She's about to move away with the OM!

12310 Views 51 Replies 27 Participants Last post by Malaise, Nov 20, 2012

NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · Nov 19, 2012

Married 4 years, no kids. I'm 30, wife 29.

She's having an affair, been going on 4 months, 2 months with my knowledge. She's been out of the house since the end of August and staying with him for the last month. She's on the verge of moving to another city with him, but said we could still stay married. Um, that was the final straw for me and I picked up divorce papers, told her I'd file the next day if she moved, and finally said I'd cease all contact with her (admittedly it took me too long) unless she ceased contact with him.

Last night I came home and found a letter saying she wanted to end our marriage, which I expected but still what a hard blow. I spent the night laying in bed with my eyes closed and sleep-swearing (like snoring but instead I muttered "****"). Then this morning I get a text saying she thinks she made a mistake. When I was at work I get another one saying she's willing to cease contact and come home, and could I pick her up from his house now and all her stuff. So of course I left work immediately, picked her up, and brought her home.

I knew it was going to be rough, and that she'd be fighting an urge to go back to him. I expected a rough couple days at the very least. Well I got on the train back to work and received a text that she'd moved all her stuff back. She was home for an hour. She's tried to leave him several times, and according to her, very often has a "come get me" text prepared to send me with her finger hovering over the button. This was the longest she's ever left him.

Now she is almost certainly moving in two weeks. She wants to remain friends, but I told her Friday will be the last day she sees me until she ceases contact with the OM - which could very well mean I'll never see her or speak to her again.

I have one last possibility for bringing her out of the fog - that a dearly respected and deeply religious aunt of hers doesn't know about her affair. Some of her family knows already, and she's planning on bringing the OM home for Christmas (ugh), but should I ask her aunt to talk some sense into her?

Also since I just started no contact and it seems to have had an immediate effect, should I wait a while to file for divorce?

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oliviapeter31

· #2 · Nov 19, 2012

Hi there. I think, if you still love her, you should wait for divorce and try to solve this problem. Try to convince her that you still love her. What about your kids? What will happen to them if you and her separated? Try to find any marriage counselor to be a person for you and her can talk about your marriage. I hope your marriage will not ending. Gud luck bro

AngryandUsed

· #3 · Nov 19, 2012

Sorry, OP, she is gone, long ago.
Do 180. Get counseling.
Move on with your life..........

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Pault

· #4 · Nov 19, 2012

Oh dear. sorry to read this one. There can be nothing worse that being played like a fish on a line but a cheating partner. Yes she is in the fog however, she has made a number of statements wanting to be with the other guy and I suppose she ikes that adrenalin rush of the affair. Now the affair is open and you know about all the points its a one to one relationship and she perhaps sees a life with the OM is a mirror of what she had with you - You are in love with here but that of course is natural, thats why you chose her.....
As to what now. Youve made your statement, youve set out your stall and provided her with clear lines and she has crossed these knowing that you are being torn apart.

Consider this; If she moves back in is there a part of you thgat feels that she will be fully committed to reconcilliation and to be faithfull? Will you trust her when she says shes going somewhere and changes plans without telling you and are you confident that shes now tasted the excitment of the affir and will not want to try again with this guy ot others. In any casee if she is to come back then she has to buy in to agreements that hard and case in stone boundries. Cpuncilling will be required and I suppose there will be a huge number of questions you want answers to not once but may times until the hurt feeling fades. Its a big call, but be satisified that serving the D papers and letting her see that you mean what you say is the right way to go.

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NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · #5 · Nov 19, 2012

No kids, and I definitely do not want to divorce. I have been enduring this for 2.5 months now though, with no end in sight. She will not divorce me herself. It's a guilt thing, I know, but at the same time she became genuinely worried about never seeing me again.

After she came home today and subsequently returned to the OM, I texted her saying she should stop following her emotions because they just keep leading her back and forth between me and the OM, and I reminded her she only has a few days before she never see me again. Her reply? "That's your choice". Which leads me to believe she doesn't think I'll actually refrain from contacting her. So that's why I'm wondering if I should hold off on the D for a short while, enough time to let her know I'm serious about ceasing contact and to let her really experience life without me. Another concern is I've already given a hard date for the D, and postponing it could damage my credibility.

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NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 19, 2012

Pault: There is a part of me that feels she wants to return but is too hooked on the drug. I saw it today when she came home. And the OM has stated to her he'd move back to his home country and never return if he gets dumped (due to the pain), so that gives me great comfort if she should return.

NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · #7 · Nov 19, 2012

Also I know she's planning on telling her family that it was a mutual decision, and that she started dating the OM after we broke up. I'd really like to clear the air on that one, and feel that her family should know she had an affair and I fought tooth and nail to save our marriage - and didn't just agree to part ways. Should I tell them? Would that stir up enough trouble to help break them up, or would that doom my chances of reconciliation?

oliviapeter31

· #8 · Nov 19, 2012

NotDoneYet said:
Pault: There is a part of me that feels she wants to return but is too hooked on the drug. I saw it today when she came home. And the OM has stated to her he'd move back to his home country and never return if he gets dumped (due to the pain), so that gives me great comfort if she should return.

Be patient man. I hope she will come back to you.

aug

· #9 · Nov 19, 2012

You're young enough not to play this type of game with your cheating wife for the next few decades.

Should you reconcile, you'll always be wondering if she's cheating again. You'll wonder when she's pregnant if the child is yours. You'll wonder why you have such low self-respect to put up with her sh!t.

You're too new in this marriage for her to be playing this type of game. She gave you a free ticket. No kids. Take the ticket and move on.

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BjornFree

· #10 · Nov 19, 2012

oliviapeter31 said:
Be patient man. I hope she will come back to you.

Yeah she'll come back alright. When the fun's over and she's used and tossed aside. As painful as divorce is, its often the only way to go. Good luck and stay strong.

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roostr

· #11 · Nov 19, 2012

The truth is the fact that you are enduring it basically makes the entire affair much easier for your wife. You are making it way way too easy for her, she knows all she has to do is send you a text message "pick me up" and you will drop what you are doing and run there to get her. Then she misses the OM and she can go back to him, this is unreal, you should take a look at what the people here refer to as the 180. The way you're handeling this it is not going to work in your favor. good luck 2u

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oliviapeter31

· #12 · Nov 19, 2012

roostr said:
The truth is the fact that you are enduring it basically makes the entire affair much easier for your wife. You are making it way way too easy for her, she knows all she has to do is send you a text message "pick me up" and you will drop what you are doing and run there to get her. Then she misses the OM and she can go back to him, this is unreal, you should take a look at what the people here refer to as the 180. The way you're handeling this it is not going to work in your favor. good luck 2u

I'm truly agree with your statement :iagree:

Jonesey

· #13 · Nov 19, 2012

NotDoneYet said:
No kids, and I definitely do not want to divorce. I have been enduring this for 2.5 months now though, with no end in sight. She will not divorce me herself. It's a guilt thing,
You would be so wrong by assuming that.Guilt in this case has got nothing to do with it..She is simply cache eating.
She has the best of to world´s right now. She has Fantasy world.And a loving husband at home,in case it docent work out
with her lover boy. She is playing you,like a fiddle.

Read your post below,and you will get the picture i hope.

Why would she want a divorce? if it does not work out with OM
she know´s she always can come back home to you..
Why give such a sweet deal up?

I´m sorry man but i´m deliberately being harsh on you.
It just kill´s me when you allow your self to think so little of your self?

I know, but at the same time she became genuinely worried about never seeing me again.

After she came home today and subsequently returned to the OM, I texted her saying she should stop following her emotions because they just keep leading her back and forth between me and the OM, and I reminded her she only has a few days before she never see me again. Her reply? "That's your choice". Which leads me to believe she doesn't think I'll actually refrain from contacting her. So that's why I'm wondering if I should hold off on the D for a short while, enough time to let her know I'm serious about ceasing contact and to let her really experience life without me. Another concern is I've already given a hard date for the D, and postponing it could damage my credibility.

NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 19, 2012

Aug: I'd like to stay with her because 1) I love her, enough to rescue her from herself 2) I believe in marriage, and 3) I believe in second chances (but not third). Also, I know this is a drug she's on, and she's not herself. My analogy is that she's the drunk chick at the party and I'm the friend walking her home.

I actually find I've gained a lot of self respect from sticking around. I now know the strength of my convictions, and should we get divorced, I'll know I tried everything rather than running straight to the courthouse on D-Day.

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aug

· #15 · Nov 19, 2012

Then take some proactive actions.

STD testing. Avoid sex but wear protection if you must. Dont get her pregnant.

Isolate and protect your assets. No joint bank accounts, credit cards, debts/loans. Revise your will, insurance, etc just in case.

NotDoneYet

Discussion Starter · #16 · Nov 19, 2012

Luckily the only asset we have is the $600 in our bank account. Maybe I should fight for the full $600.

Jonesey

· #17 · Nov 19, 2012

NotDoneYet said:
Aug: I'd like to stay with her because 1) I love her, enough to rescue her from herself 2) I believe in marriage, and 3) I believe in second chances (but not third). You are way pass the third chance.

Sigh i give up

Also, I know this is a drug she's on, and she's not herself. My analogy is that she's the drunk chick at the party and I'm the friend walking her home.

I actually find I've gained a lot of self respect from sticking around. I now know the strength of my convictions, and should we get divorced, I'll know I tried everything rather than running straight to the courthouse on D-Day.

walkonmars

· #18 · Nov 19, 2012

Your belief in marriage is not going to save your marriage. It takes two people making an effort not one.

You may be gaing-self respect but you have already lost about 90% of your wife's respect by being her boyfriend's cuckold and acting the fool when she snaps her finger. As soon as you agree to be "friends" she'll have lost the last vestige of respect for you.

She's playing the game: "What Can I Make Him Do Next" . She's showing off for her boyfriend - to show him he's not the only one who wants her.

Every time he hits on another girl you wife gets mad and calls you. You go running thinking you are making progress. Her boyfriend texts her a 'sorry babe i wont do it again' text and she goes running back.

You make the anology of her being on drugs. Boy oh boy are you right. But you know what? So are you. Except she's on pot and you're on meth.

If you were my brothet i would sit you down and literally *****h slap you and tell you even harsher truths. If you were my son (and you are someone's son) I would do the same but with with tears in my eyes.

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oliviapeter31

· #19 · Nov 19, 2012

NotDoneYet said:
Aug: I'd like to stay with her because 1) I love her, enough to rescue her from herself 2) I believe in marriage, and 3) I believe in second chances (but not third). Also, I know this is a drug she's on, and she's not herself. My analogy is that she's the drunk chick at the party and I'm the friend walking her home.

I actually find I've gained a lot of self respect from sticking around. I now know the strength of my convictions, and should we get divorced, I'll know I tried everything rather than running straight to the courthouse on D-Day.

You are a gentleman... good luck for your marriage.

The Middleman

· #20 · Nov 19, 2012

Let her go. After living with the OM for several months the fog will wear off and she'll want you back. But Don't dare take her back, she poison and she soiled your marriage with this guy. Your too young to be going through this. Try to find someone who respects marriage.

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