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Long story, so bear with me….
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.

All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.

As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.

A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.

I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.

Here’s the problem -
The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
I think, if you're willing to make that phone call to this guy's wife, then you also should be just as willing to leave your wife right now.

At this point, you called the wife years ago, she is aware of the affair, did she leave him? No. So, in that regard, I don't think it will make a difference. I understand you're angry, and you have every right to be. BUT, your wife lived a double life, just as the OM did. Gandhi had a great saying and I think it applies here...'be the change you wish to see in the world'. You've got to clean up your own house before you can clean up another's house.
 

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As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
Your old lady is a master manipulator and siren whose singing convinced you that you were crazy. And you bought into it all these years because you wanted her singing to be true. In the final analysis, she's responsible for her cheating; you are responsible for sticking your head in the sand. Your problem, and a problem most spouses make, are making accusations when, " some suspicious things happened during that time", hoping to trip up the cheater and/or cause them to reveal themselves. Most betrayed spouses, especially men, are easily hoodwinked by an experienced cheater who is well ahead of and usually smarter than their betrayed spouse. Your old lady knew your personality well and had already rehearsed her responses to your mince suspicions. Her technique successfully kept you at bay all those years while she was giving her lover the full monty. You were her base camp while she continued to climb Mount Pecker.
Now it sounds like you've convinced yourself, most likely with her help, that she was taken advantage of all those years rather than banging other guys because she liked the way it felt. Think about it my man. Its a little easier on your ego to think your old lady was putting out to get drugs.
I know the more you stir shyt the worse it stinks but have you considered what she may have been doing the guy after y'all moved. Don't be surprised if you discover this cat , "come a visiting" a time or two or she found another guy or two to entertain her. From what you describe, it hard to imagine this chick just went cold turkey when she moved away from regularly servicing this guy.
If it were me, I'd call his old lady; not simply to notify her that her old man continued tapping your wife, but to tell her I'm looking for a revenge affair and would she be interested in participating in paying these two back.;) With what you've learned folks tell you to go live your remaining live being happy is about like me telling you to go run that marathon now that your leg is amputated.
 

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SEVEN YEARS!!

Interesting that your anger is directed at this other cat. He was NOT the one lying to you nor betraying you nor did he take vows with you. Nope. But your wife sure did. He did all the above to his wife.

SEVEN LONG YEARS for crying out loud.

Maybe you need to think about what the word love means to you?

Can you trust your wife? Based upon this info I would say how in the world would this be possible?

Does your wife respect you? She played you for a fool for SEVEN years!! In actuality she played you for a fool for FORTY YEARS!!

Does your wife have your back? SEVEN long years this went on so there's NO doubt she had unprotected sex with this guy putting your health at risk. So no she did NOT have your back.

Did your wife honor you? NO!
Did your wife forsake all others? NO!
Was your wife truthful with you? NO!
Did your wife protect you and your family? She played Russian roulette with your kids world. NO!

Did your wife do the one thing that all spouses should do for each other and that's to cherish and value your heart? NO!

Did your wife love you? NO!

I could go on and on but you get the picture. I guess the bigger question is what are you going to do about this? I'm not talking about what you're going to do with this other guy and his wife....I'm talking about FINALLY, after THIRTY-THREE YEARS, your wife finally tells you the truth.

You now know the truth.
What are you going to do???
 

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Long story, so bear with me….
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.

All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.

As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.

A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.

I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.

Here’s the problem -
The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
My personal advice would be to not dig up more problems from two decades ago. You are trying to figure out how it was your wife's BF at fault and not hers. She is the one who kept it going for years, gaslighting you all of the way. She is the one who lied to you for years. The BF was just accepting the gift she offered. Informing her BF's wife accomplishes nothing either His wife likely knew about it when it was going on, just like you found out.

Even if you somehow got revenge, that just prompts a tit for tat with him, who knows where that ends or how bad it becomes. Deadly feuds have started over way less. And, your wife maybe gets upset with you for harming her old BF.

I don't know about her loving you, if she had she wouldnt have come clean 20 years after the fact but would have just kept lying to you like she has done your entire marriage. By telling all and apologizing, she takes all of her own guilt away and throws the unhappiness and sleepless nights back onto you.

At your ages, not sure how you overcome this. Feel sorry your entire married life has been a lie, but at this late date that is just another cross for you to bear. There are plenty of people in the same boat with a hole in it. Accept her apologies and live what is left of your life, as best you are able. No point in taking it out on your wife either, won't hurt anyone but you.

My advice is pretend nothing happened, act like you did before she came clean. DO NOT contact the boyfriend or anyone associated with him.
 

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Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
Why now? because you're feeling like a perfect chump for allowing her to work with her AP for all these years? You knew your wife and what she was capable of, and you allowed her to work with him after she got caught, they were probably laughing their heads off after having sex of how clueless and stupid you are!
She even easily confessed to you about the 7 long years affair because she knows she is married to weak doormat who doesn't stand up for himself, she doesn't even fear losing you because she knows your not going any where, and she is right!

You even convinced yourself that she was taken advantage of... PLEASE!

occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
You didn't even act or do anything about your suspicions, no job change, no PI work.. and you allowed her to control the situation!
That's why weak men always get the bad deals!

Just forget about it, and continue living your life peacefully, no point acting like an Alpha male with dignity now... Or can you?!
 

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My personal advice would be to not dig up more problems from two decades ago. You are trying to figure out how it was your wife's BF at fault and not hers. She is the one who kept it going for years, gaslighting you all of the way. She is the one who lied to you for years. The BF was just accepting the gift she offered. Informing her BF's wife accomplishes nothing either His wife likely knew about it when it was going on, just like you found out.

Even if you somehow got revenge, that just prompts a tit for tat with him, who knows where that ends or how bad it becomes. Deadly feuds have started over way less. And, your wife maybe gets upset with you for harming her old BF.

I don't know about her loving you, if she had she wouldnt have come clean 20 years after the fact but would have just kept lying to you like she has done your entire marriage. By telling all and apologizing, she takes all of her own guilt away and throws the unhappiness and sleepless nights back onto you.

At your ages, not sure how you overcome this. Feel sorry your entire married life has been a lie, but at this late date that is just another cross for you to bear. There are plenty of people in the same boat with a hole in it. Accept her apologies and live what is left of your life, as best you are able. No point in taking it out on your wife either, won't hurt anyone but you.

My advice is pretend nothing happened, act like you did before she came clean. DO NOT contact the boyfriend or anyone associated with him.
"My advice is pretend nothing happened"??

So now you're advising that he lie to himself as well along with having to deal with FORTY years of lies from his wife?

Alright then. Nothing to see here. Move along.
 

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Sadly another case of a very weak man, or maybe one blinded by love. And another prime example that when an affair involves a coworker and you want it to end and reconcile, they MUST not work together anymore. One MUST quit.

@What a fine mess I wouldn't bother with trying to get revenge on the POSOM. You already called him out the first time, nothing to be gained by going back again. Odds are nothing would come from it anyway. And guess what, he probably found another AP once your wife broken it off with him. His wife probably know he is a cheater and stuck around for the money he was making. All my assumptions, but probably not that far off. You wife fully owns responsibility for her actions. You are just going through denial and trying to assign blame so you have an easier time staying with your wife. You have to decide if you want to push the betrayal and lack of love from your wife to the back of your mind and move on, or divorce.
 

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Hmm… was there a thread merge? 🤔
 

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Long story, so bear with me….
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.

All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.

As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.

A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.

I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.

Here’s the problem -
The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
I would tell her.
 

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Tell the OBS; but, do NOT tell your wife ahead of time. You don't want her warning OM and blunting the shock when his wife goes ballistic on him. Why deprive her of her just due?

I think I would spend whatever years I have remaining doing exactly as I please with whomever I please.
 

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Seven years - sounds like they had a full length long term relationship which fizzled out at the 7 year mark, like so many do. You were plan B. Has she shown any suspicious behavior in the last 20 years? People can change, but most don't.
 

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Seven years - sounds like they had a full length long term relationship which fizzled out at the 7 year mark, like so many do. You were plan B. Has she shown any suspicious behavior in the last 20 years? People can change, but most don't.
From what I read it only fizzled because they moved.
She says she broke it off when we moved to another town
So, she would have kept doing it had they not moved.
 

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I really don't want to pile on more misery, but it's not like this was a drunken girls night out one night stand that you forgave her for. She actively deceived you and gaslighted you for 7 years. Then she proceed to cover it for many years after. I know you just found this out and she was finally being honest (maybe). I have no idea why you want to bring this down on the other guys family and not on your wife. I mean come on it was for 7 years that she actively and intentionally lied to you, she cannot claim victim here.
 

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That is harsh! I live by the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater".... I won't blame a guy for trying to make it work after, but I will never advocate for it. If you consider ending it, I'd recommend gathering solid audio/video proof and make a planned exit.

No way anyone, man or woman, holds a 7yr relationship without some feelings. I would probably be in the camp to just let the other woman know, and leave it at that. I realize many don't agree but would you like to be left in the dark?
 

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Should you expose this?

YES, YES, YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

What he and your wife put you through was MENTAL ABUSE of the worse kind. You have had to carry the initial knowledge with you all those years and now that has been multiplied a thousand times over so her MENTAL ABUSE continues.

This isn't revenge, IT IS A CALLING TO ACCOUNT for their actions.

As for your wife, you have made it too comfortable for her. Cut her off financially and make her beg for every last crumb.

On the other hand, you could rug sweep it all, internally absorb the hurt and resentment and just wait for that big old heart attack that will leave the Merry Widow financially secure for the rest of her life.
Why? She’s just divorce him and get a huge reward for being a cheater.
Heck yes I’d tell his wife. But the thing is, your slutty wife is one of many and the other guys wife probably knew it all along and just stayed and enjoyed the lifestyle. Doubtful she even cares.
 

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Thing is Evinrude, she is already getting a huge reward for cheating and has been all her married life. She lives off her husband’s hard earned wealth without any consequences for her actions so what has he actually got to lose?
Like I said, if I was him I would turn that riches tap off and make her beg for every crumb. If she wanted to divorce, I would fight her every inch of the way, delay it as much as possible, make her pay high legal fees. Yes, I know it would cost me as well but I would want to put her through as much hell as she put me through.

But still, I know I am a vindictive b*stard!
 

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A dumped who$e become old .

He probably even wouldn't want to take half second to look at her anymore, that was why she left ! And now she wants to use you to revenge the guy ?
 
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