[Rus47]

i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on."

she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside.

my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?

Because she has plans to split the partnership. No other logical explanation. See if she can give you a good explanation. Wanting to work a minimum wage job to escape home, wanting her own bank account, spending hours away from home at the gym seems she wants to escape from you. Maybe her mother is advising her based on recent experience with your FIL.

 

[nick46davis]

I think you need to protect yourself. Now. Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.

i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.

maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.

 

[Livvie]

I agree.

Separate all finances.

 

[nick46davis]

thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.

 

[nick46davis]

do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?

 

[Livvie]

Honestly #1 is just good business practice, anyway.

 

[In Absentia]

Very odd behaviour, if you ask me...

 

[jonty30]

Because she has plans to split the partnership. No other logical explanation. See if she can give you a good explanation. Wanting to work a minimum wage job to escape home, wanting her own bank account, spending hours away from home at the gym seems she wants to escape from you. Maybe her mother is advising her based on recent experience with your FIL.

I like that and that could be.
Her mother may have told her that she shouldn't be too dependent upon the husband because of the risks of putting all her eggs in one basket.
Her mother would be nearing 70, if not past that, and she is now divorced from her husband with no real way to earn a living.
I can see that creating insecurity in a woman.

 

[jonty30]

thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.

3. The money you set aside would be counted as an asset in the event of a divorce, so its' a awash in that sense.
I only suggest doing that to bring peace to her mind.

 

[Rus47]

do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?

What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?

 

[Married but Happy]

do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?

Sure, if she has the income to support that, and you think that's where she's going with these recent changes. However, only do so after protecting your accounts and business, so she can't decide to drain the accounts.

 

[nick46davis]

What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?

Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...

as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.

 

[meme4321]

the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours.
Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not.


as for the "threat" she would not give me a reason, that's when i got angry and said those things. only after that did she try to explain, but its not a good reason in my book, her mom got the house - a 3 million house. so.... id say any person would be happy with that.

i grew up from nothing, really nothing... so yes when she spends something stupid i do sometimes say something about it rarely tho. for example i get tons of gift cards from using credit card points(thousands of$ a month), so when she buys something with money that we could have used a gift card i ask her why didnt we use a gift card? its just sitting there....

and i do critic friends of mine that buy 2000$ bag or a 14000 watch, even tho i have the money i still have that feeling inside of me that will forever remember the kid who didnt have money to buy food.

Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here.

The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.

Saying in one breath that you could not possibly pick up and take your child to school around your urgent busy schedule, but also saying in a previous post that you only work 2-3 hours a day and sometimes days at a time without anything. You could not possibly give up some time to take YOUR child to school in order for her to go out and explore some things she wants to do? (Also, put your child on the bus??) It sounds to me like you have an incredible amount of free time. Really it came down to that it would adversely affect your workout schedule. I'm sorry, isn't the child in school for 8 hours a day? You couldn't change some things around? Not to mention, by your calculation you both are only working like 10-15 hours a week but you could not possibly pick up that slack there for her duties? You would have to hire someone - to work a few hours a week? None of that adds up and it really feels like you are making excuses to justify your control on the finances (and therefore her). I mean, you are worried about a 10-15% return on investment on a small amount of money that she just wants to have in an account. Like how much money are we even talking about here?

The purse - which I valued at $300, not $2,000- was an example. A metaphor for your controlling nature. But you answered that question anyways although you inflated what I was saying to make yourself more justified. When she buys something, you question the purchase and HOW she purchased it. This makes her have a longing to just have her own pot of money that she doesn't have to defend every dime to you about. Buying something for yourself, when you have the finances to do so, can bring joy to a person, but that joy is sucked away if someone gives you crap about it at every turn. Trust me, I know from firsthand experience how draining that becomes. Do you allow her to pick out furniture, clothes, etc without checking in with you on it? Just curious. Marriage isn't about controlling eachother's every move. Yes, you should talk through and work finances together and be transparent, but if one person is completely unyielding, always right, manipulative, judging....well, you get where I'm going. I, of course, am not in your marriage. Maybe you misstated your dynamic. But it's something to consider since everyone here thinks she is putting away money to sneak off with some gym rat and leave you. It might be so much simpler than that.

She will not be able to answer on a text how she is feeling controlled by you. She may not even know why she is feeling so stifled. She may not have the words. She may not want to say them for fear of your reaction. Don't immediately think she is having an affair or planning to leave you. Maybe she is just completely overwhelmed by the dynamic that you have with each other and doesn't feel like she can be her own person outside of you. Just consider that. Especially after you have your child break into her phone and find nothing of concern on it.

 

[Anastasia6]

correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up

thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.

This really isn’t a text conversation

 

[EssexUKMale]

i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?

Make sure you do the same. My wife and I only put our own money aside for things each others birthday anniversary and Christmas gifts. And we give our selves a allowance for things we want to get. If this is a new thing that suggests big problems to me like she’s checking out of the marriage

 

[BigDaddyNY]

At what point will she feel comfortable that she has enough of "her" money? Does she have a goal, just sky's the limit?

Although odd behavior to me, I think she is being effected by her parents divorce. It has probably shaken her faith in the permanence of marriage. Have you done anything to encourage that thought, beyond the current disagreements?

 

[jonty30]

Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...

as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.

I think her mom's situation is freaking her out. I don't get the impression that she's intending a future divorce, but she doesn't want to end up like her mom, an old woman with no job skills and you, being the more intelligent and prepared spouse, leaving her with nothing.
That's my sense of the situation.
I know that you are not intending a divorce. I get that.
But putting her in a job that is dependent on your good will is not the best situation for her, because of what happened to her mom.

In Ontario, a man who was an anesthesiologist worked for his doctor wife's clinic and she paid him about three times the typical salary.
Later in the marriage, she divorced him, fired him and she took him to court for child support. The judge ruled that he had to pay the child support that reflected his salary.
He told the judge that there were no jobs for anesthesiologists that paid what he got paid. The judge ruled against him and he ended up committing suicide because he couldn't meet the conditions of the court.

If you're concerned about her income level, support her in obtaining job skills that will give her a job with a better income in an industry that she is interested in.
I think if you show her that you care about what happens to her, in the event of life uncertainties, she'll calm down.

 

[Anastasia6]

do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?

No because the bills weren’t created with that in mind.

you created a lifestyle based on your business and then want to cut her out of the business but expect her to pay half.

you threaten her with divorce before ever figuring out where the request is coming from. You are destabilizing the marriage and wonder why she doesn’t feel stable.

so you either want a divorce or not. If you do of course she’s going to feel insecure. If not then threatening a divorce is considered abusive to get your own way.

don’t be surprised if you have set something in motion that can’t be undone. You’ve now taken her emotions around this insecurity which probably originated from her parents divorce and transferred them to you. So subconsciously whatever ****ty crap her dad is pulling on her mom in now how she’s going to feel about you. This is going to leave her emotionally vulnerable.

 

[Anastasia6]

At what point will she feel comfortable that she has enough of "her" money? Does she have a goal, just sky's the limit?

Although odd behavior to me, I think she is being effected by her parents divorce. It has probably shaken her faith in the permanence of marriage. Have you done anything to encourage that thought, beyond the current disagreements?

Yeah he’s threatened her with divorce. So I’m sure she feels really secure now.

 

[meme4321]

You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.