[bswan]

Hey Everyone, I am new to this forum and hoping I can get some good insight and advice because I have just been so painfully lost lately, I am losing even who I am.

My "boyfriend" and I have been together for four years and broke up twice now through that time. We have a 2 year old daughter and we've all gone through a lot. When my boyfriend and I were younger (we dated before when we were much younger too) I had hurt him, I wasn't faithful to him. I made my mistakes and swore to change. Well we started doing a lot better and then we found out that I was pregnant. I was a completely devoted girlfriend to him going up and beyond. When our daughter was about 3 months old he left us for another woman. I begged and pleaded and got extremely depressed...it was ugly. Anyways, he didn't come back. We were broken up for 3-4 months, during this time he had sex with my 3 close friends, and was just in a party mode. Didn't seem to care about my daughter or I. Eventually when his world crumbled, he came back to me and I took him back. We've still had bumps in the road but since we've matured things were going okay.

We ended up breaking up again this year for 3 months and as of about 3 months ago he moved back in with us. He was treating me much better, but Im just not ready to be with him. I dont know if its the inconsistency, but hes been waiting for me to be his girlfriend again and it seems like im almost scared of comittment with him now. I keep thinking of this guy I was seeing when we were broken up. Sometimes Ill imagine sex with him, or think about it frequently. There wasnt even something particularly special with this man in the end and my mind is still racing over him. Almost like it wants anything else! I do love him very much, he can be a very good dad, and then at times Ill have to tell him to respond to her when shes talking to him, or ask him to spend time with her. We are young parents so I dont know if thats part of it. He makes me feel like Im crazy because of how confused I am. He always wants to have sex, I hardly want him to be near me. He wants to be with me, and I don't. I dont know why. I do love him, I see my future with him, and he has a great relationship with my family as I do with his. It does make a lot of sence together and of course worth trying for our family. Im sorry if this all seems really scattered. I don't want to drag out what each of us have done to one another, we both have hurt eachother and agreed to move past it. But maybe our actions are showing we really haven't? What should I do at this point? I want to feel the flame with him again and have our family work. but how do I get my mind thinking straight and focusing on us? I just keep battling, 50% of me wants that and the other 50% of me doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he brings out the worst in me, I get stressed out, angry, unmotivated, and am less of a happy person. When we were broken up this last time, I put a smile on my face just because it felt good feeling who I was again. Knowing what I was doing and that felt like it was the right thing. Now I dont have that feeling anymore. Do I stay, or do I go? If I stay, will my heart always be whispering out to me that it doesnt feel right and go find what does? Just cant take this confusion anymore its driving me insane and depressed again. I have to figure this out. Thanks everyone please ask any questions that I left out or that your mixed up on!

 

[IrishGirlVA]

What you are feeling is completely normal. You are NOT crazy and please do not let your "bf" make you think differently. And the issue is not his inconsistent behavior but the fact that his behavior IS consistent. He has left, cheated, came back. Left, cheated, came back. So of course you are going to keep yourself at an emotional and physical distance until HE shows you that this cycle is going to come to an end for good. And honestly, that may not happen. But you need to get to a place where you have more faith in your relationship then you do now.

And as far as this guy you have been thinking about - well - not surprising. With everything going on you are grasping for a distraction and the good memories with this guy is helping you deal with the bad things going on at home. It's a mental place to escape so you can keep it together. But if you more or less took your bf back in then you cannot go there with this other guy. If you want to work things out with bf then you need to focus on your relationship with him 100%. And your bf needs to do the same exact thing.

You obviously can make it on your own as you have done many times when you guys broke up. My suggestion is that you two separate your living arrangements and bring it back to a "dating" level. Perhaps distance will make your relationship stronger. This will give him the opportunity to show you he can be faithful and perhaps you'll see this guy for the man he was when you first met. It's ok to back track a little relationship wise provided the long term goal is to be together and happy later.

 

[Chris Taylor]

You are his plan B. When things gets rough, he leaves, has fun, and hen that fades you are his old stand-by. In your heart, you know this and you are just waiting for the next time he walks out the door for another couple of months.

If you really want to make a go of it, both of you need counseling. If he doesn't want to go, go alone. My guess is you will hear exactly what I said above and will clearly see what you need to do.

 

[bswan]

See the thing is hes not like that anymore though. He has nothing anymore my daughter and him are his life and I know hes set on us now. But Im not? Irish Girl you couldn't have put it in better words, that explains exactly what Im feeling.

For example hes on his way back from work right now and were fighting. I am a stay at home mom, So I dont get the chance to get out and do anything. School is starting back up next year, and I cant afford a baby sitter to work. Anyways, my friend from far away is coming down for the weekend to the city I used to live in, not far from me. I called my "boyfriend" and told him calmly that she was coming down, and If I were to go out Saturday night and hang out with her and some friends if that would be okay, and he instantly got upset. He shot me attitude right away, trying to bring in money into the problem, saying that if he ever wants to go out he doesnt want to hear anything about it, which i wouldnt anyway. I dont even care enough anymore to be mad about that. So we hung up, he got pissed off texting me saying if i screw up i know what im losing, and I just told him forget it, i wont go out it is what it is, and ill text my friend right now and let her know. He got upset saying Ï just told u do whatever u want jesus must I spell it out? this so called relationship is way too much bs come the end of this month ****s gonna be different for everybody. Im not gonna do this anymore its either u wanna be with me or u dont no inbetween. dont try." then again saying..."I hope you understand I just cant do this anymore i dont know what to call you, my gf, my friend with benefits, what?!"

I dont know what to say. I dont know what I should do, maybe I should let this be broken off? I want it to work and my daughter is so invested in us being together, it would be incredibly hard on all of us and my new relationship with his family would all fall to crumbles.

 

[Prodigal]

I dont know what I should do, maybe I should let this be broken off? I want it to work and my daughter is so invested in us being together, it would be incredibly hard on all of us and my new relationship with his family would all fall to crumbles.

Your daughter may be "invested" in you and your bf being together, but what type of example are you setting for her? Gee, let's see ... we get p.o'd, we fight, we break up, make up, then rinse and repeat.

So what if the relationship with his family falls apart? You aren't 1,000 years old. There ARE other men in the world.

Ever thought of leaning on your own family and friends, getting more education, getting a decent job (even in this economy, there ARE jobs to be had), and moving on in a productive manner?

Because what both of you two are doing is not productive. In fact, it's downright toxic. I've lived a long time, and I think I have a pretty good understanding of relationships. The relationship you have with your bf is toxic and emotionally immature.

You deserve to grow, as does your daughter. Stay with the familiar same ole' sh!t or take the leap of faith that you can have a much better life.

Hey, LIFE IS SHORT. And I mean SHORT. Quit screwing around with this clown. Go out and grab life by the [email protected] Seriously. You can have a better relationship with yourself, your child, and a decent man; not some jerk who comes and goes like you're his fallback-on plan.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

I called my "boyfriend" and told him calmly that she was coming down, and If I were to go out Saturday night and hang out with her and some friends if that would be okay, and he instantly got upset.

Yeah, I'd stop asking if it's ok to go out. I'd start telling him you are going. You deserve a break from your child, too. You don't need his permission.

I really do hope you can leave this living arrangement. It's not going to get any better if he doesn't acknowledge that he is part of the problem. He's emotionally abusive and as your child gets older they are going to believe that is how people treat others --- and how others should just sit back and take it.

I've been in your shoes before and my biggest regret was not buying a new pair sooner.

 

[hubbyfetish]

You need breaks from time to time and there is no reason why you can't go out with your friends and enjoy some "me" time.

He is emotionally abusive and as long as it continues, your child will grow up in this environment thinking that is the way it is. And then when she is in a relationship later on down the road and this happens to her...she is going to think it is normal.