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She says she doesn't love me anymore

17K views 78 replies 28 participants last post by  Count of Monte Cristo 
Condensing this down:

1. You have a porn problem that you need to seek help with quitting (wouldn't deem this as an issue except you continued after your wife expressed discomfort).
2. Your wife may have a drinking problem (drinking heavily while taking care of two young children is not the way a reasonable person copes).
3. Your wife has had at least one emotional affair and possibly a physical affair.

I really wish people would stop throwing out the idea that divorce is more harmful than staying in an unhealthy marriage. I can tell you that seeing parents who behave like this in a marriage is a lot more toxic than seeing parents divorced, living separately and healthy.

My two cents - you both need IC and MC. Complete transparency for you both (keyloggers/text/email passwords, etc.) in the meantime.
 
I think you did the right thing. Well, except that you should have physically torn up the plane tickets and prevented her from going. But anyway, it's FAR past time to end the gas lighting and rug sweeping. It's far past time to call a lawyer, get the ball rolling and have her served. I give this marriage about a 1% chance. And that 1% is only if you file for divorce. If you don't file right away, I'd give it a 0% chance.

Is the phone in your name? It's Friday, not too late to cancel her phone service. I'd also take all of the the money out of the checking account. Not to keep for yourself. You can have it as cash sitting in the kitchen. Just make sure that when she tries to use her debit card that it's declined. Don't make things easy for her. Start making the affair as uncomfortable as possible. Does the other man work for the same company? Notify HR. Is the OM married? Find and notify his wife. Expose her to her parents. Post that you want her to stop the affair on her facebook wall.
Definitely do all of these, as soon as possible. Then, talk to an attorney today.
 
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2 nights ago was great, we had productive discussion for the first time. Last night sucked, she said she was too emotional and didn't want to talk. Then she kept texting me (I was in the bedroom) and trying to provoke conflict. She became increasingly rude because of course she was drinking.

She finally fell asleep. I slept better last night than I have since this all started. We started talking at 5:00 this morning and again had productive discussion. She apologized and agreed not to drink at the house anymore-yah right! but if I get a few level headed days out of her I will be happy.

She wants to try to do the D on our own without Attorneys. She has agreed not to try to take the kids if she moves. If we do it all ourselves and have court ordered arrangements for the children, is this okay? I see it as a better way to stay amicable for as long as possible. Am I crazy?
I would recommend a mediator or attorney during a divorce. It is nearly impossible to keep emotions out of the mix and work things out fairly with these kind of circumstances.

It's likely she wants this because of the concerns that you may end up on the better end of the deal financially and with the kids than she will with her drinking and behavior. Document, document, document everything - drunken texting shows how she behaves in the presence of those kids.
 
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