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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been together for four years to the date. We got married back in the early summer and haven't even been married a year.

Today, I find that I've lost interest in my wife. Right before we were to wed, she became pregnant and lost the child. Ever since then, its been a complete struggle for both of us. I'm 23 and my wife is 26. I didn't want the child initially, but I would have manned up and taken on the job. That being said, it didn't come to reality. It's been well over a year now since the miscarriage happened and we haven't really felt the same about each other.

Her want for a child is so bad, it's almost unbearable. I want to wait, but she thinks it should be right now. Right after the miscarriage, I felt as though things would be better. We went ahead with the wedding and she PROMISED me that we could wait to have kids. The promise has most assuredly been broken. Trust me, I want kids and I love them to death, but I want to live a little before making a HUGE commitment. Plus, I want to be financially ready.

The only reason she wants to have sex is to procreate. Regular, passionate, unadulterated sex is no longer in the works. We argue all the time about it.

I'm a little on edge about separating. She gave me HPV. That's probably the number one reason I haven't left her yet. I don't know if there is anyone else out there for me. I think that's another part of the reason we went through our marriage with the sense of doubt hanging over our heads that we might not find another person if we didn't follow through. (She won't admit it, but it's true)

I want to be honest with her, but I don't know how to go about telling her or even begin discussing it. She is working full-time and going to grad school full time so I know she has an elevated stress level, but I don't think it's going to make a difference once she's done.


We don't own a house and don't have any kids together. Our possessions are slim so there really isn't much to split up. I'm trying to decide if I jump ship now, will it be better in the long run than having kids and buying a house together only to have that stuff split up?

Please Please Please I need an unbiased opinion!
 

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I fyou really feel this way, it may be better to split now but do you still love her? If she truly agreed to wait for kids would you reconsider?

If yes, you need to talk with her now and get into marriage counseling.

If you don't want to be trapped, you'd better be wearing condoms!
 

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I may not be very helpful in the relationship department, but I can offer info on the HPV. It is the single most common STD, and facts and figures support that over 85% of the population has had it or will have it at some point in their lives. Most strains disappear in men after 18 months or so. You can get vaccinated in order to prevent contracting other strains in the future, or re-contracting the same strain from her again.

I wouldn't let it make you feel like you're stuck with her as a partner because of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi,

I know we need to talk, but I got home from a 5 day business trip and we only spoke a few words to each other. About the condoms, that won't help with HPV. The next person I meet, I'm going to be honest with them. Fortunately for females, there is Gardasil to protect against HPV. That would be a hard one to sell though. "Hey, go get inoculated with this shot so you don't catch what I have!"

I fyou really feel this way, it may be better to split now but do you still love her? If she truly agreed to wait for kids would you reconsider?

If yes, you need to talk with her now and get into marriage counseling.

If you don't want to be trapped, you'd better be wearing condoms!
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I mentioned condoms so you don't get her pregnant if you're not planning on sticking around

Also, guardasil must be administered by a certain age I believe or before a wonam becones sexually active
 

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HPV is in 85% of the population. How did you know you have it? They don't have a test for men.

I had it once on a test. A long time ago. It hasn't shown up since.
 

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This post is really familiar. I remember the weird "no point leaving, I'll never get anyone else because I've been exposed to HPV" theme.
 

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HPV is so common it's unlikely you'll run into another woman who hasn't had it. It can be cleared up in women, don't know about men. Now GYNs do Pap tests AND HPV tests routine. Once you've had HPV and treat it, you can get it back. It's very common and only poses a threat if left untreated in women who are predisposed, who have that genetic mutation that turns a particular virus into cancer. We know women with cervical and now uterine cancer have/had HPV, but not all women with HPV get cancer.

HPV is not the threat you think it is. Knowing the risks and regular health care make is as simple as a cold.

Secondly, everyone responds to grief differently and you really sound as if you are mourning the loss of "potential parenthood" by focusing on the stresses of becoming a parent. While your reasons to wait are valid, I don't think you are recognizing that other pele mourn a miscarriage by desperately seeking to replace that lost child/opportunity to be a parent with another pregnancy. You both a right and need to understand grief evolves over time and eventually you both could be on the same page. But only if you are honest with each other and work together.

Lastly, you are awfully young to be starting a family. Maybe your wife is ready but it seems clear that you never were and followed through because you had already been committed to your wife. You said you didn't really want to be a parent, you just wanted to be a husband. Now is the time to man up because you are a husband. You two will face many more challenges and may see the way through very differently. Wanting to leave is the same as avoiding the challenge of coming back together. A miscarriage can take a long time to heal from, emotionally. Keep it covered until you are fully committed. Work to become fully committed. Be a man and insist your wife accompany you to marriage counseling because you are not going to start a family, when you feel so unready, just to help her with grief and bereavement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
HPV is in 85% of the population. How did you know you have it? They don't have a test for men.

I had it once on a test. A long time ago. It hasn't shown up since.
I've had a breakout in the past. Just recently had another. It's quite depressing to see the virus is still very much active.
As for an update, I've always let my wife run over me when it came to her emotions. I finally let her have it and let her know how I felt about it. She hasn't said much to me but she's all of the sudden tried to love on me, not sexually, but more of trying to be close to me.

I don't know if this is a last ditch effort to throw me on a guilt trip? Is she starting to realize she might lose me?
She says I've changed a lot in the past few months. Says I'm not romantic like I used to be.
It's hard to be romantic when like I said before, the only reason she would want to have sex is to procreate and I don't want that. (Not Yet)
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I don't think it's that uncommon for women to want a baby so bad that sex becomes a function of that instead of pleasure.

You see it on movies where the woman knows her ovulation schedule and is practically throwing her man in the sack accordingly.

Add in that she had a miscarriage and she is probably scared and wondering if there is something wrong with her.
Wondering if she will ever be able to have one,etc...

Factor. In that she feels you are less romantic (maybe she feels you are less interested?) and it may add up that she is going thru some serious questioning of her self worth.

I don't know about the other problems, but she may need you now more than ever.

Just sayin my piece. I sure as hell am not an expert
 

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Again, if you don't want to have kids with here (by hook or by crook) wear a condom when the two of you are intimate! Do not let her talk you out of it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
UPDATE:

Still some bickering back and forth. Very easily agitated with each other. For example, she came up to me today and touched my back with her cold fingers. I jumped! She took offense and got mad like I didn't want her to touch me. I just thought that was completely ridiculous. It was just my reaction!

So much tension.
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I'm 21 and have been in a relationship with someone 7 years older than me since I was 18. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years and I feel I have grown as a person a lot over this time. I've not been 'happy' with him for a long time now and I am racked with guilt over how I feel. Up until last summer he was v much in control of the relationship and didn't treat me how I should be treated. I left him and within hours he was on my door begging, promising to change etc. I said I wasn't sure how I felt I'd been SO sure splitting with him was for the best but I'm soft and I couldn't bare breaking his heart. We got back together, since then he has been the worlds most perfect bf, but I just don't feel like im IN love with him anymore. The thought of splitting with him and breaking his heart is more than I can stand but I spend every minute of the day hating myself for how I feel. I know he could be everything I wanted, and I wish I knew why I don't feel how I used to but I don't. All my friends/family say to split with him as its fairer on him long run but I feel such a bad person. When I look at him I see such a sweet, caring person who wants us to work and I love him so much as a person I just don't think of him in that way anymore. I don't think to be affectionate, I avoid sex, I'm happy not to see him. I have not met anyone else but I do imagine meeting other people and having other relationships. I love this person a lot and it kills me to think of hurting him, is this enough to stay with someone?
 

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Since you are young I will state the obvious: romantic love fades away, in some cases rather quickly. Nothing like a life-changing event (i.e. miscarriage) to snap you out of the "romantic phase." Now begins the "building phase" of your marriage, if you do in fact choose to stick around. Not that you can't still have romance (indeed you should), but understand that romance will no longer define your marriage. If you think about this objectively, is your wife sweet, loving, kind and all that? Is she a "good" person? Does she have the traits that you really want in a long term partner (even if they are not evident presently)? Can you see her as a mother to your children? If you answer yes to these questions, you might want to think twice about leaving. Stress, boredom, illness, etc., these things show up in every marriage. It is how each of you deals with them that matters. If you split and remarry you will confront them once again. Do you want to deal with them now in this marriage, or would you rather postpone it and deal with it later? Only you can answer those questions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well,

I did it. I told her I wanted a divorce. She took it pretty hard initially and once again, all rationale left her head. She got mad, packed up her stuff, took my dog, got in the car, and left. Five minutes later, I hear the door open and she's back. She's crying and begging me to keep her and that she'll do anything to make our relationship better which includes giving up children for a while. I told her I needed a few nights apart to think about it. I really don't know what to do. I feel like this may be a band-aid for now, and then the want will slowly come back and go to the way things were. Maybe she really means it.

I'm pretty lost as to what to do right now.
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