Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
61 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I've finally gotten my wife to agree to see a therapist--ostensibly because of severe stress caused by her increasingly demented elderly mother (who abused her as a child) and milquetoast daddy. Both are sitting in the Lord's waiting room and can't go soon enough. My wife is their executor and conservator so she can't avoid.

BUT the real elephant in the room is her drinking--between one and a half and two bottles of wine a night. Her personality flips when she's intoxicated and she gets mean. She knows she drinks too much and resents/refuses help. In fact, I'm thinking that the stuff with the folks is simply an excuse rather than a reason to keep over indulging. It's the drinking that's causing us grief as a couple and apparently now it's got her doc concerned about super elevated cholesterol and the possibility of panchreitus.

I've posted previously about the alcohol use and I'm hoping the therapist will address this.

So, the question is: Do I write to the therapist in advance of Mrs Joy's first session in about two weeks and lay out what's going on? I have a background in psychology and a masters degree in organizational behavior, but nothing clinical or extensive on an individual level. I'm thinking my wife won't bring up the alcohol use and certainly not present it as THE problem. It'd take a pretty sharp therapist to pull out of her all the stuff I could lay out.

But, what about breach of trust issues with the wife I wasn't planning on telling her about the back channel communication. And, would a therapist welcome or resent the contact?

I'd be grateful for any comments and especially those from any therapists who may be members of the forum.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
As a layperson... Stay out of it. If the therapist is any good, they'll get into that. If they're not any good, putting up roadmaps won't help.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,984 Posts
I'm really curious about this as well. Several years ago my wife went to a therapist for about eight months, and she made no progress and seemed more depressed and upset after each visit. I gathered that she just accepted my wife's tales of victimization and doom and never got to her real issues.

I wanted to send a letter laying out my wife's history because I thought it would be helpful, but didn't because I thought the contact might be revealed. That would undermine the whole process and waste the eight months she spent in therapy with this therapist.

A few weeks later my wife quit going because she wasn't getting anything out of it. She never told me why it wasn't helpful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,673 Posts
My ex was going to therapy for depression, at my insistence. At first there was improvement (meds were prescribed), but basic behaviors and interactions remained a problem. One night during a big fight, he admitted he hadn't been telling the therapist about various problems and hinted that suicide would make things better for family. I freaked and called the therapist who properly told me he could not discuss my ex's situation, but thanked me for my concern. The therapist apparently called my ex because the ex came at me, told me to stay out of his business and never returned to the therapist.

Personally, I think a good therapist knows when a patient is withholding, or flat out lying, particularly about substance abuse.
Could you request that the two of you go together to one session to discuss how her stress impacts you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,984 Posts
If the person attending therapy is going for the right reasons then an initial meeting with everyone involved could be helpful. If they are going with the intent of concealing some information then it will not be helpful.

In my wife's case, her aim was to get the therapist to tell her that she was right so that she could tell everyone who she wanted to manipulate that the therapist said it, so it must be true.

The two times we met with a therapist together, she rejected that therapist for vague reasons, but I think it was because she couldn't easily proceed with her manipulation process when I had clearly outlined conflicts that were causing problems. It didn't allow her to portray the problems her way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
958 Posts
You have to let the wife go through counseling and one thinks a good therapist would not get information from the husband behind her back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,938 Posts
The therapist will have to tell her about your action.

Just tell your wife you want at least one couple's session. The therapist will at some point ask you about your view.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top