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10 Posts
I've been married to my wife for 13 years. We married very young; we used to be a very tight couple and spent a lot of time together and as young adults/teenagers that we were our hormones usually got the best of us until one day we got pregnant. She dropped out of high school as I started working part time jobs to support us while I attended college. Those were very difficult times and there were moments when we both wondered why we were together, but we weathered the storm and made into much better and happier times.
I graduated college several years ago with a BS and an MS in engineering and currently have a stable and well-paying job. She, on the other hand, has refused to continue her education. For many years since she dropped out of school I have tried to convince her to get her GED and go to college. I understand her reason for dropping out and I recognize that I carry half the blame; she has taken care of our children well and has performed as a housewife ever since we married and I thank her for that, but she uses that as an excuse to accept and defend the status quo. Our circumstances in life are such that she doesn't speak English and has refused to learn it too. She didn't learn to drive when she was a teenager and she has not made any attempt to learn either. She has never had a job, and yes you guessed it, she doesn't want one either. All the decisions made at home are made by me. I always ask for her opinion and feelings about things, but most times she only agrees with me. The rare occasions when she speaks her mind against my suggestions I would ask for her reasoning behind her thoughts (that's my nature as an engineer) but she ALWAYS reverts back to my initial suggestion saying that she might have been wrong.
These circumstances have made us a different couple. It's been very difficult and frustrating for me to not have a partner to brainstorm life's difficulties or to rely on for the day-to-day duties such as managing finances, grocery shopping, dealing with the kids' school, making phone calls, taking the kids to the doctor, etc. Our friends too have to be selected from the few who speak her language (and mine as I can speak both). I nonetheless have accepted this as my challenge in life and made it work thus far. On the bright side, she had always been there for me as my emotional support. She was that rock that I leaned on. She loved me and I loved her. I have always been willing to trade all the negatives because she was the one who loved me. I adjusted my life to take her into account as best as I thought was right such as not going out if she's not part of the group, getting her the things she needs, taking her to places, etc. I almost never go out by myself or with friends.
Recently, however she has drifted away from me and kept me at arms length. She hides behind her laptop doing things online from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed very late at night (3-4am). When I've confronted her about the time she spends on the computer she claims that this is her only way of communication and that I should be mindful of that. I do not know what she does online, but she assures me that she chats with friends on Facebook and such, but when I approach her she quickly closes whatever windows she has open on the screen. Sometime she goes even beyond and locks herself in a room. This bothers me a lot, but when I've asked her to stop doing it she gets mad at me and tells me that I'm a controlling person and that I should respect her privacy. As part of this "privacy" she has password-protected her accounts even as we shared accounts without trouble for most of our marriage.
To make things worse, the hardships in life compounded and made me fell into a deep depression, the worse in my life. When I looked up to her for help, she abandoned me (emotionally) stating that this was my problem and that I needed to find the way out by myself. This was hard. Very hard. Even as I sobbed like a baby and implored her to help me she stood her ground in front of me with a straight face.
I've felt abandoned and betrayed. I have approached her to talk things over, but her facial expressions show frustration the moment I approach; her smile fades as she turns her gaze from the screen to me. She has given me the cold shoulder many times with statements like "that's none of your business", "it's not my problem", "I don't have to give you that information" etc. I don't know how to talk to her anymore and thus we're now strangers.
In the little we've talked she has expressed her desire to leave me. As I come out of my depression I find this idea very attractive. I can't seem to cope with the idea of sharing the good times to come with the one person who abandoned me when the times got tough. She served a very important role in my life, but she quit. The problem is, she needs me. She can't leave because she doesn't have anywhere to go; she can't drive; she can't speak or understand sufficient English; and without an income she can't provide for herself. I have offered her some financial support, but I can't fully support her: we have an underwater mortgage, debt to the eyebrows, and a child who has a life-threatening medical condition. I will not leave either. My children depend on me for just about everything and I will not abandon them.
As I put many of the pieces together I suspect she is having an e-affair, but I really don't know. She denies it (of course). This whole ordeal is testing my patience. I feel she is now using me only as a source of comfort and safety: we don't talk beyond the basics, I've fully taken over many of the housewife duties, and sex is way out of the question (we sleep in different rooms too). As the only source of income in our home I provide all the needs and luxuries that she enjoys while she explores her private adventures online.
She has her story too, she says that I am a very controlling man and that she feels alone. I really don't know how to measure the "controlling" part, but if making decisions alone with a submissive wife who won't speak her feelings is being controlling, then yes I am that 10 times over. If she feels alone, well maybe that's my fault. My role as a husband is to be there for my wife and perhaps I haven't done that job as well as I'd like to say. So I'm not perfect. I studied to be an engineer and not a husband, I'm learning the latter as I go, but without feedback it's very darn hard to know what works and what doesn't.
She wants to leave, but she won't because she can't. I'm just about ready to force her out if she keeps using me as the idiot husband who finances her e-affair. I don't know what laws I'd break if I kick her out, which I don't even know how I would do (I'm not the violent type). I'm ready to file for divorce and I intend to keep my children; I will fight tooth and nail for them to the bitter end.
Any comments or suggestions are well appreciated. Thank you.
I graduated college several years ago with a BS and an MS in engineering and currently have a stable and well-paying job. She, on the other hand, has refused to continue her education. For many years since she dropped out of school I have tried to convince her to get her GED and go to college. I understand her reason for dropping out and I recognize that I carry half the blame; she has taken care of our children well and has performed as a housewife ever since we married and I thank her for that, but she uses that as an excuse to accept and defend the status quo. Our circumstances in life are such that she doesn't speak English and has refused to learn it too. She didn't learn to drive when she was a teenager and she has not made any attempt to learn either. She has never had a job, and yes you guessed it, she doesn't want one either. All the decisions made at home are made by me. I always ask for her opinion and feelings about things, but most times she only agrees with me. The rare occasions when she speaks her mind against my suggestions I would ask for her reasoning behind her thoughts (that's my nature as an engineer) but she ALWAYS reverts back to my initial suggestion saying that she might have been wrong.
These circumstances have made us a different couple. It's been very difficult and frustrating for me to not have a partner to brainstorm life's difficulties or to rely on for the day-to-day duties such as managing finances, grocery shopping, dealing with the kids' school, making phone calls, taking the kids to the doctor, etc. Our friends too have to be selected from the few who speak her language (and mine as I can speak both). I nonetheless have accepted this as my challenge in life and made it work thus far. On the bright side, she had always been there for me as my emotional support. She was that rock that I leaned on. She loved me and I loved her. I have always been willing to trade all the negatives because she was the one who loved me. I adjusted my life to take her into account as best as I thought was right such as not going out if she's not part of the group, getting her the things she needs, taking her to places, etc. I almost never go out by myself or with friends.
Recently, however she has drifted away from me and kept me at arms length. She hides behind her laptop doing things online from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed very late at night (3-4am). When I've confronted her about the time she spends on the computer she claims that this is her only way of communication and that I should be mindful of that. I do not know what she does online, but she assures me that she chats with friends on Facebook and such, but when I approach her she quickly closes whatever windows she has open on the screen. Sometime she goes even beyond and locks herself in a room. This bothers me a lot, but when I've asked her to stop doing it she gets mad at me and tells me that I'm a controlling person and that I should respect her privacy. As part of this "privacy" she has password-protected her accounts even as we shared accounts without trouble for most of our marriage.
To make things worse, the hardships in life compounded and made me fell into a deep depression, the worse in my life. When I looked up to her for help, she abandoned me (emotionally) stating that this was my problem and that I needed to find the way out by myself. This was hard. Very hard. Even as I sobbed like a baby and implored her to help me she stood her ground in front of me with a straight face.
I've felt abandoned and betrayed. I have approached her to talk things over, but her facial expressions show frustration the moment I approach; her smile fades as she turns her gaze from the screen to me. She has given me the cold shoulder many times with statements like "that's none of your business", "it's not my problem", "I don't have to give you that information" etc. I don't know how to talk to her anymore and thus we're now strangers.
In the little we've talked she has expressed her desire to leave me. As I come out of my depression I find this idea very attractive. I can't seem to cope with the idea of sharing the good times to come with the one person who abandoned me when the times got tough. She served a very important role in my life, but she quit. The problem is, she needs me. She can't leave because she doesn't have anywhere to go; she can't drive; she can't speak or understand sufficient English; and without an income she can't provide for herself. I have offered her some financial support, but I can't fully support her: we have an underwater mortgage, debt to the eyebrows, and a child who has a life-threatening medical condition. I will not leave either. My children depend on me for just about everything and I will not abandon them.
As I put many of the pieces together I suspect she is having an e-affair, but I really don't know. She denies it (of course). This whole ordeal is testing my patience. I feel she is now using me only as a source of comfort and safety: we don't talk beyond the basics, I've fully taken over many of the housewife duties, and sex is way out of the question (we sleep in different rooms too). As the only source of income in our home I provide all the needs and luxuries that she enjoys while she explores her private adventures online.
She has her story too, she says that I am a very controlling man and that she feels alone. I really don't know how to measure the "controlling" part, but if making decisions alone with a submissive wife who won't speak her feelings is being controlling, then yes I am that 10 times over. If she feels alone, well maybe that's my fault. My role as a husband is to be there for my wife and perhaps I haven't done that job as well as I'd like to say. So I'm not perfect. I studied to be an engineer and not a husband, I'm learning the latter as I go, but without feedback it's very darn hard to know what works and what doesn't.
She wants to leave, but she won't because she can't. I'm just about ready to force her out if she keeps using me as the idiot husband who finances her e-affair. I don't know what laws I'd break if I kick her out, which I don't even know how I would do (I'm not the violent type). I'm ready to file for divorce and I intend to keep my children; I will fight tooth and nail for them to the bitter end.
Any comments or suggestions are well appreciated. Thank you.
