Should i be worried my wife wants to put money aside for herself only.

9167 Views 129 Replies 37 Participants Last post by Ladyrare, Apr 13, 2022

nick46davis

Discussion Starter · Jan 15, 2022

i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?

See less See more

81 - 100 of 130 Posts

jonty30

· #81 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore

I agree with you on being a team.

In my thinking, if she wants to earn an income then support her on that.
Any income that she earns goes into the communal pot that you then meet your financial goals and she can take some for her separate bank account for personal security. Of course, you do the same, just to keep the marriage on par so nobody has an undue advantage here.
Sometimes, as a team, you have to give a little bit. Since her concern is being financially insecure, let her be financially secure by having that individual bank account. The amount means nothing in the overall picture, because it would be an asset that gets counted in the divorce and it makes her feel better to have it. It removes a fear about the marriage for her.
It's also a way to show her that you're willing to protect her about her worst fears about being abandoned at her most vulnerable point in life, just like her mom.

See less See more

Reactions: 3

nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #82 · Jan 15, 2022

TAMAT said:
Nick,

You wrote,

she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.

My experience with "trainers" at gyms is that they are narcissistic individuals who are in the job because it gives them ample opportunity to work on their own physiques. However it's not the kind of profession where they become wealthy enough to buy the kind of status goods they think they deserve, so they are always hungry for more. To keep getting paid they need to ply their clients with complements and they get good at it, and good at identifying rich ones. So they keep weak emotion affairs, EAs, simmering on the back burner with multiple clients.

There is also the issue of inappropriate touching that they do with their clients under the guise of helping them perform an exercise, which I don't see them doing with really old clients.

Does your W text this woman frequently or give her life advice. Is the trainer divorced or unattached, what do you know about her.

Did your sex life change suddenly or gradually or become less passionate or romantic.

I would guess your W is attached to this trainer and hence her need to follow her, gender matters less for EAs.

I once saw a letter on the wall at my gym from a client of a male trainer praising him to high heaven, the letter ended with her saying the trainer was her best friend but he didn't know it.

Please don't say you would want your W to have an affair with this trainer, most affairs result in your spouse abandoning you emotionally, financially and physically, and are complete nightmares.

hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).

but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back

maybe i should change gyms as some said before just to see her reaction.

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.

See less See more

Tdbo

· #83 · Jan 15, 2022

meme4321 said:
This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.

No, this is how prudent people with finite resources conduct themselves.

Reactions: 2

BigDaddyNY

· #84 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).

but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back

maybe i should change gyms as some said before just to see her reaction.

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.

No kids? Then I wouldn't call it normal if it dropped off significantly. I'm married 30+ years and it is as good as it has ever been. It slowed of course while we raised our kids. There is an ebb and flow but a drastic drop off is a sig of something. Not necessarily cheating, but maybe a lessening of attractions. That is something worth working on and improving. I'm convinced that keeping a strong sexual and intimate relationship keeps helps keep the marriage as a whole healthy.

jlg07

· #85 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
yes she is, very. she wanted to go work somewhere for $15 an hour, i did the math with her and explained that it would cost us more $$ for her to go to work this job then she would make. so together we figured out a higher paying job with in the company as we would pay any of our techs, and are working on getting jobs for here here that she can leave the house and feel useful, but this comes down to the same issues - WHY DOES she want "her own money" ? i mean a buck is a buck people would kill to have the life we do.

this situation makes me think i have to to something aside to make sure i dont wake up one day with 0 or worse.

I think you need to take this opportunity of your wife bringing up accounts to LIMIT the access, or at least the unfettered access, to your business accounts if nothing else. Change those accounts to require BOTH of your signatures to do anything. If she gets her own account, then you do also, and make sure she doesn't start pulling from your accounts to start funding hers.
I am also suspicious of something else going on, not just her mother. Not sure WHY her mother would end up with NOTHING considering most divorces, the assets are split 50/50.

Reactions: 2

meme4321

· #86 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
he does have a point. my wife started many things she wanted to do, many courses she started we paid for in full, but she never finished any of them....
[/QUOTE

jonty30 said:
His main concern is her not taking her potential career seriously. He doesn't want to lay out thousands of dollars just to have her walk away because she got tired of the course.
He probably has an idea of what his wife is like in this regard. There are people who cannot be serious enough about their ambitions to follow through to the end.
She doesn't have an independent income of her own, so she is momentarily dependent on him no matter what.
If she is serious about what she wants, my suggestion seems to meet all the concerns of this thread.

No, his main concern is that she is stockpiling money away in her own account and he doesn’t understand why. And I’m offering the perspective that it’s because he is possibly controlling what she does, including a career. True or not, if this is the reason, and he tells her that she has to do something for x amount of time before HE will pay for it, that just reinforces the problem. He’s upset at the idea of separate lives and finances yet it’s not really half her money, is it? She’s not an equal partner here. Not really. At least not with this advise.

Reactions: 2

Rus47

· #87 · Jan 15, 2022 (Edited)

nick46davis said:
hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.

So your wife is going to the gym to be with the trainer? Not to train?

Some would say the passion wanes after a decade married. Some would say that is normal. I would say that is only true if a couple allows it. And ignoring it is not a good idea IMO. Awhile now is how long? Is there anything that coincided with the dropoff?

Since your gym work is focused on building yourself, I would think moving to your wifes gym would be a great idea. A win on many levels, put a crimp into any funny business too. Heck maybe you can train together with your wife using the same trainer 😊

Reactions: 5

jlg07

· #88 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools

as for my job, yes i can get away with working very little, at times there are urgent things that cannot wait and need attention immediately. i mean i even pull over the car at times on the highway to settle issues. i do take and pick up my kid from school, its not like i dont. but i cant be 100% sure i will be free at that moment due to the nature of our emergency based service business. and the last thing i want is my kid waiting and being the last one to be picked up, i was that kid growing up, i was the kid who wasn't sure if i need to walk 3 hours back home because my parents each thought the other will come and get me, hell sometimes id go to a friends house spend the night and the next day id be picked up like nothing happened.
and one of the things i am worried about is yes 10-15% of what IS NOT a small amount of $. i am more worried as of the WHY she wants it.

and yes i would need to hire a manager for all my dispatchers, someone who will be on top of things all the time, while there is usually very little amount of work, this person needs to be available ALL the time... things like fights between our dispatchers and other issues that take 5-40 min to take care of, but are URGENT and unknown when it will happen for this reason this manager needs to be able to deal with it as it comes up and be on call. its not a lot of work, but VERY IMPORTANT work.

also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card? she gets what she wants when she wants from her account anyway taking at least 60% of our monthly paycheck into her own account. she buys plenty i dont say a word on, when we want to buy something "big" like furniture that we do not need i do at times say maybe we should wait for a sale?
or for example she wanted a new closet - fine we went to the store and she wanted the most expensive thing they had, i told her look if you really want it sure lets get it, but look at this one that i think is just as nice and a 1/3 of the price, its saves space just the same... so you may have a partial point here. but its only when its really out of line spending thousands we dont need to spend.

what can i say, i grew up with nothing counting every dime of my own and where i spend it to make sure i can eat for the week. i lived on my own and worked since i was around 13-15. so i dont like wasting money on stuff we dont need, and dont like wasting money when there is a cheaper option which is just as good.. does not mean i am cheap and dont let her spend, she gets paid more then i do from my company and gets what she wants from that $....

So wait -- she takes 60 % of YOUR salary to HER OWN account? I thought the issue was that she wanted her own account, but it seem s ike she already has that?

If she is working for the business, she should get her own paycheck and put THAT into HER account, YOUR money goes in to HER account and then based on the ratio of your/her salary, you each pay that share into your common account to pay the bills, no? Seems like that should be the rationale way to set this up.
AND she should NOT have unfettered access to the business accounts. You need to protect the business itself -- there are people depending on you, so no one person should be able to determine where those $$$ go...

Cooper

· #89 · Jan 15, 2022

meme4321 said:
No, his main concern is that she is stockpiling money away in her own account and he doesn’t understand why. And I’m offering the perspective that it’s because he is possibly controlling what she does, including a career. True or not, if this is the reason, and he tells her that she has to do something for x amount of time before HE will pay for it, that just reinforces the problem. He’s upset at the idea of separate lives and finances yet it’s not really half her money, is it? She’s not an equal partner here. Not really. At least not with this advise.

I'm leaning toward agreeing with the above. This is one of those post I wish I could hear both parties thoughts and reasonings.

Reactions: 1

Diana7

· #90 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore

I agree. I would be very concerned if my husband did what your wife has because we share everything. However a lot of married couples seem to have their own accounts now.

Reactions: 2

Divinely Favored

· #91 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i know about the trainers daughter, but never heard of her husband. and it is odd that she changed gyms after her, and she only goes to train when this trainer is here. her trainer competes in body building competitions and gives her a really really good price, they are good friends and have their own little gym team going, she was very upset at me when i didnt want to go to their new years party(turned out we had covid so better we didn't go).

but really we are new to the area moved here just a few years ago, and we dont have many friends here i think its good she has some friends they go to coffee here and there and stuff. i think the gym really is an excuse to get out of the house and be with other people... i really like her trainer and get more compliments from her trainer then i do from my wife about my physical abilities lol. but true thats what trainers do for a living make their clients feel better about themselves so they keep coming back

maybe i should change gyms as some said before just to see her reaction.

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.

My wife and I are together 25 yrs and sex is 5x week. Separate account is hinky in my book. I would not have my wife going to separate gym. If it is important to her to stay with her trainer and you have nothing in particular keeping you at your gym....move with her.

Reactions: 3

farsidejunky

· #92 · Jan 15, 2022

OP, what is with all of the precipice dancing over her wanting her own money?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

Reactions: 1

farsidejunky

· #93 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to explore

Threatening her with divorce seems to fly in the face of your assertion.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

Reactions: 2

wmn1

· #94 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?

Outside of identity theft purposes, having separate accounts shows a lack of trust. My wife and I have spearate accounts but that is because of security reasons as I know we always share the money as we pool it.

I get your question but since you seem to be the bread winner, tell her you are opening your own separate accounts and pull the power play and see what her reaction is. You will get your answer fast.

Mine and yours has to be an awful existence in marriage. If my wife won mega millions and kept it all for herself, it wouldn't work. She would own me, control me or I would be a worthless partner unless she controlled me.

This is either an exit strategy or a control thing.

Snub it and I mean fast or open your own crap and deprive her. That will straighten it out

wmn1

· #95 · Jan 15, 2022

jonty30 said:
That's a very good question.
Who made the choice of a different gym?

ding ding. I am with you and Diana on this

Reactions: 1

wmn1

· #96 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i have life insurance. in case of my death she would get it all + more. and she as of now also has it all, she is the one with access to stuff that i dont have access to not vise versa. and she has all the money she needs. seems to me she want to hide something.

how does she have access to stuff you don't ? Really ???

Reactions: 1

wmn1

· #97 · Jan 15, 2022

Anastasia6 said:
So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?

obviously, if you don't see the red flags here, then that's on you. This is his issue, she's trying to change the rules of the game mid marriage and he's trying to figure out why. Why do you blame him ????

Reactions: 1

wmn1

· #98 · Jan 15, 2022

Married but Happy said:
I think you need to protect yourself. Now. Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.

amen on this

Reactions: 2

wmn1

· #99 · Jan 15, 2022

meme4321 said:
Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.

yeah that response by you was so helpful

Not !!

Reactions: 1

wmn1

· #100 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.

maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.

yes, cut her off from your company account. Until she explains herself and until you can trust her again, she shouldn't have access to that. Get your own account. Have daddy bail her out

81 - 100 of 130 Posts

This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.