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Discussion Starter #1
After 18 years of a fairly solid monogamous (both of us) marriage, my wife sunk into a hormone related depression that involved a 2 month affair. She didn't know that I knew but I have 100% proof. I danced around it and gave her a chance to confess but she would not. She finally came to her senses and realized the impact on the family (2 kids, 12 & 16), and ended it. Now that it is over what are the pros and cons of confronting her with my proof? Our sex life has been more than most could ever ask for (5-6 times a week). I love her but she is lying thru her teeth.
 

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If you had 100% What was the purpose of waiting for her to confess?

Why are you so sure that she ended it? Do you have 100% proof?
 

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After 18 years of a fairly solid monogamous (both of us) marriage, my wife sunk into a hormone related depression that involved a 2 month affair. She didn't know that I knew but I have 100% proof. I danced around it and gave her a chance to confess but she would not. She finally came to her senses and realized the impact on the family (2 kids, 12 & 16), and ended it. Now that it is over what are the pros and cons of confronting her with my proof? Our sex life has been more than most could ever ask for (5-6 times a week). I love her but she is lying thru her teeth.
Man up and confront. It's not worth the pity sex.

What's to stop her from doing it again? I'm surprised you can even touch her after that. You will always resent her if you continue to live this way and don't use her depression as a scapegoat. ALSO, DON'T think she ended it in a bout of self righteousness. Trust me, you know very little of what actually went on - and she's being deceitful to you right now!

She had fun, no consequences, while you have to face the tremendous hurt.

She will want the affair high again later on if you do nothing now.

Without establishing consequences and boundaries, she will walk all over you just like she is doing now.
 

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She will never voluntarily confess this to you; she'll take her "secret" to her grave. And the lie will be there between you for the rest of your lives. And it will eat at you and impede your ability to ever trust her again. You must confront this. Only then can you begin to heal.
 

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First, who is the OM, how did they meet, how do you know it's over and how did you discover it? Is he married and have you decided that you are making all the OM's wife's life decisions too?

Lying is an act of disrespect and superiority. She will feel less respect for 'that big dumb doofus' that she put one over on.

If you don't care about her opinion (she is, after all, a cheater) than carry on.

But a day will come when this disrespect will come bubbling to the surface. What will you do then?

So you don't NEED to reveal it, but save it for when she starts showing signs.

I would not suggest it though since it will allow her to spiral out of control again and you will likely need to take far STRONGER actions to shake her out of it (think papers).

If you MUST do the Anglo Saxon 'talk around the primary issue' thing, here is a conversation:

"Honey, there is a really cute girl at work I was thinking of having sex with. Do you think there is any downside to that decision?"

Her answer should inform you on how to proceed.
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Yes. Reveal without revealing sources. Work from there. Be ready for some bs on how it was your fault. Don't allow for it.
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Discussion Starter #9
All good points. Thanks for the advice. This situation is a bit more complex than my synopsis. I will be more specific now.

During our marriage, she has had a few times to question her trust in me. I am not perfect, but have never cheated in any way. For a short time I was too into internet porn. I think she may think that I have actually cheated. No 100%. In the past I have hidden financial set-backs from her, but it was only because I didn't want her to worry & I knew eventually we would bounce back. I am a good person and a good dad, but I have not been overly involved in my kids school, events & sports. My oldest child has chronic health issues that require an extra degree of attention. My wife has almost handled this exclusively- in my defense, she was a stay at home mom the first 6 years. I work extremely hard and my job is extremely stressful, but I make more than 10 times her income now that she has been back in the work force. Conversely, I tend to be very lazy at home, which unfortunately leaves a lot of the house care to her. You women know this can be overwhelming. All her life everyone who knows her says she is incredibly unselfish, and always has put others first. Obviously this kind of person can easily find themselves completely spent. About six months ago she started to slip into a hormone influenced depressive state of sadness. She was super mom/employee/friend during the day, but often spent time crying at night. She is on Bio-Identicals and has taken Zoloft for periods of time.

During this time we started to talk about her condition and our relationship. There was a lot of "its about me, not you", but confusingly also came with a lot of listing all my faults, shortcomings, issues and other things about me that she didn't know if she could get over (90% of them more than 5 years old). She said we need to have a 6 month trial separation. This never happened, but I did sleep in our living room.

She met the other man thru her job. He was a client at her accounting business. This next part is a guess- he opened up about his divorce 6 years ago (he is single now), she confided in him that was on her mind and things progressed from there. Like any horny guy, he heaped the attention on her. I don't believe there is anyone else that knows about them. There actual encounters were not many, but I caught wind after reading very sordid and descriptive texts back and forth between them.

The reason I didn't immediately confront her was because of the tenuous position we were in. Just when I was about to bring it up, she just happen to have a conversation with a very good and wise friend of hers that may have led to an epiphany. This friend helped her to see the ultimate impact on the people around her and this along with a couple close calls and the difficulty of keeping her secret led her to start to focus more back on us. By the time I was ready to confront her, it was over.

I gave her the opportunity to rid herself of the guilt without telling her I knew, but she declined. I know she realizes that confessing a previous affair usually only unburdens that confessor, while making it more difficult on the spouse. If I did lay it out for her, she would probably say she didn't say anything because, a) we were "apart" and, b) she didn't want to hurt me. In all 18 years, she has never been deceitful like this even once. I feel like the amount of time that has passed since I saw the proof makes it increasingly difficult to say anything without appearing almost as deceitful as she has been. Currently, things are not normal, but they seem to be heading in that direction.

Thoughts now?
 

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Having been there 13 years ago, I can tell the con for not confronting her is it will continue with many OM. Here I am 13 years later and 20 OM my wife has slept with and I wish I would have confronted her when she had her 1st affair.

Instead I let resentment build, got phisycal with her and just had this unhealthy marraige, until I finally confronted her almost 3 years ago. The R is solid and our marriage is alot healthier now that the both of us have learned the tools to prevent these bad behaviors.


Dude you are making a big mistake in not confronting her and sitting by while her behaviors snowballs into a life style of short 2-8 week affairs to ONS after ONS.


Just like I fixed my anger and no longer push my wife, my wife has fixed her behavior and no longer sleeps around. Its working great now that I finally confronted her and we both....as individuals took the step to fix ours selves.


In short....do not go dawn the same road I did, life is to short. Your marriage can be stronger then this. Both of you just have to do the heavy lifting in it. Just like she has to do the heavy lifting in affair proofing the marriage.

OPEN THIS CAN OF WORM WIDE OPEN and learn and understand.


My bigest regret in life is not confronting my wife's 1st affair, 13 years ago.
 

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Other than saying, 'just kidding, she never cheated on me' the details are not gonna change the advice.

If you want to go foward with a healthy marriage, she needs to know that you know.

She needs to know the pain it caused you.

It doesn't matter that you've waited. Explain why you kept your mouth shut and then explain why you changed your mind.

Stop assuming that you know what her responses will be or why she behaved the way she did. JUST ASK HER.

By the way, you need to give her consequences, how are you going to do that without letting her know why? .

If you haven't spoken to her How do you know it is over? Are you 100% sure?

What is stopping you from giving her consequences for breaking her vows? What are you afraid of?

I hope you realize that if she gets away with this, she'll do it again.

Stop trying to avoid the confrontation. Man up
 

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Back in the day being young and dumb it was easier to let my wife do what she wanted. It took away the guilt of the criminal things I did to her.

Back in the day she did her thing and I did mine. we continued to hook up making sure I got first dips and not sloppy seconds. Went on vacations and had great times.

But now if I could have done thing different I would have confronted her and faced this crap head on, cuz it not only hurt me but it hurt my wife knowing I didn't give a damb about her or the marriage....I

That when it start to snow ball, my chick self esteem not only got beat down by me and not confronting her the 1st time, but by being used by strange after strange, until finally she just took anything that said a few sweet words and went off with them into the night.

A behavior that was generated into a very dangerous lifestyle for her.

CONFRONT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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I am not perfect, but have never cheated in any way.Thoughts now?
Dude...not perfect....I used to hit my wife!

What I did was criminal!

The point is no matter what, you are setting your self up. She will continue with this behavior.....mine did!

Trust me brother its not worth it. I have freaken been there!!!

You may not see the train wreck coming but I can tell you its coming. It may as well be now so the rest of the marriage can be a hell of alot healthier as you guy get older and the kids move out...there is so much infront of the both of you.

Please do not sweep this under the rug. I did and it sucked.:mad::mad:
 

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If she thinks that she can have some flings and get back back to the marriage without any problem when they end, what is stopping her having more in the future ?


Are you sure on how this affair ended ? maybe she was dumped ? When did you find out about the affair ? Did she get tested for STD's ? You might having one yourself if you haven't
 

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If you want a marriage based on honesty, you should talk about it. If you are ok with secrets on both sides, be prepared it may happen again.
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Discussion Starter #16
Yes, I am getting the picture.

If everything had been going along normally in our lives & then I discovered an affair I would have very loudly and sternly confronted her. However, in her mind we were "separated". Even though I never left the house, we were separated because she said so and because I was sleeping on the couch. She said (not in these exact words) "you do what you want & I'll do what I want". In her mind she was opening the door and justifying an affair. She said she "thought about" having an affair. But just as quickly she said she absolutely would tell me first if she was going to see somebody.

So where do you draw the line? Don't people who are separated sleep with other people? I don't know- this is all new for me. So how can I demand consequences for something that is commonly accepted under the circumstances?
 

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Why are you so scared of her ? Why is she so in control that you are scared to confront her ? Would she accept a similar argument from you ?

Have you even considered the possibility that her separation talk happened only after she started the relationship with this guy ?

What was the OM? Do you know his identity ?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Also, since I don't have a hard copy of the evidence, I fear she would deny it and say I misinterpreted conversation that was just of a sexual nature- that they "played" or "joked" back and forth about sexual stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I know the timing- the talk did start before they hooked up.

I don't know the OM, but I do know who he is. If confronted, I believe he would lie for her and say they did not sleep together.
 

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You draw the line with a divorce.

Were you two divorced? If not, she was cheating on you, and you should tell her you know.

Plus, doesn't sound like she is very sorry. Sounds more like "It was an unfortunate mistake and something that happened in my life and I wish to forget about it."
Which is wasn't a mistake, because you don't make a mistake while cheating. If I stab you in the heart, unless I walk around always holding a knife, have the reflexes of a ninja, and you startle me, I have no excuse.
You plan out cheating.

She sounds more like a forgive and forget.

Hell, I bet she probably is just waiting for the opportunity to do it again. She got away with it once. She'll do it again. Humans don't learn until they have to pay for their wrong doing.

Maybe ask for a free pass. Since it sounds like she got one for 2 months and you refuse to do anything about it.
 
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