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She's not willing to do what you ask, which is to be honest. Therefore, there's little hope for any healing. You can't heal a wound properly when you don't know the full extent of it.

So either : you end it and move on, or you stay and accept the crumbs you get.
 
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You need to know what you need to know, and any unwillingness on your wife's part to be forthcoming w/ details should be viewed suspiciously, as it isn't at all indicative of either a remorseful wayward or that the affair has actually ended.
 

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I don't think sexual oneness has anything to do with this. Actually, it mostly the opposite. We were always together, and we always were honest about everything. Her affair happened almost a year after we quit those things, because SHE didn't want anymore, because we were not getting along at home.
So the key factor, is that we were not getting along.
Btw, I don't know what "the affair is underground" means... :frown2:
An affair that has "gone underground" is an affair that is ongoing (i.e. hasn't ended), though w/ a greater degree of discretion that had previously been observed.
 
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Well, mmm... yeah, ok. I know your story from another site, and I know you're not being very honest with the posters here. As I recall, you convinced your wife, who has never really been very interested in sex, to follow you into the swinging lifestyle at first. Then you developed cuckold fantasies and pestered your wife until she finally agreed to please you and take a boyfriend. After a while you noticed you had marriage problems and asked her to stop seeing the guy, but she had developed feelings for him and later began seeing him in secret. And that's the affair. Is this right, did I remember it right?

Yeah, OK, she did cheat, she didn't respect the rules you had as a couple, but, man... a lot of what happened is on you...

Substantially, you married this woman, who probably just wanted a standard marriage and an average sexual life, and messed with her head and her sexuality, and now you are outraged with the results. Frankly, I'm under the impression that if there's an abusive partner in this relationship, it's you, not her.

Even your list of questions... Half of those seem designed to continue feeding your cuckold fantasy more than to help you heal... Looks like you didn't learn anything from this...

Sorry, I won't ask you what you are doing still with her, but what is she doing still with you...
 

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My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.
Refret143...not know is eating away at you. You are between a rock and hard place. Further, your W is minimizing, trickle truthing, rug sweeping and generally does not care about your feelings in the matter.

To assist in waking up your WW to the reality of the situation deliver D papers and provide your WW with answers to why you are D so it does not eat her up inside. Enough is enough.
 

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Well, mmm... yeah, ok. I know your story from another site, and I know you're not being very honest with the posters here. As I recall, you convinced your wife, who has never really been very interested in sex, to follow you into the swinging lifestyle at first. Then you developed cuckold fantasies and pestered your wife until she finally agreed to please you and take a boyfriend. After a while you noticed you had marriage problems and asked her to stop seeing the guy, but she had developed feelings for him and later began seeing him in secret. And that's the affair. Is this right, did I remember it right?

Yeah, OK, she did cheat, she didn't respect the rules you had as a couple, but, man... a lot of what happened is on you...

Substantially, you married this woman, who probably just wanted a standard marriage and an average sexual life, and messed with her head and her sexuality, and now you are outraged with the results. Frankly, I'm under the impression that if there's an abusive partner in this relationship, it's you, not her.

Even your list of questions... Half of those seem designed to continue feeding your cuckold fantasy more than to help you heal... Looks like you didn't learn anything from this...

Sorry, I won't ask you what you are doing still with her, but what is she doing still with you...
Goodness...what a brew for disaster.
 

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Well, mmm... yeah, ok. I know your story from another site, and I know you're not being very honest with the posters here. As I recall, you convinced your wife, who has never really been very interested in sex, to follow you into the swinging lifestyle at first. Then you developed cuckold fantasies and pestered your wife until she finally agreed to please you and take a boyfriend. After a while you noticed you had marriage problems and asked her to stop seeing the guy, but she had developed feelings for him and later began seeing him in secret. And that's the affair. Is this right, did I remember it right?

Yeah, OK, she did cheat, she didn't respect the rules you had as a couple, but, man... a lot of what happened is on you...

Substantially, you married this woman, who probably just wanted a standard marriage and an average sexual life, and messed with her head and her sexuality, and now you are outraged with the results. Frankly, I'm under the impression that if there's an abusive partner in this relationship, it's you, not her.

Even your list of questions... Half of those seem designed to continue feeding your cuckold fantasy more than to help you heal... Looks like you didn't learn anything from this...

Sorry, I won't ask you what you are doing still with her, but what is she doing still with you...
OP,
If this is the case then you have been playing with fire. Now you are burnt. You must fix yourself before any of this is going away. A marriage is a marriage. A swinging, boyfriend, cuckold lifestyle is a swinging, boyfriend, cuckold lifestyle. You must determine which you want and which you can live without. Inevitably they are as oil and water and almost never mix together long term. Choose one and then pursue that with earnest but do not expect all the "benefits" of both with none of the consequences of either.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Well, mmm... yeah, ok. I know your story from another site, and I know you're not being very honest with the posters here. As I recall, you convinced your wife, who has never really been very interested in sex, to follow you into the swinging lifestyle at first. Then you developed cuckold fantasies and pestered your wife until she finally agreed to please you and take a boyfriend. After a while you noticed you had marriage problems and asked her to stop seeing the guy, but she had developed feelings for him and later began seeing him in secret. And that's the affair. Is this right, did I remember it right?

Yeah, OK, she did cheat, she didn't respect the rules you had as a couple, but, man... a lot of what happened is on you...

Substantially, you married this woman, who probably just wanted a standard marriage and an average sexual life, and messed with her head and her sexuality, and now you are outraged with the results. Frankly, I'm under the impression that if there's an abusive partner in this relationship, it's you, not her.

Even your list of questions... Half of those seem designed to continue feeding your cuckold fantasy more than to help you heal... Looks like you didn't learn anything from this...

Sorry, I won't ask you what you are doing still with her, but what is she doing still with you...
As some people from the other site, you got it all twisted. We did have sexual openness, but we also mutually agreed to stop. And then everything happened.
I only found out after her affair that she didnt enjoy sex. and it is basically bc she can't orgasm (and I'm trying to help her on this now).
FYI, she never even wanted a standard marriage, she always wanted "a life partner, whose bond is stronger than a piece of paper". She is very "alternative" her self too.

And as I told in the other website, If you are not here to be constructive, silence is gold.

Thank you.
 

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Regret

Think about what you just said.

"She does not like sex."

"She always wanted a life partner."

Then why did she have an affair?

I think your view of your wife is a little skewed.

Does "alternative" include lying & cheating? That is what you need to get your wife to think about.

HM
 

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She has refused to answer my questions. And when she does, she tries to do it at the bare minimum. She won't lie, but she will give the shortest answer possible. It is like she is trying to just "check mark" the question as "answered", instead of fulfilling my curiosity.
If she won't answer your questions as completely and transparently as you need, she's not really reconciling with you.

I suspect she's the same on other matters of the reconciliation, such as expressing guilt, seeking forgiveness, working on the relationship...

Looking for check marks there, too?
 

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Regret

Think about what you just said.

"She does not like sex."
It is a medical condition, called Anorgasmia.

"She always wanted a life partner."
As opposed to a traditional marriage. The quote alone out of the context is misleading.

Then why did she have an affair?
According to her, we were fighting so much, she needed someone's affection and care.

I think your view of your wife is a little skewed.

Does "alternative" include lying & cheating? That is what you need to get your wife to think about.

HM
There is exactly where my problem lies.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
Having the complete picture of the situation helps in being constructive.
Yes, but there are a few people that have been choosing to just bash me for the way I choose to live my life.
I bet those are the people that are also against gay marriage...
 

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Yes, but there are a few people that have been choosing to just bash me for the way I choose to live my life.
I bet those are the people that are also against gay marriage...
I don't care about your lifestyle. If you both agreed to it and it works, I don't care.

What I'm trying to reconcile is your wife not liking sex, yet wanting an open lifestyle, and having sex with another guy.

These things don't go together. It's like saying I cheated on my diet by eating food I hate.
 

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If she won't answer your questions as completely and transparently as you need, she's not really reconciling with you.

I suspect she's the same on other matters of the reconciliation, such as expressing guilt, seeking forgiveness, working on the relationship...

Looking for check marks there, too?
Strangely, she does a lot on seek forgiveness and work on the relationship. She completely changed, for better, in many things. She doesn't fight with me over house chores anymore, she is working really hard on the sex part, which was a big issue for me, she does nice things for me, suprises, presents, run my errands, etc...
Everything done right. Except answering my questions.
I do love her very much, and I am loving her more again. But I think I will never be in total peace without the answers.
I think is just painful to look back at everything, and she wants to avoid it.
 

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Discussion Starter #36
I don't care about your lifestyle. If you both agreed to it and it works, I don't care.

What I'm trying to reconcile is your wife not liking sex, yet wanting an open lifestyle, and having sex with another guy.

These things don't go together. It's like saying I cheated on my diet by eating food I hate.
I get it.

It's not disliking. It's just not liking. But, it's very rewarding, because it makes people want you and care for you. And she really likes those emotional rewards (for her) that sex cause on other people.
 

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Yes, but there are a few people that have been choosing to just bash me for the way I choose to live my life.
I bet those are the people that are also against gay marriage...
One must learn to accept criticism as part of life.

You are assuming to much concerning gay marriage and who are against it.
 
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OP,
As this thread unfolds it is becoming apparent that we do not have sufficient information to offer what you consider to be constructive advice. You have engaged in an "open marriage", an oxymoron in my opinion but I digress. You then decided, mutually, to cease that pursuit. Was her feelings for her prior "boyfriend" brought up during the discussion? You indicated that she is not "conventional" in her thinking regarding relationships and desired a "life partner" with stronger bonds than a piece of paper could imply. Did you coerce her into the "open marriage" lifestyle? If so, then perhaps she no longer viewed/views you as "life partner" material. If you did not, then I am at a loss to understand how a "life partnership" that involves deceit and betrayal is stronger than marital vows.

It seems to me that this situation is about two people who really have no idea what they want from a relationship. It appears chaotic and haphazard both in form and function. You took vows and then made rules allowing the breaking of certain aspects of those vows under certain conditions. After a time, and apparently the formation of a bond between your W and her "boyfriend", you two rescinded those rules and reapplied the constraints of the original vows? Or initiated new rules governing what portions of the vows could be ignored? It seems to me that in order for this relationship to work there must be drafted a detailed set of edicts that must be strictly adhered to and cannot be changed without convening a life partnership council consisting of the two originating members of this union.

Does this not all sound very complicated and convoluted? Here is a suggestion I offer, believing it to be constructive to a solid, mature, monogamous relationship. Restate to one another your vows of marriage, without any caveats, pledging to each other your complete and unwavering loyalty, dedication, honesty and commitment. Do not introduce any exceptions, exemptions, exclusions, deletions or rules that would alter, in any way, your original vows. Strictly adhere to this new affirmation henceforth and let nothing dissuade your resolve to one another. That is the best I can offer.
 

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I get it.

It's not disliking. It's just not liking. But, it's very rewarding, because it makes people want you and care for you. And she really likes those emotional rewards (for her) that sex cause on other people.
Again, I don't care.

What I do care about is the fact that she cheated on you, and you are in a false reconciliation.

Please tell me that in every other way she's expressed regret about what she has done, sought forgiveness, and is bending over backwards trying to make things right...

I suspect she isn't.
 

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It appears this is a story with many facets and the information has been provided in fragments. People are responding based on what fragments they have read which skews the responses. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the information provided is inadequate to any meaningful advice or dialogue.
 
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