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Should i be worried my wife wants to put money aside for herself only.

11K views 129 replies 37 participants last post by  Ladyrare 
#1 ·
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?
 
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#2 ·
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?
Tell her you'll do the same thing. That way you both have money that you're not accountable to each other for a certain sum of money.
 
#3 ·
I am a great believer in joint accounts in marriage, but if she insists on this then tell her that you will put the same amount away in an account in your name only. Also say that you want openess in this so you can both see each others statements etc
Have you sat her down and asked her why she has decided to do this?
Oh and why do you go to separate gyms?
 
#20 ·
I agree with @Rus47 that something has happened recently to change the dynamics of the relationship or her feelings for you. To me the working out for hours at a separate gym is suspect. Just because she has a female trainer doesn’t mean other guys are not coming on to her.

Also, why is it that she has access to all of your money and business accounts but you don’t have access to her phone? Does she have access to your phone? My wife and I have access to each other’s phones and have always had joint accounts. I make much more than my wife but have always thought of it as our money.

I can partially understand that her parents going through a divorce may have caused her to think about this but you work together and have a this is our money attitude and prove it with her complete access to all of your accounts. It doesn’t sound like her mother worked which is not her situation. The “family “ courts always make sure a divorcing wife gets awarded cash and prizes anyway. You better do some digging. Something doesn’t smell right.
 
#31 ·
she gave me the password once or twice, but i just dont remember it. she knows my password, its our wedding date.... easy to remember.
and correct her dad is a shark, her mom worked in the family business, had a HUGE shopping problem and i mean huge - she would spend like 12 hours at the mall at a time... so the family cut her off from the funds and gave her a budget.

as for the gym, my gym is mostly old people honestly its more like a country club, ive been going to gyms my whole life and never "hooked" with anyone from the gym, but i can see what you mean. i just take my workouts very seriously i go to the gym with 1 goal > to improve myself and release stress. my mom is a personal trainer i grew up from birth into this kind of environment.
 
#21 ·
I'm kind of conflicted on this subject, but won't rehash all the advice and opinions already given.

The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?

If she was up to no good couldn't she have been cycling money into a private account for years? And if she is planning a divorce she already has access to plenty of money now and likely will get 50% of all assets if you divorce.

If her plan is to divorce why show her hand early? That wouldn't be very smart in my book. And finally if she wants a divorce it's going to happen regardless of her having a separate account or not.

I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.
 
#35 ·
The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?
correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.
thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.
 
#25 ·
I would personally be surprised if my wife suddenly wanted an account for herself. I've never, ever stopped her from buying whatever she wants. She and I have equal access to all of our accounts. It would feel very strange that she would want an account she only had access to. There would need to be a strong compelling reason.

It sounds like a slippery slope. If she has her own, then I'll have my own. Up till now it has always be ours, not mine or hers. Why would we do something that separates us in someway, even if just in a bank account.

Is she going to start paying bills out of her money? Has she told you point blank that she wants this incase you divorce her?
 
#26 ·
The OP needs to examine the situation in its entirety.
While the wife wanting to set money aside without context could be troubling; the fact that she is doing it as a response to her mother undergoing a divorce without resources is understandable. If the OP was understanding about it, kept an open mind about it and was supportive, he might find that he could (or would) strengthen his marriage in the process.
There is nothing wrong (within reason) for spouses to have a "Kitty" of there own for emergencies, presents for their husband/wife, etc. In our marriage, we have that even though I control the lions share of funds due to my wife's demonstrated gross financial irresponsibility. Nothing wrong with that as long as the situation is transparent and goes both ways.
I'd be more concerned with the Gym situation, frankly.
 
#28 ·
You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.
 
#32 ·
You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.
her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.
 
#36 ·
Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.
 
#40 ·
Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.
the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours.
Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not.


as for the "threat" she would not give me a reason, that's when i got angry and said those things. only after that did she try to explain, but its not a good reason in my book, her mom got the house - a 3 million house. so.... id say any person would be happy with that.

i grew up from nothing, really nothing... so yes when she spends something stupid i do sometimes say something about it rarely tho. for example i get tons of gift cards from using credit card points(thousands of$ a month), so when she buys something with money that we could have used a gift card i ask her why didnt we use a gift card? its just sitting there....

and i do critic friends of mine that buy 2000$ bag or a 14000 watch, even tho i have the money i still have that feeling inside of me that will forever remember the kid who didnt have money to buy food.
 
#39 ·
I think you need to protect yourself. Now. Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.
 
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#42 ·
i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.

maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.
 
#44 ·
thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.
 
#49 ·
thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.
3. The money you set aside would be counted as an asset in the event of a divorce, so its' a awash in that sense.
I only suggest doing that to bring peace to her mind.
 
#50 ·
What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?
 
#55 ·
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?
Make sure you do the same. My wife and I only put our own money aside for things each others birthday anniversary and Christmas gifts. And we give our selves a allowance for things we want to get. If this is a new thing that suggests big problems to me like she’s checking out of the marriage
 
#56 ·
At what point will she feel comfortable that she has enough of "her" money? Does she have a goal, just sky's the limit?

Although odd behavior to me, I think she is being effected by her parents divorce. It has probably shaken her faith in the permanence of marriage. Have you done anything to encourage that thought, beyond the current disagreements?
 
#60 ·
You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.
 
#63 ·
yes i did build this business, and yes i am registered as the only owner, however she gets more $$ out of it then me. and the job we trained her to do, she can do with me or without. its a job that can makes easy 6 figures working at your own time at your own pace, now compare that to a job that makes 20-30k a year. i told her go do something useful something you WANT TO DO regardless to money. as said above she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go take the course and volunteer if you must. but dont take on a job that you dont want, that will just make us spend more $$ for nothing. i gave her MY ADVICE i did not block anything.
 
#75 ·
If you agree to both put some money aside, the same amount in each account, then got for it. It does seem odd when you are so very well off that she would need to do it but as long as you are both open about it with each other and how much you have in there, then it could work.
 
#78 ·
Nick,

You wrote,

she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.

My experience with "trainers" at gyms is that they are narcissistic individuals who are in the job because it gives them ample opportunity to work on their own physiques. However it's not the kind of profession where they become wealthy enough to buy the kind of status goods they think they deserve, so they are always hungry for more. To keep getting paid they need to ply their clients with complements and they get good at it, and good at identifying rich ones. So they keep weak emotion affairs, EAs, simmering on the back burner with multiple clients.

There is also the issue of inappropriate touching that they do with their clients under the guise of helping them perform an exercise, which I don't see them doing with really old clients.

Does your W text this woman frequently or give her life advice. Is the trainer divorced or unattached, what do you know about her.

Did your sex life change suddenly or gradually or become less passionate or romantic.

I would guess your W is attached to this trainer and hence her need to follow her, gender matters less for EAs.

I once saw a letter on the wall at my gym from a client of a male trainer praising him to high heaven, the letter ended with her saying the trainer was her best friend but he didn't know it.

Please don't say you would want your W to have an affair with this trainer, most affairs result in your spouse abandoning you emotionally, financially and physically, and are complete nightmares.
 
#82 ·
hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).

but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back

maybe i should change gyms as some said before just to see her reaction.

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.
 
#94 ·
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?


Outside of identity theft purposes, having separate accounts shows a lack of trust. My wife and I have spearate accounts but that is because of security reasons as I know we always share the money as we pool it.

I get your question but since you seem to be the bread winner, tell her you are opening your own separate accounts and pull the power play and see what her reaction is. You will get your answer fast.

Mine and yours has to be an awful existence in marriage. If my wife won mega millions and kept it all for herself, it wouldn't work. She would own me, control me or I would be a worthless partner unless she controlled me.

This is either an exit strategy or a control thing.

Snub it and I mean fast or open your own crap and deprive her. That will straighten it out
 
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