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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK here goes! Have been with partner for 16 years and we have 3 kids, but are not married. I recently found out my partner had an affair with one of my friends. I discovered them whilst we were all on holiday with our kids and after the initial explosion of finding out, I slowly began to piece together what was first put to me as just a fling turned into 'i'm in love with him' but I also love you etc. I also found out they had sex while I was upstairs asleep. Since then they have had a meeting to 'call in quits' and then there has been further conversations between them via phone where they have talked about wanting to make it work with their partners. (1 I knew about and also 1 about 4 weeks ago one that I didn't - I found out by checking phone logs and confronted her about it last week). We have been through counselling and we have both said we love each other and want to be together for the kids. I have forgiven her as I had an EA 3 years ago and moved out at that time so understand it's not something people do 'on purpose', since then I have asked her to marry me but we have as many people had good and bad moments, however most of the time it has been good. I am aware that she seemed to be more alive during the affair and looked great etc, so part of me wonders if I should let her be with him. She still says she thinks about him quite a bit and I have started wondering if it would be more sensible to agree that they could see each other again as I think part of her is still in love and will not be able to move on with our relationship until she sees that the affair is not as strong as our relationship - the risk is that she will still feel that she wants to be with him, but even that would be preferable to never being sure if she is staying with me for the right reasons (?!) Anyway I know from my own experience that the love I felt during my affair did not last once I had refocussed on my relationship and I know the No contact rule, but I have a feeling it just makes the feelings more intense? I think the problem being that I am getting worn down by the feeling that she is thinking of him all the time but it's a fantasy and not reality....
 

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diseal,

If you want to make sure your wife leaves you send her to continue the relationship with the OM......
If you want to prove to your wife that you love her and will fight for your marriage, you have to tell her that if she wants any part of the OM that the two of you are finished......
Tell you will do everything possible to be the best husband but only if she is in it only with you......
Look up the affair fog thing and what happens during withdrawal...
A marriage is between two people that love each other, not each other and others.......
NO CONTACT, marriage therapy.....spending time together.
This should be the plan for happiness........
 

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16 years... Sex became an old routine with you? Still desired to continue her PA, the sex they had must have been explosive! She has a need that he can meet. Sex is the main reason for all kinds of affairs. Women tend to seek validations from other men when their husbands are not responsive. Think about it, I'm pretty sure she's tried to give you many hints but you didn't get them.
When she said she's in love, she meant it. She loves you as her family but her sexual desires all go for your friend at this moment. Yes, she loves you, but she's not in love with you. She would stay with you only because she loves you as her family and because of kids.
Men and women are different. Men can simply get laid with a female without remembering her name. For women, when she wants to see that guy again and again, she's in love. Fantasies are unreal until being put into actions. Now her fantasies are real and her sex dreams have come true. The risk is too high.
If you let her see him, you will lose her forever. So, don't, meantime, you want to look good and attractive. You have to prove yourself to her that you're a better guy for her to fantasize and to dream. If she still wants to make love with you, tell her you would do everything to make her happy.
So at least you give her hope that things she doesn't like can be changed.
To make her stay with you, don't use kids as a bet, your bets should be your charms and loving support. Your biggest bet is she can't find a better man expect you!
 

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Sex was good - this was more about the way he made her feel I think - more fun!
There's a lot to that statement. As you well know from your own EA, the chase, the excitement of something new, something taboo is very motivating.
What I have done for the past year or so is direct the chase towards my wife. Go out on a date, do something risky, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Have done more fun stuff - not easy with 3 kids - I'm still questioning the real no go area of not letting her have contact with him - simply put if she still feels like she would rather be somewhere else then let her go? Life is short and I don't agree with the control aspect of the NC - kind of makes it up to her then?
 

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I can understand your desire to be reasonable but I think allowing her to see him would be disaster. If there are no consequences for her actions what will make those actions stop?

In your shoes I would say it is one or the other, and then live with the consequences.
 

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Instead of letting her see him, I will advise going the other way. In my mind, the fact that she still has contact with him at all is what is keeping your relationship from moving forward. She must go through a "withdrawal" period before she can really move forward. Both of you need to discontinue contact with the other man if you want your relationship to survive.
 

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I can understand your desire to be reasonable but I think allowing her to see him would be disaster. If there are no consequences for her actions what will make those actions stop?

In your shoes I would say it is one or the other, and then live with the consequences.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

You'd be out of your mind to let her contact this so-called friend ever again. You can't control her behavior, but why enable it?
 

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I'm wondering about your perspective on this: It seems like you are giving up your own needs on the surface, which is really a way to control her.

Basically your logic is, I'm not getting my needs met, so if I allow her to be with other man maybe she'll run out of interest in him, then come back to me and meet my needs.

It's a surreptitious route. Why not, instead, state your needs:

"Wife, my needs aren't been met in these ways. You seem half in and half out of the relationship. This is what I want: x, y and z." Then give her a chance to step up.

That would mean you'd need to define what you want, and what you expect out of a relationship to be willing to stay in it.
 

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diseal,

If you want to make sure your wife leaves you send her to continue the relationship with the OM......
If you want to prove to your wife that you love her and will fight for your marriage, you have to tell her that if she wants any part of the OM that the two of you are finished......
Tell you will do everything possible to be the best husband but only if she is in it only with you......
Look up the affair fog thing and what happens during withdrawal...
A marriage is between two people that love each other, not each other and others.......
NO CONTACT, marriage therapy.....spending time together.
This should be the plan for happiness........
Very true! I can't agree more! Just one thing I'd like to add. Be playful, fun and unpredictale in bed. When sex gets old, she wants something new.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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16 years... Sex became an old routine with you? Still desired to continue her PA, the sex they had must have been explosive! She has a need that he can meet. Sex is the main reason for all kinds of affairs. Women tend to seek validations from other men when their husbands are not responsive. Think about it, I'm pretty sure she's tried to give you many hints but you didn't get them.
When she said she's in love, she meant it. She loves you as her family but her sexual desires all go for your friend at this moment. Yes, she loves you, but she's not in love with you. She would stay with you only because she loves you as her family and because of kids.
Men and women are different. Men can simply get laid with a female without remembering her name. For women, when she wants to see that guy again and again, she's in love. Fantasies are unreal until being put into actions. Now her fantasies are real and her sex dreams have come true. The risk is too high.
If you let her see him, you will lose her forever. So, don't, meantime, you want to look good and attractive. You have to prove yourself to her that you're a better guy for her to fantasize and to dream. If she still wants to make love with you, tell her you would do everything to make her happy.
So at least you give her hope that things she doesn't like can be changed.
To make her stay with you, don't use kids as a bet, your bets should be your charms and loving support. Your biggest bet is she can't find a better man expect you!
''.........Still desired to continue her PA, the sex they had must have been explosive! She has a need that he can meet.. "

I agree & that is why he should not stay with a woman who is in love with his friend & fantasizes about him . I think staying with her is more of a risk , he wouldn't know when his partner is having fun with her lover becasue she is in love with him .
 
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