Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I wish he was anyone else. Anyone, other than the dude that was dating my wife while I was married to her. Before the divorce was a decision, during the divorce, and the month I lived at the old house before I found mine to move to, she was going out with this "friend". This wasnt the dude she had previously said was her soulmate, and which led me to dig and find that indeed she was having at least an EA. Up until that point I was told that she was simply feeling empty about our own marriage and wasnt sure about it. Then I found out about dude #1. Now this second guy, evidently seeing an opportunity present itself in my married wife, was present and that presence ensured there was not to be any working of things out between us. It is as if the ex had reached a point where getting away from our marriage was the only option for her.

I wasnt a bad husband or friend or Dad. I took care of things, I kept a steady job, I wasnt an alcoholic or gambler or abusive physically or mentally. I expressed love and up to the point of being blindsided with the news that she was feeling empty about the marriage, nothing led me to believe something was wrong until she said so. Asking, led no where. I always got the "nothing" response.

Yesterday, when I picked my kid up from the old marital home, (this being a year and a few months after divorce), I heard thru the door my daughter saying goodbye to the ex's guy #2 that she moved in a few months after I moved out.
So thru his support of the destruction of my marraige, and the ex ushering him right into place in the marital home, he gets to have a great cordial friendly relationship with my kid, and she doesnt understand what he and the ex did.
To me, hes the bad guy!! Sounds silly I know. And of course I dont want my daughter to have a bad relationship with whomever her mom moves in over there, but this guy was instrumental in the destruction of my family. Now he gets to play family with them, and I get to shove off to live by myself and see my kid every other week, the same amount of time he does.

Doesnt really make me feel like Im much of sh!t at all.
Having a family and a child was so much more valuable to me than it appears a lot of people feel towards it. Ive done a lot in life, accomplished a lot of things, but the greatest was to experience the joy and personal growth that being a family man was. And now, the "Bad guy" is just fking handed the golden ticket. And Im sure he prides himself in ingratiating himself with my kid, and im sure the ex is happy to see that such a position can be filled by just any old slop of a man.

I hate this. I hate how the powers that be just allow this to be.

Its like a sh!t sandwich that you just have to eat and "try not to dwell on". Ive NEVER been one to do "nothing" about something so deeply effecting of my life.

This is a fkin travesty of the highest order, and its like seeing one of the last things worthy of any value at all about myself being gifted to a homewrecker.

Thats MY daughter..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
My issue is watching the dooooshbag that helped wreck my family moved in to the marital home, and having a loving relationship with my daughter. Where evil is rewarded with something of such great value and privelege, just handed the fking most important thing that "I" worked so hard for, and sacrificed so much for.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
I get that you are upset and yes you have a right to be. Just try not to wallow in it too long. Try to focus on the positives. Your daughter gets to have a step-parent who she obviously cares about and who cares for her. What can you do to be happy on your own?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
"Your daughter gets to have a (guy who ruined the marriage between her dad and mom, as well as destroyed her family) who she obviously cares about and who cares for her..(because mommy says so). This guy has the value of a tablespoon of dog sh!t, and I have no means of explaining the wrong of it to her, and wont, because of the obvious problems that would cause.

He's no step parent. That word "parent" is reserved for something much more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Trust me, I wish the "Divorce" was the last injury I had to endure, but ohhhh was I mistaken. Theres been insult piled upon insult since then, and its thru my struggle for relevence in my daughters life that is simply equated to the same thing as any old scumbag mommy moves in.. that sucks.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
788 Posts
this guy was instrumental in the destruction of my family.
I feel for you, I really do. I'm a few years post divorce and my relationship with one of my 2 daughters has been adversely afffected to the point that we haven't spoken in over a year now, she's completely cut me out of her life.

I don't have to deal with another guy replacing me, as far as I know there's no one else although she's been in a few stormy relationships, but I digress.

I do question the one part of your post quoted above. I don't know the back story and I'm not condoning her cheating. But there were problems in the marriage prior to the cheating. Usually there's shared blame when a relationship fails, it's rarely all "one person's fault" unless they're a drug addict or have some sort of major mental issue.

One major step in healing and moving on with your life is to be self accountable, find the reasons that the marriage failed especially your own role so that you don't perpetuate those mistakes going forward. Otherwise you're destined to repeat the same cycle over and over for the rest of your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Shoo, I have kinda stayed away from this site since Christmas because of exactly what you are going through. I wish I had an answer for you as I am currently searching for peace with my own situation. As usual, it is extremely similar. I'm trying to not allow the anger to over-take me. But....I have also come to understand that I've allowed myself to mask all of my emotions over the past two years instead of confronting them. How I will do this I have yet to figure out but the feeling of insult is still there.

I fight the feeling of wanting revenge. I, like you, swallowed my pride and walked away when I wanted to fight to the end. It is something that I have never been able to do before in my life and it just doesn't feel right. But, there is/was no other option. We both had to walk away because no matter what we did at the time we were going to lose something.

My ex married the OM within one year of the divorce. He went on a "family" vacation one month after the divorce was final. They had a "traditional" wedding in a church in front of a lot of family and "friends." All of it makes me sick to my stomach to this day.

I've coped the best I know how and that is by diving head first into my work and hiding from life. But, I don't know how to get out of it. Every time I feel like I'm doing the right things new roadblocks pop up and I end up back in the same place.

Our families were what we chose to define us. It was the ultimate goal for you and I. That was the first mistake we made and it is a hard one to change.

Good luck, brother. Not sure I can do anything for you other than stating that you are not alone in the way you feel.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Paradise, THANKS. I needed to hear from someone who is going thru it too. Ive given up on thinking "greater good" will prevail, as it seems life has gone to great extremes to prove otherwise.

Sharkey, I understand what you are saying. I remember so very many times when I would try to communicate/talk to my wife about what might be bothering her, if anything was, even when I myself was feeling a detachment between us. She would never speak. I was left with answers being "nothing", or "just tired". Persistence led to her stonewalling and getting aggravated with me, to the point that she started using words like me being "whiny". It only takes once for me to hear that, be taken that way, so I quit asking.

A month before I got the ILYBNILWY talk, she called me her soulmate and wished me happy anniversary publicly, so I was led to believe everything was alright. Once she finally gave me the "talk" about not being in love anymore, and not sure what to do, I found out from this very website, that something more could be going on. So I looked at cellphone records and found hundreds of calls and texts to an old h.s. boyfriend, that had been carrying on for years. There were literally more than a hundred msgs back and forth between them the month prior to getting the talk from her.

If there WAS something I did, or was doing or whatever, it is completely up to me to figure it out. After the divorce I tried asking and she said I had always been wonderful.. so I have no idea, none of it made sense.

Just dealing with the fallout,, here a year later,, and kind of wishing I was done with all the painful sh!t by now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
728 Posts
Paradise, THANKS. I needed to hear from someone who is going thru it too. Ive given up on thinking "greater good" will prevail, as it seems life has gone to great extremes to prove otherwise.

Sharkey, I understand what you are saying. I remember so very many times when I would try to communicate/talk to my wife about what might be bothering her, if anything was, even when I myself was feeling a detachment between us. She would never speak. I was left with answers being "nothing", or "just tired". Persistence led to her stonewalling and getting aggravated with me, to the point that she started using words like me being "whiny". It only takes once for me to hear that, be taken that way, so I quit asking.

A month before I got the ILYBNILWY talk, she called me her soulmate and wished me happy anniversary publicly, so I was led to believe everything was alright. Once she finally gave me the "talk" about not being in love anymore, and not sure what to do, I found out from this very website, that something more could be going on. So I looked at cellphone records and found hundreds of calls and texts to an old h.s. boyfriend, that had been carrying on for years. There were literally more than a hundred msgs back and forth between them the month prior to getting the talk from her.

If there WAS something I did, or was doing or whatever, it is completely up to me to figure it out. After the divorce I tried asking and she said I had always been wonderful.. so I have no idea, none of it made sense.

Just dealing with the fallout,, here a year later,, and kind of wishing I was done with all the painful sh!t by now.

Hey I sent you a pm the other day.
I am so sorry that you are going through this crap. I hope that you find some peace in all this.. You are stronger then you know... Keep your head up and your middle finger higher....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,871 Posts
Shoo my friend, if you are like me, we have our own personal hardships and may be difficult to be around sometimes, but we gave real love as best we could, and with all our ability, but your story reminds me that sometimes it truly is them not us that caused this mess. Nobody is perfect, not us not our ex spouses, and maybe even you were not compatible with yours, but there is now no way to ever know because they chose to give in to their compulsions rather than continue with what they once committed to continue with.

So eat you sh1t sandwich and do it with a big sh1t eating grin because you love your daughter. In time she will mature into an adult and will understand what her mother did, and she will have your back because you spoke the truth and protected her. And while she will always love you both, you will have her utmost trust too.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
Shoo, have you considered subscribing the OM2 to some gay porn mags and having them sent to the house?

If you are paying spousal support can you go after a modification because he is now living in the house?

Any reason why you can't tell your daughter that the reason the family is broken is because of the Om2?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,185 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
LOL Shaggy. Gay porn.. Thats a lot nicer than things I have thought of.. considering the sudden disappearance of "good" that is supposed to triumph in these situations...

Im alright today... somehow the kiddo must have picked up on my melancholy and had a lot of hugs to give. Powerful medicine.
Dropped her off at her moms this morning, as an end to my week with her. Its always easier pulling up, when his car isnt in the driveway. Still, a year later, and I get that sinking feeling in my gut when I go over there,, and ive done it every other week every morning and every afternoon. Watching the changes over there, solidifies the desire to get back to my own house asap.

I dont pay spousal support here, just child support, and a reduced one at that since the ex earns so much more than I, and due to the shared custody schedule. I think in the past I have been at the point where Ive probably revealed my disgust for the OM2, and the fact that his presence prevented any route to working things out while married. (sigh),, remembering watching the ex get ready to go out with him, citing the person as just a friend, certainly not indicating gender or whom.. Thats not normal... BUT, it is the "prize" the OM2 gets to have in his life now.. Enjoy bud, I had my fill for sure.

My sister reminded me the other day that theres no way a few months with OM2 is going to diminish ten years of being Daddy, and shes right, Ive just felt like Ive lost so much in different areas even outside of the "family", that seeing any threat to anything left is fight or die for...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
210 Posts
-Struggling with the same issues just glad the exes boyfriend lives 100 miles away.But yeah the guy has slid right into my old shoes he even attends my kids school functions when hes here.From what I gather though he seems to be a decent person has a big house -has three sons of his own makes lots of money-which no doubt is the exes prime consideration-I feel sorry for him should they get married! But yeah youve got to count your blessings that your ex isn't hanging out with a convicted pediophile-I know a guy who had that problem and couldn't get his kid out of the situation.I think the crux of divorce is truly that there is no justice and sometimes far from it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
424 Posts
This is exactly what I hate the most about divorce. Losing out on part of our children's lives and only because there were some selfish choices made that made it hard to work through and heal-because there wasn't any healing to be done. So there is the loss that my children also endure of a family happy and together.

I will miss my children's birthdays from now on unless I travel to their Dad's state as he has them in the summer. It hurts like nothing else. The loss of the family-with two happy parents and all of us living together and making it through this life together. That is the s*it of it all-they are losing out.

I used to hate this saying~but I try to remember it when I am feeling so down about not having my children here with me all the time: Life isn't fair. Such a damn cliche but my God it is true. The only thing I know how to do is be accepting and try my best to be the parent I need to be right now when I have them with me.

I have just started trying to savor the time I have with my children. They will be grown up and adults before I know it. I don't want for them to have another mother in their lives; but the reality is it will happen. She won't really be their mother-but hopefully just another person that loves and cares for them. No one can take that away-not any selfish choice, not my guilt for not staying with my husband for my children's sake. Ultimately-it would have been wrong. They are mine.

So-I do feel so much for you and in what you have written. It sucks so bad at times.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
78 Posts
Yes, it hurts that people get away with so much, and yes people do make mistakes in marriages but lying and cheating? Does that ever fix anything?

I wish he wasnt their father, thats all.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top