[The Nader]

I have been married for 15 years. Throughout those years There has always been a trust issue with me regarding my wife for various reasons. Once she told me if I did not do something for her she would get the guy from her English class to do it for her. She has 2 adult children and we have 2 together. She has said that if a man and a woman have children then her man comes 1st but that if they are no longer together and she is with another man then the children come 1st and then her man. So her 1st 2 kids come first then me then my kids. The only problem is that meat I had to put her 2 kids before me and my two kids. I told her I understand her logic but that is not something you should be telling your husband. At a party I overheard her say "that's right! I told my husband that he will not be 1st to me and she explained her logic. I again told her that she should not be telling people that. Once when I agreed with my daughter over her she shouted "I am your wife! I come 1st!" I asked her if I came 1st with her. She said no. I said so why would you expect to be 1st with me? She was very upset. Anyway, Over the last couple of years, I had reason to believe that there is another man. She also has a friend/boss that has control of her and my wife does whatever she wants. I also believe that she has something to do with the other man. I did ask her much about what was going on and she said she wanted to separate. She said she did not love me so I told her to get out. And to my surprise when I arrived home she left with the kids and the dog. she also called the police on me even though I was not there. Over the next three days, she called the police 2 more times when I was present. She changed her phone number and bought a car that is registered and insured in someone else's name. Yet she wants me to go to therapy. I filed for divorce and custody and she seems to not care. At least in my face, she seems not to care. It's like a game. The point is I have not been happy for years. I hate that my wife has left and started what seems to me to be a separate life with her friend to the point of having a car that I was not included in helping her with Except to provide the funds for the car. I don't like her friend but I know if I stay I will have to deal with her. I cry often over this. I want out but I still love her dearly. I am at my wit's end and I don't know if I should fight to stay with her or count my blessings and flee. Would love all input and I can fill in the blanks as the conversation develops.

Thanks!
The Nader

 

[Mr.Married]

Dude get your act together...... how many times do you need her to slap you in the face?

Ditch that witch.

 

[Marc878]

When someone hits you in the face 3-4 times you should learn to duck. Get out ASAP
you have no future here.

 

[jlg07]

Get to a lawyer ASAP. She can't just up and leave with your kids and YOU have no visitation/care for them. Yes, she has probably cheated. She is NOT who you are "in love with" -- she is someone who has pulled the wool over your eyes making you THINK she was someone else, and now she has betrayed you. You are in love with an image of a person who does not exist.

Make sure you get to a bank -- get 1/2 of your funds OUT of where she can access them (into your own account), cancel your joint cards and get one JUST for yourself. Check your finances and see if she has pulled any shenanigans. You could check her phone bill (if you have access), but at this point you already know she has been cheating.

You should also have your lawyer draw up a separation agreement that does NOT allow any 3rd party (her POSOM) to be introduced to the kids.

Look she is treating YOU as the enemy by calling the cops on you. YOU need to protect yourself and your kids.
Let her worry about her and HER kids.

 

[The Nader]

Dude get your act together...... how many times do you need her to slap you in the face?

Ditch that witch.

I am trying so hard. She has been served divorce papers and we have a custody date coming up in a week. I think I have become so accustomed to having a family that it is killing me to imagine not having one. At least in the traditional sense. I know I should get out and I am set to leave. But what if through this therapy she makes a change? We have never really done therapy. The last time we tried was over ten years ago and we lasted 2 sessions. Thanks for your response. I take it seriously.

 

[The Nader]

When someone hits you in the face 3-4 times you should learn to duck. Get out ASAP
you have no future here.

I have been struck many times by her. 1 time physically. There is a constant tug of war between us. We cant work together without arguing, we can't even exercise together without fighting. It's crazy. She yells and screams on a regular basis and I walk on eggshells around her constantly worried if she's going to be pissed about something. She does not understand it though. When I explain the last event that I bothered her to the point of asking for a separation then you guys will really let me have it.

 

[jlg07]

"But what if through this therapy she makes a change? We have never really done therapy. " This is called HOPIUM -- you wish it to be. It will not be. From what you've said, I would not be surprised if she has some un-diagnosed mental illness.
There is NO POINT for the both of you to go to marriage counseling -- she won't do any of the work and has (from what you've said) NO interest in working on or saving the marriage.

If she has already moved in with her friend (Is this her affair partner), what else do you need? She's gone, and from the sounds of what she's put you through, it is for the better for you.

 

[The Nader]

Get to a lawyer ASAP. She can't just up and leave with your kids and YOU have no visitation/care for them. Yes, she has probably cheated. She is NOT who you are "in love with" -- she is someone who has pulled the wool over your eyes making you THINK she was someone else, and now she has betrayed you. You are in love with an image of a person who does not exist.

Make sure you get to a bank -- get 1/2 of your funds OUT of where she can access them (into your own account), cancel your joint cards and get one JUST for yourself. Check your finances and see if she has pulled any shenanigans. You could check her phone bill (if you have access), but at this point you already know she has been cheating.

You should also have your lawyer draw up a separation agreement that does NOT allow any 3rd party (her POSOM) to be introduced to the kids.

Look she is treating YOU as the enemy by calling the cops on you. YOU need to protect yourself and your kids.
Let her worry about her and HER kids.

She did just that. Now we came to an agreement and I have the kids 3 1/2 days a week. My wife boss for the better part of two years had my wife clean her house every Saturday. my wife was there all day. My wife sexual history was that of a dead fish and when I tried things she would refuse. Once I asked her to use her hand on me and she said "why would I do that? It does nothing for me." She would not move she would not touch and she was horrible at bj's. (Am I allowed to write this)? Anyway, it does not take 6-8 hours to clean the same house every Saturday. My wife began doing things that she would not do. She moved she touched and now gives a great BJ without practicing with me. Trying to give her an out I ask if she has been reading and studying to learn these changes and she says no. I have a new job and I'm so happy that Im trying more. Naturally, I said a new job, as far as I know, has never caused anyone to give a great Bj. About 4 months later the subject was broached again and she says but I have always done that. I said Never. A man knows his wife and you were never like that. another few months pass and now she says she studied online and read books and that's how she learned. I cried foul and said but you said in the beginning that that was not true. Then I find out that the boss's brother lived at the house in a basement apartment. The truth is I don't know what was going on but my wife's changes were enough to concern me.

 

[jlg07]

So, don't worry about the past with her -- you can't change it. Realize that she was probably cheating WAY before you suspected her of it.
STOP talking with her, stop dealing with her except through lawyers. As for the custody, make sure you have that in an agreement vetted by a lawyer. DON'T believe her if she just "says" it to you.

You are much better off away from her from the sounds of it.
I don't know if you live in a state where adultery matters in your divorce -- if so, maybe hire a PI to get the goods on her to help with the divorce case (if it does NOT matter in your state, I wouldn't waste the money -- you KNOW she is cheating).

 

[The Nader]

"But what if through this therapy she makes a change? We have never really done therapy. " This is called HOPIUM -- you wish it to be. It will not be. From what you've said, I would not be surprised if she has some un-diagnosed mental illness.
There is NO POINT for the both of you to go to marriage counseling -- she won't do any of the work and has (from what you've said) NO interest in working on or saving the marriage.

If she has already moved in with her friend (Is this her affair partner), what else do you need? She's gone, and from the sounds of what she's put you through, it is for the better for you.

I am not sure if the friend is her affair partner. However, it did occur that it was a possibility. Once at a party at the boss/friend's house, I was sitting next to my wife and her boss/friend sits on the other side of my wife and calmly puts her hands between my wife's legs to warm her hands. I said nothing at the party as to not cause a scene. However, when we arrived home I asked her about it. I told her it was not appropriate. My wife said she did not see a problem with it. that lead to later discussions as well. There is a constant show of disrespect of a wife towards her husband. To the point where this woman comes first. In fact I believe without any proof fellas that she urged my wife to ask for a separation. And that is why I am here today.

 

[jlg07]

SO, if this woman is your wife's affair partner, I hate to say this but YOU don't have the equipment to compete with that.
If your wife has suddenly realized she is gay, she should have had the balls to tell you that.

A BOSS putting hands between your wife's legs? THAT would get most people fired at larger companies, period.
If you need proof, get a PI. Otherwise, get wiser, learn from this, and move on to a better person.

 

[The Nader]

So, don't worry about the past with her -- you can't change it. Realize that she was probably cheating WAY before you suspected her of it.
STOP talking with her, stop dealing with her except through lawyers. As for the custody, make sure you have that in an agreement vetted by a lawyer. DON'T believe her if she just "says" it to you.

You are much better off away from her from the sounds of it.
I don't know if you live in a state where adultery matters in your divorce -- if so, maybe hire a PI to get the goods on her to help with the divorce case (if it does NOT matter in your state, I wouldn't waste the money -- you KNOW she is cheating).

That is where I am leaning most. I am here to get opinions from you guys. A support group as it were. Writing and reading your responses helps.

 

[The Nader]

Get to a lawyer ASAP. She can't just up and leave with your kids and YOU have no visitation/care for them. Yes, she has probably cheated. She is NOT who you are "in love with" -- she is someone who has pulled the wool over your eyes making you THINK she was someone else, and now she has betrayed you. You are in love with an image of a person who does not exist.

Make sure you get to a bank -- get 1/2 of your funds OUT of where she can access them (into your own account), cancel your joint cards and get one JUST for yourself. Check your finances and see if she has pulled any shenanigans. You could check her phone bill (if you have access), but at this point you already know she has been cheating.

You should also have your lawyer draw up a separation agreement that does NOT allow any 3rd party (her POSOM) to be introduced to the kids.

Look she is treating YOU as the enemy by calling the cops on you. YOU need to protect yourself and your kids.
Let her worry about her and HER kids.

I have an attorney and filed for divorce and she was served divorce papers. I'm having 2nd thoughts regarding follow-up. With your help, I will push through this no matter how much it hurts.

 

[The Nader]

SO, if this woman is your wife's affair partner, I hate to say this but YOU don't have the equipment to compete with that.
If your wife has suddenly realized she is gay, she should have had the balls to tell you that.

A BOSS putting hands between your wife's legs? THAT would get most people fired at larger companies, period.
If you need proof, get a PI. Otherwise, get wiser, learn from this, and move on to a better person.

oh Her boss/friend is married to a man. Supposedly they have the best relationship. My relationship is constantly being compared to theirs.

 

[jlg07]

oh Her boss/friend is married to a man. Supposedly they have the best relationship. My relationship is constantly being compared to theirs.

OK, so very confusing as to why a married woman would put her hands between your wife's legs.
Second, if she is living with the woman AND her husband -- do you think there could be something going on between the three of them? (there are many stories here just like that where the wife is fooling around with a couple).?

Also, look I don't know your entire situation, so do not let ME (or ANYONE ELSE here) decide what is right for you -- to try to reconcile with her, or divorce her. NONE of us know the entire story here.
I am going by what YOU have said in a few paragraphs. You have indicated she is VERY manipulative to get her way, probably has cheated on you (possibly with multiple different people), was never affectionate with you, gave you awful sex with no emotional connection, lied to you, and now even seems to have a CAR from someone else?
Based on THAT, I would say you are better off without her and finding a true partner to be with -- she doesn't seem capable of that.

 

[Marc878]

oh Her boss/friend is married to a man. Supposedly they have the best relationship. My relationship is constantly being compared to theirs.

Cut off all unnecessary contact. Read up on the 180. You hired your attorney for a reason. Let him guide you and do his job.

 

[Marc878]

The 180. Read it

The 180

Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com

 

[Marc878]

It would be a good idea for you to download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” byGlover
its a free pdf.

 

[syhoybenden]

I think I have become so accustomed to having a family that it is killing me to imagine not having one.

No.

I think that you are imagining that you actually have a family.

 

[Blondilocks]

Your wife didn't get better at bjs from having an affair with a woman. How did you come to provide funds for a car that is registered to someone else and who is that person?

I have never seen a woman place her hands between another woman's legs to warm them. Is your wife from a different culture/country? And, her boss?