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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.
 

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You should also be exposing this to their employer as well. If you want to have any chance at saving your marriage, they CANNOT stay in constant contact. Period. There's no other way.

If you're not willing to bust this up completely and permanently, then you may as well go ahead and file for divorce, because I can guarantee you that is where you'll be headed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wow! you guys are fast.

I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.
 

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Wow! you guys are fast.

I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.
Exactly. If what is stopping him is OW is not aviable...
Expose, let the chips fall whener they may. Dont warn your BH nor MOW. Get some evidence in case MOW paint you as the crazy wife of an inocent coworker.
 

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How did you discover the affair. I'm only curious because evidence is much better then your voice on the phone telling him. It would be nice to have chat logs, phone logs, etc. That you could deliver the H with a note explaining the details you are aware of. I think the better you nail her the more effective it will be and there will be less of her denying it and lying.
 

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Wow! you guys are fast.

I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.
You don't have to let go of that dream. You just have to suspend your belief in that dream temporarily and get to work on busting up this affair. And the best chance for that is full nuclear exposure.

MelodyLane @ MB said:
Exposure 101

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?"

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!
 

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Talk to OW's husband ASAP. That'll most likely kill the affair and only then will yo have a chance in saving your marriage.

After talking to the OWh, I would also expose to your family and friends.
 

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Expose the affair to everyone. Even the family pets and the cactus on the windowsill.

I kept quiet to protect my disloyal wife and it bit me in the ass in the form of a FalseR. Like someone else on TAM wrote, affairs are like mold and thrive in darkness.

The only people I kept out of the loop were octogenarian grandparents. They really don't need the worry.
 

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Expose the affair to everyone. Even the family pets and the cactus on the windowsill.
That actually made me chuckle.

Hope you're doing okay DM. Been thinking about ya'.
 

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Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.
You have a duty to tell her.
 

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Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.
I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. I would like to decide what is best for my kids, not you. If I wanted to stay together for the sake of the kids, I could.
 
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