She says she is not at fault. What should I do?

17805 Views 58 Replies 33 Participants Last post by TRy, Nov 3, 2012

fir

Discussion Starter · Oct 31, 2012

My wife of 6 years had a torrid, albeit brief, affair in February this year. When I found out about it I was devastated and there was this period of massive emotional turbulence. Eventually I decided to forgive her and move on, as she convinced me that it was a very brief spur of the moment thing and I knew for a fact that she had been faithful till that point. But I made one point very clear that she could not be in touch with him henceforth in any way -- which I thought is an obvious pre-requisite to move on.

A couple of days back I found out that she has been communicating with him over phone calls and SMS -- around 20 calls this month and 12 the month before. On confronting her on this, she is saying that this guy was pestering her to restart the relationship and she was arguing with him that it is not worth it. It seems to me that my wife was open to the idea of a casual occasional non-physical "friendship" thingy continuing while the guy wanted more (which she was against and hence all the debate over calls). She says, and I tend to believe her on this, that she never met the guy during this time.

On my part, I can understand a couple of calls to tell off someone or to achieve closure. I feel very very cheated given the amount of communication which she had and which she took pains to conceal from me. I feel that if she had the same love and respect for me as I have for her and if she valued our marriage as strongly as I do, she should have told the guy off and also been transparent about this to me.

I feel this is reason enough for me to call it quits. She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible. The reason she did not tell me about these communication was because she was "handling" the issue herself and did not want to upset me. She really wants continue the marriage.

What should I do?

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Cubby

· #2 · Oct 31, 2012

32 calls to convince the guy that she's not interested?

And why do you believe her that she never met the guy during this time? Always remember: Cheaters lie and liars cheat.

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Cubby

· #3 · Oct 31, 2012

Also....how many text messages and emails have you found?

tom67

· #4 · Oct 31, 2012

The problem stems from the fact that she didn't have to face any consequences back when you found out. I would pack her stuff in black garbage bags and drive her to om house. I wouldn't care if he's married or not if he's married explain to omw she is still talking to him. There have to be consequences for people's bad behaviour.

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strugglinghusband

· #5 · Oct 31, 2012

start here, read it, learn it, live it...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

she possibly took it underground, and you are being gaslighted big time, get one thing straight she didnt tell you about the contact because she KNEW she was wrong, not to keep you from being upset..

SHE can not continue to have contact, no way no how....

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Acorn

· #6 · Oct 31, 2012

She has demonstrated that she will repeatedly ignore your boundaries, and that she has little respect for you. Time to call it quits...

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Hope1964

· #7 · Oct 31, 2012

Get this book and tell her she has 6 hours to read it. If, after she reads it, she still doesn't think she's done anything wrong, kick her out.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

If she DOES admit she's been wrong, tell her what she has to do to convince you she means it:
reconciliation vs rug sweeping

And read the rest of the newbie link in my signature. Good luck.

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gdtm0111

· #8 · Oct 31, 2012

If I find myself in the same position, she's already had EA / PA (kissed OM), I would call it quits. I'm having a hard enough time this first go round.

If she doesn't value your marriage enough, and continues to talk or whatever with the OM, it should give clear insight as to your decision.

This is frustrating. Now I continue to check cell phone records, and even read text messages between my W and her gf the other day to get more answers. For my own sanity, I will not allow myself to go thru this again. I would be done!
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warlock07

· #9 · Oct 31, 2012

She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible.

She is lying...I am 100% sure about it.. Don't even doubt that part. And it is not even unfair if she is taking so many calls to "convince him" either...She is obviously enjoying the talks and is hiding something more

You might have to re-inspect her claims of it being the spur of the moment. How did you conform this ?

Who is the OM? Is he married ? Have you exposed him ? have you confronted him ?

I feel this is reason enough for me to call it quits.

Absolutely!! You should probably do it unless you guys have kids(then you might want to take some time before you make the final decision). Fool me twice...! And both the times, you had to find out while she was trying very hard to hide this stuff. How did you find out this time ? Next time, she will just get better at hiding

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Simple kind of man

· #10 · Oct 31, 2012

How long were the calls?
Why did she even answer the phone?
Why didn't she immediately tell you that he was trying to contact her and that she wanted nothing to do with it?

She's hiding it from you and she's lying to your face about it.

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tom67

· #11 · Oct 31, 2012

warlock07 said:
She feels I am being unfair because she actually did not "do" anything apart from trying to convince the guy that a serious relationship between them is not possible.

She is lying...I am 100% sure about it.. And it is not even unfair if she is taking so many calls to "convince him" either...She is obviously enjoying the talks and is hiding something more

You might have to re-inspect her claims of it being the spur of the moment. How did you conform this ?

Who is the OM? Is he married ? Have you exposed him ? have you confronted him ?

Expose today to friends and family, do you know the om?

the guy

· #12 · Oct 31, 2012

If you deside to try and work this out, then I suggest a polygraph for your wife. Also I would think that the both of you call OM and confront him, have your wife write a no contact letter and you send it.

Have you tried to plant a VAR?

If you do lean towards leaving then I suggest you chill out act like all is good and keep investigating.....the information you gather will either validate your next step or confirm your wifes commitment. In short give her enough rope to hanger her self.

Is the OM single?

SadandAngry

· #13 · Oct 31, 2012

She is lying, lower the boom on her. Do you have kids?

The Middleman

· #14 · Oct 31, 2012

Well she broke her promise to you and that alone justifies you to divorce her and move on. When you said "torrid", I'm assuming you meant a very physical affair. For me being physical multiple times, that's generally a deal breaker that requires divorce. However, if you can live with that, then it's fine. What gets me is the continued contact; I never understood the whole closure thing. Once you disclose you your BS about an affair and promise "No Contact", what is the value of closure other than to get another fix. I just don't fvcking get it. So, I say she is lying to you. I would ask her to see all the texts. If she doesn't do it, then you know where you stand.

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donny64

· #15 · Oct 31, 2012

She's still carrying on with it in some regard...at a minimum "in her head".

This is easy. "It's over" means just that. "Do not contact me again" means just that. She does not owe him soothed feelings, explanations, or anything else. He got involved with a married woman. He knew the risks.

No contact means just that. She either goes completely NC with this guy, and drops off the face of the earth as far as he's concerned, or you come down on her like a ton of bricks.

It's not that hard. Tell her to stop answering his calls, texts, emails, etc. It is just that simple.

Tony55

· #16 · Oct 31, 2012

fir said:
But I made one point very clear that she could not be in touch with him henceforth in any way...

It's very clear that she was in touch with the other man, henceforth.

Now, are you a man of your word? Are you a paper tiger? Do you mean what you say?

On this, she will judge you.

T

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fir

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 31, 2012

Thanks for the replies guys. To answer your questions:

@Cubby: This is her call record. The longest call was 25 minutes and the shortest for a minute
Calls SMS
Oct 12 50
Sep 1 16
Aug 0 0
July 4 75
June 0 0
May 0 0

About the OM
-------------
He is a strange sod. He doesn't work and claims to have a fortune stacked up (which I doubt) but his wife has a very good job. He has a bohemian lifestyle, travelling a lot on pleasure. It seems they have a dont ask/dont tell kind of policy between the husband and wife. I had told his wife the first time around and she seemed upset more from my point of view than anything else. So, as I said, it is very strange. I had socially interacted with them a few times before the affair happened but dont know them or their circle of friends very well.

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warlock07

· #18 · Oct 31, 2012

How long did the affair go ?

Looks like one of those wacky couples in open relationships, only with absolutely no integrity. Have you considered exposing him at work place and his family ? Have you confronted him about it ?

The Middleman

· #19 · Oct 31, 2012

fir said:
Thanks for the replies guys. To answer your questions:

@Cubby: This is her call record. The longest call was 25 minutes and the shortest for a minute
Calls SMS
Oct 12 50
Sep 1 16
Aug 0 0
July 4 75
June 0 0
May 0 0

About the OM
-------------
He is a strange sod. He doesn't work and claims to have a fortune stacked up (which I doubt) but his wife has a very good job. He has a bohemian lifestyle, travelling a lot on pleasure. It seems they have a dont ask/dont tell kind of policy between the husband and wife. I had told his wife the first time around and she seemed upset more from my point of view than anything else. So, as I said, it is very strange. I had socially interacted with them a few times before the affair happened but dont know them or their circle of friends very well.

Well to me what you have to do is clear; you tell her all contact ends immediately and you want to see the texts or you throw her and her stuff into the street. Then you get on the phone and let everyone know how "badly she behaved".

tom67

· #20 · Oct 31, 2012

warlock07 said:
How long did the affair go ?

Looks like one of those wacky couples in open relationships, only with absolutely no integrity. Have you considered exposing him at work place and his family ? Have you confronted him about it ?

You have nothing to lose at this point other than kicking her out.

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