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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am so glad to have found this place, as I am in desperate need of help.

I've been with the same woman for 4 years, we don't have any kids. We've been a pretty good couple, for at least 3.5 of those years, we had a few arguments here and there, mostly about money and family, only real serious fight was when she admitted to trying cocaine once and she didn't make it clear if she was going to keep doing it or not. (I didn't want to live my life with a drug addict.) Those things we got past and for 3.5 years we did pretty good.

It wasn't really until last January that problems started arising. She graduated from her course last summer and was hopeful to find a job. She did a couple of freelance projects, but still hasn't found a real job for a year. We got into a fight because the possibility that she wanted to move away to find work.
(The job market in her field was bad around here.) It escalated quite a bit and I broke a plate (It hurt to think she felt it easy to move away and have some long distance thing.). Several days later she came home late at 4:30 in the morning after going out with some "friends" I sat next to her while she was texting someone after we woke up, I peered over and she quickly hid the phone and said it was none of my business, I immediately assumed the worst and became very silent. She told me it was just a guy friend and she didn't tell me because she knew I'd get upset. I got into her facebook later and found a convo between her and this guy. She wrote the words: "My fiancee dosen't know about you." (he also wrote:"Just tell him i'm gay.") Those words ignited a torrent of fightning in which we separated, I broke a bunch of stuff and felt I was definetly really hurt. We talked a little during the week, she told me that she figured that we were splitting up for good after this, and that she never cheated on me, that guy and her when to a second cup after the bar closed to talk, and they actually held hands and that was it. To this day, I lean towards believing this story, but I still have my doubts, especially about the wording of the facebook convo.

During the time we were "separated" her and a lover from the past had cyber sex. When that guy wouldn't go to see her for a date, she went vindictive and sabotaged the relationship that that guy had with his girlfirend. She also when on a date with this "man from the bar" and she said the date was terrible, and that they had made out a little and that it was bad (I learned this later though.) I had planned a date when she came back for her, because I started to feel like ths was my last chance to salvage this thing. So we had a really good date and she said that she really badly wanted to be with me, sio we got back together, but I was being diligent and kept a watchful eye. She may have not cheated on me, but she was hiding things and had at least an emotional relationship with this person for a short while.

Fast forward to september 4th. One day I came back home after being gone for 4 days from a work trip. She was very odd and we got into a fight, she complained about her terrible job she has to do (job not in her field.) and that while I was gone she got into a fight with a co-worker and she might lose her job, about how she wasted so much time and is in debt for school for nothing, the only reason she was here, was because of me, that she miserable, she dosen't think we can continue on, etc, etc.

She was usually very happy to see me back home, after a few days. This was totally different. I got worried and stalked her facebook. Found a convo between her and one of her "friends" (These friends are girls, btw and they always mess with our relationship.) They mentioned the crazy 3-some that they did last night. I confronted my fiancee about this at her work. I asked her if anything happened that night, she said that her friend had sex with this guy. I asked and she left you alone at the bar? She said well....no. She said she watched them have sex. And I said "you only watched them?". Finally the truth came out. She admitted to it. I told her father and brother about it. Unlike last time, I kept very calm. Nothing was broken, and we talked... She said the whole "I'm very sorry, I didn't do it to hurt you." thing. She was apparently miserable that day because someone said they were going to have her fired and she was really drunk, lonely while I was gone, and she just kind of gave in to it happening.

The next few days were awkward, we needed to get the daily things done, like groceries and house cleaning. We always did those things together and they needed to get done that day. I was unsure about how I felt about her. I knew she was experiencing some problems over the last year, unfortunetly they come at my expence. I demanded that we seek counciling, to which she agreed. She even agrees to allow to have a 3-some with her and another girl to "make up" for it.

I am still unsure if I should be with her or if I'm just screwing myself. I feel right now she genually cares and wants to make this work. But sometime I feel she wants something else and she is just "settling" for me.
 

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Your fiancee has some serious issues to overcome before you should even think about marrying her. She's experimented with cocaine, cheated on you with as assortment of men, and participated in a menage a trois. In addition, she resents you for making her stick around in a town where she's not able to find a job in the field that she trained for.

You also have some anger issues to work through. While breaking plates is better than breaking your fiancee's face, it does show a level of immaturity on your part. My question is this: why would you want to marry this person? I can see nothing good coming from this union.

My advice:

RUN LIKE FORREST GUMP AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I agree that I have a few anger issues to deal with. As to why I should be with her, (I should really mention this.):

For 3.5 years we really "got" each other, we even say the same thing at the same time incredibly often. We have the same interests, and we have always connected together very well. In a way that is hard to come by

To be quite honest our sex is scalding hot. I have never been with someone so fufilling sexually and feel that I may never be able to again.

I feel she does generally care about me, but she seems to have issues to work out. I think she might be a bit of an excitement/attention junkie when she feels bad about herself, counsiling may help.

Thing were so great for a while, but things just got bad this year. We have made plans to move in two years, it's just that her life is pretty misable unfortunetly right now.
 

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I hope you see and realize that she is putting 0% effort into the relationship. She loves you so much that she hops into bed with a guy and girl for a threesome.

She is far too immature and self centered to be considered by anyone be married to.

You sound like someone who knows what they want in life, and is productively working towards it. You also sound mature.

She on the other hand, is hiding her phone, keeping secrets, and screwing around. She's lying to you, and frankly not acting with a shred of love or respect for you.

My advice - move along. There are much better women out there, you just need to stop wasting time on this one.

She doesn't value you, she doesn't value the relationship. her actions show this in detail.

Honestly, the issue here isn't that she's settling for you - It's that YOU are settling for HER.
 

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I agree that I have a few anger issues to deal with. As to why I should be with her, (I should really mention this.):

For 3.5 years we really "got" each other, we even say the same thing at the same time incredibly often. We have the same interests, and we have always connected together very well. In a way that is hard to come by

To be quite honest our sex is scalding hot. I have never been with someone so fufilling sexually and feel that I may never be able to again.

Thing were so great for a while, but things just got bad this year. We have made plans to move in two years, it's just that her life is pretty misable unfortunetly right now.

Counciling may help tremendously,
NO counseling won't fix this. Counseling teaches people how to talk to one another, and to listen. That's not your problem here. She's out seeking other relationships, and is putting no effort into you. That's the problem. You are not a priority to her.
 

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Oh my God. Excuse me but yours is a post that makes me shout
RAHHHHHHHHHH!

She does drugs, she cheats on you, she wants to make it all better by you cheating on her and... and...
"I'm very sorry, I didn't do it to hurt you."
:wtf:

Really? She said that? As if that makes it OK?

You need to ask her exactly how many times she has cheated on you, before you even think about counselling, in my opinion.
 

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Agreed, ask how many other times there have been... I'm sure she didn't meant to hurt you with any of them either.

Get checked for stds.

If you are having issues like this now- do not marry her. Marriage will not make it better.

Good luck
WD
 

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Agreed, ask how many other times there have been... I'm sure she didn't meant to hurt you with any of them either.

Get checked for stds.

If you are having issues like this now- do not marry her. Marriage will not make it better.

Good luck
WD
:iagree:
stds. Yes. ASAP.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Yeah, we actually have very good lines of communication and I know that this was the only time it had happened. This is because I really looked into everything. She only had a cell for the last year and I looked into that and I've seen every fb message she ever wrote since we've been together and everything I wrote in this thread is everything. I even did try some lie detection techniques and had her describe what happened in january and I couldn't see any lies. (but i'm no expert or anything.)

Is it really only worth forgiving someone if your married to them?

She has tried alot to be thoughtful of me and buy things for me and do what she can to make this work, I really can't think of anything else she can do to prove herself.

Any ideas on how she could possibly prove herself, (just to play devil's advocate.)

EDIT: She also said she would never see the friends that screw with our relationship ever again.
 

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Don't get married any time soon!!! You said you don't want kids and considering what your girlfriend has done, save yourself the heartache/money and don't. Just enjoy the sex....thats whats seems to be the most important part of your relationship with her that you value.

Her giving you a 3-way as compensation just rewards the cheater, plus its not equal. It should be you and two other women without her....cause she wasn't with you so why does she get to be rewarded with more sex.
 

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To be quite honest our sex is scalding hot. I have never been with someone so fufilling sexually and feel that I may never be able to again.
Have you ever had sex with a certain actress whose last name is Beckinsale? Not that I think you have a chance in hell but I wanted to point out that your girlfriend is not the only hot woman in the world. I'm sure there's someone out there waiting to rock your world without cheating on you and doing blow.
 

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OK, you asked an was answered.
It seem nothing anyone say is what you want to hear.

So I will say this. Use this as a way for you BOTH to grow.
BUT,,, before you invest in MC, ask her to take a polygraph.

Coming in at 4 am, an then keeping in contact with her hookup partner, ready to deceive you he was gay if you hadn't jumped the gun.

Now, she is NOT happy with not being able to work in her field an blame you.
She cheats with some bar fly.
Her friends interfere in the relationship.
She cheats again in a 3some.

What is there beside hot sex, an finishjing each other sentences??
Why didn't you offer to move where she can work in her field ??
Yes this can possible be saved. BUT it will take a LOT of HARD work.
But if she is still unhappy not working in her field, this will be a thorn in your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Don't get married any time soon!!! You said you don't want kids and considering what your girlfriend has done, save yourself the heartache/money and don't. Just enjoy the sex....thats whats seems to be the most important part of your relationship with her that you value.

Her giving you a 3-way as compensation just rewards the cheater, plus its not equal. It should be you and two other women without her....cause she wasn't with you so why does she get to be rewarded with more sex.
To be fair I requested it. (the 3 some and specifically her and another girl.)
 

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Don't see a good future based on her attitude/behavior. If for some reason you decide to move fwd w her be sure to insist on an air tight prenup or you will not have a pot to piss in ten yrs from now
 

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Ummm, my friend from across the big pond, Rah actually signifies something good on this side. I'll drop the 'R' so that it translates well in the states:

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RAH! means something good, here, too. RAHHHHHHH! not so good.

However, thanks for the tip. My wordless yell clearly needs some work doing to it.:smthumbup::D
 

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Discussion Starter #19
OK, you asked an was answered.
It seem nothing anyone say is what you want to hear.

So I will say this. Use this as a way for you BOTH to grow.
BUT,,, before you invest in MC, ask her to take a polygraph.

Coming in at 4 am, an then keeping in contact with her hookup partner, ready to deceive you he was gay if you hadn't jumped the gun.

Now, she is NOT happy with not being able to work in her field an blame you.
She cheats with some bar fly.
Her friends interfere in the relationship.
She cheats again in a 3some.

What is there beside hot sex, an finishjing each other sentences??
Why didn't you offer to move where she can work in her field ??
Yes this can possible be saved. BUT it will take a LOT of HARD work.
But if she is still unhappy not working in her field, this will be a thorn in your relationship.
It's not that I don't value people's opinions, but I want something more comprehensive. I should have called this "What should I do." in the title instead.

I don't want a bunch of one-sided arguments i guess. If I just talked about the "bad" then of course everyone, would say run.

She had a Emotional relationship the first time, (I talked to her about it again just earlier. She explained everything again and there was nothing physical.)

Her friends will not be a factor, since those particular people will be out of the picture.

The blow dosen't really bother me, it was the potential for continuous usage that got me, but that was a one-time thing.

I asked her to be fully transparent just now, if we were to stay together, thus she shows me her cell, e-mail and fb accounts on request and i'll do the same (I have nothing to hide.)
 

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It's not that I don't value people's opinions, but I want something more comprehensive. I should have called this "What should I do." in the title instead.

I don't want a bunch of one-sided arguments i guess. If I just talked about the "bad" then of course everyone, would say run.

She had a Emotional relationship the first time, (I talked to her about it again just earlier. She explained everything again and there was nothing physical.)

Her friends will not be a factor, since those particular people will be out of the picture.

The blow dosen't really bother me, it was the potential for continuous usage that got me, but that was a one-time thing.

I asked her to be fully transparent just now, if we were to stay together, thus she shows me her cell, e-mail and fb accounts on request and i'll do the same (I have nothing to hide.)
She had a threesome and thinks it will be a good idea for you to have a threesome?

That's not a good idea. It can cause all kinds of stuff in a relationship, so even if you do reconcile, say no to that idea. And open marriages rarely work.
 
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