so many times to see if things would get "better" and they never do. So now that's why I'm to the point of not havig sex with him at all. I know there is no excuse for this but I recently got intimate with a co-worker. Only he and I know...we promised that neither one of us would ever tell anyone as we both have so much at stake. We did not have sex but things went far enough. He is having many of the same issues with his wife and we each found so much comfort through each other. I regret it for the simple fact that I am married. Other than that I had completely forgotten what it was like to have someone admire me like that. Now this situation has only added more confusion on to this decision of whether to stay with my husband or not.

I have started making my own plans and really have not considered him in any of the decisions I have been making. I actually look forward to the times he is not home or with me when I leave the house. I envision us divorcing and I actually get hopeful when I see myself having a fresh start. At the same time I feel horrible for feeling this way. Due to this I finally told him that things have gotten so bad for me that I am considering leaving. This seemed to finally get through to him. We had a long conversation about the things that are upsetting to each of us and we have decided to seek counseling. I really want to give this a fair shot but I am terrified!

We have done this vicious cycle over and over again, minus the leaving and counseling part. He shapes up for a few days or a week and then it's right back to where we were. He puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, and makes me feel so guilty for everything. This makes me become a person I really do not want to be. I have always been upbeat and positive but for the last couple of years I have been pesimistic and negative towards many things. I do not like who I have become and everytime I try to go back to being myself he gets very unhappy with me or my behavior. I feel so trapped and suffocated when I can't be true to myself just so I don't upset him. I am so scared that counseling won't change anything and that I will be right back to this point in only a matter of time.

There are so many other problems aside from what I have mentioned here but I just wanted some opinions on these things first. Thanks for your help!
 

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i am in a very similar situation with my wife and she currently is taking time to think, which in reality just means she is going out all the time and living the singld lifestyle. I too have my suspicions, though not confirmed, that she has developed at least an emotional connection somewhere else which i dont completely blame her for but is not a good feeling nor a good move for a relationship.

All i want now is for her to decide or at least talk about her feelings and our future so that we may both begin to fix our relationship or start to move on. No matter what she is feeling i dont think its right to keep me hanging on a thread.

Not sure if that is any help to you but just a mans point of view in an almost identical situation.
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Thank you for your perspective @brokenman2012. I really appreciate hearing things from the husband's side.

Have you tried approaching your wife about your feelings? If she is anything like me I am tired of having to be the one to always bring up discussions. This time in order to get my husband to sit down and listen I had to tell him I was at the point of leaving. If you approached your wife in a gentle manner and let her know you care and want to seek some help that would go a long way...at least it would have for me.

I am still the one who is contacting the therepist and getting that ball rolling. However, this time my husband is trying very hard to make this work. I am still extremely terrified that it will only be a matter of time until we are back here but I feel that I owe it to us to give it one last shot. We have both made so many mistakes and unless we try to work on them together we won't get anywhere. Just something from the wife's perspective for you to think about. I wish you all the best!
 

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I tried talking to her but she was far too heated to have any discussion so I left it alone, that was about 4 days ago. At the moment I am just giving her the distance/space she asked for so she can focus more on her study and relax a bit, and in the meantime im working on bringing out the old me and although things are pretty messy im actually in a much better mental state and she sounds like she has calmed down a lot too.

Hoping by the end of the week we will be able to have a conversation whether it be for better or worse. Many things I want to talk about but last time we spoke she insisted she would approach me when she was ready to talk.

Im feeling some good signs but i know if this 'space' lasts for too long it will do more harm than good. At least if she lets me know where she is going on the weekend it will make me feel a lot better but i wont be poking around trying to find out.

fingers crossed!
 

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@ marriageinlimbo: I give you credit for continuing to try. Just remember, if this is going to work, your husband must be commited to changing for the better. If he is not, I suspect that you all will be in the same position in a couple of months. In the end, you may still have to make that decision to end the relationship.

I feel for you, I too ignored the signs I saw in my relationship and got married anyway. But to her credit, she is trying hard to be better :)

@ brokenman2012: Usually the "I need time to think" phrase is code for "I am done and need to figure out how to get out of this relationship."
 

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Thank you for your responses and advice. I really have a lot to think about and both my husband and I have a tremendous amount of issues to work on. We have our first therapy appointment this week. I have so many mixed feelings about it.

When I asked my husband to go to therapy, which was a couple of days ago, he has been very attentive and supportive. I am so scared that we are going to go through therapy and end up right back here. Part of me wants to fight for our marriage in the worst way. It's so hard to just give up and try to move on when we have all of this history. I realize I'm not the first person to feel this way or no one would get divorced.

How much time should I allow to see if things improve? Is it realistic to even believe things will change? Any other advice anyone has I would be open to and appreciate. Thank you!
 

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if my wife and I went to therapy i probably wouldnt put a time frame on it. just stick it out and see how things go.

@C3156: That is certainly what this feels like, but i think it is wrong after so long to just give up without even talking about it or putting in any effort. just my thoughts.
 
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