Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 130 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Oh and why do you go to separate gyms?
we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.

as for the joint account.... i did ask her, of course. her parents are now undergoing an ugly divorce she doesn't want to end up like her mom who is left with nothing, her dad is suing her mom, and her uncle for giving her mom money for lawyers.... i dont think she gets it that we dont have any prenup and if we do separate, then she gets half anyway.

the main thing that bothers me here is she is being a huge BI** about it, im honestly thinking of ending this marriage over this, i see this as a separation and i want my family united. i dont know why buy i feel a family should be one unit. she wouldn't want me to be able to see what in her account and what she spends money on... very strange and i just dont trust her anymore.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out.
That's not bad, if that's all she is doing.
I think you're consideration of a divorce may have scared her into doing this.
Once a man threatens divorce, it's forever on a woman's mind.
It's the female equivalent of a infidelity blowjob.
Once done, it's forever etched in the marriage.
i have life insurance. in case of my death she would get it all + more. and she as of now also has it all, she is the one with access to stuff that i dont have access to not vise versa. and she has all the money she needs. seems to me she want to hide something.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Trust your guts here. You are right in not longer trusting her. Whatever, whoever is putting crap in her head, is making it a self fulfilled prophecy.

Start stealthily, checking her modes of communication to see if you can discern who and what's being fed to her.

Do not give in. It must be all in the open as far as finances going forward.
It's time to consult with a lawyer about where you stand in the case of a divorce.
i was thinking of a lawyer, and your 100% right, i will get our 7 year old to unlock her tablet or phone for me as she knows the password so she can play games and what not. ill snoop around see if there is something i can find. thanks....
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
That all takes time.
It's better to have some money onhand that doesn't take a few months to access.
I agree you to find out if she's planning a divorce or if she's having an affair with her trainer and everything.
I'm just saying that if she is just setting aside some money for personal security, just because of the mishaps in life that, in itself, is not a bad thing.

I also agree with you that she shouldn't be denying you access to that money. You should know how much she has put away.
it does not take time as my account is a joint account and she has access to the company account as well as many assets she can liquidate quick. also her family has money, I would not worry about her financialy wich makes it even more strange
. I wish she had an affair with the trainer SHE is super hot 😅 I should have mentioned it's she
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.
yes she is, very. she wanted to go work somewhere for $15 an hour, i did the math with her and explained that it would cost us more $$ for her to go to work this job then she would make. so together we figured out a higher paying job with in the company as we would pay any of our techs, and are working on getting jobs for here here that she can leave the house and feel useful, but this comes down to the same issues - WHY DOES she want "her own money" ? i mean a buck is a buck people would kill to have the life we do.

Going to a separate gym, even with a female trainer, is an opportunity to be groomed by other gym rats and/or the female. The whole gym genre is notorious for facilitating stuff not marriage friendly. But you likely know that already since you spend hours (?) there yourself. There have been plenty of instances where female convinced a wife to "join the other team" if you get my drift. If she is spending hours at the gym, she has bonded with who knows who there.

You have a lot of money, and evidently a lot more on the way. That is a major attraction, especially if your wife has been publicizing the situation.

BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.


They have joint accounts. Which means if he kicks the bucket she can access all the money they have in emergencies or otherwise. In fact, she could clean him totally out right now from both the business and personal account. He wouldn't even be able to hire an attorney. Worse, if she absconds with the funds from the business, he won't be able to pay the taxes either. I had a friend long ago whose business "partner" pulled everything out of the business account, left the country and my friend with no money and the IRS looking to him for their money. Not a good position to be in. I would have thought a business account would require both signatures to access funds, but what do I know?

My advice to him would be to get a personal account for himself and put at least as much in it for his own use as they put in her personal account.
this situation makes me think i have to to something aside to make sure i dont wake up one day with 0 or worse.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #31 ·
I agree with @Rus47 that something has happened recently to change the dynamics of the relationship or her feelings for you. To me the working out for hours at a separate gym is suspect. Just because she has a female trainer doesn’t mean other guys are not coming on to her.

Also, why is it that she has access to all of your money and business accounts but you don’t have access to her phone? Does she have access to your phone? My wife and I have access to each other’s phones and have always had joint accounts. I make much more than my wife but have always thought of it as our money.

I can partially understand that her parents going through a divorce may have caused her to think about this but you work together and have a this is our money attitude and prove it with her complete access to all of your accounts. It doesn’t sound like her mother worked which is not her situation. The “family “ courts always make sure a divorcing wife gets awarded cash and prizes anyway. You better do some digging. Something doesn’t smell right.
she gave me the password once or twice, but i just dont remember it. she knows my password, its our wedding date.... easy to remember.
and correct her dad is a shark, her mom worked in the family business, had a HUGE shopping problem and i mean huge - she would spend like 12 hours at the mall at a time... so the family cut her off from the funds and gave her a budget.

as for the gym, my gym is mostly old people honestly its more like a country club, ive been going to gyms my whole life and never "hooked" with anyone from the gym, but i can see what you mean. i just take my workouts very seriously i go to the gym with 1 goal > to improve myself and release stress. my mom is a personal trainer i grew up from birth into this kind of environment.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
You have a couple red flags between the separate account and a password protected phone and device.
Does she guard the phone? If so pretend to leave yours in such a place that would justify the use of hers for an "important" phone call to make. See what she does, it will be quite telling.
her ipad and iphone are connected same apps same conversations i noticed a few days ago. im gonna wait to get it from our daughter while she is using it and snoop on that. her phone is usually on her.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #35 ·
The thing I want to add is she communicated to you what she wanted to do, that's big in my book. OP you stated she has access to all your monies, business and personal, and it sounds like you two are comfortable enough financially that you don't live on a budget and monitor your spending. Correct?
correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up
I'm all for full disclosure and shared equity in a marriage, but in this case I would probably let her have her account and hope for the best.
thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #37 ·
So she talks with you about. She sees her mom going through a huge divorce with no resources and you are super upset she wants some kind of security. So upset you are thinking about ending the marriage, the very thing she feels she need protection from. But you don’t see why she might feel the need.

This was an opportunity for you to show love an understanding about many women’s fear. Instead you choose to show her you don’t have a very solid marriage. Why would you have such a problem if you both set some aside. Also do you spend to this new income level? Many do and then the income dries up she may just want to set it aside for security. The only problem I would have with it would be if she didn’t want to allow you to set aside the exact same amount.

when I first got married and we bought a house I had to keep a couple hundred dollars in our closet, my husband didn’t understand why not the bank. I also always keep a full pantry which now includes home canned items as well. He was kind enough to never give **** about it. When my parents got divorced we had food insecurity and I knew with $100 I could but black pants and shoes and get a job at Waffle House. Have enough to buy food until the job started. It’s been 28 years and I now have assets close to enough to retire and I still can’t sleep with an empty pantry.

while I would mentally check your marriage and relationship to see if you are good, I wouldn’t be this upset. We have combined everything and are a team but as long as she open about it and fair what is your real complaint?
i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on."

she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside.

my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #40 ·
Are you very controlling her? For example, if she wants to buy something frivolous (say a $300 purse) do you explain to her all the reasons why it isn't financially smart to buy it? That may be a big reason why she wants a separate account to buy things that bring her joy without having to endlessly explain them to you. While a $300 purse would be frivolous to many, you seem to have the funds for her to be able to splurge on herself once in a while without consequence, and yet, you may be denying her this freedom.

You may also be controlling her more than you think in other ways. For instance, you just said she wanted to get out of the house and take a $15/hr job. This would bring her joy because she is bored at home all the time. You then did a math problem to explain to her all the reasons that would not be financially sound, and came up with a situation where she would make more money, but be at home. The whole point to that desire was to get out of the house more and experience new things. You completely missed the point there. Again you negatively affected her joy in life, using money that you don't need as an excuse. So what if she lost $2 an hour working (which I highly doubt was the case.)?

Finally, and worse yet, you actually have said you would divorce her over a separate bank account when she has explained to you why she wants it (parent's divorce). I don't think for a second you would split up your family and your life with this woman over some money in a checking account that she feels would provide her some freedom and security. Not one second. It's just another means of controlling the situation for you. Threaten her with the thing she is most scared of if she dares try to be independent of you. You are even searching her phone now. I think you need to evaluate how controlling you are being in the relationship and WHY you have no trust in her to leave the house, spend some money, and be happier in life without you involved.
the job i set her up with would not be at home, it would allow her to go out and make money whenever she wants, so it would not interrupt our way of life, and she would not have to give up anything else., for example if she would go to an 8hour job this means i would need to take the kid to school and pick her up daily, which means i would not be able to do other things in this time. sure i do pick up and drop off at times, but sometimes i have urgent things at those hours.
Also she does help me with he business, if she stops id need to hire someone to help me with her responsibilities, which is fine, but would spend more then she would make, we would need babysitters, we would miss out and alot of things that we have today, such as the gym, my whole life i work out, and if she would be out working i most likely would not be able to due to picking up and dropping off the kid, taking care of her after school and what not.


as for the "threat" she would not give me a reason, that's when i got angry and said those things. only after that did she try to explain, but its not a good reason in my book, her mom got the house - a 3 million house. so.... id say any person would be happy with that.

i grew up from nothing, really nothing... so yes when she spends something stupid i do sometimes say something about it rarely tho. for example i get tons of gift cards from using credit card points(thousands of$ a month), so when she buys something with money that we could have used a gift card i ask her why didnt we use a gift card? its just sitting there....

and i do critic friends of mine that buy 2000$ bag or a 14000 watch, even tho i have the money i still have that feeling inside of me that will forever remember the kid who didnt have money to buy food.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #42 ·
I think you need to protect yourself. Now. Open your own account. Put your income into that so she can't access it. And you may want to revise the business account so she can't drain it if she decides to leave you - there is no quick fix to undo that if she does, so your business is at risk. The same goes for joint credit cards, etc., that she could use instead of "her own" money.
i dont think she would do this, she comes from money... her dad is a tycoon owns malls, she grew up with maids and the whole deal, she claims to hate it.
but you are right better safe the sorry, she does not have her daddy bank account anymore lol when we first met she had his credit card and would spend on whatever, she never even looks at the price tag when shopping. when she met me she really changed her ways in that sense to a degree of course.

maybe it is safter for me at this point to give her what she asks for and take for myself as well, cut her off from our joint account, and the company account.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #44 ·
thanks guys to conclude i think i formed a plan of action.
1 protect myself my daughter as well as our employees in the process, cut her off from our joint account and the business account - need to play it safe.
2 snoop around her accounts see if i can find a "reason" for this separation she wants to create,
3 give her some money, if we devoiced she gets half anyway.
4 try to get her to explain what the heck is behind this.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #52 ·
What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?
Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...

as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #62 ·
Okay, thank you for the reply. I'm going to call a spade a spade here.

The job YOU set her up with. Is this even a job that she wanted to do? Did you even ask? What was the job she wanted to go try? Was it something she has always wanted to try or is passionate about? Or maybe is she lonely and wanted to get back out into a workforce with people besides you and her child? The job you set her up with sounds commission-based - meaning she would be driving around by herself and talking to people she is going to sell to. Not the same as the friendships she'd make at a single place of business.

Saying in one breath that you could not possibly pick up and take your child to school around your urgent busy schedule, but also saying in a previous post that you only work 2-3 hours a day and sometimes days at a time without anything. You could not possibly give up some time to take YOUR child to school in order for her to go out and explore some things she wants to do? (Also, put your child on the bus??) It sounds to me like you have an incredible amount of free time. Really it came down to that it would adversely affect your workout schedule. I'm sorry, isn't the child in school for 8 hours a day? You couldn't change some things around? Not to mention, by your calculation you both are only working like 10-15 hours a week but you could not possibly pick up that slack there for her duties? You would have to hire someone - to work a few hours a week? None of that adds up and it really feels like you are making excuses to justify your control on the finances (and therefore her). I mean, you are worried about a 10-15% return on investment on a small amount of money that she just wants to have in an account. Like how much money are we even talking about here?

The purse - which I valued at $300, not $2,000- was an example. A metaphor for your controlling nature. But you answered that question anyways although you inflated what I was saying to make yourself more justified. When she buys something, you question the purchase and HOW she purchased it. This makes her have a longing to just have her own pot of money that she doesn't have to defend every dime to you about. Buying something for yourself, when you have the finances to do so, can bring joy to a person, but that joy is sucked away if someone gives you crap about it at every turn. Trust me, I know from firsthand experience how draining that becomes. Do you allow her to pick out furniture, clothes, etc without checking in with you on it? Just curious. Marriage isn't about controlling eachother's every move. Yes, you should talk through and work finances together and be transparent, but if one person is completely unyielding, always right, manipulative, judging....well, you get where I'm going. I, of course, am not in your marriage. Maybe you misstated your dynamic. But it's something to consider since everyone here thinks she is putting away money to sneak off with some gym rat and leave you. It might be so much simpler than that.

She will not be able to answer on a text how she is feeling controlled by you. She may not even know why she is feeling so stifled. She may not have the words. She may not want to say them for fear of your reaction. Don't immediately think she is having an affair or planning to leave you. Maybe she is just completely overwhelmed by the dynamic that you have with each other and doesn't feel like she can be her own person outside of you. Just consider that. Especially after you have your child break into her phone and find nothing of concern on it.
so she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go for it regardless to the pay, volunteer if you must.
she then applied to a few and got accepted to a customer service job on the phone... its not what she wanted, if its something she WANTS to do i dont care about the money.
as for the job i set for her, she wanted it and was exited about it, we even drove 18 hours the whole family for a week so we can train her to where most of our work is and we drove because she would need a car and our tools

as for my job, yes i can get away with working very little, at times there are urgent things that cannot wait and need attention immediately. i mean i even pull over the car at times on the highway to settle issues. i do take and pick up my kid from school, its not like i dont. but i cant be 100% sure i will be free at that moment due to the nature of our emergency based service business. and the last thing i want is my kid waiting and being the last one to be picked up, i was that kid growing up, i was the kid who wasn't sure if i need to walk 3 hours back home because my parents each thought the other will come and get me, hell sometimes id go to a friends house spend the night and the next day id be picked up like nothing happened.
and one of the things i am worried about is yes 10-15% of what IS NOT a small amount of $. i am more worried as of the WHY she wants it.

and yes i would need to hire a manager for all my dispatchers, someone who will be on top of things all the time, while there is usually very little amount of work, this person needs to be available ALL the time... things like fights between our dispatchers and other issues that take 5-40 min to take care of, but are URGENT and unknown when it will happen for this reason this manager needs to be able to deal with it as it comes up and be on call. its not a lot of work, but VERY IMPORTANT work.


also you make it sound like EVREY TIME (OR DIME) she buys something i yell at her. this is far from the case. its only when i see an amazon package which she got something from amazon when we have thousands of $$ in gift cards laying around. why use money when you can use a gift card? she gets what she wants when she wants from her account anyway taking at least 60% of our monthly paycheck into her own account. she buys plenty i dont say a word on, when we want to buy something "big" like furniture that we do not need i do at times say maybe we should wait for a sale?
or for example she wanted a new closet - fine we went to the store and she wanted the most expensive thing they had, i told her look if you really want it sure lets get it, but look at this one that i think is just as nice and a 1/3 of the price, its saves space just the same... so you may have a partial point here. but its only when its really out of line spending thousands we dont need to spend.

what can i say, i grew up with nothing counting every dime of my own and where i spend it to make sure i can eat for the week. i lived on my own and worked since i was around 13-15. so i dont like wasting money on stuff we dont need, and dont like wasting money when there is a cheaper option which is just as good.. does not mean i am cheap and dont let her spend, she gets paid more then i do from my company and gets what she wants from that $....
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #63 ·
You keep digging deeper and deeper. Now you talk about the business that you built from the ground up. It's yours. She has no ownership. In fact, you can bar her from access to it easily. Yet she has no other means of income for herself outside of said business. She has tried to get a job outside of it and you stopped that. There you go. You don't see this marriage as a partnership. What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. This is why she is scared and trying to protect herself.
yes i did build this business, and yes i am registered as the only owner, however she gets more $$ out of it then me. and the job we trained her to do, she can do with me or without. its a job that can makes easy 6 figures working at your own time at your own pace, now compare that to a job that makes 20-30k a year. i told her go do something useful something you WANT TO DO regardless to money. as said above she wanted to be a paramedic - i told her go take the course and volunteer if you must. but dont take on a job that you dont want, that will just make us spend more $$ for nothing. i gave her MY ADVICE i did not block anything.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter · #69 ·
Okay, thanks for explaining it better. That is a bit more understandable. I'd just talk to her and see why she is feeling the need to do this. She must think she is in a similar situation as her mother. Working at a business owned by her husband. She should continue to look into being a paramedic. If that is something she has wanted to do, she should absolutely go for it! Also, for the love, buy a second car? She can't even get herself around without borrowing your car? Am I understanding that right?
if she wanted a second car we would get it no problem. thing is 99% of the time our car sits in the driveway. we nearly ever use it as is, she uses it when she wants does not need my permission. the car is a 2019 and has less then 25k miles on it... and we drove it from south FL to ST LOUIS and back like 3-4 times.

she is the one who does not want a second car, i love the 4 runner, but i would love to get her a sexy sport car (or whatever car) i think it would look great on our driveway lol. but she says and is right we dont use the car we have so why get another one.

ID LIKE TO ADD her mom is going though therapy, she tried to kill herself a while ago, my wife and her brothers have weekly zoom meetings with a shrink and her mom. and what you say about working in a company owned by the husband does reflect her moms past situation exactly. now she is cut off from her family money because she has a HUGE spending problem- i mean huge. she still has maids and food in the house fancy car and everything many people can only dream of.

Her mom has some issues tons of them, and everything falls on my wife, my wife gets the meds cuz they are cheaper here in the usa (mom lives in oversees) my wife deals with the shrink, mom calls her and puts her in the middle of every little aspect of her life, things she should not be part of like the husband cheating, she asks my wife to tell her dad this or that really ugly stuff that she should really not be part of. i can see why should fear to became her mom.
 
1 - 20 of 130 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top