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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All - been a while since I've been on TAM, but here goes. Separated from my H last March. Met a guy beginning of June, slept with him one week later and we've been seeing each other ever since.

My teenage daughter and I moved two months after he and I started dating and at the same time, he lost his apartment. We considered moving in together, but I felt it was too soon. He found a room to rent but spent pretty much every night at my house anyway.

At the end of 3 months, I started having my doubts about whether I was really ready to get into a relationship - if I'd given myself time to get over the marriage, but because he's such a great guy and we get along so well, I kept pushing my doubts aside. He lost his job at the end of October and continued to rent his room but was running out of money. In January I decided to bite the bullet and invite him to live with me for real.

At the end of January, I realized that the doubts that kept creeping up really affected our relationship; that I still had feelings for my ex; that I'm down on romantic love in general; that I'm not sure who I am or what I want. It felt like it wasn't fair anymore to "pretend" to be in a committed relationship when I didn't really feel it.

So, last week I told my BF that I don't love him like a girlfriend should and gave him a month to move out. It has hurt him deeply and now I'm faced with the possibility of losing him forever, which I actually don't want to do. He is really good to me, we get along great, we are able to communicate really well - in short, he is the best man I've ever been with and there is a part of me that thinks I'm stupid to push him away.

Thoughts anyone? How do I navigate this? How do I give myself the space I need to REALLY get over my divorce and not lose someone who could potentially be a great partner?
 

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Hi firebelly - Lots of people advise not "jumping into" a new realtionship too quickly, and moving in together may have been too much too soon. Can you envision a scenario where he would move out, but the two of you continue an exclusive relationship? This way you would have a steady boyfriend, but have your own space with the boundaries you need to heal and re-establish your identity. I would not allow money to be the deciding factor when it comes to living together, e.g. he has to be able to provide for himself in order to have self respect, and for you to respect him.

What do you think? How do you feel about his being unemployed?

Also, do you know what is happening with your nearly one year long separation? Is it headed for divorce, do you think?

Best Wishes, - A12
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Ah...bless you for being balanced and open minded. Yes. I would like a scenario in which he moves out but we keep seeing each other. He started a new job today.

The divorce is not final for financial reasons (mostly.) My ex was the one who initiated the divorce. I was ready to let it go but I was the one in the marriage always trying to make things work and thinking if only this thing or that thing were fixed, we'd be fine.

The ex is lonely, continually telling me how much he's realized about himself, apologizing, telling me how he didn't appreciate me enough, but saying a few times that he doesn't want to get back together with me. I still love him. Part of me knows we aren't good together, but there's still part of me that is having a hard time letting him go.
 

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Hi All - been a while since I've been on TAM, but here goes. Separated from my H last March. Met a guy beginning of June, slept with him one week later and we've been seeing each other ever since.

My teenage daughter and I moved two months after he and I started dating and at the same time, he lost his apartment. We considered moving in together, but I felt it was too soon. He found a room to rent but spent pretty much every night at my house anyway.

At the end of 3 months, I started having my doubts about whether I was really ready to get into a relationship - if I'd given myself time to get over the marriage, but because he's such a great guy and we get along so well, I kept pushing my doubts aside. He lost his job at the end of October and continued to rent his room but was running out of money. In January I decided to bite the bullet and invite him to live with me for real.

At the end of January, I realized that the doubts that kept creeping up really affected our relationship; that I still had feelings for my ex; that I'm down on romantic love in general; that I'm not sure who I am or what I want. It felt like it wasn't fair anymore to "pretend" to be in a committed relationship when I didn't really feel it.

So, last week I told my BF that I don't love him like a girlfriend should and gave him a month to move out. It has hurt him deeply and now I'm faced with the possibility of losing him forever, which I actually don't want to do. He is really good to me, we get along great, we are able to communicate really well - in short, he is the best man I've ever been with and there is a part of me that thinks I'm stupid to push him away.

Thoughts anyone? How do I navigate this? How do I give myself the space I need to REALLY get over my divorce and not lose someone who could potentially be a great partner?

Good things that happen that often. Good men are not that common either!

That being said, I think you should give him a chance, but live separately. You seem to have ambivalent feelings about him. And that way you could make sense of what you are feeling without loosing him permanently.
 
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