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Hi

I'm a Muslim, married to one lovely woman, we love each other, we are living way too far from our families, we don't have any relatives in this country. God blessed us with 1 kids 1 hyperactive boy who needs a 24/7 attention, and he's 2 years old, and a new baby girl who's 2 months old and keeps crying and need her mom most of the time.

Since the boy arrived our sex life went to a very VERY bad situation, we can't make love while he's awake, and he sleeps really late by the time he sleeps we both are tired (mostly me because i have to wake up early morning and go to work, while my wife doesn't work so she can stay up extra hours) so this kid drove our sex life to a week-to-week meeting instead of bi-daily...

But when his sister came, he started to become even more hyperactive, feeling jealous most of the time from his sister, trying to sneak and hit her ...so now we have to EXTRA watch over him! which means EXTRA work for both of us...and when he sleeps the baby wakes up, you know she's 2 months only, she's gazzy, her tummy hurts..etc.

so our sex life is nearly on weekly basis!

As stated above, we 're both Muslims, porn is against our believes, my wife is the good one she's more religious than me, if i'm committing something simple (but considered a sin) she'll be the one who set me straight...in short she's the good one!

few days back it was our wedding anniversary, so at night she wanted to celebrate it, we put the boy into sleep but that little baby kept crying and crying we couldn't do anything...PLUS she had her period, so all we can do is masturbating for each others only...

she made mine come (and we taped it on her mobile camera) , then baby started crying hard and it was really tough to concentrate and make her come, so we decided to take a shower and sleep, and i did slept before her (ohh BTW, i'm that kind of person who doesn't wake up unless there's a bomb!!!)

the next day i went to work, called her during the day to say hi like any regular day, everything was fine i went home we had lunch together until she told me that she masterbated yesterday after i fell a sleep, so i told her (what did you watch to feel horney?)
(the video we took yesterday, it helped me alot) she replied
then i said to her (only that?) i said it in a regular way, not accusing her or something, it was like that simple question!

she then confessed that she watched some videos in the internet to turn her on...and she said that she hugged me






...this was a turn off in our lifes, watching porn is something that's not forgivable easily, it's now a matter of trust, now how can i be sure she'll not do it again...
to summarize here's my issue:

1- Religious reason: it's VERY wrong and unaccepted at all and to watch porn...and SHE'S the good one...my brain can't take it!

2- she did this in our ANNIVERSARY!!

3- My self respect...so i'm not enough for her anymore? why in the past 3 years when we didn't get the chance to make love i didn't hit that road?


4- This is just the beginning...yes it's not easy to quit watching these things!!!

5- the trust...i can't trust her anymore, she can watch these things any time now...any minute...


back to our life, i felt mad, i couldn't look at her face i kept looking anywhere else except her face i just can't face her anymore




She kept apologizing and apologizing i didn't want to listen to her i just wanted a time out i went to our bedroom i don't know how i fell asleep it was too early...
She woke me up very late after putting kids on sleep she kept apologizing and i didn't look at her face i went to the other room to sleep alone she kept begging to be forgiven but i didn't want to talk to her she promised and kept swearing that she'll never watch porn again and i can block whatever sites to make sure she doesn't watch it again...i told her its a matter of trust, trust comes without conditions or blocking things...etc

Today i woke up and dressed my self in the other room she prepared some sandwiches for me i took it but really didn't feel like eating...

During the day she sent me an sms suggesting to go sleep in her friends house because i don't want to see her face until im alright i replied to her that when i go home we will talk...i really don't know what to do and how to approach her im really afraid to trust her again i have great betrayal history during my life from friends and people and she knows that very well...

Please advice me guys i really don't know what to do with her....
 

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As an atheist I can't comment on the religious aspect of your problem.

As far as I am concerned porn is simply a masturbation aid. If you don't have a problem with her masturbating why would you have a problem with her viewing porn to help her do that? She will either be using images from the internet or images from her imagination, morally why is one worse than the other?
 
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Your wife did not betray you. You must find a way to forgive your wife. As a religious person, you should be able to forgive.

My husband was upset that I got a free video from an order online. He thought I ordered it and I did not. I watched maybe 2-3 minutes before turning it off, it was not my thing to watch. My husband was upset I put it in the DVD and watched some, I could hear it in his voice. He instantly forgot about it and moved on.

You need to move on. You have a wife and children to support. Your wife needs you as her husband. I highly doubt your wife will do this again since she knows now how upset you are. We as women get horny too and our needs must be met or we'll explode. She was meeting her needs alone that day which is quite normal. Your wife loves you very much. Your wife was not thinking of religion that day. No one can be perfect always. We all make mistakes that must be forgiven. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
What hurts me the most is that she did this in our anniversery...our special day...many nights i wanted her but we couldn't do it because of the kids, did i masterbate? No i didn't! will never do it as long as she's my wife...and she knows that ...yet she did it...

every time i close my eyes i just can't imagine how she was holding her mobile looking at porn and masturbating with her other hand while i'm lying like a pig beside her, she was feeling orgasm ...feeling high....while looking at other man, and i was lying beside her like a dead body...i really can't picture her doing this...i just can't and i really wish this working day not to end so that i won't have to see her (at least for now...) but after 3 hours i will go home and we have to talk...

Thank you guys ...your words really helped me...i just don't know how to trust her again, knowing too much is really bad for the person, and my problem is i know too much specially with computers and mobiles, even if she promised not to do it again i will still be able to track all her activity on the internet...so i can't imagine what would happen to me if i trust her again and found out later that she's still watching porn.....

trust is like a glass, once it's broken it'll never be the same again...
 

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Sounds like blaming the kids for your loss of sex life isn't the way to go either. It happens. You both need to set a time that may work best for you to have sex. I understand that no one likes scheduled sex, BUT right now with the demand of the kids and whats going on with them, sometimes you have to do what works best for you both, to be able to sneak some time in for yourselves. Try to find a compromise. Work with your son on the jealousy issue with his sister, if he is overly hyper, get him to a doctor. Your baby sounds like she may have colic, once again see a doctor for some suggestions.
 

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I'm trying to give you advice that you can use from your paradigm but it's a little difficult because I am not coming from the same religious mindset as you (in western culture this would not be that big of an issue).

But you are not perfect. There are things in your life, whether they are actions or thoughts that you have, that betray your marriage. If someone played your life on TV, including your thoughts, would you not be disgusted with some of the things that were shown? And if your wife were to discover one of those things, would she not also struggle with trusting you?

And yet you love your wife, and would not let anything keep you from loving her.

Your wife is not perfect, she makes mistakes just like you do. Marriage is not built on perfection, it is built on accepting the other person, and showing them love even in their imperfections. Trusting is easy when you are dealing with perfection. Trusting in the sun is easy, trusting in God is easy. Having trust in a person who has imperfections, that is difficult.

It is ok to feel upset or disappointed at something that goes against the fabric of your marriage. Try to approach it with your wife like you would want to be treated from her.

I have found in my experience that someone who is very upset when someone else makes a mistake, is usually struggling with that same thing, and it is a frustration born of guilt. Is this something that you perhaps are struggling with? Pornography or lust? And that it makes you especially frustrated to have seen your wife making a similar mistake?

If it is we are not here to judge you, this is an anonymous internet forum.
 

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Lighten up, OP. I would blow a load in my pants if my wife told me she diddled herself to porn. People get so hung up on religion that they let it affect every aspect of their lives. There comes a point where you ave to enjoy life a little. It's not like she told you she went to a sex club. She was getting off to a video you were in also. That's flattering.

So she went online, too, and found something hot to finish off in Round 2. Good for her. Now you should watch porn together.
 

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I cannot believe the insensitive dismissive comments in this thread.

OP for whatever reasons porn is not OK to you. You married your wife clear hat you had the same values, and she has done the wrong thing. However I think forgiving and moving forward is the way to go. If she is truly remorseful and it sounds like she is, then work on ways to communicate, spend time together and connect with each other and build trust back up.

Good luck.
 

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To the people that think this isn't a big deal, consider his paradigm. To some muslims this is a big deal.

Imagine if you went on a board and told people your wife had sex with a goat, and you got the response "Lighten up, it's not that big of a deal, it's good she got off. You should try it."

Kind of fruitless to try and change an entire cultural paradigm by dismissing it outright.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I'm trying to give you advice that you can use from your paradigm but it's a little difficult because I am not coming from the same religious mindset as you (in western culture this would not be that big of an issue).

But you are not perfect. There are things in your life, whether they are actions or thoughts that you have, that betray your marriage. If someone played your life on TV, including your thoughts, would you not be disgusted with some of the things that were shown? And if your wife were to discover one of those things, would she not also struggle with trusting you?

And yet you love your wife, and would not let anything keep you from loving her.

Your wife is not perfect, she makes mistakes just like you do. Marriage is not built on perfection, it is built on accepting the other person, and showing them love even in their imperfections. Trusting is easy when you are dealing with perfection. Trusting in the sun is easy, trusting in God is easy. Having trust in a person who has imperfections, that is difficult.

It is ok to feel upset or disappointed at something that goes against the fabric of your marriage. Try to approach it with your wife like you would want to be treated from her.

I have found in my experience that someone who is very upset when someone else makes a mistake, is usually struggling with that same thing, and it is a frustration born of guilt. Is this something that you perhaps are struggling with? Pornography or lust? And that it makes you especially frustrated to have seen your wife making a similar mistake?

If it is we are not here to judge you, this is an anonymous internet forum.
thank you your reply it went thru among all other advices at some point i felt like you're inside my thoughts ...

i used to watch porn before we got married i (as every other guy) used to masterbate too but when i got married i completly stopped it and she knows that....in fact yesterday she told me exactly (you watched porn before ...) and i replied fast (this was before i met you) she got silent...coz she knows how i care about her..i won't say we're even now but i'll find it in my heart to let it go for now.

the whole day i was not online in any social application (like whats up or facebook) - which is not me at all...so now i went online and there wad these msgs from her asking for forgiveness and giving me the chice whether to go to her friend sleep until im ready to talk...she told me that she's surprised how im treating her i was never mad at her like this before....

so now i'll go home talk to her and express how disapointed i am and make her feel more and more guilt so that she promise me never to do it again, i guess making it a big deal will make her think twice before even thinking about watching porn.

thanks everyone for all your inputs it was very helpful.
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so now i'll go home talk to her and express how disapointed i am and make her feel more and more guilt so that she promise me never to do it again,
I would say making her feel guilt could likely backfire. How about instead of making her feel guilty, you just love her, accept her and understand that she made a mistake. I mean after all wouldn't you want someone to be understanding of your mistake(s).
 

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thank you your reply it went thru among all other advices at some point i felt like you're inside my thoughts ...

i used to watch porn before we got married i (as every other guy) used to masterbate too but when i got married i completly stopped it and she knows that....in fact yesterday she told me exactly (you watched porn before ...) and i replied fast (this was before i met you) she got silent...coz she knows how i care about her..i won't say we're even now but i'll find it in my heart to let it go for now.

the whole day i was not online in any social application (like whats up or facebook) - which is not me at all...so now i went online and there wad these msgs from her asking for forgiveness and giving me the chice whether to go to her friend sleep until im ready to talk...she told me that she's surprised how im treating her i was never mad at her like this before....

so now i'll go home talk to her and express how disapointed i am and make her feel more and more guilt so that she promise me never to do it again, i guess making it a big deal will make her think twice before even thinking about watching porn.

thanks everyone for all your inputs it was very helpful.
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I would suggest you take a different approach. Guilt only makes these things worse, it will make it a forbidden act and make her feel worse about herself. Why not try to be positive instead? Let her know how much you love her and that it hurt you because you care about her so much. Let her know that you love all of her, mistakes included, and not because she is perfect.

That would make her feel better about herself and much less likely to want to hurt you again.
 

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I'm not Islamic but I found these on a quick google search.

“…. But if you pardon and exonerate and forgive, Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Qur’an, 64: 14]

It has also been revealed in the Qur’an that forgiveness is a superior moral trait: “But if someone is steadfast and forgives, that is the most resolute course to follow.” [Qur’an, 42:43]

For that reason, believers are forgiving, compassionate and tolerant people who, as revealed in the Qur’an, “control their rage and pardon other people.” [Qur’an, 3:134]

“… They should rather pardon and overlook. Would you not love Allah to forgive you? Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Qur’an, 24:22]

Give your wife mercy just as god does, without guilt or shame.
 

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If you're concerned about trust, consider that your wife was HONEST with you and told you about it herself. If she were untrustworthy, she would have kept it to herself and you never would have known she had looked at some porn online. Or she would have lied, lied, lied when you asked more questions. Instead, she told you the truth, voluntarily.

Second, if your anniversary is so important, get a baby-sitter for your anniversaries. It's not so fun for her to try to celebrate when she's got a crying baby in the middle of it. I'm just saying that this happening in your anniversary really means nothing except that she didn't have an orgasm before you fell asleep and needed to take care of it. If anniversary is a special day, then do something special. If you do nothing special, then I don't see why it's such a big deal that it happened that day.

Finally, I really can't comment on the religious aspects except to say that surely your God is capable of forgiveness of imperfect humans making mistakes.

You can keep punishing her for being honest and telling you by freezing her out, or you can use this as an opportunity to build even more trust and intimacy between you. It all depends on whether you choose to let this get in the way of your relationship or not. You DO have control over how you handle this. Don't let this destroy your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
got it...
you're right...she went throu a lot of guilt last night and im pretty sure her eyes are all red because of crying the whole night which im sure she didnt rest at all...

i'll talk to her honestly no more guilt to be felt (well just a little...ciz i just cant simply pretend like this didn't happen but i promise i'll take it easy on her..

its true that god is merciful and can forgive bigger sins so why i (the human being) can't find it in my heart she was (and still) the best mother! the beat partner anyone can dream of having this mistake (no matter how big it seems to me) can not erase all the good things in her...

thanks everyone you really opened up my eyes and ser my mind and my thoughts in the right track.
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its true that god is merciful and can forgive bigger sins so why i (the human being) can't find it in my heart she was (and still) the best mother! the beat partner anyone can dream of having this mistake (no matter how big it seems to me) can not erase all the good things in her...
Say that to your wife and you will see her eyes become red again. Not from sadness but from joy.

The lowest person can create guilt. When we show love and mercy in spite of mistakes, that is when we are closest to god.
 

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i used to watch porn before we got married i (as every other guy) used to masterbate too but when i got married i completly stopped it and she knows that....in fact yesterday she told me exactly (you watched porn before ...) and i replied fast (this was before i met you) she got silent...coz she knows how i care about her..i won't say we're even now but i'll find it in my heart to let it go for now.
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Please help me understand: You use religion as a reason for condemning your wife for watching porn. Now you admit, you too have watched porn before. Does your religion have a provision that makes it acceptable, if you are not married? If not, then you are just as bad as she is.
 
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