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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My question is should I cease all contact with a married but separated woman I have been dating for the last 15 months while she is going through counseling with her husband?
Or do I still keep in touch such as emails, text maybe even occasional phone calls?

We are no longer together, we broke up, well she broke up w/ me 2 weeks ago. So no more intimacy, dates, etc.

I agreed that I wouldn’t move on with anybody else and wait for her to go through this process by stepping out the picture, but that I would still be here waiting for her. I did this because I am confident that this will not result in reconciliation with her husband and she will finally be able to get past that mental hurdle of completing the divorce.
I believe this because she still loves me, I love her, we have a great relationship and the reason that she is even considering counseling has nothing to do with love or wanting to be with him, its mainly guilt because he wont let go and that she has some sense of obligation to the marriage no matter if she is unhappy. I was there many years ago and I know that isnt a recipe for a successful reconciliation.

The reason she is going to counseling is that her husband was pushing for it and is refusing to get divorced.

She does want to divorce and move on with me but she feels guilty pursuing it with her husband fighting it all the way. She already has the feeling of a failure and for breaking up a family (6 year old son) to add to the guilt.

I don’t want to get in the way of this process and want her to be clear headed when she eventually has to make her decision as to divorce or not. I want her back with a guilt free mind who is finally at ease at moving forward in life with me.

So, with that additional insight, what should I do?
 

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Honestly? Stay the fvck out of it! Until it's over.

As a man who had OM take his wife... with a 3 yo daughter.

I understand you may not be the reason for her leaving her husband, but come on... any SENSIBLE person wouldn't stand in the way.

She knows you're there. Don't contact her. At all.

If /when she's ready for you, she'll come to you.

For you to even consider / be there with that woman, IMO... shows no honor! If she was to wake up, she'd think the same thing "Wow, he was banging me while I was trying to work on things with my husband, why should I trust he won't walk out on me?"

But, just as that can be said about you, it can be said about her too! If she's banging you while she's "Working on her marriage" what makes you think she won't do it to you?
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I dont quite understand your response. Here is more insight.

She separated from her husband 2 years ago.
There was no reconciliation going on this whole time, just separation.

9 months after she separated we met.
We had been dating for the last 15 months (until 2 weeks ago).

She began the process of divorce 2 months ago.
This is when the husband began pushing for counseling.
This is when we began having problems.

She agreed to go to counseling to help her get through this and possibly help him move on.
But, I know there is a possibility that she’ll decide to reconcile.
I also know that if she does it will be because of guilt, a sense of obligation to the marriage and because she just wont be strong enough to break it off with her husband fighting it.

So there is no lack of honor or distrust here.
 

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My question is should I cease all contact with a married but separated woman I have been dating for the last 15 months while she is going through counseling with her husband?
DISGUSTING :mad:

You know why ? Because dating you may "help " her divorce her hubby !
Something you should NOT be involved at any means !! Period !


She began the process of divorce 2 months ago.
This is when the husband began pushing for counseling.
This is when we began having problems.

She agreed to go to counseling to help her get through this and possibly help him move on.
But, I know there is a possibility that she’ll decide to reconcile.
I also know that if she does it will be because of guilt, a sense of obligation to the marriage and because she just wont be strong enough to break it off with her husband fighting it

Haven't seen such a c0cky and arr0gant ba$tard for awhile !

Who the he11 you think you are ?

If she R with her hubby means she is STRONG enough to recognize her faults and even STRONGER person by dumping an a$$hole like you !
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Honestly? Stay the fvck out of it! Until it's over.
I am staying out of it, but im asking to want extent? Complete no contact or some contact such as emails, text, phone calls, etc?

We broke up and are no longer involved intimately.

I don’t want to screw up their process.

I fully expect for this to end in her finally being able to get divorce and move on with me. Its what she wants and I want.

I am asking more from a marriage counseling perspective, is having ANY contact detrimental to that process. Its not a full counseling for reconciliation of the two. They don’t have 2 parties that are asking for the marriage to be saved. Its 1 party that wants that and the other that wants to be able to transition out of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
DISGUSTING :mad:

You know why ? Because dating you may "help " her divorce her hubby !
Something you should NOT be involved at any means !! Period !





Haven't seen such a c0cky and arr0gant ba$tard for awhile !
I am sorry as it coming off as arrogant but I am just providing the accurate details of the situation.

Again, separation there was no reconciliation.

She moved forward to divorce that is when her husband pushed for counseling.

Now that she will begin counseling we are not together.

She doesn’t want to reconcile. She does want to move on me. But not with her husband fighting it.

These are just the accurate details of this situation.
 

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Stratos --

This is just weird. Unless your GF and her STBX are in counseling specifically designed to get them to work out an amicable co-parenting agreement, it seems insane that she has agreed to MC at all.

I can understand having her go to individual counseling, having her ex go to IC, have their kid go to family therapy. But MC together, given that they've been living apart for 2 years and she has a 15 month long committed relationship with you?

I think I would go dark on her. It seems to me that there are either some real issues that she needs to work through (in which case she needs time to herself), or she is not respecting the relationship that the two of you have by renewing contact with her STBX. In that case you need to think about your boundaries -- is it okay for her to talk to her ex about *anything* that isn't directly related to her child or to the nuts and bolts of the divorce? If not, then it seems that you say to her "if you are going to rehash your relationship with your ex and go through counseling in which reconciliation is a possibility, then I can't see you during that process. Doing so undermines both our relationship and the effectiveness of your MC. Let me know when your divorce is finalized."

And yes, it isn't just not being intimate with her, going dark means no contact.
 

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She does want to divorce and move on with me but she feels guilty pursuing it with her husband fighting it all the way.
This is cake eating BS by her. Two years? Guilt? If she wanted out, she could be out by now.

I am asking more from a marriage counseling perspective, is having ANY contact detrimental to that process.
Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?

You need to cut all contact. Tell her to call you when and if she ever divorces.
 

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I would stay out of it completely. Do not get into any emotional conversations with her. Especially about her therapy sessions and husband. She may be looking for someone to talk to about what is going on in counseling and any emotional connection like that can gum up the process. On the flip side if she seriously doesn't plan on this counseling leading anywhere she shouldn't be leading her ex on simply to make her feel better.

I personally would explain that you don't want to be a undue influence on her in this process and leave contact to a very minimum at best. Preferably no contact.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You need to stop all contact and leave them alone. If she gets a divorce she will look you up and you can get married. You can then see how it feels about 5 years later when your getting screwed over:D
I don’t think the other guy in this case is getting “screwed over”. I don’t think she has done anything wrong unless falling out of love with her husband of 10 years and leaving a marriage that she was miserable in.

She was married, separated after years of unhappiness and then pursued divorced.
No infidelity. No wrongdoing on either end.

Now, even though she doesn’t want to reconcile and wants to divorce, she is agreeing to counseling for him.

The person that would be getting screwed is her if she agrees to reconcile. She’ll be unhappy to be in a loveless marriage with someone she doesn’t want to be with and he would get what he wants by having his wife back.

The way she has handled it reinforces my belief in how good of a person she is.
 

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Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?

Here we go , that is exactly what he is asking !

@Stratos , by doing this you're showing her how low lever loser you're !

By disrespecting her hubby you're disrespecting her too !

You know what will happen ? As soon as she find a better one she'll dump you and leave you crying like a wussy !

Or she may understood already what for lusa you're , and is why she is thinking of R !
 

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It probably doesn't matter what you do.

1) If she goes into councelling thinking it won't ... it WON'T

2) No matter how you feel about her, the chances that it will last is slim. You are just a transition person. Statistics proove this.

3) If she is seeing you before the divorce is final, then she would do that to you too.

Run..Run Fast!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I would stay out of it completely. Do not get into any emotional conversations with her. Especially about her therapy sessions and husband. She may be looking for someone to talk to about what is going on in counseling and any emotional connection like that can gum up the process. On the flip side if she seriously doesn't plan on this counseling leading anywhere she shouldn't be leading her ex on simply to make her feel better.

I personally would explain that you don't want to be a undue influence on her in this process and leave contact to a very minimum at best. Preferably no contact.
Thank you for being respectful and rational in your response. This is what I am looking for.

And this is also what I was thinking but last night she text me with a very message. More a just fun hello. I responded with a light hearted response and that was it.

With this happening is why I am asking how to handle this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
This is cake eating BS by her. Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?

You need to cut all contact. Tell her to call you when and if she ever divorces.
What is wrong with you guys on here? It seems like most of you guys are jaded.

I stated in my post, emails, texts and maybe phone calls..just that...we are no longer intimately involved nor is that what I am looking to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
It probably doesn't matter what you do.

1) If she goes into councelling thinking it won't ... it WON'T

2) No matter how you feel about her, the chances that it will last is slim. You are just a transition person. Statistics proove this.

3) If she is seeing you before the divorce is final, then she would do that to you too.

Run..Run Fast!!
Thank you for what I believe to be your honest opinion. You might be right.
 

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I dont quite understand your response. Here is more insight.

She separated from her husband 2 years ago.
There was no reconciliation going on this whole time, just separation.

9 months after she separated we met.
We had been dating for the last 15 months (until 2 weeks ago).

She began the process of divorce 2 months ago.
This is when the husband began pushing for counseling.
This is when we began having problems.

She agreed to go to counseling to help her get through this and possibly help him move on.
But, I know there is a possibility that she’ll decide to reconcile.
I also know that if she does it will be because of guilt, a sense of obligation to the marriage and because she just wont be strong enough to break it off with her husband fighting it.

So there is no lack of honor or distrust here.
She has been with you for 15 months, but chose to break up with you to go to counseling and try to reconcile with her husband?

If she loved you, she wouldn't bother with the reconciliation attempt. She is feeding you a line. The only reason she didn't tell you it is over 'forever' is because she wants you there as a backup plan if the reconciliation doesn't work.

How is that ... the OM is the backup plan! First I have seen of this.
 

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Wow, a lot of people triggering big time... Stratos, some people feel that being separated is the same as being married, so seeing someone while you're separated is cheating.

I've been separated for almost two years, and I've been seeing someone for most of that time. The big difference between myself and your lady friend is that my wife and I haven't spoken one word of reconciliation or counseling or anything.

Personally, in your case I would likely ask her what she wants. Let her drive the amount of communication. But you should also keep in mind the possibility/probability of her getting back with her husband and making another go of it. I wouldn't make any promises that you'll be there when she finishes whatever she needs to do with her husband.

C
 
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