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I have been thinking about something and do not know if it is the right thing to do. My H says his affair with the OW ended at the beginning of September. There has been nothing in his behaviour since then to make me doubt that specifically, but I am still finding it difficult to trust.

For quite some time my H refused to give me full details of who the woman in question was on the basis it wouldn't help and I would only torture myself with details. But last weekend I got it out of him. I don't know her but have managed to track her down on facebook.

I have been contemplating sending her a message to ask her straight whether the affair is over. On the plus side if it is over and I hear it from her it may put my mind at rest. But on the other hand my H says she currently would not be able to contact him as she doesn't know our address or his workplace and he changed his number, plus he has a very common name which would make him difficult to track down on social media. If I contact this OW am I just opening up lines of communication and potentially putting them back in touch if she finds him again through me?........

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
 

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If you must contact her for your sanity...
Buy a burner phone and activate it in another area code. Then text her and say you are H and you got a new number. Say nothing else. See what she says back.
 

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I have been thinking about something and do not know if it is the right thing to do. My H says his affair with the OW ended at the beginning of September. There has been nothing in his behaviour since then to make me doubt that specifically, but I am still finding it difficult to trust.

For quite some time my H refused to give me full details of who the woman in question was on the basis it wouldn't help and I would only torture myself with details. But last weekend I got it out of him. I don't know her but have managed to track her down on facebook.

I have been contemplating sending her a message to ask her straight whether the affair is over. On the plus side if it is over and I hear it from her it may put my mind at rest. But on the other hand my H says she currently would not be able to contact him as she doesn't know our address or his workplace and he changed his number, plus he has a very common name which would make him difficult to track down on social media. If I contact this OW am I just opening up lines of communication and potentially putting them back in touch if she finds him again through me?........

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I would be very careful. She may lie to you to hurt you! I called the OW the day I found out and a couple of weeks later to see if i could find out the truth and later found out she lied! Would you really trust the b$&@h who was with your husband? Does the w?!$e have any morals or values that hold water? From my experience it did nothing for me.
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I'd suggest contacting her husband or BF.
Do not contact the OW. This just gives her a reason to contact your husband.

OW: " your wife called me today and said XYZ.
WS: " I'm sorry, she has no right to drag you into this.....
OW: " it's so good to hear your voice, how have you been....


See where I'm going?
 

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Hi,

I already told you in another post I contacted the OW when I had major suspicions and my H would not admit. this ONS had happened 3 years earlier....but I tracked her down, tracked her fiancé down on Facebook and had her email from old work emails on my H laptop. She told me what happened between them before he did....because she was so scared I was going to tell her fiancé....I didn't tell him, but I should have.

I also contacted another of his 3 ONS and she was very calm and calculated, didn't give me much that I could honestly say was full truth, but more made things sound not so bad....I figured just in case I posted them to her H. I found her address and sat outside her home.....I really wanted to rattle her...but she was still very calm...which got me really p1ssed off! It was my choice to tell her H, up to now I haven't but that doesn't mean I won't. Only reason I haven't is because I'm not sure what the fall out would be.

Other ONS, I know where she lives, drove there Friday, but nobody home....have attempted to message her on Facebook as I have no email for her, but she looks to have ignored and closed her account.

I don't like that these 3 married sla.gs have gotten away with what they have done....but do I want to be the person to be the messenger of such bad news? No not really for their H and children. Even though they didn't give a fiddle about me or mine.

I would try to contact OW, tell her you know what's been going on and you want her side of the story, all of it, or you will go ahead and expose to their spouse / partner.

None of the OW got in contact with my H after I did, that I am aware of....and I was very watchful of this....checking emails, phone....yeah I know about the delete button:scratchhead:

Do what sits well with you, do whatever you need to do, do what ever gets you through!
 

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Do you really think the OW cares about you? Do you really think she would tell you the truth if the affair is still on?

But if you feel you must, then contact her.

I don't think it will help you in anyway.
 

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Do you really think the OW cares about you? Do you really think she would tell you the truth if the affair is still on?

But if you feel you must, then contact her.

I don't think it will help you in anyway.
OW doesn't care about BS, for sure, but she should care about how the sh1t hits the fan when her family find out!
 

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I have been thinking about something and do not know if it is the right thing to do. My H says his affair with the OW ended at the beginning of September. There has been nothing in his behaviour since then to make me doubt that specifically, but I am still finding it difficult to trust.

For quite some time my H refused to give me full details of who the woman in question was on the basis it wouldn't help and I would only torture myself with details. But last weekend I got it out of him. I don't know her but have managed to track her down on facebook.

I have been contemplating sending her a message to ask her straight whether the affair is over. On the plus side if it is over and I hear it from her it may put my mind at rest. But on the other hand my H says she currently would not be able to contact him as she doesn't know our address or his workplace and he changed his number, plus he has a very common name which would make him difficult to track down on social media. If I contact this OW am I just opening up lines of communication and potentially putting them back in touch if she finds him again through me?........

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
No. You don't ask if if the affair is over. You tell her the affair is over, or remind her it is over. This presumes your husband gave you the right name...
 

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I have been thinking about something and do not know if it is the right thing to do. My H says his affair with the OW ended at the beginning of September. There has been nothing in his behaviour since then to make me doubt that specifically, but I am still finding it difficult to trust.

For quite some time my H refused to give me full details of who the woman in question was on the basis it wouldn't help and I would only torture myself with details. But last weekend I got it out of him. I don't know her but have managed to track her down on facebook.

I have been contemplating sending her a message to ask her straight whether the affair is over. On the plus side if it is over and I hear it from her it may put my mind at rest. But on the other hand my H says she currently would not be able to contact him as she doesn't know our address or his workplace and he changed his number, plus he has a very common name which would make him difficult to track down on social media. If I contact this OW am I just opening up lines of communication and potentially putting them back in touch if she finds him again through me?........

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Let's assume for the moment that you contact her and she tells you, yes, the affair is over. Would you believe her? I wouldn't trust the word of this woman. Words are cheap, actions tell all.
 

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Contacting the OW is worthless. What good can come of it? They will either deny, tell you it's over, or rub your face in it.

I WOULD find out if they are married or have a boyfriend and let them know. They deserve to know the truth. It isn't about getting even, it's about exposing the truth (it's vampires and sunlight time...) You aren't being slanderous or malicious, just telling the truth. If they want to know more, you give them all you have.

When your husband wants to bury this you need to ask yourself why? They WANT this to stay a secret. They WANT this to go away quietly. They will tell you it serves no purpose to drag them into YOUR marriage. But you didn't drag them in, he did. He invited her in, and she came. And with it, they both knew the possible repercussions.

I WISH(!!!) I had known about this site for my first DDay. There may have been no subsequent DDay's to follow. Unfortunately, after I found out about my wife's affair, I got a letter from my wife's OM beggin and pleading not to ruin the lives of our children as our wives and children are all in the same circles. He thanked me for how his wife would not have to walk around our small town in shame, and how his kids would not have to suffer such a great disgrace...all the while he continued with my wife. Get my drift? Had I started by exposing them, their affair may have ended right then and there.

If your spouse will lie to you so they can possibly continue the affair and avoid ramifications, would you expect less from the AP?

And if you were the OW spouse, wouldn't you want to know?
 

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Why contact her? She doesn't care about you? In fact she likely hates you.

Now if you asked "Should you contact the OMW" I would say absolutely with without hesitation.
 

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If you must contact the OW, make sure you don't seem angry, and add something along the lines of... "I can't believe he would do this to you, I've had herpes since before we married!" lol.
But on a serious note, don't come off as threatening or anything cuz she may call the cops or something and make you seem like the bad one.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thank you for all the responses. In the end I decided not to contact the OW. Everything I know of her tells me that she had no morals or concerns about being with another woman's H. I think those who suggested she wouldn't be truthful are probably right.
I know she had a long term partner who she told my H she had ended it with once she knew he had confessed part of what had happened to me. - she clearly thought they would be together! I suspect she probably went back to him once it became clear she hadn't got her way. Now if I ever find out who he is I wouldn't hesitate to tell him so the poor guy doesn't marry her or something.
 
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