[janda]

Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my son?

I was married for 7 years but with him for 15 years total. We had a son and he’s 6.
We separated almost 2 years ago and I have been dating someone for 14 months. (neither my son or husband know I am dating)
I am not divorced yet.

My husband is pushing to get back together by asking for marriage counseling.
I left because I was unhappy for numerous reasons but his addiction to weed and refusal to stop was a big reason.
I also fell out of love with him.

Initially I was so happy once I moved out on my own and had my exclusive time with my son.
I was happy that I was no longer with him.

But now, even though I do have my son about half the time, he always wants to be with his dad.
I feel like I am losing my son and miss being a family with my son.
Not having a good relationship with my son and him not wanting to be with me is making me terribly unhappy.

Reconciliation was never a possibility for me before because I knew I did not want to return to him and that unhappiness I had with him. But now, I think it might be the only way I can be happy and resolve what I am missing with my son.

I don’t know what to do.
I want my son and a family.

 

[Hope1964]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

You're chasing a pipe dream.

Your son probably wants to be with dad because dad is high half the time and doesn't care what he does. It's a compliment to your child rearing capabilities that you're the 'bad' parent. Means you're doing stuff right!

Unless your ex has done a complete and total makeover, why do you want to be with him?? You need to be happy on your own. Your son cannot be in your life as much as you would want, but that is part of your reality now. If you go back, you'll be miserable, and you'll be teaching your son that it's OK to be miserable.

'Staying together for the kids' is usually a horrible choice for the kids in the long run.

Go, be happy on your own. Find your own happiness, for YOU. Then you can be a better person all around, and if you want to, be with someone who loves that better person and doesn't make them miserable.

 

[Wazza]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

I was married for 7 years but with him for 15 years total. We had a son and he’s 6.
We separated almost 2 years ago and I have been dating someone for 14 months. (neither my son or husband know I am dating)
I am not divorced yet.

My husband is pushing to get back together by asking for marriage counseling.
I left because I was unhappy for numerous reasons but his addiction to weed and refusal to stop was a big reason.
I also fell out of love with him.

Initially I was so happy once I moved out on my own and had my exclusive time with my son.
I was happy that I was no longer with him.

But now, even though I do have my son about half the time, he always wants to be with his dad.
I feel like I am losing my son and miss being a family with my son.
Not having a good relationship with my son and him not wanting to be with me is making me terribly unhappy.

Reconciliation was never a possibility for me before because I knew I did not want to return to him and that unhappiness I had with him. But now, I think it might be the only way I can be happy and resolve what I am missing with my son.

I don’t know what to do.
I want my son and a family.

I am a 35 year old woman if that matters.

Hey Janda, obviously this is all emotional for you, but let me ask you to be cold and logical for a bit.

What do you believe about marriage? Is it for life or are you ok with divorce?

Where are things going with the guy you are dating? Could it be serious? How are you going to feel breaking it off with him?

Why do you think your son doesn't like you and prefers his Dad? Any insights?

So you know my biases, my wife had an affair many years ago when we had young children, and I stayed married for their sake. My wife and I were able to rebuild a good marriage, which I did not expect when I made the decision to stay. So it can be done. But my wife and I had a lot of share values and complementary aspects to our personalities, that gave us a lot to work with.

I am going to suggest you tell your husband and son you are dating someone else. You can't sustain relationships with lies...it doesn't work.

And I wonder whether you can continue to date the other guy and expect marriage counselling to achieve much.

If you comment on my questions a bit, I'll try and make some more detailed suggestions.

 

[cooljay]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

Don't go back just because of your son, to be plain honest it won't work out and you'll just end up still being unhappy if he refuses to fix things that are causing problems with your marriage. If he is using drugs and is refusing to quit why are you even letting your son around that? If you're not seeing a counselor find one if possible and you'll realize you can make yourself happy. Look into getting custody of your son.

 

[Wazza]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

Unless your ex has done a complete and total makeover, why do you want to be with him?? You need to be happy on your own.

Very important question. Your husband has to change. But also what faults did you have? What do you need to change? And did / do you also use weed?

'Staying together for the kids' is usually a horrible choice for the kids in the long run.

I've seen it work in many cases, including my own. But it requires you both to work at the relationship and deal with the toxic bits.

 

[Hope1964]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

But it requires you to work at the relationship and deal with the toxic bits.

It requires you BOTH to work at it.

 

[Wazza]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

It requires you BOTH to work at it.

Absolutely true...sorry my words were sloppy I have corrected my post.

 

[Hermes]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

I will say this. I used to smoke weed all the time when i first got married. My wife asked me numerous times to stop. i did not. My wife came to me one day and she told me just how upset she was about it. She hated me always being stoned and acting like an addict. I saw just how distraught it made her. I stopped that day. I have never looked back and that was 7 years ago.

If that is the biggest issue, I would tell him that he needs to fix that. If he is unwilling, do not go back. You should not go back just for your kid. As said above, the kid may like dad better because he is relaxed and stoned when they are together. Put an end to that crap. If he can not grow up, he does not deserve you. I know that it meant more to me to be with my wife than to just feel high. The thought of smoking now makes me physically ill.

Look at yourself too. What did you do to contribute to the downfall of the marriage? You both need to work on things. If you really want to be with this man (not just for the child) go to counseling. You need to be 100% committed to it, as well. Also, if you are serious, you need to tell him that you are/were dating someone. You can not move forward without absolute honesty.

Good luck to you.

 

[NoWhere]

Re: Should I return to my husband of 7 years cause I miss being a family & having my

You're chasing a pipe dream.

Your son probably wants to be with dad because dad is high half the time and doesn't care what he does. It's a compliment to your child rearing capabilities that you're the 'bad' parent. Means you're doing stuff right!

Unless your ex has done a complete and total makeover, why do you want to be with him?? You need to be happy on your own. Your son cannot be in your life as much as you would want, but that is part of your reality now. If you go back, you'll be miserable, and you'll be teaching your son that it's OK to be miserable.

'Staying together for the kids' is usually a horrible choice for the kids in the long run.

Go, be happy on your own. Find your own happiness, for YOU. Then you can be a better person all around, and if you want to, be with someone who loves that better person and doesn't make them miserable.

Have to agree with this 100%. When your child grows up if his dad is still just being a general loser he will figure it out and cherish his relationship with you more.

Living with your ex when you don't love him is a recipe for disaster.