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So I'm a good guy. Always have been. Definitely beta material in our relationship. When someone asks if I'm available to do something on a given day I usually joke "I let DW run my life, it's safer that way" and then check my schedule with her.

Been married 27 years. Had a recent dry spell (about 5 years of sex just on holidays, followed by a couple of years of not even that, I gave up initiating about a year ago to see if she ever would. She wouldn't.)

I had an incident with a prescribed drug that made me suicidal but very communicative of my needs and long story short we have tried to reignite our love life in the past two months. At first she said "We need to improve but I don't think we need sex three times a week" but after a couple of weeks of warming up now she's insatiable. We recently had sex (a couple one-sided) 8 times in one week. Yes, twice on two days that week - morning and night.

In doing research since on our dry spell I keep running into all of this advice that says many women want occasional rough sex. Honestly I think this has been an unspoken need in our relationship. I've tried directing her and she really seems to get into it but I don't do it very well and about 5 minutes into it I lose the desire to direct or use her for my own pleasure.

Even when I've used restraints on her recently I realize it's still about me pleasing her and not about rough or selfish sex. Personally I'd like being married to a dominatrix I think. I'm a very successful business executive and I intimidate my employees without even realizing it. When I'm home though it's a complete 180 - I like to be dominated and I like to please. I bought a cheap restraint system a few weeks ago and I can tell you the two times she used it on me was out of this world, but the other way around was less than stellar. I tried using them on her last night and believe it or not even with a Hitachi couldn't bring her to orgasm. I finally gave up, untied her and went to bed. I could tell I was going the wrong direction with it, even though she protested that she "enjoyed it."

So, how do I help to fulfill this need of hers? I have no idea where to begin. All the advice I've seen online, the books I've read or skimmed recently basically don't give any real details and since this is so outside my personality any details I've seen suggested just feel wrong. It doesn't help that she's on antidepressants and half the time I can't get her to orgasm and that makes me over try I think.
 

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So I'm a good guy. Always have been. Definitely beta material in our relationship. When someone asks if I'm available to do something on a given day I usually joke "I let DW run my life, it's safer that way" and then check my schedule with her.

Been married 27 years. Had a recent dry spell (about 5 years of sex just on holidays, followed by a couple of years of not even that, I gave up initiating about a year ago to see if she ever would. She wouldn't.)

I had an incident with a prescribed drug that made me suicidal but very communicative of my needs and long story short we have tried to reignite our love life in the past two months. At first she said "We need to improve but I don't think we need sex three times a week" but after a couple of weeks of warming up now she's insatiable. We recently had sex (a couple one-sided) 8 times in one week. Yes, twice on two days that week - morning and night.

In doing research since on our dry spell I keep running into all of this advice that says many women want occasional rough sex. Honestly I think this has been an unspoken need in our relationship. I've tried directing her and she really seems to get into it but I don't do it very well and about 5 minutes into it I lose the desire to direct or use her for my own pleasure.

Even when I've used restraints on her recently I realize it's still about me pleasing her and not about rough or selfish sex. Personally I'd like being married to a dominatrix I think. I'm a very successful business executive and I intimidate my employees without even realizing it. When I'm home though it's a complete 180 - I like to be dominated and I like to please. I bought a cheap restraint system a few weeks ago and I can tell you the two times she used it on me was out of this world, but the other way around was less than stellar. I tried using them on her last night and believe it or not even with a Hitachi couldn't bring her to orgasm. I finally gave up, untied her and went to bed. I could tell I was going the wrong direction with it, even though she protested that she "enjoyed it."

So, how do I help to fulfill this need of hers? I have no idea where to begin. All the advice I've seen online, the books I've read or skimmed recently basically don't give any real details and since this is so outside my personality any details I've seen suggested just feel wrong.
I think you two are a power mismatch. You are both submissive, each needing a dominant.

Can you just accept the mismatch and enjoy the rest of the relationship?
 
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@OldManMage I enjoy very rough sex and have never dated a man who didn't happen to be naturally dominant in bed. I have played around with a guy who had explored his submissive side and allowed me to dominate him. He was so submissive, I couldn't imagine him trying to dominate someone in bed.

I'm not sure how to explain how you can be more rough in bed if you have a hard time emphasizing with her need for dominance. Hmm perhaps you should skip the toys. The toys can make it a little more awkward as it is not a natural part of sex. I enjoy leashes and I had tried to introduce it very early on but my current partner had a hard time getting comfortable using it in the beginning. We put it away and focused on me communicating as much as possible about the way I wanted to be sexed.

When you become more comfortable being dominant, then you can slowly introduce toys. You're going to have to figure out how to get her to tell you what she wants. I find that I'm more open to talking about what I want right after sex. He'll ask specifics about my different responses, how something felt, if I wanted more/less of something, if I wanted something done differently etc etc.

I guess baseline things to try out are light spanking, hair grabbing, lightly holding her around the neck (especially from behind or on top) and highlighting your strength by pinning her down when possible while being very attentive to her responses. All rough sex is not created equal hence communication is your best friend on this one.

I think your wife's tolerance level is likely not that high otherwise her need would have been greater and she would've communicated her dissatisfaction more strongly. So I don't think you're going to have to do anything extreme in bed with her. Just more assertiveness and control from your end.
 

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You need to talk to her to find out what she wants, and you can tell her what you want.

Not everyone is in to dominance, and those that are may be into very different things. Does she want to be dominated at all? Does that mean she wants you to call her nasty names? Spank her? Have rough sex? Order her to sexually service you? Some people like all or some of these things, and dislike others.

Same for you. Does she know what part of being restrained you like?

It can be difficult but this needs to be a conversation.
 

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Rough sex, if your woman is open to it, is only going to be welcome if she ALREADY trusts and respects you. It sounds like the foundation is too weak to try, unless you're open to the risk of getting a response you don't want.

Have you asked her what she enjoys? Can you both openly communicate comfortably about your sexual needs? If not, a sex therapist might be a good idea.
 

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U may find some insight in what people responded to my post on this topic. It's from the other perspective, but people have really helped me communicate my needs to DH, and suggested books that helped a lot too. They r right, communication is key. I'm still learning that!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Not ALL women want to be dominated. Some do. And some want it some of the time but not all the time. Every woman is different.

Talk to her.
1000x this.

My GF is the very definition of a strong, independent woman. She'll own you in the boardroom.

But she wants to be owned in the bedroom. (As a general rule.) Yes, she loves rough sex. It's one of her biggest stress relievers.

Sometimes she wants sweet or tender sex to feel connected; or, she may want to get on top of me and dominate me for a bit. So there are additional flavors. But predominately, she is submissive. I've just learned to read non-verbal cues from her to know what she wants.

But mostly, we've talked about it. A lot. We know each other's likes, preferences, and tendencies.

(And I tend to think that any woman who says she doesn't like rough sex every now and then lies.)
 

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(And I tend to think that any woman who says she doesn't like rough sex every now and then lies.)
Used to think this too till I came across some female posters on TAM declaring zero interest in that style of sex and being unable to comprehend why other women would want that.
 

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Used to think this too till I came across some female posters on TAM declaring zero interest in that style of sex and being unable to comprehend why other women would want that.
Indeed.
My wife is 100% into gentle. She is physically (as well as emotionally) very sensitive. A slightly misplaced digit or just a little too much pressure just about anywhere, and things dissipate in a hurry. She does occasionally want to skip all the lovey dovey stuff and just go hard and fast, but I still wouldn't call that "rough sex."
 

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I guess I'm having trouble with the term rough sex and the description the OP is giving. She might like the restraints for entirely different reasons.

I know when my DH tried restraints on me I liked from the mental aspect. Men complain about starfish but it is nice to be restrained and be able to focus on the sensations and feelings then what should I be doing with my hand? I found a blindfold helps too. I don't consider that rough sex.

OP says he like to be submissive and please her but when I'm tied up that is what it is about. Him pleasing me and it's his issue to find his pleasure and mine. In a way seems like the not tied up is the submissive. Of course I understand there are other ways to play that.

You really need some communication. We find that we change it up more now that we have increased our frequency. Maybe she just wants some variety. Try girl on top, cowgirl, anal (but read up on this first) restrain each other. Get a safe word that way if something is over stimulating or painful you know it.

And I agree with the poster that said I'm more open to talking right after sex.
 

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So I'm a good guy. Always have been. Definitely beta material in our relationship. When someone asks if I'm available to do something on a given day I usually joke "I let DW run my life, it's safer that way" and then check my schedule with her.
1. Isn't a good guy also someone who tends toward selfless acts? Wouldn't a person who is interested in ensuring another's happiness be okay with stepping out of his comfort zone in order to make their spouse happy?

2. Stop being dependent on your wife to run your life. A woman who digs domination dislikes passivity.


Been married 27 years. Had a recent dry spell (about 5 years of sex just on holidays, followed by a couple of years of not even that, I gave up initiating about a year ago to see if she ever would. She wouldn't.)
When men stop initiating to get their wives to initiate more...it never ever ends well.


I had an incident with a prescribed drug that made me suicidal but very communicative of my needs and long story short we have tried to reignite our love life in the past two months. At first she said "We need to improve but I don't think we need sex three times a week" but after a couple of weeks of warming up now she's insatiable. We recently had sex (a couple one-sided) 8 times in one week. Yes, twice on two days that week - morning and night.
Glad you're healthy now and cowabunga on an insatiable wife! Enjoy it because once full menopause kicks in she may not have such a killer sex drive. But the patterns developing now, as a result of her killer sex drive, will carry into menopause so it's not a death sentence.


In doing research since on our dry spell I keep running into all of this advice that says many women want occasional rough sex. Honestly I think this has been an unspoken need in our relationship. I've tried directing her and she really seems to get into it but I don't do it very well and about 5 minutes into it I lose the desire to direct or use her for my own pleasure.
Tender sensual sex is great, but after 25 years it's time to spice it up and let the raging passion come to the fore!

It's not really about roughness, it's about uncontrollable passion. It's about wanting her so bad you rip her clothes to get her naked. It's about pushing her up against wall for a neck nibble and an ass grabe because you saw her bend over to load the dishwasher. Uncontrolled lust! That tends to appear rough but in reality it doesn't have to be rough.


Even when I've used restraints
YES PLEASE!
on her recently I realize it's still about me pleasing her and not about rough or selfish sex. Personally I'd like being married to a dominatrix I think. I'm a very successful business executive and I intimidate my employees without even realizing it. When I'm home though it's a complete 180 - I like to be dominated and I like to please. I bought a cheap restraint system a few weeks ago and I can tell you the two times she used it on me was out of this world, but the other way around was less than stellar. I tried using them on her last night and believe it or not even with a Hitachi couldn't bring her to orgasm. I finally gave up, untied her and went to bed. I could tell I was going the wrong direction with it, even though she protested that she "enjoyed it."
Oh boy.

As she goes through perimenopause and full menopause it is likely that her hormones will sometimes NOT cooperate and allow her to orgasm. This is neither her fault, so don't make her feel like a failure for not flooding the bed in orgasms, nor your fault, so don't feel like a failure.

You went into this scene attached to the outcome, that you'd make her orgasm. But darling, this is about the process and not the outcome. I know it's hard for some men to wrap their brains around process oriented sex rather than goal oriented sex. The process is YOU enjoying the hell out of her body and her enjoying you enjoying the hell out of her body...please refer back to passion vs tender. If you had been enjoying the hell out of her body you would have continued to play with her body until you couldn't take it any more and mounted her like a prize bull.

So, how do I help to fulfill this need of hers? I have no idea where to begin. All the advice I've seen online, the books I've read or skimmed recently basically don't give any real details and since this is so outside my personality any details I've seen suggested just feel wrong. It doesn't help that she's on antidepressants and half the time I can't get her to orgasm and that makes me over try I think.

She's on antidepressants half the time? They should be taken daily, not sometimes. They are wholly ineffective if not taken daily. Either she stops taking them or she starts taking them daily.

How do you do this?
1. Understand this is more about passion and fun than outcome and performance.
2. Go to www.husdom.com to learn how a husband dominates a wife.
 

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(And I tend to think that any woman who says she doesn't like rough sex every now and then lies.)
Used to think this too till I came across some female posters on TAM declaring zero interest in that style of sex and being unable to comprehend why other women would want that.
Really? That seems counter-intuitive, but I'm not disagreeing with you. Just surprised at this new information.

I wonder if that disparity is generational.
 

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I would suggest experimenting but at a different 'venue' (a different bedroom or even a hotel) so that you can more easily compartmentalize if needed. You'll need to have few different scenarios in mind and visualize them playing out before hand so that you yourself can be comfortable and ultimately project that confidence as you proceed with her.

Think of it as playing 'jazz'.

You know her better than anyone else. Challenge some of her boundaries but keep it playful (know her cues). See where it takes you. You are limited only by your imagination...

Then, when you are back at home and she brings up your adventures, playfully act like you have no idea what she is talking about (what, you must have dreamt that, my love). That way you maintain control of the discourse and not just the intimacy. One fun approach (as long as it stays playful) is to open an alter ego email account and communicate that way when not 'in character'...

good luck
 

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Isn't a good guy also someone who tends toward selfless acts? Wouldn't a person who is interested in ensuring another's happiness be okay with stepping out of his comfort zone in order to make their spouse happy?
Read and heed the above. Truer words were never spoken.

When men stop initiating to get their wives to initiate more...it never ever ends well.
Yep. Yes. Yeah. QFT. Bingo. As many men on this board could tell you from experience. This be true to the core.

It's not really about roughness, it's about uncontrollable passion. It's about wanting her so bad you rip her clothes to get her naked. It's about pushing her up against wall for a neck nibble and an ass grabe because you saw her bend over to load the dishwasher. Uncontrolled lust! That tends to appear rough but in reality it doesn't have to be rough.
Again, BINGO!


You went into this scene attached to the outcome, that you'd make her orgasm. But darling, this is about the process and not the outcome. I know it's hard for some men to wrap their brains around process oriented sex rather than goal oriented sex. The process is YOU enjoying the hell out of her body and her enjoying you enjoying the hell out of her body...
Batting 1.000 here. Gotta' love the process. When I focus on the doing rather than the going, it always works better. When I relish in what I'm doing to her, that is to say when I simply and completely engrossed in the act without concern for the outcome, that is paradoxically when the outcome is best. For both of us.

AnonPink--congratulations on a stellar post from start to finish.
OP--again, read and heed, there is much wisdom here.
The rest of us--always good to have a reminder once in a while!
 

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Really? That seems counter-intuitive, but I'm not disagreeing with you. Just surprised at this new information.

I wonder if that disparity is generational.
Age has nothing to do with it.

Some women dig it, others do not. There is no reason why. It just is.
 
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Really? That seems counter-intuitive, but I'm not disagreeing with you. Just surprised at this new information.

I wonder if that disparity is generational.
Counter-intuitive to what and in what way? Generational? How could that possibly be?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Glad you're healthy now and cowabunga on an insatiable wife! Enjoy it because once full menopause kicks in she may not have such a killer sex drive. But the patterns developing now, as a result of her killer sex drive, will carry into menopause so it's not a death sentence.
Well I wouldn't say healthy - but better. Still having bad days. I might mention she's also had a total hysterectomy, ovaries included, so menopause kicked in many years ago.

You went into this scene attached to the outcome, that you'd make her orgasm. But darling, this is about the process and not the outcome. I know it's hard for some men to wrap their brains around process oriented sex rather than goal oriented sex. The process is YOU enjoying the hell out of her body and her enjoying you enjoying the hell out of her body...please refer back to passion vs tender. If you had been enjoying the hell out of her body you would have continued to play with her body until you couldn't take it any more and mounted her like a prize bull.
Yes, I definitely DID go into this scene with the intent to make her orgasm. With my own anxiety issues I've been dealing with since my incident a few weeks ago, I never even got an erection, and once I realized it wasn't working for her I realized I wasn't going to be able to so that's when I stopped. If I'd been capable, I would have mounted her like a prize bull, as you say. It just wasn't going to happen.



She's on antidepressants half the time? They should be taken daily, not sometimes. They are wholly ineffective if not taken daily. Either she stops taking them or she starts taking them daily.
You misread - I said she's on antidepressents SO half the time I can't bring her to orgasm.

1. Understand this is more about passion and fun than outcome and performance.
2. Go to www.husdom.com to learn how a husband dominates a wife.
Yeah, well outcome and performance are still important though. I can't imagine not having an orgasm 3 out of 5 times I had sex. It would make me not want it anymore. The back of my mind makes me wonder if that's why she lost interest in sex.

And on husdom.com - been there but all the posts are behind a pay wall.

Thanks for the feedback.
 

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Well I wouldn't say healthy - but better. Still having bad days. I might mention she's also had a total hysterectomy, ovaries included, so menopause kicked in many years ago.


Yes, I definitely DID go into this scene with the intent to make her orgasm. With my own anxiety issues I've been dealing with since my incident a few weeks ago, I never even got an erection, and once I realized it wasn't working for her I realized I wasn't going to be able to so that's when I stopped. If I'd been capable, I would have mounted her like a prize bull, as you say. It just wasn't going to happen.




You misread - I said she's on antidepressents SO half the time I can't bring her to orgasm.


Yeah, well outcome and performance are still important though. I can't imagine not having an orgasm 3 out of 5 times I had sex. It would make me not want it anymore. The back of my mind makes me wonder if that's why she lost interest in sex.

And on husdom.com - been there but all the posts are behind a pay wall.

Thanks for the feedback.

Bolded: Latest stats say women orgasm 66% of the time while men orgasm 90 (something in the 90's) This means that while men experience sex from their very first encounter as ending with ejaculation, women do not. In fact, from an informal survey amount about 10-15 women I know, only one had an orgasm the first time she had sex. Everyone else in the 20 and two of us well into our 30's. That's years and years of having sex without experiencing an orgasm. That teaches us that, among other things, sex feels good because of the closeness and intimacy. Perhaps this is why some women like sex a bit less than men?

But your wife is experiencing a rebound in her sex drive, even though she isn't experiencing more orgasms. What, in light of what I just wrote, does that tell you? It tells me she wants YOU. She wants YOU to be happy and she wants closeness and intimacy with YOU.

I didn't know husdom switched to a fee for entrance? I thought you just had to be a registered member. Well thanks for letting me know.

LOL, I clearly did misread. Sorry about that chief. Is she open to switching antidepressants with less sexual side effects?
 
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Really? That seems counter-intuitive, but I'm not disagreeing with you. Just surprised at this new information.

I wonder if that disparity is generational.
Counter-intuitive to what and in what way? Generational? How could that possibly be?
Counter-intuitive to my personal experience.

One of my job functions is data analytics. It's in my nature to search for patterns in to things. No need to read into it any more than that.
 
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