people who all their lives were very secure....all of a sudden start feeling more insecure as they get older. We see friends and relatives dying. we see couples we partied with getting divorced. At some point in time, we no longer feel like we are invincible supermen, and just want to keep a low profile and not stick up. the nail heads that stick up get the hammer!I do agree with you on checking on her messages to try and figure out what is going on. However, if it just turns out just to be an issue of insecurity on her part then I suggest giving in a bit and let her have a set amount of money that will give her peace of mind. The money can always be re-acquired later if there is a need for it.
so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here.
The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.
Saying in one breath that you could not possibly pick up and take your child to school around your urgent busy schedule, but also saying in a previous post that you only work 2-3 hours a day and sometimes days at a time without anything. You could not possibly give up some time to take YOUR child to school in order for her to go out and explore some things she wants to do? (Also, put your child on the bus??) It sounds to me like you have an incredible amount of free time. Really it came down to that it would adversely affect your workout schedule. I'm sorry, isn't the child in school for 8 hours a day? You couldn't change some things around? Not to mention, by your calculation you both are only working like 10-15 hours a week but you could not possibly pick up that slack there for her duties? You would have to hire someone - to work a few hours a week? None of that adds up and it really feels like you are making excuses to justify your control on the finances (and therefore her). I mean, you are worried about a 10-15% return on investment on a small amount of money that she just wants to have in an account. Like how much money are we even talking about here?
The purse - which I valued at $300, not $2,000- was an example. A metaphor for your controlling nature. But you answered that question anyways although you inflated what I was saying to make yourself more justified. When she buys something, you question the purchase and HOW she purchased it. This makes her have a longing to just have her own pot of money that she doesn't have to defend every dime to you about. Buying something for yourself, when you have the finances to do so, can bring joy to a person, but that joy is sucked away if someone gives you crap about it at every turn. Trust me, I know from firsthand experience how draining that becomes. Do you allow her to pick out furniture, clothes, etc without checking in with you on it? Just curious. Marriage isn't about controlling eachother's every move. Yes, you should talk through and work finances together and be transparent, but if one person is completely unyielding, always right, manipulative, judging....well, you get where I'm going. I, of course, am not in your marriage. Maybe you misstated your dynamic. But it's something to consider since everyone here thinks she is putting away money to sneak off with some gym rat and leave you. It might be so much simpler than that.
She will not be able to answer on a text how she is feeling controlled by you. She may not even know why she is feeling so stifled. She may not have the words. She may not want to say them for fear of your reaction. Don't immediately think she is having an affair or planning to leave you. Maybe she is just completely overwhelmed by the dynamic that you have with each other and doesn't feel like she can be her own person outside of you. Just consider that. Especially after you have your child break into her phone and find nothing of concern on it.
yes i did build this business, and yes i am registered as the only owner, however she gets more $$ out of it then me. and the job we trained her to do, she can do with me or without. its a job that can makes easy 6 figures working at your own time at your own pace, now compare that to a job that makes 20-30k a year. i told her go do something useful something you WANT TO DO regardless to money. as said above she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go take the course and volunteer if you must. but dont take on a job that you dont want, that will just make us spend more $$ for nothing. i gave her MY ADVICE i did not block anything.You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.
Okay, thanks for explaining it better. That is a bit more understandable. I'd just talk to her and see why she is feeling the need to do this. She must think she is in a similar situation as her mother. Working at a business owned by her husband. She should continue to look into being a paramedic. If that is something she has wanted to do, she should absolutely go for it! Also, for the love, buy a second car? She can't even get herself around without borrowing your car? Am I understanding that right?so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools
as for my job, yes i can get away with working very little, at times there are urgent things that cannot wait and need attention immediately. i mean i even pull over the car at times on the highway to settle issues. i do take and pick up my kid from school, its not like i dont. but i cant be 100% sure i will be free at that moment due to the nature of our emergency based service business. and the last thing i want is my kid waiting and being the last one to be picked up, i was that kid growing up, i was the kid who wasn't sure if i need to walk 3 hours back home because my parents each thought the other will come and get me, hell sometimes id go to a friends house spend the night and the next day id be picked up like nothing happened.
and one of the things i am worried about is yes 10-15% of what IS NOT a small amount of $. i am more worried as of the WHY she wants it.
and yes i would need to hire a manager for all my dispatchers, someone who will be on top of things all the time, while there is usually very little amount of work, this person needs to be available ALL the time... things like fights between our dispatchers and other issues that take 5-40 min to take care of, but are URGENT and unknown when it will happen for this reason this manager needs to be able to deal with it as it comes up and be on call. its not a lot of work, but VERY IMPORTANT work.
also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card? she gets what she wants when she wants from her account anyway taking at least 60% of our monthly paycheck into her own account. she buys plenty i dont say a word on, when we want to buy something "big" like furniture that we do not need i do at times say maybe we should wait for a sale?
or for example she wanted a new closet - fine we went to the store and she wanted the most expensive thing they had, i told her look if you really want it sure lets get it, but look at this one that i think is just as nice and a 1/3 of the price, its saves space just the same... so you may have a partial point here. but its only when its really out of line spending thousands we dont need to spend.
what can i say, i grew up with nothing counting every dime of my own and where i spend it to make sure i can eat for the week. i lived on my own and worked since i was around 13-15. so i dont like wasting money on stuff we dont need, and dont like wasting money when there is a cheaper option which is just as good.. does not mean i am cheap and dont let her spend, she gets paid more then i do from my company and gets what she wants from that $....
So you are a sole proprietorship? That is maybe what scared her after her mother's experience. Just taking her off the business account will tip her off that something is afoot. You dont want deep pockets and well connected daddy rescuing his baby girl.Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...
as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.
I agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools
as for my job, yes i can get away with working very little, at times there are urgent things that cannot wait and need attention immediately. i mean i even pull over the car at times on the highway to settle issues. i do take and pick up my kid from school, its not like i dont. but i cant be 100% sure i will be free at that moment due to the nature of our emergency based service business. and the last thing i want is my kid waiting and being the last one to be picked up, i was that kid growing up, i was the kid who wasn't sure if i need to walk 3 hours back home because my parents each thought the other will come and get me, hell sometimes id go to a friends house spend the night and the next day id be picked up like nothing happened.
and one of the things i am worried about is yes 10-15% of what IS NOT a small amount of $. i am more worried as of the WHY she wants it.
and yes i would need to hire a manager for all my dispatchers, someone who will be on top of things all the time, while there is usually very little amount of work, this person needs to be available ALL the time... things like fights between our dispatchers and other issues that take 5-40 min to take care of, but are URGENT and unknown when it will happen for this reason this manager needs to be able to deal with it as it comes up and be on call. its not a lot of work, but VERY IMPORTANT work.
also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card? she gets what she wants when she wants from her account anyway taking at least 60% of our monthly paycheck into her own account. she buys plenty i dont say a word on, when we want to buy something "big" like furniture that we do not need i do at times say maybe we should wait for a sale?
or for example she wanted a new closet - fine we went to the store and she wanted the most expensive thing they had, i told her look if you really want it sure lets get it, but look at this one that i think is just as nice and a 1/3 of the price, its saves space just the same... so you may have a partial point here. but its only when its really out of line spending thousands we dont need to spend.
what can i say, i grew up with nothing counting every dime of my own and where i spend it to make sure i can eat for the week. i lived on my own and worked since i was around 13-15. so i dont like wasting money on stuff we dont need, and dont like wasting money when there is a cheaper option which is just as good.. does not mean i am cheap and dont let her spend, she gets paid more then i do from my company and gets what she wants from that $....
This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.I agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.
My suggestion in that case is to tell her to volunteer for a set time. If she maintain discipline in her interest for a set time, you'll pay for her classes.
if she wanted a second car we would get it no problem. thing is 99% of the time our car sits in the driveway. we nearly ever use it as is, she uses it when she wants does not need my permission. the car is a 2019 and has less then 25k miles on it... and we drove it from south FL to ST LOUIS and back like 3-4 times.Okay, thanks for explaining it better. That is a bit more understandable. I'd just talk to her and see why she is feeling the need to do this. She must think she is in a similar situation as her mother. Working at a business owned by her husband. She should continue to look into being a paramedic. If that is something she has wanted to do, she should absolutely go for it! Also, for the love, buy a second car? She can't even get herself around without borrowing your car? Am I understanding that right?
he does have a point. my wife started many things she wanted to do, many courses she started we paid for in full, but she never finished any of them....This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.
id dont mind paying for courses. id love to even if she doesn't finish them. especially in the medical field that could save a life one day with even if only partial course is doneI agree with you about her not frittering away money on momentary enthusiasms.
My suggestion in that case is to tell her to volunteer for a set time. If she maintain discipline in her interest for a set time, you'll pay for her classes.
His main concern is her not taking her potential career seriously. He doesn't want to lay out thousands of dollars just to have her walk away because she got tired of the course.This is how you would treat a child, not a spouse.
If her moms divorce is ugly as you say is it pissible she wants to start financially supporting her mom? Or give her money for legal fees? Would you be OK if that was her reason?correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.
i hate gift cards, because they never get used.also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card?
hmm good question. well i dont think we should be involved in this in any way shape or form. i dont want to piss off her dad, this does make sense tho that she would want to her her out. and know that i would not want to take sides.If her moms divorce is ugly as you say is it pissible she wants to start financially supporting her mom? Or give her money for legal fees? Would you be OK if that was her reason?
she grew up in Mexico, her dad is israeli her mom is Mexican. she considers herself a proud mexican and would not give up her Mexican or Israeli passport for a American one.Where is your wife from anyway? It is common for wives to keep some extra money on the side in some culture
i personally think we should be a team, one unit. i dont think hiding things is healthy for a partnership of any kind. but, there were some good points in this thread i need to exploreIf you agree to both put some money aside, the same amount in each account, then got for it. It does seem odd when you are so very well off that she would need to do it but as long as you are both open about it with each other and how much you have in there, then it could work.
