[Lost guy]

First Thks for the replies that come back...
Now on to it...need a little help here ladies...been married for 16yrs to a beautiful woman, 3 kids nice home but she said something is missing..passion.....Her background is in the beauty industry(Hair artist)...travels a bit to educate other salons on products and such, doesn't bring in a lot of money but she really like it for the attention she can get where other say how good look'n she is(42 yrs young I'm the same age)...She started look'n pretty close at her body after the last child(8 yrs ago) and convinced herself that she needed new breasts to feel good bout herself...I reassured that I thought she was fabulous...said she needed for herself, wasn't for me...seemed ok for a few yrs the she got the idea of gettn on stage to try out in a bikini compition for her 40th year..she worked out and dieted and was able to get up there and show herself off..I didn't think she needed to diet at all and others thought the same..I told her I was concerned of the dieting and didn't think it was healthy...again ..it was for her and not anyone else...side note on gettn in front of people to teach and then even farther to pose in a bikini was that she was always shy and reserved and low self esteem so thoght this was great that she found some confidence....after the show and dieting she looks at her self again and sees the loose skin from having babies and HATES it...gets the idea of a tummy tuck and there is no talkn her out of it....she uses her credit card to pay for the surgury but few weeks after it done she sees that the result was not what she was expecting...DEVESTATED....now we are at the point where she comes to me and say that she has been unhappy for a number of years and wants a seperation cause I don't make her feel special...I work long hours and at busy times I can admit I have'nt been there for her but always tried to make it up to her and kids...she says the passion is gone and can't understand why she doesn't love me....I knew she wasn't happy with something but NEVER thought it was this deep

She has no $$ to get into another house but said she needs time work on herself...my solution was to move down the road to my brothers house and have her a home to sort things out while I'm not here...this seems the best solution to make things less rocky for the kids....she sure don't seem to want to work on things and is trying to tell me I deserve better and should have someone who loves me as much as I love her....I want her and my family back, but an losing hope for things to work out....Concillor says she is not depresssed and that can't see how she manged to stay in the same house for this long...She took a weekend trip to Vegas with girlfriends where she was staying up for nearly 24hrs abd drinking till couldn't remember getting to hotel room with the girls...she doen't drink at home...I was very comcered and am very puzzled, heart broken...
could use some advise on the situation...as my name says...LOst guy Anyone???

 

[donny64]

Time to start investigating the possibility of an affair. "Need some time to find myself", "I've been unhappy" (another version of "I love you but I'm not in love with you") and "you deserve better and should have someone who loves you" are all pretty STRONG indicators of an affair.

Let me de-code this for you:

"need time to find myself" = Need time away from you so I can play the field.

"I've been unhappy for years" = Guys (or a particular guy) are suddenly paying me attention (in an effort to get in her pants), and they make her feel "special", and thus, she is "happy" because of the "high" she's getting from the attention and / or puppy love stage. This attention is making her feel excited and desireable...something you maybe have not made her feel in a long time.

"You deserve better" = I deserve better...and I think maybe I found it. But, I'll keep you hanging on by a tether until I'm sure.

All this traveling, a "new, sexier" her, needing to find herself, needs time alone to "think", etc., etc. Not looking good.

Not saying it's postively the case, but I bet if you look hard enough, there will be evidence of an EA or PA in her recent past or present.

 

[Toffer]

Yeah, I'd try and rule out a possible affair too
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[CanadianGuy]

You're being totally played. Where are your boundaries? Your acting like you are unconditional with your love. She knows this and see's you as weak and pathetic and is doing whatever she can get away with because you'll allow it.

Not why is she treating me like this, rather why am I allowing myself to be treated this way? So why?

Why should you move out? She's the one in conflict with herself. If she needs to find herself tell her to go and look for herself and show her the door.

 

[Emerald]

No disrespect, but your wife is too vain. I also understand how failed plastic surgery is devastating. She wants to be attractive to other men & is either having an affair or wants to launch one soon. She is ungrateful, spoiled by you & bored.

I hope you move back to the marital home & your children soon. Your children need their father, not be abandoned by him.

After you verify cheating or no cheating, time for marriage counseling.

I'm sorry about all of this.

 

[TheEruditeOne]

Hi, LostGuy. You're not the one that is lost, your wife is. Allow her to leave, but establish boundaries and controls so that you and the children aren't destroyed by her selfishness and indecision. Reclaim your home and raise your children. You got this!

TEO

 

[Lost guy]

Thks ladies(& guys)...needed a bit of confermation that what I was thinking is the right track...I do work hard for this woman and my kids...I adore all of them...I would do anything for them and would have done anything for her...I do realize that it probably took a little bit of the sponanety out of the relationship but with her not working to make much contribution to the function of the house, I was willing to accept the responsibilty....2nite I am going back to the house...will be starting the conversation with her bout space and needing the time to figure things out...if she can do it in the same house, fine....if not then it shall be up to her to find that new place(..a rental..I'm too emtionally shaken to commit to such a long term plan of purchase..) I wanted the relationship...I want to work on it so I can mak it better for her,kids and me...if she doesn't and there is the possibility of an EA then she can sort that through in her rental place....I hated the seperation and felt betrayed that she was the one wanting out and here I am alone when I never asked for any of this
..Am I on the right road when I think of, mak'n someone happy or feel'n special, that there really was no winning for me if she can't BE happy with herself or know in her heart that she is special?? It's my responsibility to understand that a relationship always needs work but in the end a persons happiness really is their responsibilty??? That sounds harsh but I've come to realize this in the last little while....It's not wrong is it????

 

[MaritimeGuy]

Am I on the right road when I think of, mak'n someone happy or feel'n special, that there really was no winning for me if she can't BE happy with herself or know in her heart that she is special?? It's my responsibility to understand that a relationship always needs work but in the end a persons happiness really is their responsibilty??? That sounds harsh but I've come to realize this in the last little while....It's not wrong is it????

You can't make her happy. We're all responsible for our own happiness in life.

From the sounds of your story she is not happy. I think she's looking for answers as to why. You're a big part of her life so she's chosen to hold you responsible. That's unfair of her to do that. A relationship is made up of two people and both have a role in making that a positive experience.

 

[Emerald]

Good luck with moving back home. Stay firm on this.

I still think the "you should have someone that loves you more" means an affair. If she cares so much about what you need, then she would not want a separation.

Please investigate.

 

[CanadianGuy]

Lost Guy. Your happiness is your responsibility. Perhaps you may be on to something with the EA in which case you are her plan B because if you were plan A you wouldn't be on here asking questions.

IMO she is taking you for granted. If as you say you have provided her and the children with a comfortable life then she is lacking in the appreciation department.

I think you may have difficulties with your own boundaries as far as how you are allowing yourself to be treated. It does sound like she has you on a string/leash etc. In an effort to please her you are bending over backwards even to the point of going against what you believe a good relationship is built on. The more distance she creates the harder you try to get close. If you would like to stop this drama I suggest telling her that when she's ready or willing to work on the relationship you'll be there but include at time line. Then leave her alone. Focus on giving to your kids, work and yourself. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it sounds like your self-esteem and self-worth is wrapped up in how she feels (?)

Have you told her how unhappy you are with the situation? It's important to phrase it so that she knows that your not unhappy ( even if you are ) in general but that you feel the situation is an unhappy one. See the difference?

I really hope this gets better for the both of you.

 

[pandorabox]

She is not having an affair yet. When you have an affair you feel wanted and desired and you dress attractive and spend a lot of time on your make up but you don't start cutting your body as your lover already finds you attractive and that's the high of it. Just my 2 cents based on my affair