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Long story, so bear with me….
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.

All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.

As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.

A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.

I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.

Here’s the problem -
The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
 

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Believe it or not, your wife knew what she was doing, too. That's a hard thing to accept, but it's true. He didn't force your wife to have sex with him for seven years. While, he may have been a narcissistic charming kind of guy, she was just as culpable for what she did. This is a common theme I've noticed with people who have been betrayed in their marriage, they want to put all the blame on their spouse's affair partner, but your wife wasn't innocent. She may have been easily seduced by this guy, but if you truly want to heal, you need to forgive your wife, and let this guy go. Seeking revenge on him, blowing up his life 20 years later or whatever, it won't change the fact that your wife lied to you for a long time, many years ago. I'm sorry this happened, but if you choose to remain in the marriage, work on things together, and let that guy go. Just my opinion.
 

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It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to also post this in ladies lounge for thei perspective.
Too far in the past, let it go.
You might want to DNA test the children.
 

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Yes, @What a fine mess I would, and I would tell your wife that you are going to and that if his wife questions or does not believe you that you expect her to back you on confirming everything. That is the least she should be willing to do. Best of luck!
 

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One big mistake was her not leaving her job. 6 more years of them working together was asking for trouble.
However when it was 31 years ago I wouldn't want to be responsible for devastating a family with children and probably grandchildren and for what? For revenge?
I just don't see the point.
You were all in your early 30's, now you are all in your 60's, I just can't see the point and who knows, his wife may know anyway like you do.
Not sure she will thank you for it after all his time. You told her before, she stayed with him. Like you they are still together 31 years later. Just leave it. It wont just be him who suffers, but all his family and what will that achieve?

How much do your family know?

You are making the mistake many cheated on men make and that is seeing your wife as the poor taken advantage of woman and he as the big bad wolf. It's rarely like that. If you see him as the only bad one in this then your anger at your wife is all directed at him which isn't helpful.


You are still together it seems, taking revenge isn't going to help you and you may regret it. Concentrate on your own life, leave others to them. If the affair was happening now then yes, but as it's so long ago, no.

Revenge rarely achieves anything good or helpful. It wont help you either. Unless you are the sort of person who doesn't mind hurting lots of people just to get back at one.
 

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He obviously wasn't the only one leading a double life.

She was an active, engaged, willing participant. She was not a puppet on a string.

I'm kind of wondering why she has told you this after all these years. What was in it for her to disclose this?

Whether to tell his wife or not is really up to you. I would bet good money she already knows. I would bet even better money she knows of many other women as well. I'm not sure telling her will have any beneficial effect for anyone but if it makes you feel better I guess there is that.
 

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No.

Your anger should be directed at your wife and it’s her life you should now blow up.

Abusers have a way of making everyone else around them fight. Everyone else’s lives are blown up and theirs get to be just sweet and ok. Leave that poor man’s wife alone. Put the anger where it belongs and don’t hurt innocent people anymore. His wife made her own decisions, don’t bring her down.

Why would you run through fire for your wife again? To be her prince now at the expense of an elderly woman who went through the same as you? You don’t get to decide if she wants to stay or go, she’s already made her decisions. You’re 63 now, this is not befitting to a man your age.

You’re worried for your poor wife because her lover Got her diet pills? She slept with him for 7 years and got to lose weight with minimal effort. Stop believing she’s a victim.

Live a good life with the years you’ve got left. If you’ve got anger to deal with, direct it at the perpetrator. Your wife is the perpetrator.

I am sorry for the pain and abuse you endured at the hands of your wife, I truly sympathise with the anger and pain you have felt and are still feeling. I hope someday you will be ok. I think you will.
 

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1. Don’t you dare let her play the victim angle to mitigate/missdirect your anger and consequences. OM did not play her, she was all-in, willingly and enthusiastically.

She was not a victim and he was not a predator. That is BS so don’t let her go there, and don’t let your ego push you there either. Your wife was a full, willing and enthusiastic participant.

2. Yes, tell OM’s wife everything. Burn down his world.
But don’t let that distract you from the fact that your wife is the one you need to be focused on delivering consequences to. You should be far more concerned with burning down her world than his.
 

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He obviously wasn't the only one leading a double life.

She was an active, engaged, willing participant. She was not a puppet on a string.

I'm kind of wondering why she has told you this after all these years. What was in it for her to disclose this?

Whether to tell his wife or not is really up to you. I would bet good money she already knows. I would bet even better money she knows of many other women as well. I'm not sure telling her will have any beneficial effect for anyone but if it makes you feel better I guess there is that.
She finally told him the truth (or at least more of it) because she already knew what he essentially told us above —

He’s not going to divorce her.
 

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Some people just deserve a shallow grave, sadly that's a felony in most states.

I'd go scorched earth on the OM. The odds are it won't be a huge surprise to his wife or his children, he's probably got a history & they probably know about it.

And don't think of it as revenge, think of it as justice for yourself.

You got boned 30 years ago, there's nothing wrong with getting your own, although 30 years ago might have made more sense.

As for your wife, when she was calling herself the evil person in the affair, were those crocodile tears?

I assume you've been in Trust, but verify mode for the last 30+ years. Have there been other affairs?
 

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Should you expose this?

YES, YES, YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

What he and your wife put you through was MENTAL ABUSE of the worse kind. You have had to carry the initial knowledge with you all those years and now that has been multiplied a thousand times over so her MENTAL ABUSE continues.

This isn't revenge, IT IS A CALLING TO ACCOUNT for their actions.

As for your wife, you have made it too comfortable for her. Cut her off financially and make her beg for every last crumb.

On the other hand, you could rug sweep it all, internally absorb the hurt and resentment and just wait for that big old heart attack that will leave the Merry Widow financially secure for the rest of her life.
 

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I can't believe that people think that devastating an innocent woman, children and almost certainly grandchildren is the right thing to do here.
Op please dont set their world on fire. Despite what others say, it is revenge pure and simple. It's not becoming of any decent person to do this.
This was a long time ago, please leave it and let others live their own lives. You concentrate on yours.

Not acting badly isn't rug sweeping, it's acknowledging what has been done but being the better person and acting with wisdom and decency.

Honestly, my ex did some terrible things. I could have made his life pure hell. It just wasn't in me, what would have been the point and would it have made me a better person? Would it have changed anything for the better? Hopefully you will choose the better way.
 

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@What a fine mess

I merged your two threads into this one. It's better to have one thread for a topic. You'll get better input that way. Also, both men and women post in the two forums you posted in so you will get input from both here.
 

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I think you should perhaps focus on your own marriage and what this secret, kept for many years from you by your wife, really means for you and her. She still has somehow got you thinking that the OM is wholly responsible for her choices, which is why you want to direct your anger at him rather than the women that cheated on you for 7 years, lied and abused you about it and kept you in the dark for decades.

You need some counselling in my opinion.
 

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Your golden years have been trashed by this update, this 'fresh news'.

Telling the other man's wife would be a different sort of revenge, it would be settling 'sores'.

Your sorely wounded heart needs to heal.


You will be digesting this rotten-news sandwich until you pass on into the next world.

Why should you be the only one who is torn and unsettled?

Tell the other man's wife, let that creep also feel the pain. Let his children know also.

Ruin his golden years.


One thing, while this was going on, your wife was not only was getting plowed by another man, she talked 'at' you with disdain, she talked 'down' to you, repeatedly.


The below are your words:

"She resorted to verbal abuse to get you to back off" (on your accusations, at the time)
"She effed him for the orgasm's the man gave her!!!!" (her words)


These two reasons would force me to take action.

There is no time limit on betrayal. No statute of limitation.
No Statue of of your Liberty taking.

I would leave her, high and dry-vagina in her retirement.

If you do not divorce her, you are telling her and the rest of us that you feel responsible for her actions.
That is so wrong.
 
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