Should i be worried my wife wants to put money aside for herself only.

9113 Views 129 Replies 37 Participants Last post by Ladyrare, Apr 13, 2022

nick46davis

Discussion Starter · Jan 15, 2022

i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?

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Cooper

· #21 · Jan 15, 2022

I'm kind of conflicted on this subject, but won't rehash all the advice and opinions already given.

The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?

If she was up to no good couldn't she have been cycling money into a private account for years? And if she is planning a divorce she already has access to plenty of money now and likely will get 50% of all assets if you divorce.

If her plan is to divorce why show her hand early? That wouldn't be very smart in my book. And finally if she wants a divorce it's going to happen regardless of her having a separate account or not.

I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.

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Anastasia6

· #22 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.

as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.

the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.

So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?

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jonty30

· #23 · Jan 15, 2022 (Edited)

Anastasia6 said:
So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?

The custom of the wedding ring was started to give women a sense of financial security with the marriage. She could sell off the ring to give a start to a new life if the marriage failed.

ccpowerslave

· #24 · Jan 15, 2022

I think it’s odd. If my wife suddenly wanted separate finances it would be a very bad sign.

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BigDaddyNY

· #25 · Jan 15, 2022

I would personally be surprised if my wife suddenly wanted an account for herself. I've never, ever stopped her from buying whatever she wants. She and I have equal access to all of our accounts. It would feel very strange that she would want an account she only had access to. There would need to be a strong compelling reason.

It sounds like a slippery slope. If she has her own, then I'll have my own. Up till now it has always be ours, not mine or hers. Why would we do something that separates us in someway, even if just in a bank account.

Is she going to start paying bills out of her money? Has she told you point blank that she wants this incase you divorce her?

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Tdbo

· #26 · Jan 15, 2022

The OP needs to examine the situation in its entirety.
While the wife wanting to set money aside without context could be troubling; the fact that she is doing it as a response to her mother undergoing a divorce without resources is understandable. If the OP was understanding about it, kept an open mind about it and was supportive, he might find that he could (or would) strengthen his marriage in the process.
There is nothing wrong (within reason) for spouses to have a "Kitty" of there own for emergencies, presents for their husband/wife, etc. In our marriage, we have that even though I control the lions share of funds due to my wife's demonstrated gross financial irresponsibility. Nothing wrong with that as long as the situation is transparent and goes both ways.
I'd be more concerned with the Gym situation, frankly.

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Kaliber

· #27 · Jan 15, 2022 (Edited)

Oh wow @nick46davis I know a friend who went through something similar, his wife was groomed by another couple and a hot new shiny man, they wanted access to her money, yes infidelity was part of it!
Infidelity could not be in your case, but you need to know what is going on!
You need to start snooping and find out who is putting these ideas in your wife's head!!
Because it doesn't make sense at all, as you said she has access to all accounts plus no prenup so she will get %50 any way in cased of divorce, and in case of death you have life insurance plus all your assets and her family has money... Doesn't make sense why she is asking something like this!

And just because she has a female trainer doesn't mean there are no other men at the other gym!!
You need to find out what's going on and why this sudden change!

Take @Rus47 advice, you need to restructure your accounts and protect it:

Rus47 said:
This is IMO unwise for your own protection! You need to restructure this situation as fast as you can! Think of the risk to your own wellbeing! Right now she can write a huge retainer to an attorney and take you for however much she wants to. Maybe waiting until she gets her private account funded.

You wouldn't be the first spouse blindsided by a train wreck they didn't suspect. Thinking they were living a charmed marriage only to wake up one day with disaster on their doorstep.

Be careful what you wish for. The super hot female trainer may only be interested in wealthy females. She may have been giving your wife advice about life going forward.

Put your foot down, restructure your accounts and deny her request to take part of the money and putting it aside in a separate account, is she askes why, you can tell her: "there is no need to and there are no good reasons to do so!"

Get the bottom of this sudden switch, keep your eyes open and mouth shut, and start snooping!!

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Benbutton

· #28 · Jan 15, 2022

You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.

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nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #29 · Jan 15, 2022

Rus47 said:
BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.

yes she is, very. she wanted to go work somewhere for $15 an hour, i did the math with her and explained that it would cost us more $$ for her to go to work this job then she would make. so together we figured out a higher paying job with in the company as we would pay any of our techs, and are working on getting jobs for here here that she can leave the house and feel useful, but this comes down to the same issues - WHY DOES she want "her own money" ? i mean a buck is a buck people would kill to have the life we do.

Rus47 said:
Going to a separate gym, even with a female trainer, is an opportunity to be groomed by other gym rats and/or the female. The whole gym genre is notorious for facilitating stuff not marriage friendly. But you likely know that already since you spend hours (?) there yourself. There have been plenty of instances where female convinced a wife to "join the other team" if you get my drift. If she is spending hours at the gym, she has bonded with who knows who there.

You have a lot of money, and evidently a lot more on the way. That is a major attraction, especially if your wife has been publicizing the situation.

BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.

They have joint accounts. Which means if he kicks the bucket she can access all the money they have in emergencies or otherwise. In fact, she could clean him totally out right now from both the business and personal account. He wouldn't even be able to hire an attorney. Worse, if she absconds with the funds from the business, he won't be able to pay the taxes either. I had a friend long ago whose business "partner" pulled everything out of the business account, left the country and my friend with no money and the IRS looking to him for their money. Not a good position to be in. I would have thought a business account would require both signatures to access funds, but what do I know?

My advice to him would be to get a personal account for himself and put at least as much in it for his own use as they put in her personal account.

this situation makes me think i have to to something aside to make sure i dont wake up one day with 0 or worse.

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Tdbo

· #30 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i was thinking of a lawyer, and your 100% right, i will get our 7 year old to unlock her tablet or phone for me as she knows the password so she can play games and what not. ill snoop around see if there is something i can find. thanks....

As I said before, I'd be more concerned with the Gym.
However, this puts red flags up.
You can't be trusted with her password, but a 7 year old can?
I'd get the password and a tablet of your own and link them with her phone.
I now agree with those who said to put some safeguards on your funds.
I still think that at least some of this may be a reaction to what her Mother is going through; however institute a TRUST BUT VERIFY protocol.
Also, if she acts like a "B" promptly but respectfully call her out on it.
Change to her Gym. Do they offer a couples or family discount? See what her reaction is.
Go proactive on her while you still can to some degree. Her reaction will be telling.

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nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #31 · Jan 15, 2022

jsmart said:
I agree with @Rus47 that something has happened recently to change the dynamics of the relationship or her feelings for you. To me the working out for hours at a separate gym is suspect. Just because she has a female trainer doesn’t mean other guys are not coming on to her.

Also, why is it that she has access to all of your money and business accounts but you don’t have access to her phone? Does she have access to your phone? My wife and I have access to each other’s phones and have always had joint accounts. I make much more than my wife but have always thought of it as our money.

I can partially understand that her parents going through a divorce may have caused her to think about this but you work together and have a this is our money attitude and prove it with her complete access to all of your accounts. It doesn’t sound like her mother worked which is not her situation. The “family “ courts always make sure a divorcing wife gets awarded cash and prizes anyway. You better do some digging. Something doesn’t smell right.

she gave me the password once or twice, but i just dont remember it. she knows my password, its our wedding date.... easy to remember.
and correct her dad is a shark, her mom worked in the family business, had a HUGE shopping problem and i mean huge - she would spend like 12 hours at the mall at a time... so the family cut her off from the funds and gave her a budget.

as for the gym, my gym is mostly old people honestly its more like a country club, ive been going to gyms my whole life and never "hooked" with anyone from the gym, but i can see what you mean. i just take my workouts very seriously i go to the gym with 1 goal > to improve myself and release stress. my mom is a personal trainer i grew up from birth into this kind of environment.

nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #32 · Jan 15, 2022

Benbutton said:
You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.

her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.

Talker67

· #33 · Jan 15, 2022

Anastasia6 said:
when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

that is a great story!

jonty30

· #34 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.

I do agree with you on checking on her messages to try and figure out what is going on. However, if it just turns out just to be an issue of insecurity on her part then I suggest giving in a bit and let her have a set amount of money that will give her peace of mind. The money can always be re-acquired later if there is a need for it.

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nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #35 · Jan 15, 2022

Cooper said:
The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?

correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up

Cooper said:
I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.

thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.

meme4321

· #36 · Jan 15, 2022

Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.

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nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #37 · Jan 15, 2022

Anastasia6 said:
So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?

i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on."

she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside.

my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?

Rus47

· #38 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up

thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.

As she frantically crafts an answer😐

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Married but Happy

· #39 · Jan 15, 2022

I think you need to protect yourself. Now. Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.

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nick46davis

Discussion Starter · #40 · Jan 15, 2022

meme4321 said:
Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.

the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours.
Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not.

as for the "threat" she would not give me a reason, that's when i got angry and said those things. only after that did she try to explain, but its not a good reason in my book, her mom got the house - a 3 million house. so.... id say any person would be happy with that.

i grew up from nothing, really nothing... so yes when she spends something stupid i do sometimes say something about it rarely tho. for example i get tons of gift cards from using credit card points(thousands of$ a month), so when she buys something with money that we could have used a gift card i ask her why didnt we use a gift card? its just sitting there....

and i do critic friends of mine that buy 2000$ bag or a 14000 watch, even tho i have the money i still have that feeling inside of me that will forever remember the kid who didnt have money to buy food.

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