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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
You can read in my other thread how both my wife and I had a bout with infidelity in:


Well, she swears that she didn't have sex with the guy, but I know that she went to his hotel room. Furthermore, she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal so part of me feels like she is still omitting information. I am thinking about calling the "other man" to verify some information about the extent of the relationship and particularly this detail of whether or not they engaged in sex. However, I am not sure it is such a good idea. Should I just have the attitude that I will never know? Should I just assume the worst that she is lying and that she really did have sex with him but still work on the marriage? Or should I just call the guy and ask him in a relatively nonaggressive way?

I don't know what to do. I just feel like if the wife and I are going to stay in this marriage then we both deserve 100% unfettered honesty about what happened before. Otherwise what confidence do I have there will be 100% honesty later on? Please advise...thanks...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It wouldn't do a whole lot of good to contact the OM. You'll get about as much information out of him as what you get out of your wife. Contact his wife. You'll get a lot further!
The man she was cheating with was himself going through a separation/divorce.

So should I just assume the worst or that I will never know if she had sex with him? Am I just mind-phucking myself?
 

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From my experience, you will never get an honest answer from either of them. The "mind-phucking" is definitely the hard part for a betrayed spouse. Do you know for certain that the OM and his wife are separated/divorcing? Or is that something your wife is telling you? I think I would still let the wife know.
 

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Why would she go to his hotel room? If you go to a hotel room for any other reason but sex then you are weird...

Whether she did or did not have sex, the reason she went to his hotel room was with that in mind... You need to demand 100% honesty. If you cant believe her, it will tear your marriage apart and any hope for R is impossible... Have her take a polygraph... Or at least threaten her with one...
 

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From my experience, you will never get an honest answer from either of them. The "mind-phucking" is definitely the hard part for a betrayed spouse. Do you know for certain that the OM and his wife are separated/divorcing? Or is that something your wife is telling you? I think I would still let the wife know.
I agree with this action. If your told the otehr guys is getting a divorce it could be that your W is telling you complete lies to detract you from any action. On the other hand if he is getting a divorce and hes been playing the field before the other wife may want some evidence that supports her present case. Id then let her know so it can be used. I suppose OM's wife didnt know anything then at least she'll see her H for what he is and you'll get some of the answers your looking for.
 

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If she went to his hotel room, she had sex with him. Accept that as the truth. Therefore she is lying to you.

Calling him is weak. OM will probably lie to you and think you are a chump if you believe him. (They've already arranged their stories together anyhow.) He'd only tell you if he was pissed at her.

The only good thing to do with an OM is expose him (you're not sure he's going through a divorce, and if he is, it doesn't matter; the point is to shame him and send him packling). Personally I would threaten to kick his ass if he contacts your wife or accepts contact from her. Don't take the high road with OM. They deserve nothing less than your contempt.
 

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They had sex. No woman goes to a hotel room with a guy to watch the free HBO. She knows this too, she went there to have sex.

Calling him is total waste of time. He won't tell you the truth, he will see you as some crazy husband that might be looking to come after him for banging your wife. Do you really think he's gonna admit it?

The only way you are going to know is a polygraph.
 

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Your relationship with you wife is terrible and from what I read in your other thread, she's the primary cause of it. She's nit putting effort or passion into it. You are starved for affection and it uneven drove you to cheat. Yes, that's a horrible choice you made and its clear you know it.

Your wife however is not making you are the marriage a priority. Her actions frankly at the moment seem more like someone still in the affair and still hoping to be with the OM.

My worry here is that very best you are going to achieve here is to return your marriage back to the status quo before you cheated.

She seems primed to either continue/resume the affair with the OM or potentially find an new OM.

She's dragging her feat, she's trickle try thing and denying, and her attitude toward you is poor.

These are not the actions of a spouse trying to work on the marriage.
 

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The truth is they had sex. It hard to deal with that..I know I did. Lie detector is a total waste of time. She will deny it and say the detector is wrong. Just make up your mind. Is she worth it? Trust will take a very long time to get back. Things will never be the same again. But they can be better.
I say call his wife NOW. Protect your marriage. If she sees him again they are going to go at it..again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly how the message was conveyed.
 

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...you will never get an honest answer from either of them. "
No truer words could have ever been said.

Although my STBXW literally logged in thousands of cell-phone minutes/texts with her OM, greatly compared to only a scant few with me as her H; and given that a lot of those call/text times were occurring in the wee hours of the morning while I was sleeping in our bedroom alone, or just away from home; if querried about that marked abnormality, she would look you in the eye and just say that all of those calls/texts were strictly "business related."

Now I don't really know if she could ever look a judge or a jury in the eye and tell them that, but everyone else, including your's truly, would be lied to and richly played for a fool!
 

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I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly how the message was conveyed.
I will tell you that I talked to one of the former OM of my WW, hopefully my experience can save you the same pain and realization. If he was having an A with your wife, #1 he isn't a real man like you seem to be. You are not on a level playing field so to speak. While you would be honest, you are dealing with a liar and a cheat. He will blame shift to your wife, he might brag about what they did not do, just to turn the knife in your guts, or he may may lie about what they did do running scared from the truth he helped create.

I realized very late in the process to trust the advice given here. It's like there is a Cheater / liar handbook somewhere, even though we all realize there isn't. If she said they kissed, they had sex (cheater code). If she tells you you know all that she does, she isn't being honest with you. There are very few truly remorseful WS, who have the strength to empathize with the pain of the partner they espouse to love enough to bare their souls and beg for forgiveness.

It sucks, but there it is. If she went to his hotel room, your gut tells you and so have many here what happened. Accept it and deal with it however you have to, we are all different.

I wish you peace.
 

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I contacted them all, started with a text to them, one I talked to directly. All but one was respectful, I didn't ask for details from the one guy she had sex with other than how many times (once) how did it start etc, the others with the sexting I just confirmed that there was no contact. It is easy to do I played it off to them that she had told me everything and I was just confirming her info. I did learn a few things she hadn't told me but mostly I wanted to let them know that I wasn't a ghost but a real person with kids and they were partly responsible for the turmoil that has happened to my marriage and my family. Did I get all the answers I wanted and was it all the truth? probably not but in this day where you can't put your hands on anyone without getting sued at least I looked them in the eye(so to speak) and said my peace.
The only advice I could give is to write down anything you want to say or text rehearse it, and be prepared for him to be rude, if you find yourself getting upset stay calm and end contact don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to you. Texting helped no direct words.
 

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You can read in my other thread how both my wife and I had a bout with infidelity in:


Well, she swears that she didn't have sex with the guy, but I know that she went to his hotel room. Furthermore, she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal so part of me feels like she is still omitting information. I am thinking about calling the "other man" to verify some information about the extent of the relationship and particularly this detail of whether or not they engaged in sex. However, I am not sure it is such a good idea.

1. Should I just have the attitude that I will never know?

2. Should I just assume the worst that she is lying and that she really did have sex with him but still work on the marriage?

3. Or should I just call the guy and ask him in a relatively nonaggressive way?


NONE OF THE ABOVE. You should tell your wife that "she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal" and, therefore, I refuse to remain married under these circumstances. Either you give me a story that makes sense or I file for divorce.

I don't know what to do. I just feel like if the wife and I are going to stay in this marriage then we both deserve 100% unfettered honesty about what happened before. Otherwise what confidence do I have there will be 100% honesty later on? Please advise...thanks...
 

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I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly how the message was conveyed.
Have her tell him again. This time, she handwrites a no contact letter stating that she is horribly ashamed of her behavior and she must have been out of her mind for having anything to do with him when her husband is so much superior to him, that she doesn't want him to contact her ever again, and that if he does she will consider it harassment and file charges against him. Then she gives the letter to you, you read it, make a copy, and you send it certified mail to the other man.

As far as you contacting him "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again, how do you think that conversation will go? I can give you several examples, here is one:

YOU: I wanted to talk to you man-to-man, don't ever contact my wife again.

HIM: Fvck you. I'll contact her whenever I want. She is the one who pursued me anyway. She told me you have a small dck and you never satisfied her.

YOU: ???

What do you say to that? You going to fight him? Go to jail? For what? Your cheating slvt of a wife?

If you want this to end, your wife is the only one who can end it.
 

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I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again?
I would normally agree with the others and tell you not to call, but you need to see if you can get more information from him. You should call him and bluff. Tell him that your wife has told you everything and that you called him to ask if he felt guilty having sex with another man's wife? After you ask this question say nothing as you wait for his answer. Let him be the one to break the silence first even if the silence is for a long time and feels awkward. In sales they say to ask a closing question and then shut up, he who speaks first loses.

Do not tell him to leave your wife alone. Nothing is more pathetic than asking another man to please stop f*cking your wife.
 

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Read your screen name. Follow it if she's not willing to give you what you need.
 

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I would normally agree with the others and tell you not to call, but you need to see if you can get more information from him. You should call him and bluff. Tell him that your wife has told you everything and that you called him to ask if he felt guilty having sex with another man's wife? After you ask this question say nothing as you wait for his answer. Let him be the one to break the silence first even if the silence is for a long time and feels awkward. In sales they say to ask a closing question and then shut up, he who speaks first loses.

Do not tell him to leave your wife alone. Nothing is more pathetic than asking another man to please stop f*cking your wife.
This is the way to do it if you do call.

But no matter what the other man says, your wife can just say other man is lying.

She told you she met him in a hotel and didn't have sex with him. And the way she said it was not like she knew how unbelievable it sounds, she said it like it was the most normal thing in the world, to meet another man at a hotel, get a room, and not have sex.

If she can claim with straight face that they met at a hotel, rented a room, and did not have sex (or even try), then telling you other man is lying will be a piece of cake for her.

Wife to OM: Want to meet up and talk?

OM: Yeah, where do you want to meet? The coffee shop? The diner?

Wife: No, let's get a room at a hotel.
 
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