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5 and a half year fantasy? So when does it become reality after 6 years or is it 10 years? Come on really most affairs break in less than a year then you get a huge portion break in the second year. After that you are in rare territory.

I get that you guys are pissed at him but at the moment he is looking at trying to stay with her NOT leave. And really after a one night affair we are talking leave when she at least looks like she wants to work on it?

You say the relationship was based in lies and deception I can point to 10 threads where the relationship was based on love and trust and yet it still failed. The point being that in ALL cases once you have adultery you kill the old one and have to restart to build a better relationship. And this is where he is. He wants to build a better one. He wants to stay with her where are the posts in how to KEEP her or what to look for in a reconciliation...instead we have posts on that he is a bad man and should leave her. This would only make both of the miserable when it looks like a good couples councilor could probably fix it.

Normally I see these posts when

1. No remorse

2. Multiple affairs

3. Massive deception

Here we a simple one if he had not been the OM would the posts be the same? Honestly does that one fact out way everything else do people who have affairs deserve to be happy? Does the OM deserve to find happiness or must all AP's be consigned to darkness?

My recommendations still stand send the PM and start reading those articles.
 
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The biggest set of gonads and all the threats and bravado in the world won't stop a cheater once their wheels are in motion. Sorry my friend but your wrong.

But yes I agree with you on one point: he could have taken his daughter and left.
We'll have to disagree I suppose. It is shown here, in these forums and in the "real world" in general, time and again, the BEST way to stop an affair is to NOT TOLERATE IT. Walk out. Kick them out. Hit them with divorce papers. Quick, hard, earth shaking strike to shake up their world.

The best way to ensure it will continue is to be an enabling weenie.

I don't recall a SINGLE TIME here that I've seen some "enabling weenie" as I mentioned (male or female), who gave their WS the "I still love you and want to work this out" speach while the WS was still cheating, that said cheating did not continue! If you can find a single time it has happened, show me...maybe I wasn't paying attention.

On the other hand, those men and women that had the "balls" or "t!ts" to stand up for themselves, and went "scorched earth" on their wayward spouses have had great success in blowing up the affairs. Is it 100%? No. But it's not ZERO...which is what rating the enabling weenie crowd is holding.

I'm sorry, but it's not "bravado". It is how some of us live our lives. We simply will not tolerate someone being disloyal or unfaithful to us. And if and when that day comes, we are certainly NOT going to beg, ask, plead, for "another chance" with someone who has ultimately demonstrated they were not worthy of us in the first place.

I stand by what I said...any man (or woman for that matter) who does as the OP did, and "allows" an affair to continue for no matter the reason, has lowered their standing in their spouse's eyes to such an extent that it is an UNRECOVERABLE error by someone who has been discovered as a weak, insecure individual. The very same way that those BS's who "allow" this to continue...or take a soft stand in the face of betrayal, discover the betrayal has in fact not stopped, sometimes days, weeks, or even years later.

Weak people are almost ALWAYS discovered. Some sooner than others. Some on one side of the cheating fence...some on the other. But when they are eventually discovered...it never ends well.
 

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We'll have to disagree I suppose. It is shown here, in these forums and in the "real world" in general, time and again, the BEST way to stop an affair is to NOT TOLERATE IT. Walk out. Kick them out. Hit them with divorce papers. Quick, hard, earth shaking strike to shake up their world.

The best way to ensure it will continue is to be an enabling weenie.

I don't recall a SINGLE TIME here that I've seen some "enabling weenie" as I mentioned (male or female), who gave their WS the "I still love you and want to work this out" speach while the WS was still cheating, that said cheating did not continue! If you can find a single time it has happened, show me...maybe I wasn't paying attention.

On the other hand, those men and women that had the "balls" or "t!ts" to stand up for themselves, and went "scorched earth" on their wayward spouses have had great success in blowing up the affairs. Is it 100%? No. But it's not ZERO...which is what rating the enabling weenie crowd is holding.

I'm sorry, but it's not "bravado". It is how some of us live our lives. We simply will not tolerate someone being disloyal or unfaithful to us. And if and when that day comes, we are certainly NOT going to beg, ask, plead, for "another chance" with someone who has ultimately demonstrated they were not worthy of us in the first place.

I stand by what I said...any man (or woman for that matter) who does as the OP did, and "allows" an affair to continue for no matter the reason, has lowered their standing in their spouse's eyes to such an extent that it is an UNRECOVERABLE error by someone who has been discovered as a weak, insecure individual. The very same way that those BS's who "allow" this to continue...or take a soft stand in the face of betrayal, discover the betrayal has in fact not stopped, sometimes days, weeks, or even years later.

Weak people are almost ALWAYS discovered. Some sooner than others. Some on one side of the cheating fence...some on the other. But when they are eventually discovered...it never ends well.
Please address what he is actually saying.

He is not saying 'enable'. He is saying a woman or man who WANTS to cheat cannot be watched 24/7and kept away from some strange unless one goes the path of chador, eunuchs, harems, etc.

This is very difficult to pull off on a middle class budget.

But you beat merry hell out of that strawman.
 

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5 and a half year fantasy? So when does it become reality after 6 years or is it 10 years? Come on really most affairs break in less than a year then you get a huge portion break in the second year. After that you are in rare territory.

I get that you guys are pissed at him but at the moment he is looking at trying to stay with her NOT leave. And really after a one night affair we are talking leave when she at least looks like she wants to work on it?

You say the relationship was based in lies and deception I can point to 10 threads where the relationship was based on love and trust and yet it still failed. The point being that in ALL cases once you have adultery you kill the old one and have to restart to build a better relationship. And this is where he is. He wants to build a better one. He wants to stay with her where are the posts in how to KEEP her or what to look for in a reconciliation...instead we have posts on that he is a bad man and should leave her. This would only make both of the miserable when it looks like a good couples councilor could probably fix it.

Normally I see these posts when

1. No remorse

2. Multiple affairs

3. Massive deception

Here we a simple one if he had not been the OM would the posts be the same? Honestly does that one fact out way everything else do people who have affairs deserve to be happy? Does the OM deserve to find happiness or must all AP's be consigned to darkness?

My recommendations still stand send the PM and start reading those articles.
The largest problem I see is one of motives.

Okie stated she wasn't trying, she checked out, and didn't argue when he ended things. SHE WAS GONE.

Now, one very uncomfortable reunion later,she is faced with some hard truths:

A). She is warping toward 40

B) with kids

C) she's proven unreliable

D) she is breaking an engagement long overdue

And E) she will have to explain that she is destroying 5 lives be ause she couldn't say no to a bit of strange dark meat that she had never ACTUALLY MET. (Okie...does this tell you how much she valued your relationship?). Three weeks of sweet talking was all it took.

So I feel it very important to address these issues so at least Okie knows what her primary motives are so he can have a fair assessment of his chances and how much HE should be willing to invest in this.

Now...there is probably a soupçon of regret and affection left...but that is not a lot of foundation for an R.

So...onto the advice portion of the program, OP.

1) kick her out. Her and the kids. Yes, they did nothing, but as you said, she hasn't shown ANY remorse.

2). Tell your sister to enforce the lease on the other house. There is no soft landing there.

3). Break the engagement officially to her parents. You owe them no explanations. She gets to twist in the wind with that one. Do NOT expose...but you let her take the blame for the relationship problems. She deserves that.

These steps are NOT anti R. She needs to see you as willing to hold boundaries (you have been woefully lacking so far) and she needs to DESIRE the marriage, if not you.

4). Tell her you have no desire to increase your sexual repertoire. She gets the sex life 'as is'. (You are of course lying). If she can't live with that, hit the bricks sister. Your relationship will no longer be based on her sexual desires nor will you take any blame for her actions. People always want more. They are not 'owed' it. Certainly SHE isn't.

If you are stupid enough to let her stay in the house, kick her out of the bedroom. Honestly, have you learned nothing?

Now let's talk about YOUR motives. If I hypothetically had a good run in Vegas and would pay off your house, would you stay?

If her parents ensured you'd see her kids regularly, would you stay?

If she took the reputation hit and you'd be seen as a manly man who tossed out the garbage, would you stay?

If you knew that 40year old men pull in women like nobodies business and you didn't need to fear the future, would you stay?

It took you FIVE YEARS to get engaged...why so long? I'm guessing you are more interested in 'winning' than in her...or just want the socio economic benefits.

But your story and tone make me wonder at the authenticity of this post. It's a cream pie away from a porn story.

Assuming it's genuine, is that how you want to see your relationship?

Now...you are doing a lot corrected the ring, the not going to the reunion, the ending things. She neds to fel the cold wind outside and she needs to do the heavy lifting.

So you inform her that you are willing to R but you are not interested in the work until you see HER efforts. Then go 180.
 

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Let me add that if you DO try to R, you still cancel the wedding. She is a broken, buggy laptop. She needs to prove she's been 'refurbished' before you legally tie yourself to this woman. And that, my friend, is a LONG time coming.

And is this situation hasn't scared you enough to insist on a pre- nup regarding the house expenses, you are unteachable.

Why the devil are you trying to pay for appliances she bought for 'the family'? Is she working on paying YOU for the house you bought?
 

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Discussion Starter #106
The largest problem I see is one of motives.

Okie stated she wasn't trying, she checked out, and didn't argue when he ended things. SHE WAS GONE.

Now, one very uncomfortable reunion later,she is faced with some hard truths:

A). She is warping toward 40

B) with kids

C) she's proven unreliable

D) she is breaking an engagement long overdue

And E) she will have to explain that she is destroying 5 lives be ause she couldn't say no to a bit of strange dark meat that she had never ACTUALLY MET. (Okie...does this tell you how much she valued your relationship?). Three weeks of sweet talking was all it took.

So I feel it very important to address these issues so at least Okie knows what her primary motives are so he can have a fair assessment of his chances and how much HE should be willing to invest in this.

Now...there is probably a soupçon of regret and affection left...but that is not a lot of foundation for an R.

So...onto the advice portion of the program, OP.

1) kick her out. Her and the kids. Yes, they did nothing, but as you said, she hasn't shown ANY remorse.

2). Tell your sister to enforce the lease on the other house. There is no soft landing there.

3). Break the engagement officially to her parents. You owe them no explanations. She gets to twist in the wind with that one. Do NOT expose...but you let her take the blame for the relationship problems. She deserves that.

These steps are NOT anti R. She needs to see you as willing to hold boundaries (you have been woefully lacking so far) and she needs to DESIRE the marriage, if not you.

4). Tell her you have no desire to increase your sexual repertoire. She gets the sex life 'as is'. (You are of course lying). If she can't live with that, hit the bricks sister. Your relationship will no longer be based on her sexual desires nor will you take any blame for her actions. People always want more. They are not 'owed' it. Certainly SHE isn't.

If you are stupid enough to let her stay in the house, kick her out of the bedroom. Honestly, have you learned nothing?

Now let's talk about YOUR motives. If I hypothetically had a good run in Vegas and would pay off your house, would you stay?

If her parents ensured you'd see her kids regularly, would you stay?

If she took the reputation hit and you'd be seen as a manly man who tossed out the garbage, would you stay?

If you knew that 40year old men pull in women like nobodies business and you didn't need to fear the future, would you stay?

It took you FIVE YEARS to get engaged...why so long? I'm guessing you are more interested in 'winning' than in her...or just want the socio economic benefits.

But your story and tone make me wonder at the authenticity of this post. It's a cream pie away from a porn story.

Assuming it's genuine, is that how you want to see your relationship?

Now...you are doing a lot corrected the ring, the not going to the reunion, the ending things. She neds to fel the cold wind outside and she needs to do the heavy lifting.

So you inform her that you are willing to R but you are not interested in the work until you see HER efforts. Then go 180.
Man, tough words but uplifting, somehow. No, this is in no way some sick porn storyline. I wish it was.

Why can't I out her to her parents? I want her to hit rock bottom and I'm pretty certain that will put her there. I'm listening to all your advice and will try to follow the best I can, but I was really wanting her getting hit with facing the music with her parents. Will it completely ruin any chance of reconciliation? If that's the case than I guess I won't, but part of me thinks it might let her hit bottom, and that's when I would have a chance to see her truly remorseful for what she has done.

Oh, and what does op mean. I wish I knew what all these acronyms stood for.
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Man, tough words but uplifting, somehow. No, this is in no way some sick porn storyline. I wish it was.

Why can't I out her to her parents? I want her to hit rock bottom and I'm pretty certain that will put her there. I'm listening to all your advice and will try to follow the best I can, but I was really wanting her getting hit with facing the music with her parents. Will it completely ruin any chance of reconciliation? If that's the case than I guess I won't, but part of me thinks it might let her hit bottom, and that's when I would have a chance to see her truly remorseful for what she has done.

Oh, and what does op mean. I wish I knew what all these acronyms stood for.
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Please look at my signature. My avatar really IS a warning label...

This guy isn't an affair...he's 'the hornies'. Honestly I would expose, but you might invoke so much resentment that she will have no desire to R. I think canceling the engagement and tossing her ass out for a while will suffice. Besides, it gives you a test for her. Does SHE want to fix things enough to out herself? She'll probably skip some details, but the principle is important.

OP is original poster.

The 180 is to emotionally separate from her and stop trying to 'nice' her back. Don't be mean. Treat her like a roommate. One who is not owed your business.
 

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Man, tough words but uplifting, somehow. No, this is in no way some sick porn storyline. I wish it was.

Why can't I out her to her parents? I want her to hit rock bottom and I'm pretty certain that will put her there. I'm listening to all your advice and will try to follow the best I can, but I was really wanting her getting hit with facing the music with her parents. Will it completely ruin any chance of reconciliation? If that's the case than I guess I won't, but part of me thinks it might let her hit bottom, and that's when I would have a chance to see her truly remorseful for what she has done.

Oh, and what does op mean. I wish I knew what all these acronyms stood for.
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You want her to hit rock bottom because you love her so much?
You want her to hit rock bottom for revenge purposes?
You want her to hit rock bottom so she can feel the pain you're feeling?

Was she remorseful when she cheated on her husband with you..or where you enjoying yourself too much to care about him or your partner (since you "used each other to leave unhappy marriages")

You do love a pity party, feeling sorry for yourself. You thought you were a savior, finding your soulmate after such unhappiness.

The fact is you are both cheaters.

The fact is she's not married to you so cheating on someone she has no respect for is frankly easier than cheating on her husband.. and make no mistake about the respect levels she has for you, the porn thing was just the kicker or the death blow. What did she do? The same thing she did when she lost respect for her husband...she went somewhere else to find someone whom she could "use" to bring her out of her unhappy relationship.

You act like she's destroying a home, a family. This the same people that destroyed two homes to create this new home?

Reality check. Stop deluding yourself about the value she has in you or the value of this relationship. She told you she wouldn't cheat on you and went ahead and did it. That's how much she respects you.

Get rid of.

Start a new life with someone based on foundations of trust, love and respect. A nurturing relationship the children can respect, but you can't do that if you don't respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself how can anyone else?
 

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Hesitant in posting...writing style familiar, also we seem to have an infestation.

Apologies OP if you are genuine.
 
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Please look at my signature. My avatar really IS a warning label...

This guy isn't an affair...he's 'the hornies'. Honestly I would expose, but you might invoke so much resentment that she will have no desire to R. I think canceling the engagement and tossing her ass out for a while will suffice. Besides, it gives you a test for her. Does SHE want to fix things enough to out herself? She'll probably skip some details, but the principle is important.

OP is original poster.

The 180 is to emotionally separate from her and stop trying to 'nice' her back. Don't be mean. Treat her like a roommate. One who is not owed your business.
Why would he want to reconcile? I think he should just go find himself a good woman that firmly believes that cheating isn't an option when there are relationship issues. His fiance doesn't seem to mind stepping out if things aren't perfect. I don't think this is something that will change.
 

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Discussion Starter #112
Ouch. Yes this genuine.
I know better than anyone now that the porn thing was very bad. I have taken quite the beating from some people on here about, and I want everyone to know it was wrong. Please ease up on me a bit, bob.

I turned to porn in my last marriage when the x would never have sex with me. I figured it was better than going out and cheating. When the new relationship started, I just didn't see the poison enough to let it go. I know it was wrong now.

I know we didn't start this thing out correctly. I also have remorse from that. I truly do. I have since the beginning. Like I said before, I went as far as sending her x a heart felt apology and even offered him one free punch to my head if he thought it would make him feel better. So I guess I'm saying please understand I know I have done plenty of wrong.

Thanks though for everyone making that painfully clear though.

I ended up making her sleep on the couch last night. She came to me this morning and for the first time she broke down crying very hard and telling me she was sorry for hurting me. She said she only wants us. She said she was willing to do whatever it takes to save us. I told her lets not make any promises right now, but that I couldn't lie, I also want us. I told her we would have to work on each other first and see if we could start out new. Not to go back to what we thought might have been good, but to try and start over. She agreed and we said we would do the counseling thing and see how that goes.

I hope I'm not being too much of a door matt.
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Ouch. Yes this genuine.
I know better than anyone now that the porn thing was very bad. I have taken quite the beating from some people on here about, and I want everyone to know it was wrong. Please ease up on me a bit, bob.

I turned to porn in my last marriage when the x would never have sex with me. I figured it was better than going out and cheating. When the new relationship started, I just didn't see the poison enough to let it go. I know it was wrong now.

I know we didn't start this thing out correctly. I also have remorse from that. I truly do. I have since the beginning. Like I said before, I went as far as sending her x a heart felt apology and even offered him one free punch to my head if he thought it would make him feel better. So I guess I'm saying please understand I know I have done plenty of wrong.

Thanks though for everyone making that painfully clear though.

I ended up making her sleep on the couch last night. She came to me this morning and for the first time she broke down crying very hard and telling me she was sorry for hurting me. She said she only wants us. She said she was willing to do whatever it takes to save us. I told her lets not make any promises right now, but that I couldn't lie, I also want us. I told her we would have to work on each other first and see if we could start out new. Not to go back to what we thought might have been good, but to try and start over. She agreed and we said we would do the counseling thing and see how that goes.

I hope I'm not being too much of a door matt.
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"I am not giving you an answer to your engagement proposal, but it's probably yes."

Sigh...

I take it that your job in no way involves negotiation...
 

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Hesitant in posting...writing style familiar, also we seem to have an infestation.

Apologies OP if you are genuine.
That's why I try to have fun with it and still get points across that I think are important. I am not sure if this is real - I question if it is TBH - but there is opportunity in responding on a thread that is meant to troll. Instead of getting upset at the story woven by a troll, use it as an opportunity to get on your own soap box and get your POV out there. That's what I've started doing - plus have some fun with it too.
 

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Sorry but I must say WTH is wrong with men in this century....where is your pride,self respect,etc...

she said straight to your face that she is going in another state/country/town whatever to have sex with another man and leaving you at home with children and all it takes for her to have a chance at reconcilation is some crying and saying that she will do whatever it takes to fix this...sorry but I dont know how you can attempt reconciliation with a person like this in the first place...

she never even tried to hide it and go underground like other WS after they are busted...thats how little she thinks of you and how little respect she has for you,actually she has none ...

and now that she had her sex party with OM now she will do everything to stay...

And unlike many on this forum you are even lucky to not be married and dont have children with her and yet you are stil deciding to torture yourself with reconcilation and a life of misery. LOL good luck with this woman in future...


P.S. I must say its not nice to destroy someone elses family,and yes you helped her to leave her husband and to break a home (you knew she wasnt divorced)...now thanks to karma you know how it feels...Still you dont deserve this,actually noone deserves to be betrayed...


Good Luck
 
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