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OP, I was talking to my husband about this earlier.
His first wife of 23 years cheated on him.
He says no, don't do it, not after all this time. He said that if you do, you will be responsible for hurting his innocent wife and children and grandchildren. You will be responsible for the potential devastation it may cause.

You are all in your 60's now, it is a long time ago. The affair ended 25 years ago. Let it go.
You and your husband are good people, forgiving people.
Bless you...

God gives us some free will.
Free will, to do our bidding and free will to do His Works, HIS WILL.

If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.

I see the need to punish this POSOM.
Any hurt that arrives at his families doorstep....he invited in.

When you play with demons you (very often) pay the price.
This horrible man delivered a lifetime of pain to our OP.

Back-payment is long-overdue.

Cuts that are not properly attended to, never heal.

Expose the little medicine man.



Nemesis-
 
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I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her.
your story is pretty clear cut. Unfortunately, you don't understand what really happened here. You are a Blue Pill guy who has been socially conditioned (your post reeks of it) to view women according to your clergyman's narrative and how society sets the narrative for female nature. You fulfilled 2/3 of the requirements.

What she wanted is a composite of the two men. The other guy for sex and you as her plow horse being sent out to work your azz off, a good husband and father too. Also her ability to control you easily. You were betaized early in your marriage, possibly even before.

read 1) the manipulated man by ester vilar and 2) Female Psychology for the practical man by joe south to better understand what the fk happened to you. both can be downloaded.

She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her.
Most likely sex and the way the OM was bringing it. was your sex mostly that romantic kind you see on tv? that's part of your social conditioning.

She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love.
Yep. See above. The relations with OM were probably 'just sex". the part about her being in love was her rationalizing her behavior.

I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life,
Well done. You fulfilled your role as a beta provider. You were trained for this role as a young man and accepted it - no questions asked. Hell, this is what husbands do, right.

He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls,
No way brother. Not for seven years. Noone is that smooth-talking. OM rattled her emotions in a way that you did not. You are probably a nice-guy. Not one to offend or push boundaries. Overly polite w/ women. A perfect gentleman. failed to take control in the bedroom or failed to do what you wanted because your wife isn't that kind of girl.

convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
You were gaslit amigo. you were the puppet on the string, not her. You resorted to your nice-guy behavior by letting it go.

Ask your wife what she thinks about the composite man. this is called the Lover/Provider Dichotomy and is well established in human psychology.
 

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My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted

this was a result of her Emotions related to the OM. She was pretty gone at this point. You were probably a good husband and father who felt like a roommate.

In your Will, bypass your Princess (who you put on the pedestal all those years). Where did that behavior get you? See if you can do this or go directly to your children. You can put a little clause (Princess you know why). There have to be consequences. Her best years she was providing sexual agency to another man (and he got the good stuff) in exchange for your commitment such as providing material support and doing all those things a husband does (cutting the grass, paying insurance, car regis, credit cards, vacations, etc. etc.) She relied upon you for this which you dutifully fulfilled. Don't underrate commitment amigo -- it's the reason women get married.

It's a tradeoff really -- sexual agency for commitment. Forget the Disney stuff friend. That's just a myth.
 

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You and your husband are good people, forgiving people.
Bless you...

God gives us some free will.
Free will, to do our bidding and free will to do His Works, HIS WILL.

If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.

I see the need to punish this POSOM.
Any hurt that arrives at his families doorstep....he invited in.

When you play with demons you (very often) pay the price.
This horrible man delivered a lifetime of pain to our OP.

Back-payment is long-hioverdue.

Cuts that are not properly attended to, never heal.

Expose the little medicine man.



Nemesis-
That's interesting because I strongly feel that wreaking vengeance actually stops you from healing.
I once heard a brilliant teaching on forgiveness. One phrase that was so helpful for me and that I have always remembered was this. 'When you forgive you are taking them off your hook and putting them into Gods hook'.
Believe me, He has far far more idea about how best to deal with the situation than we do.
Bitterness, resentment and wanting vengence hurts us the most. Forgiveness sets us free and brings healing.
For Christians forgiving isn't optional. It's a decision. Yes it can take time, but He says it for our own good.
 

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OP, what I don't understand here is that your wife who is 50% responsible seems to be facing few consequences and you seem to be staying with her, yet you are thinking about blowing up many other people's lives to get back at the OM who was no more responsible than your wife.

If you can have that on your conscience then go ahead, but I so hope you don't do it.
 

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Again. DNA YOUR KIDS
Haha, it's a great idea, but HTF do you convince your 40yo child to submit to a cheek swab?

I'm envisioning all kinds of elaborate schemes you might see on TV to surreptitiously collect your adult child's DNA.

Actually, OP, do they look like you? That's an important thing.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.- Aristotle

And do what with the info?
Make them change their last name.

If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.
That's an excellent point!

OP, have you been visited by an Angelic being or had any prophetic dreams?
(Apologies @SunCMars, I'm just being a Genius Donkey. I agree with you completely about punishment here on Earth. You don't want Ted Bundy types walking around free, much less breathing.)
 

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Haha, it's a great idea, but HTF do you convince your 40yo child to submit to a cheek swab?

I'm envisioning all kinds of elaborate schemes you might see on TV to surreptitiously collect your adult child's DNA.

Actually, OP, do they look like you? That's an important thing.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.- Aristotle


Make them change their last name.


That's an excellent point!

OP, have you been visited by an Angelic being or had any prophetic dreams?
(Apologies @SunCMars, I'm just being a Genius Donkey. I agree with you completely about punishment here on Earth. You don't want Ted Bundy types walking around free, much less breathing.)
Simple, 23 & Me is a genetic searching company and website that identifies long lost relatives, tells you of any genetic markers that you have that might give you problems.

I used this years ago and found that I have many cousins in Finland and in Minnesota/Wisconsin.
And, what Hapgroup you belong to.

I found out that I am 3.2 percent Neanderthal.
Uh, most of my friends would concur!

It is a very interesting website.


Are Dee-
 

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You think the children are the OP's?

Yes....I'd bet on it......

OP served his purpose in providing the seed for children. This was part of the reason she married him. it's her biological imperative. He was also married due to his stability and steadiness. Steady Charlie. Then she devoured him. She lost attraction after the children and he was relegated to Pure Provider. This is common in the final betaization stage. You might say the coup de grace where the woman attains full control in the relationship. Psychologists refer to it as the 5 stages of manipulation after childbirth.

Id also bet that the Mrs had other extramarital affairs to which OP is oblivious. I think the odds are very high. Op will never know with all of the lies and gaslighting he's encountered over the years. He makes up a fantasy world in his head to either justify it, keep the peace, or just move on in the world. Keeping the peace is typical of the nice guy. He never faced it head-on and took the action he should have upon initial discovery (throw her the fk out and stop providing!).

He claims --" he's in Love". Yes of course. We hear that one all the time from these guys. Love for the beta provider is nothing more than an internal emotion/passion completely subjective that Baruch Spinoza (17th-century philosopher of the highest order) termed an irrational idea. It's probably based on the male's instinct to protect and the male's inherent lack of options. Trust me if a hottie, who believed the OP was the greatest thing in the world, was waiting in the wings
this self-proclaimed Love would not be so striking. They fear having to go out into the dating world again since they believe that part of their life is complete and permanent.


I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me,
In return for His love, wife gets railed by at least one other man for seven years. You can't imagine the **** she did with this guy. During this time, steady Charlie is paying for that big life insurance policy 'just in case something happens to him' he wants the Mrs. to be fully protected. He's probably still paying those premiums today -- 'just in case". She didn't give one iota about Love amigo. It's nothing more than a passion created inside you. It has no independent real existence. It's not manifested in Wife.

Sure she loves you. She's 63 now and has limited options. At 63 she simply cant attract men like she used to. At 70, it's pretty much over. She probably likes your steadiness and stability and predictability due to her lowered sex drive. She's never had a problem with your wallet and how you keep her in material comfort and on a pedestal.


she was the evil, screwed-up person and apologized over and over.
Apology accepted. everything is cool now. She even cried. The OM tricked her somehow. You only know a fraction of what happened. everything you know is out of her mouth and you believe it. She'll never tell you about the other affairs.

It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
CONCLUSION: Make the call but not to the wife. Call the OM and tell him you want to meet with him for a drink or two. If he refuses tell him you will then be forced to tell the wife. Get the story of what happened from the OM's perspective. You'll be confronted with something you never imagined and is much closer to the truth. Like how your wife pursued this guy. How he finally dumped her but kept her around for the easy sex and so forth. Maybe he got a new side piece when your wife started to become a real pain in the azz. Only when you have both stories will you get a semblance of how you were played. He may tell you about her other affair partners and other misdeeds.

So yes -- make the call amigo. Im sorry about the responses you received. They are probably not what you expected. However, I hope you are starting to realize what happened to you and not that fantasy in your head. I'm really sorry for you. I am because I hate to see this happen to a well-intentioned good guy. Life isn't fair and the old saying holds true again -- nice guys always lose, always.
 

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To the OP: I wouldn't bring up the diet pills thing and confront anyone if I were you. There's no point. Your wife was not the victim of some evil genius mind guru. You're reading that into it.

You have some anger issues and want to drag someone out of the past and blame them. Your wife got what she wanted and then ended the relationship. Your wife loved him and was a full participant in the affair. It ended after a full 7 years. I was married for 6 years before my wife filed for separation and divorce.

Don't blame him or try to get revenge. Your wife is a fully accountable human being and it sounds like it all ended many years ago. It would be mentally unhealthy to churn it all up again to make some guy pay the price for something long ago. I think the real issue is your wife duped you, tricked up and now you feel foolish having to support her for the rest of your days. You never got to have an affair and have your fun and that's unfair so you want to take it out on that poor simp your wife dumped years ago who used to help her score the diet pills she liked.
 

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I wouldn’t contact his family. How would it help you in any way? Are they even still married?

Also realize that you would assume at least some moral ownership of whatever happens next after the disclosure. She goes crazy and hurts someone? She jumps off a bridge? You’re going to have live with that.

Forget the OM. Let God sort him out. Don’t give him any more power in your life.
 

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I wouldn’t contact his family. How would it help you in any way? Are they even still married?

Also realize that you would assume at least some moral ownership of whatever happens next after the disclosure. She goes crazy and hurts someone? She jumps off a bridge? You’re going to have live with that.

Forget the OM. Let God sort him out. Don’t give him any more power in your life.
Thats why I could never do this. It's many people who will get very hurt and as you say, no one can know the consequences. I couldn't live with that.
 

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So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.
 

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So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.
I would usually agree if the affair was only just discovered. However they were all in their 30's then and are now in their 60's.
I see no point in hurting many others just because of a desire to get revenge.
 

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So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.
Hot. Cold. Who cares? It’s a plate of poison and you’re the one eating it. The anger that he is feeling will not go away. It will still be there after his “revenge“. He will just have added a new layer of misery in the form of guilt at the pain he has now caused a bunch of innocent people. And the wife, the children, possibly grandchildren are all innocent.

I am not suggesting he stay in his marriage. That is a very difficult question and complex, especially given the amount of time we are talking about here.
 

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I think the real issue is your wife duped you, tricked up and now you feel foolish having to support her for the rest of your days.

OP hasn't returned. I guess he didn't like the responses so hightailed it out of here. Everybody's wrong except OP. Fairy tales are safe and comforting.

As for supporting her for the rest of her days, hey man he's in love ok.
 

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I would usually agree if the affair was only just discovered. However they were all in their 30's then and are now in their 60's.
I see no point in hurting many others just because of a desire to get revenge.
Well, it seems he DID just discover that it went on for SEVEN years, not a few months, and only ended because they moved.

In all fairness, OP would not be hurting others. His WIFE and the OM are responsible for that.
 
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