Should i be worried my wife wants to put money aside for herself only.

9166 Views 129 Replies 37 Participants Last post by Ladyrare, Apr 13, 2022

nick46davis

Discussion Starter · Jan 15, 2022

i have a good business that makes 6 figures. my wife helps me with the business and has access to all my bank accounts, a few years back she wanted her own bank account - so we opened her a bank account and she pulls what she wants when she wants from our joint account.
basically we have the business account which she has access to, we have a joint personal account, and then she has her own account.

we work from home, can work from anywhere and have a very laid back business, we only work a few hours a day and really sometimes not even that in fact sometimes we dont work at all for days on end and our income remains.
really have a blessed life, our house is paid for in a good area, we have an amazing 7 year old girl, we go to the gym daily for hours (separate gyms), nothing is missing in our life thank god, no debt.

We have been married for 10 years.

we recently found ourselves in a position via an investment to make ALOT of money FAST, it is underway and seems its going to come through any day now.
My wife and i were speaking of what we will do with the money, spoke about real estate, moving and selling our home, all sounded great then she said she wants to take part of the money and put it aside for "FOR HERSALEF" i was shocked. she has accesses to every single dime and thing we own why would she want to "hide" anything away from me?

it seems to me she is getting ready to leave, that's what this sounds like anyway, why else would she want to put money "for herself" in some separate account i dont have access to.

really ticks me off she is creating this separation, of "mine and yours" in my eyes we are a team and own it all together. never was there anything she wanted she didn't get.
what are your thoughts? what other reasons would she want to put money aside for just herself?

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Rus47

· #18 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
we used to go to the same gym, she needs a trainer, and her trainer moved to another gym so she also did.

Going to a separate gym, even with a female trainer, is an opportunity to be groomed by other gym rats and/or the female. The whole gym genre is notorious for facilitating stuff not marriage friendly. But you likely know that already since you spend hours (?) there yourself. There have been plenty of instances where female convinced a wife to "join the other team" if you get my drift. If she is spending hours at the gym, she has bonded with who knows who there.

You have a lot of money, and evidently a lot more on the way. That is a major attraction, especially if your wife has been publicizing the situation.

BTW, is the wife maybe bored with working from home? Something has happened to change ( or maybe expose ) the dynamic in the marriage.

jonty30 said:
I think your wife should have some money, for emergencies, in the event of your death. Just to keep things simple until she sorts everything out.

They have joint accounts. Which means if he kicks the bucket she can access all the money they have in emergencies or otherwise. In fact, she could clean him totally out right now from both the business and personal account. He wouldn't even be able to hire an attorney. Worse, if she absconds with the funds from the business, he won't be able to pay the taxes either. I had a friend long ago whose business "partner" pulled everything out of the business account, left the country and my friend with no money and the IRS looking to him for their money. Not a good position to be in. I would have thought a business account would require both signatures to access funds, but what do I know?

My advice to him would be to get a personal account for himself and put at least as much in it for his own use as they put in her personal account.

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Rus47

· #19 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
it does not take time as my account is a joint account and she has access to the company account as well as many assets she can liquidate quick. also her family has money, I would not worry about her financialy wich makes it even more strange
. I wish she had an affair with the trainer SHE is super hot 😅 I should have mentioned it's she

This is IMO unwise for your own protection! You need to restructure this situation as fast as you can! Think of the risk to your own wellbeing! Right now she can write a huge retainer to an attorney and take you for however much she wants to. Maybe waiting until she gets her private account funded.

You wouldn't be the first spouse blindsided by a train wreck they didn't suspect. Thinking they were living a charmed marriage only to wake up one day with disaster on their doorstep.

Be careful what you wish for. The super hot female trainer may only be interested in wealthy females. She may have been giving your wife advice about life going forward.

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Rus47

· #38 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
correct. sadly i know we should, i tried a few times but i never could keep up

thing is it would be a stupid investment, why put $ in a place that it does not create more $$.
i asked her in a text maybe it would be easier to write - "why do you want to put money aside for yourself" ? still no response to that.

As she frantically crafts an answer😐

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Rus47

· #41 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
i only brought up ending the marriage after she said she wants to put a large sum aside for herself i said "well why dont we just do 50-50 and go our separate ways? seems you are building separations here anyway lets just dive in to it head on."

she did say she wants up both to put equal amounts aside.

my issue is that its not a smart finance move to lock money up, we could easily take that money and get a 10-15% return, why take it and waste it like that? but my fear is WHY, why would she want to create a separation, why does she want a place she can spend what she wants how she wants and hide it from me?

Because she has plans to split the partnership. No other logical explanation. See if she can give you a good explanation. Wanting to work a minimum wage job to escape home, wanting her own bank account, spending hours away from home at the gym seems she wants to escape from you. Maybe her mother is advising her based on recent experience with your FIL.

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Rus47

· #50 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
do you guys think it would be ok to say "you want separation, fine from now on we both pay bills? " and split all the bills down the middle?

What are your company’s bylaws? Would be better to set it up so both of you sign off on disbursements or withdrawals larger than petty cash. What does your CPA advise? If you just unilaterally take her off of the business account hiw does that even happen? Who has ownership of the business?

i have never owned a business but my relatives who did had strict rules in place to prevent any one event from sinking the business. Arent you an LLC or sonething similar?

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Rus47

· #66 · Jan 15, 2022

nick46davis said:
Well im the only registered owner, i built this company from scratch, working 24/7 as a service tech myself at the start.
she has the login info, i could just take her phone off from the secondary protection text service and she wont be able to log in without my phone...

as for taking money out, i give myself a paycheck monthly (less taxes) and she takes half of it or more to her account on regular basis.

So you are a sole proprietorship? That is maybe what scared her after her mother's experience. Just taking her off the business account will tip her off that something is afoot. You dont want deep pockets and well connected daddy rescuing his baby girl.

Surely you have a CPA and attorney for your business. Explain the issue and ask their advice. Would restructuring into an LLC actually protect your business and personal finances from lawsuits etc while also protecting against wife draining the business accounts. Couched as restructuring because business has grown too big for sole proprietor is a goid reason. What about a trust arrangement?

Meanwhile, suggest just splitting majority of joint personal account into individual accounts. Gives her what she wsnts and protects you sonewhat.

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Rus47

· #87 · Jan 15, 2022 (Edited)

nick46davis said:
hmm very good points, she does have a close relationship with the trainer, and i am not sure what the relationship status of the trainer is, i

as for our sex life, we are married for 10 years, yes it is not what it used to be for a while now. i assumed this is normal.

So your wife is going to the gym to be with the trainer? Not to train?

Some would say the passion wanes after a decade married. Some would say that is normal. I would say that is only true if a couple allows it. And ignoring it is not a good idea IMO. Awhile now is how long? Is there anything that coincided with the dropoff?

Since your gym work is focused on building yourself, I would think moving to your wifes gym would be a great idea. A win on many levels, put a crimp into any funny business too. Heck maybe you can train together with your wife using the same trainer 😊

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Rus47

· #105 · Jan 16, 2022

Ragnar Ragnasson said:
It sounds like money isn't an issue for either spouse including generational money, which makes the focus on money perhaps not the usual I'm getting ready to leave you. Not guaranteed of course but the W has money available to her at any time, anyway.

I am seeing some of what another poster wrote about OP controlling funds. As an example, the wife evidently embarks on things she never finishes. Like wanting to be a paramedic and not finishing the task. And when she proposes an expenditure, OP is approving or disapproving. She grew up wealthy, he grew up poor. She has a wealthy father who after many years married has divorced her mother, and she perceives her mother is left without means of supporting herself in old age. He has been poor, and has an understandable concern about becoming poor again.

So there is a dynamic between the two creating some tension. Honestly, the wife and I have all in common. And neither of us questions what the other chooses to buy. The wife buys probably more clothing than she needs, her closet overflows, but enjoys dressing well. She grew up poor, and resolved as a young girl that someday she would buy clothes in a nice store. It greatly pleases me to see her enjoy dressing well. I buy expensive hobby stuff, all certainly more than needed.. I grew up lower middle class. We both know how much we have and control ourselves.

I can imagine the OP's wife wants some money that she needn't account for. And a safety net if OP repeats what her father did. It is her perception that counts. I can imagine if my wife took control of my hobby spending and argued about every purchase made, it wouldn't be a happy experience. I would return the favor and as a result we would have some conflict over finances.

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Rus47

· #125 · Jan 17, 2022

jonty30 said:
I understand that.
Her issue is being secure when she gets older, when her husband holds all the financial cards.
She's looking for assurance that she won't end up like her mom.
In my opinion, it would be best to give her that assurance by allowing her that bank account.
If the marriage went south, it would be counted asset so it's awash in that respect.

To be fair, in the US she needs no approval from anyone to open a bank account in her name. Just ID and a tax number. She could open an account without his knowledge and fund it by drawing from the joint account. If hubby objects surely daddy will fund the account for his little girl. But he won’t be happy about it.

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