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My wife had an affair 3 years ago. I found out about it in 2010 when I saw some texts in a secret email account to a young guy she new from golfing, but my wife convinced me it was an EA and that it was over. I believed her, thinking it was a MLC (my wife was 45 at the time, her abusive (to her Mom) Dad had just died and she was deathly afraid of aging). She promised NC, deleted her Gmail account, and deleted her facebook account - gave me her BB password (which I never used, but had). We tried reconciling, but there was always something distant about my wife - like she was hiding something. We never re-connected emotionally. Now, 3 years later we are separated and my wife finally admitted that it was actually a physical affair for the summer of 2009 ending Nov 2009, following the EA that began in 2008 (including texting sexual fantasies to each other). She admitted this 1 week after leaving our house.

The OM is now married and has a 1 year old child. In 2009, he cheated on his fiance with my wife (who is 13 years older than him) - he also had a girlfriend at the time of the EA and was just divorced from his first wife (leaving a 1 year old and a 3 year old).

My wife kept this secret and even her closest friends did not know about it. She poisoned our relationship protecting this secret and is now living the life of a single - dating mere days after leaving (still chasing guys 10 - 15 years younger). She knows she needs help and is in IC - but we are finished. It is like she had two personalities and the Wayward personality has now taken over. She is living in full fantasy mode. Needless to say, my kids (two) and I are having a hard time coping (my kids are coping better than me).

I know I should just let it go, but now that I know that this guy had a physical affair with my wife (while cheating on his ex wife at the beginning of the EA and then juggling a girlfriend, my wife, and his fiance towards the end). He would meet my wife in the BASEMENT of his grandfather's house - which is where he lived after splitting from his first wife. My wife was not even worth a hotel. It's pathetic to think about how my wife lowered herself and her self worth to that point and threw away a long-term marriage for a fantasy. It makes me sick.

At this point I do not see my wife and I reconciling. I can forgive the affair, but I cannot see forgiving the years of lying. I am dying to contact the OM and let him know what I think. I also found his Dad so would copy him as well. I know I shouldn't lower myself to do this, but it would be satisfying and might help me to bring closure to this. Right now, thinking of this guy, new baby - probably cheating on his new wife, using my wife for free golf and free sex is keeping me awake at night. My wife is responsible too, but I can't let go of the idea to contact this guy.

Should I?
 

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I'm sure his wife would appreciate knowing what type of guy she married. It's probable that he's still cheating on her and could be breaking up more marriages. If you have proof, talk to the wife of the OM - not him. Then she can decide if she still wants to stay with him or not. However, be prepared if the OM lashes out in an unpredictable way.
 

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Thanks Plan 9.

I don't know his wife - don't even know her name - just know that he is married with a 1 year old. I have his email as well as his Dad's email because they are part of a golfing group that my friend organizes. That, unfortunately, is how my wife met this jerk years ago. I was just too naive and trusting.... some would say "stupid".

Our 25 anniversary would have been in 11 days....
 

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If you tell anyone tell the OMW she deserves to know who she married. You could be doing her a favor. For all you know she might have doubts about the OM. If he was honorable ( gag) he would have revealed his shameful past to her before marriage.
 

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I don't see the point. You're separated from your wife, time to start moving on.
I know you're right, but can't shake the feeling that exposing this jerk would help me to move on. A lot of my friends say the same thing - if it wasn't him, it would have been somebody else. But this guy (from all accounts) is almost like a sociopath when it comes to women. My wife was just one more conquest for him.

My wife is attractive and I am sure he thinks he bagged a cougar - just one more notch in his belt. Whereas I am living the reality - with two kids living at home who miss their Mom. I know that we were having a rough patch during her affair (at the time they met we were married 20 years with two young kids (age 9 and 7). I was busy being a Dad, busy at work - she was under a lot of family and work stress too. We were in MC at the time. Then when he started flirting with her, it was like a switch turned off - and she's been gone ever since.

I know I should just move on and take the high road - but can't let go. And I can't let go of the idea that contacting this jerk will help bring closure.
 

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Try to find who his wife is, whether through google, Facebook or white pages. Spill your gut to her and watch the fireworks go off.
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Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.

C
 

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Me personally- I'd go nuclear on him. I have an issue with people acting poorly and not being held accountable.

I'd tell anyone who I could. I called my OMW, his HR dept, his parents. He F-ing hates me and is afraid of what else i might do.
 

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Try to find who his wife is, whether through google, Facebook or white pages. Spill your gut to her and watch the fireworks go off.
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yes. expose this parasite to the OMW and post him at cheaterville.com
Im going thru the same with my wife and her MLC
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My suggestion:

1. Post the OM on cheaterville.com
2. Tell his wife the truth of her cheating husband
3. Post your completely unremorseful wife on cheaterville too.
4. Realize the reason you are here today and why your wife never reconnected these past 3 years is that she was likely still cheating.
 

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Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.

C
Telling the. Truth is not hurting someone else in cases like this. This POS ruined this mans marriage and the family and future of his kids.

Telling the truth is what is right here.
 

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Trying to make yourself feel better by hurting someone else rarely results in feeling better longterm. But do what you need to do to try to heal yourself. Just try to keep your expectations reasonable.

C
The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?
 

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The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?
Honestly, it is more about revenge and feeling like exposing him and letting him know that there are consequences to his screwing around. That's why I am a little conflicted about this. Most of my buddies are telling me to just let it go - but I'm almost obsessing about this.

And the reality is I don't know his wife, have no way to contact her. And their surname is very common.

I'm going to sit on it for a while - seeing my IC tomorrow too - so maybe I'll get a different perspective. Not like it's a rush since the affair happened in 2009 ending sometime around Nov/Dec/Jan 2010. I know the guy got married in March 2010.

I just think I would get some satisfaction from doing it - but not sure if it's worth it.
 

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The OP may want to expose him because it could be his revenge. But, it would be doing a service to the wife of the OM who may be living in ignorance of her H's bad behavior. She deserves to know, don't you think?
My comment was based only on the OP's recovery. If he was doing it to help out the omw, no problem. Knock yourself out. But his purpose in doing it seems primarily to hurt someone else, and that's not likely to make him feel better in the long run. It most likely wont hurt him, but as I said, I wouldn't count on it making a big improvement. I was merely cautioning him on expecting that he could do this and then he could move on with his life.

C
 

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Confronting him might be good for you. If you can do it without violence. Sometimes just telling him what a POS he is will make you feel better. If you feel like you have been a doormat this could be a way for you to get back some sense of assertiveness.

Exposing for revenge is not going to make you feel better. Exposing to his wife for moral reasons is a good reason. She was being cheated on while engaged to him. I think she has a right to know. Though it has been a few years so the question is going to be why now. Since you just found out it was a PA it makes sense to tell her now. But she may react badly to you, so be aware and prepared if that happens.
 

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It isn't worth it and it won't make you feel better.

Look at it this way, he brought out the truth about wife, let it go.
 
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