Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 138 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym.
It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. “I can’t talk to anyone else”; “I can’t tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn’t understand the way you do”. You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness.
So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with “we are just friends”. The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of “it was an inappropriate friendship” and “there was some inappropriate touching” she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes.
Now I have to say that I am a very black and white type guy. Maybe that is due to my childhood but I am very strict about who I associate with. I once left a job because my boss lied to me and I don’t play golf with people who cheat. That’s just me so my very first reaction was to kick her out. So as we talked and cried on D-Day I was determined to find a way to kick her out. Amazingly enough as we talked I realized how much I truly love my wife and knew that there was no way I could ask her to leave. Despite the overwhelming pain and sorrow I know in my heart I cannot live without her. So after demanding all of the hateful details, the sexual and non-sexual, I started making a plan to save my marriage. She was forthcoming in all details except that it actually happened once in my house. She was afraid that first night that would have put me over the edge and I would have ended the marriage then and there. She was very adamant that she would do anything to save our marriage. I mean anything including letting me have an affair, getting a boob job, signing divorce papers very favorable to me that we lock in a safety deposit box as a deterrent (but don’t file unless she has another affair), no contact with OM, full transparency, STD test, and she suggested MC. I don’t think two wrongs right anything so the affair doesn’t interest me (just not something I would do and I don’t think it would help the situation). So after talking and crying all night I say I would at least make an attempt to save the marriage. We made love around 8:00 in the morning (crying the entire time) and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Strangely enough we have made love every day since D-day and still have the magical attraction we always have had. I called the OM on Sun night and ended the relationship. He is a scumbag that wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with my wife so I didn’t expect or get any resistance from him. My wife followed up with a NC letter and very stern discussion about how he wronged her. There will be no additional communication between the two as I am watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone. She welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front.
We attended MC on the Wed following D-day and had a long and productive session. We had a follow up session on Sat (D-day plus on week) where she told me it happened in our house. Although I understand her hesitation at telling me initially it did cause me to question my initial desire to save the marriage. It caused me to question every detail of the affair and for the last week I keep asking her painfully detailed questions. She has answered every question without anger but with guilt and remorse in her eyes (along with a lot of tears). We have not disclosed this to anyone but our best couple friends who live out of state. I would prefer that no one ever find out and I think it would literally kill my mother because she is in poor health and absolutely reveres my wife. Also I sold my wedding ring to a gold dealer. I felt it was tainted and I couldn’t wear it anymore. My wife agreed to this but I told her when we feel we are really on the road to full recovery she can ask me to re-marry her. Then she can buy me a new ring as the symbol of our new (and hopefully stronger) commitment to each other.

At this point I understand what happened, understand how it happened, and I even understand how she could compartmentalize it so that she was not considering the enormous potential consequences of her actions. My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I am as I said very black and white and also have a very difficult time with forgiveness. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage and still hopelessly loving my wife even though she was a WS. I have no fear of her ever doing this again. I should have more trust issues but I can see the pain, regret, and guilt in her eyes. We are going to continue MC and do our best to put this awful mess behind us.

So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Your not crazy.
Keep an eye on her and let her earn that trust back. It sound like she is excepting all the consequences for her action.

It takes time so don't rush.

I'm 3 years into a very healthy R so it is possible.

My old lady screwed around on me for years and some how we are making it work. She is doing alot of heavy lifting to affair proof her marriage and is addressing her own issues as an individual as to why she made the choices she made so many years ago.

As long as there is real remorse and your chick can affair proof her marriage by learning the tools that will prevent her from getting into trouple again then you are not crazy, but protecting your investment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
You mentioned here curiosity and missing out on other partners. Have you addressed this with her? what was her response to the fact that her curiasity was a big time betrayal and why she risked so much on filling this curiosity?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Joe,
I also suggest a VAR (voice activated recorder) plant it under her car seat with some velcrow tape. You need to confirm you are not getting decieved by her taking the affair deeper underground.

This type of thing is very attictive for her. You need to verify.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
YOU are not crazy at all.

You can only hope she understands how seriously close she came to destroying the family. Although the wound is deep. You can heal. There are books your wife can read with you to strenghten the marriage.

Ohhh, dance instructor no more.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Be absolutely certain you know ALL there is to know. It was vile & disrespectful to your whole family to desecrate your home with his sweat, stink, and whatever else he deposited in the house where your children sleep.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Burn the bed!

I'm assuming she no longer associates with the gym, she must find a new gym...again another consequence for her actions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
412 Posts
Throw away whatever piece of furniture, sheets and clothes she used to have sex with the OM. She seems to be remorseful from what you posted so far. You'll just have to keep an eye on things.

Also I would suggest you have a open discussion about her sexual fantasies since her "curiosity" lead her to cheat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
242 Posts
Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym.
It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. “I can’t talk to anyone else”; “I can’t tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn’t understand the way you do”. You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness.
So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with “we are just friends”. The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of “it was an inappropriate friendship” and “there was some inappropriate touching” she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes.
Now I have to say that I am a very black and white type guy. Maybe that is due to my childhood but I am very strict about who I associate with. I once left a job because my boss lied to me and I don’t play golf with people who cheat. That’s just me so my very first reaction was to kick her out. So as we talked and cried on D-Day I was determined to find a way to kick her out. Amazingly enough as we talked I realized how much I truly love my wife and knew that there was no way I could ask her to leave. Despite the overwhelming pain and sorrow I know in my heart I cannot live without her. So after demanding all of the hateful details, the sexual and non-sexual, I started making a plan to save my marriage. She was forthcoming in all details except that it actually happened once in my house. She was afraid that first night that would have put me over the edge and I would have ended the marriage then and there. She was very adamant that she would do anything to save our marriage. I mean anything including letting me have an affair, getting a boob job, signing divorce papers very favorable to me that we lock in a safety deposit box as a deterrent (but don’t file unless she has another affair), no contact with OM, full transparency, STD test, and she suggested MC. I don’t think two wrongs right anything so the affair doesn’t interest me (just not something I would do and I don’t think it would help the situation). So after talking and crying all night I say I would at least make an attempt to save the marriage. We made love around 8:00 in the morning (crying the entire time) and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Strangely enough we have made love every day since D-day and still have the magical attraction we always have had. I called the OM on Sun night and ended the relationship. He is a scumbag that wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with my wife so I didn’t expect or get any resistance from him. My wife followed up with a NC letter and very stern discussion about how he wronged her. There will be no additional communication between the two as I am watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone. She welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front.
We attended MC on the Wed following D-day and had a long and productive session. We had a follow up session on Sat (D-day plus on week) where she told me it happened in our house. Although I understand her hesitation at telling me initially it did cause me to question my initial desire to save the marriage. It caused me to question every detail of the affair and for the last week I keep asking her painfully detailed questions. She has answered every question without anger but with guilt and remorse in her eyes (along with a lot of tears). We have not disclosed this to anyone but our best couple friends who live out of state. I would prefer that no one ever find out and I think it would literally kill my mother because she is in poor health and absolutely reveres my wife. Also I sold my wedding ring to a gold dealer. I felt it was tainted and I couldn’t wear it anymore. My wife agreed to this but I told her when we feel we are really on the road to full recovery she can ask me to re-marry her. Then she can buy me a new ring as the symbol of our new (and hopefully stronger) commitment to each other.

At this point I understand what happened, understand how it happened, and I even understand how she could compartmentalize it so that she was not considering the enormous potential consequences of her actions. My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I am as I said very black and white and also have a very difficult time with forgiveness. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage and still hopelessly loving my wife even though she was a WS. I have no fear of her ever doing this again. I should have more trust issues but I can see the pain, regret, and guilt in her eyes. We are going to continue MC and do our best to put this awful mess behind us.

So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?
Joe,

The question of how willing you are to reconcile with your wife is something that only you can answer. For the most part, sadly, there is little that is remarkable about your situation in terms of experience of other BHs on TAM. One detail that stood out to me as uncommon, and that causes some concern for me, is the assertion by your wife that she and the OM used a condom during the four occurrences of sexual intercourse. From what I've read in my time here, that's something very uncommon if it's true. The psychology and biochemistry running rampant during an affair usually makes the two APs forgo contraceptives, even though during trickle-truth, to mitigate fallout, some spouses will make the claim. However, your wife's seeming openness in admitting the affair, even that one such occurrence was in your marital bed makes it unlikely to be a product of mitigation. If that's so, it seems to construe, at least to me, that your wife's relationship with the OM had nothing to do with emotional intimacy and everything to do with sexual gratification for its own sake. That the penis belong to her fellow instructor was merely a case of easy access; in another situation it might just as easily have been attached to a neighbor, or one of your children's friends (assuming they're old enough). That, coupled with the seeming ease with which she cut off the OM would have me worried because it means that an EA doesn't have to developed to put her in danger of recidivism. There's literally nothing stopping her from going trolling for another lover any time she's not in your line of sight. Again, I could easily be wrong but that's just my tuppence. I wish you luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,153 Posts
What about her job? Do they instruct at the same facility?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
never in a million years ... we have a great marriage ... great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym. It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage I have no fear of her ever doing this again. So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?
Given the circumstances, I think you should try to reconcile if that's what you want.

I think you should take your wife off the pedestal now, though.

A loyal wife in a "great" 22-year marriage with "great" sex is not going to fall so easily to a predator.

The trajectory you describe, to me, makes it look like your wife was looking for the affair. I doubt she never got hit on at the gym when you are not present, so she knows darn well guys look at her and have an interest in her. You are trying to demonize the other man, which I agree he is scum, but your wife was texting him constantly, flirting with him, doing so in your presence - what does that make her? It doesn't sound like he took advantage of her, it sounds like she did it quite willingly.

She joined his class, she wanted him to teach her. This guy teaches dancing class to women. He knows darn well which ones are open to an affair and which ones are not. He went after your wife because he sensed she was open to it.

The thing that would bother me, if I were in your shoes, is what would have happened if other man was not such a mess and you were not such a financial success, what if other man had more money and more financial stability than you AND was interested in a long-term relationship with your wife? You might be looking at quite a different situation right now.

I think she had more desire for this affair than she is telling you, she gave him signals that encouraged him to move forward with this, and she is the one primarily to blame for the affair, not other man. Not to say that he isn't scum, but other man did nothing that your wife didn't willingly go along with and encourage.

You seem like a very straight-forward guy who tackles problems head on. You believe in right and wrong. Your wife of 22 years knows darn well you are like this, she also knew what the consequences possibly would be, and she went forward with the affair anyway. Like I already said, I think there's more to her motivation, her planning, her deciding on the affair than she is letting on, it didn't just happen because of some perfect storm of bad circumstances with this particular other man.

I think you still are a little shell-shocked and maybe in a bit of denial. You are crazy if you really "have no fear of her ever doing this again." If that was true, then why monitor her with gps?

So my advice is to try to reconcile, but keep your eyes and ears open, don't believe your wife was in any way a victim of a predator, she was an equal partner in this adultery, and let her rebuild your trust, don't rationalize in your head that "you can see it in her eyes," let her prove it to you by her actions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Joe, she needs consequences. Expose to those around you.

No matter what she says or does, conscious or subconsciously, shes going to be thinking "I got away with it" in the back of her head. If someone plays with fire its only right that they get burned.

If you soften everything you'll lessen the impact of just what it is shes done. Tears mean nothing, promises mean nothing. She 'promised' to never take another and look how that went, so don't put any stock into that crap.

You are a black and white guy, I am similar.

You need to get her a polygraph. She has a history of holding back details so you need to be sure you know everything.

Also I know this whole thing is an ugly matter, but DO NOT rugsweep this. In your haste to get past it, you may wind up acting like the affair never happened or avoiding it. Your marriage will never be the same and things have to change. Don't. Rugsweeping the affair all but guarantees a repeat occurrence in the future.

Girls nights out, over. her habits that lead to the affair, gone. And make sure your counselor calls her out on her bullsh!t.

You don't get 'curious' when someone kisses you. You get aroused or you get revolted/pissed off. Anyone true and loyal to their spouses should experience the latter of the two.

Its pretty clear which one your wife got sorted into so make sure in counseling you get to the bottom of why.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,564 Posts
Joe, she needs consequences. Expose to those around you.

No matter what she says or does, conscious or subconsciously, shes going to be thinking "I got away with it" in the back of her head. If someone plays with fire its only right that they get burned.

If you soften everything you'll lessen the impact of just what it is shes done. Tears mean nothing, promises mean nothing. She 'promised' to never take another and look how that went, so don't put any stock into that crap.

You are a black and white guy, I am similar.

You need to get her a polygraph. She has a history of holding back details so you need to be sure you know everything.

Also I know this whole thing is an ugly matter, but DO NOT rugsweep this. In your haste to get past it, you may wind up acting like the affair never happened or avoiding it.

Don't. Rugsweeping the affair all but guarantees a repeat occurrence in the future.
You sound like you're willing to forgive her way too easily. Which in the end women don't respect along with doormats and won't do you any favors in the long run. You come off as needy and co-dependant which I'm sure your wife has picked up on. Women don't respect this in their men either.

Believe me eventually you're going to experience some pretty bad anger, resentment and triggers.

And Will Kane made some pretty good points. Your wife is by no means some victim in this situation. She most likely had a very good idea of what type of posistion she put herself in and was probably looking to do so from the start.

Wish you the best of luck and hopefully your wife is genuinely remoreseful but to me you come off as a bit TOO "understanding". But that's just my opinion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
You sound like you're willing to forgive her way too easily. Which in the end women don't respect along with doormats and won't do you any favors in the long run. You come off as needy and co-dependant which I'm sure your wife has picked up on. Women don't respect this in their men either.

Believe me eventually you're going to experience some pretty bad anger, resentment and triggers.

And Will Kane made some pretty good points. Your wife is by no means some victim in this situation. She most likely had a very good idea of what type of posistion she put herself in and was probably looking to do so from the start.

Wish you the best of luck and hopefully your wife is genuinely remoreseful but to me you come off as a bit TOO "understanding". But that's just my opinion.
In what way am I suggesting he forgive easily?

If anything its the opposite.

I'm not gonna throw out a hardline D when its pretty clear to everyone hes R'ing even if he hasn't realized it yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,182 Posts
What bothers me about this situation---is there is no real accountability

NC, transparency, and all the rest of the things done by the wife---standard fare for cheating spouse---but then he had sex, with her right away---and her cushy life style has not changed one bit

It didn't bother you, that you were going where a strange man who DID NOT take vows with your wife had been for a whole month, or longer---did it not bother you another man had your wife's lips, and she had his tool in her mouth, or was it the other way around--it doesn't matter----none of what she has done has reviled you---WHY NOT???????

Do you not understand that your wife took another man in preferance to you---she disrespected you, spit on her wedding ring---threw her vows out the window, and said who cares about my children, if I blow up this mge, so what--------

She knew what she was doing---sure she wanted some foreign spice---she was bored with you, bored with her mge---and instead of discussing the problem---she spreads her legs for a month or longer, and in your own home---and you basically have done nothing

The next time she wants to try another man---it will be even easier for her, cuz now she knows you will just say, oh I love you so much, I will make this mge worrk, and slide what you have done under the rug---so she KNOWS she can cheat, and you will do nothing

The way you are handling this, is a recipe for disaster, for your mge-----

I am not saying don't R---I am saying as others are saying---there needs to be some stiff consequences beyond the ordinary consequences---she just can't go back to her lifestyle as it was.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,427 Posts
jnj, why so explicit? Course he has imagined all that. This is not a man in denial....at least it doesn't seem that way to me. I really don't think all that explicitness is necessary or required. I think it is just cruel.

Joe, no you are not crazy. Or stupid. It sounds to me like this is a complete one off. She has been faithful, honest, truthful, for 22 years. And she has given you all the details easily. This is not a woman who is in the affair fog. Who wants to go out and do it again. This is someone who is doing all in her power to right the utter stupidity she allowed herself to get carried away with. I think a lot of the above posts are not taking the circumstances, and her post DD actions into account. I think some advice is telling you what to do in the sense that your wife has been a serial cheater, or is about to become one. This does not look like it from where I am standing. Consequences, yes. There has to be some. You have to decide what is necessary though. Read other posts. Try and find others in similar situations to you and what helped them.

And don't expose expose. I would generally be positive on that advice, but I think in this case it is just unnecessary. Let her know though, any repeat and everyone you both know will find out about it. Maybe get her to handwrite a letter admitting what she did so that if there is a repeat, that is what will be shown to all. Lock that away with the divorce papers. Those 2 things alone would be a huge deterrent for her ever repeating. But as I said above, her behaviour and actions tell me that her remorse is real and that all she has created and the pain she has caused is possibly deterrent enough. Just do these things as a fail safe. Double and triple security.

Get the divorce papers signed and locked away, make sure she knows, really knows, how close she came to outright divorce and that any repeat will be instantaneous divorce. No questions, no 2nd chances. Verify her continued honesty and that she is having nothing to do with him whatsoever. And get on with the rest of your lives. Happily. Get all this out the way, don't hold it against her, and make sure you both read up on boundaries in marriage. If she allowed herself to get swept away so easily, her boundaries were very very poor. She needs to reinforce them.
 
  • Like
Reactions: JCD

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
882 Posts
Things to watch during your reconciliation is that you and your wife accept and acknowledge that the cheating was something your wife chose to do. Right now, from what you wrote, I get the impression you are both putting a lot of blame on the POSOM. And he IS a POS, no question. And he does share some responsibility. But your wife cannot have the mindset that he led her astray - she led herself astray. You have to realize this too - your wife chose to cheat. She needs to work on that part of herself which allowed this to happen.

The other thing that hasn't come out (or maybe I missed it) are the marital conditions prior to her cheating. What was missing? What changes are YOU making?

Just don't make the mistake of placing too much of the blame on the POSOM. He was a part of the problem but not the sole cause.

Good luck with the R!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
650 Posts
This is kinda scary. I don't think she is truly remorseful, honestly. She did everything to keep you from kicking her out. She even omitted having sex in your house. She had sex in your own home, man! That is a brazennes that not most cheaters are capable of. What she is doing isn't remorse, it's called damage control. You weren't even in her afterthoughts when she was cheating on you, guy. It wasn't a one time deal and she is an accomplice in escalating it. She is no victim.

She was curious, so instead of counting herself lucky to have such a happy marriage, she just went ahead and had an affair. Now you are taking her back, without a doubt in your mind. The OM got some free married p*ssy, your wife satisfied her curiousity, what about you?

Btw, I don't think epiphanies such as "Omg, I love my spouse, I have to do everything to make it up to him/her." comes right after D-Day to cheaters. I think she even planned what to say to you to keep you from divorcing her. That's a bit too calculating in an affair for my taste. Affairs are about the so called "passion" and hormones running rampant. Can somebody cut it off like that?

Also, to verify the NC I would expose to OM's gf.
 
1 - 20 of 138 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top