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This is my first time ever engaging into anything like this. After reading many of the posts I figured I'd try my hand at spilling my guts. I feel a lot of comfort in reading other peoples stories and advice. Please, no name calling or talking viciously about my wife as I have seen in other posts.

History: We met when I was 17 and had just graduated HS, she was 16 and going to be a Junior. I quickly learned that she had an awful upbringing with physical and sexual abuse, foster homes, and pretty much everything terrible you can imagine could (or couldn't for that matter) happen to a little girl. We were truly in love at first sight. Unfortunately we were young and dumb and not smart enough to treat each other right. After a couple of years we eventually split up. She moved away and was out of my life for approximately 2 years. After a failed live-in relationship I became a terrible womanizer. Truth is, I couldn't be happy without her and thought about her all of the time.
One day she called me and my heart fell to the floor. We quickly rekindled feelings over the phone. She came to see me and I instantly became insanely in love all over. After spending a month together we decided to have a long distance relationship until we could figure out a permanent arrangement.

That night she was in a terrible car crash and one of the people in the car was killed. I went to be by her side in ICU and had never felt so much appreciation for life. In that one moment, I knew what it was like to live for another for the first time. She had multiple facial lacerations and had broken her neck, and could not have been more beautiful.

3 months later we were married. She held so much guilt and sorrow inside of her it's almost as if part of her had also died. 2 years later she became pregnant and we had our first child. We had always had a great and healthy sex life. She caught me looking at porn on the computer and watching some dvd's that we had. Each time she caught me it became a bigger deal. It was never a frequent thing, but on occasion I was dumb enough to look and would promise her I wouldn't do it again and I would.

She was very supportive of me in developing my career. I struggled to get hired, spending lots of time, money, and emotion. I became depressed. She caught me looking a porn again while she was pregnant and she threatened to leave me. She told me that when she was a child she was molested while the sick POS watched porn. We had our second child and because of her encouragement I continued to search for my desired job. I finally got my break and was hired. We moved 400 miles away. My poor wife was at home with a 3 year old and a newborn as I worked and was away for much of the first year. She became very depressed and began drinking heavily.

Finally we were able to live a traditional life and I was no longer required to travel. For the most part life was great. However She continued bouts of depression and heavy drinking. I became extremely focused on doing my job perfectly and I took too little interest in romancing my wife, although I never detached from our family or being a dad. I have noticed some trends in her behavior; she tends to become depressed around the anniversary of the crash (late August) and carries that into fall as the days get darker and shorter. She may tell me she's not in love with me anymore. Generally by Christmas she is slightly better, and by spring she showers me with love and tells me she is so sorry and she knows that she will always love me and couldn't be happier with our lives.

We endured many ups and downs. Over about a 3 year period she watched my computer usage and monitored my emails. On a few occasions I was sent nudy pictures of girls from friends that included jokes or similar. About 2 times she found them and was rightfully very upset with me. She started partying hard with friends and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning. After the tragic death of one of our close friends, our lives were thrown into a downward spiral. She began drinking even more and was clearly unhappy. I began suspecting she was fooling around on me.

One night she was out and came home drunk. She passed out and I looked through her texts. I found that she had been texting with a guy and had went to meet him that night when he stood her up. I called the number and got a voicemail...it was a friend of mine. We reconciled and a short time later she went to rehab for alcoholism. She became a new person and seemed to free herself from many daemons. Things became good again. About 6 months later she started drinking again, heavily at times, and causally at times. Weeks before our 10 year anniversary I began to suspect she was cheating on me again. I validated it and she told me she had a tryst with him on a work trip although she swears they did not have sex. I confronted her and she promised it was nothing and it wouldn't happen anymore. Weeks later I caught her sexting with the same guy. After a few weeks we reconciled and things improved.

I had some problems at work and got into some trouble. For the first time we got phones with internet capability. This was a whole foreign new realm. Within the first days of having it I was so amazed that you could look at little internet sites that took forever to download. After looking up sports stuff and other junk just playing around, I looked up a porn site. I flipped through a few pages then started to feel tremendously guilty. I quickly shut it off and didn't think any more about it. Weeks later she was snooping through my phone and saw that I had been looking at porn. She hated me and I hated myself. She wanted me to move out and we began putting things in motion to try to do so. We went to counseling and eventually reconciled.

Last year we moved into a wonderful house in a perfect neighborhood and felt like we got a fresh start. Life couldn't have been better, both of our jobs were going well and we have 2 perfect happy healthy children. She has continued to drink heavily at times, but doesn't really go out much and I have learned to live with it. We had a great spring and terrific summer. We have continued a healthy sex-life and are one of those creepy couples who say "I love you" a thousand times a day.

2 weeks ago I went to bed early. I awoke at 1 in the morning hearing her loudly talking on the phone while she was drunk. She quickly hung up. I took her phone and saw she was talking to a guy she worked with in a different state. I read through her texts and found pages and pages of texts about seeing each other and pictures of him blowing her kisses. He told her he loved her. She said it was too soon. Several texts later she said "I'll break my own rules, I <3 you too, do you believe in fate?" I called her on it and she immediately said it was just a fling and they had only started 2 days prior. Unfortunately she was scheduled to fly to the city this guy lives in for a promotional interview and work meetings (or so she says). I quickly forbid her to go, but then decided that wouldn't help my family. I told her to go, because if she was really going to go through with it and be with him then we needed to be divorced anyway.

She returned from the trip and has acted even stranger, although she swears they never even saw each other. Like so many of the others, I smothered her and begged for her to fix things. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says I betrayed her too much with my "porn addiction". She said she isn't sure if she loves him or not, but thinks she shouldn't be able to be smitten so easily and it's because I show her no special attention or romance.

Throughout our marriage she has over-gifted all holidays and birthdays. She has almost always made a big deal about me and I have always fallen short on hers. I never forget, I just never do anything big or work to make her feel special.

I’m sorry this is so long, I wish there was a cliff-notes version I could write, I actually deleted about ¼ of it already. So…. am I crazy? I want my wife back, I love her, and we’ve been married almost 13 years. We have 2 awesome kids who deserve a normal life. My parent’s got divorced when I was young; I grew up with vindictive BS and my parents playing games. I never had much and think my kids deserve better!
 

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It sounds like she's got a lot of unresolved issues from her past, and what do you mean when you say you "reconciled" after all her incidents? Did you deal with anything, or just sweep it under the rug?

Honestly, it seems like you're enabling her bad behavior, and she'll continue doing it because there's no consequences to it.

C
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This is my first time ever engaging into anything like this. After reading many of the posts I figured I'd try my hand at spilling my guts. I feel a lot of comfort in reading other peoples stories and advice. Please, no name calling or talking viciously about my wife as I have seen in other posts.

History: We met when I was 17 and had just graduated HS, she was 16 and going to be a Junior. I quickly learned that she had an awful upbringing with physical and sexual abuse, foster homes, and pretty much everything terrible you can imagine could (or couldn't for that matter) happen to a little girl. We were truly in love at first sight. Unfortunately we were young and dumb and not smart enough to treat each other right. After a couple of years we eventually split up. She moved away and was out of my life for approximately 2 years. After a failed live-in relationship I became a terrible womanizer. Truth is, I couldn't be happy without her and thought about her all of the time.
One day she called me and my heart fell to the floor. We quickly rekindled feelings over the phone. She came to see me and I instantly became insanely in love all over. After spending a month together we decided to have a long distance relationship until we could figure out a permanent arrangement.

That night she was in a terrible car crash and one of the people in the car was killed. I went to be by her side in ICU and had never felt so much appreciation for life. In that one moment, I knew what it was like to live for another for the first time. She had multiple facial lacerations and had broken her neck, and could not have been more beautiful.

3 months later we were married. She held so much guilt and sorrow inside of her it's almost as if part of her had also died. 2 years later she became pregnant and we had our first child. We had always had a great and healthy sex life. She caught me looking at porn on the computer and watching some dvd's that we had. Each time she caught me it became a bigger deal. It was never a frequent thing, but on occasion I was dumb enough to look and would promise her I wouldn't do it again and I would.

She was very supportive of me in developing my career. I struggled to get hired, spending lots of time, money, and emotion. I became depressed. She caught me looking a porn again while she was pregnant and she threatened to leave me. She told me that when she was a child she was molested while the sick POS watched porn. We had our second child and because of her encouragement I continued to search for my desired job. I finally got my break and was hired. We moved 400 miles away. My poor wife was at home with a 3 year old and a newborn as I worked and was away for much of the first year. She became very depressed and began drinking heavily.

Finally we were able to live a traditional life and I was no longer required to travel. For the most part life was great. However She continued bouts of depression and heavy drinking. I became extremely focused on doing my job perfectly and I took too little interest in romancing my wife, although I never detached from our family or being a dad. I have noticed some trends in her behavior; she tends to become depressed around the anniversary of the crash (late August) and carries that into fall as the days get darker and shorter. She may tell me she's not in love with me anymore. Generally by Christmas she is slightly better, and by spring she showers me with love and tells me she is so sorry and she knows that she will always love me and couldn't be happier with our lives.

We endured many ups and downs. Over about a 3 year period she watched my computer usage and monitored my emails. On a few occasions I was sent nudy pictures of girls from friends that included jokes or similar. About 2 times she found them and was rightfully very upset with me. She started partying hard with friends and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning. After the tragic death of one of our close friends, our lives were thrown into a downward spiral. She began drinking even more and was clearly unhappy. I began suspecting she was fooling around on me.

One night she was out and came home drunk. She passed out and I looked through her texts. I found that she had been texting with a guy and had went to meet him that night when he stood her up. I called the number and got a voicemail...it was a friend of mine. We reconciled and a short time later she went to rehab for alcoholism. She became a new person and seemed to free herself from many daemons. Things became good again. About 6 months later she started drinking again, heavily at times, and causally at times. Weeks before our 10 year anniversary I began to suspect she was cheating on me again. I validated it and she told me she had a tryst with him on a work trip although she swears they did not have sex. I confronted her and she promised it was nothing and it wouldn't happen anymore. Weeks later I caught her sexting with the same guy. After a few weeks we reconciled and things improved.

I had some problems at work and got into some trouble. For the first time we got phones with internet capability. This was a whole foreign new realm. Within the first days of having it I was so amazed that you could look at little internet sites that took forever to download. After looking up sports stuff and other junk just playing around, I looked up a porn site. I flipped through a few pages then started to feel tremendously guilty. I quickly shut it off and didn't think any more about it. Weeks later she was snooping through my phone and saw that I had been looking at porn. She hated me and I hated myself. She wanted me to move out and we began putting things in motion to try to do so. We went to counseling and eventually reconciled.

Last year we moved into a wonderful house in a perfect neighborhood and felt like we got a fresh start. Life couldn't have been better, both of our jobs were going well and we have 2 perfect happy healthy children. She has continued to drink heavily at times, but doesn't really go out much and I have learned to live with it. We had a great spring and terrific summer. We have continued a healthy sex-life and are one of those creepy couples who say "I love you" a thousand times a day.

2 weeks ago I went to bed early. I awoke at 1 in the morning hearing her loudly talking on the phone while she was drunk. She quickly hung up. I took her phone and saw she was talking to a guy she worked with in a different state. I read through her texts and found pages and pages of texts about seeing each other and pictures of him blowing her kisses. He told her he loved her. She said it was too soon. Several texts later she said "I'll break my own rules, I <3 you too, do you believe in fate?" I called her on it and she immediately said it was just a fling and they had only started 2 days prior. Unfortunately she was scheduled to fly to the city this guy lives in for a promotional interview and work meetings (or so she says). I quickly forbid her to go, but then decided that wouldn't help my family. I told her to go, because if she was really going to go through with it and be with him then we needed to be divorced anyway.

She returned from the trip and has acted even stranger, although she swears they never even saw each other. Like so many of the others, I smothered her and begged for her to fix things. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says I betrayed her too much with my "porn addiction". She said she isn't sure if she loves him or not, but thinks she shouldn't be able to be smitten so easily and it's because I show her no special attention or romance.

Throughout our marriage she has over-gifted all holidays and birthdays. She has almost always made a big deal about me and I have always fallen short on hers. I never forget, I just never do anything big or work to make her feel special.

I’m sorry this is so long, I wish there was a cliff-notes version I could write, I actually deleted about ¼ of it already. So…. am I crazy? I want my wife back, I love her, and we’ve been married almost 13 years. We have 2 awesome kids who deserve a normal life. My parent’s got divorced when I was young; I grew up with vindictive BS and my parents playing games. I never had much and think my kids deserve better!
I understand why you dont want your wife bashed, she has been through some terrible things in her life and you seem to want to save her from it all. You have to understand that she has to conquer her own demons, you cant rescue her. She needs intensive therapy! I think you are too passive to put your foot down and demand she not talk to anyone else again or you'll leave. You're afraid of hurting her more because you want to be her saviour! Am I right?

The truth is that no matter what she has dealt with in her life it doesnt justify what she is doing over and over again to you and your children. She is going to keep doing it until you put a stop to it or until she deals with her demons.
 

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Condensing this down:

1. You have a porn problem that you need to seek help with quitting (wouldn't deem this as an issue except you continued after your wife expressed discomfort).
2. Your wife may have a drinking problem (drinking heavily while taking care of two young children is not the way a reasonable person copes).
3. Your wife has had at least one emotional affair and possibly a physical affair.

I really wish people would stop throwing out the idea that divorce is more harmful than staying in an unhealthy marriage. I can tell you that seeing parents who behave like this in a marriage is a lot more toxic than seeing parents divorced, living separately and healthy.

My two cents - you both need IC and MC. Complete transparency for you both (keyloggers/text/email passwords, etc.) in the meantime.
 

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There are many couples that look at porn in healthy marriages...She is using that one excuse to continuously cheat on you. Yet she is an alcoholic addict, continuously cheating on you. I don't think you have a porn addiction(based on your post), even though you have a porn problem in your marriage.

Offer to give up porn if she gives up the heavy drinking and see how she reacts..

Is the last guy married ? You need to find his wife and tell him if it is the case..
 

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No need to be sorry for what you've posted. Letting it out is much better than holding it in.

Everything seems to have happened so fast for you guys and there's a lot of toing and froing. The drinking, sexting and whole affairs are not helping at all even though I'm sure it's an escape for her. That's a lot of running away. Does watching porn help you escape too?

I think that you being the one that wants to solve it all the time isn't helping. I've learnt that it has to be BOTH of you agreeing and taking the action to making it happen.

Perhaps separate support would be better and that's likely to take a lot of time. Speaking of which a time out might also be needed if you want a future as a healthier family. Try and look after yourself too - even though it might seem hard with all the responsibility you are taking on.

How are your children reacting to it all?
 

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I don't think you and your wife can begin to know where you stand until she stops drinking.

Her drinking colors everything about your relationship.

She is troubled, definitely, and your children deserve not to grow up in a house plagued by infidelity, but they foremost deserve to be free of an alcoholic parent.
 

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I realized when I proofread how many times I said we reconciled PBear, however I decided I should leave those in in order to appropriately display how pathetic I am.

I agree my watching porn doesn't equate to real or "virtual affairs", however this is what she keeps saying when we talk about it. That I have hurt her so bad. Part of me thinks its total BS and it's an escape, the other part of me wonders if I truly have hurt her so bad. She still checks up on me all of the time, which I am okay with , I feel like I deserve that lack of trust in that area. Sadly I haven't checked up on her in years, and barely even have now! I just figure if I can't have some trust in her, then I shouldn't want to be married to her.

I don't think I want to be her savior LetDownNTX, I just feel like when you say I do, it's for real. I made a commitment to love her and be committed to her for life. I also take all of the BULL$hit and pile it in one hand, and take all of the GREAT and put it in the other, and the the GREAT is still heavier. I've told her many times that when there are more bad days than good days that's when I'll be done. Does that make sense?

TCSRedhead, I don't think I have a porn problem, but wanted to appropriately document my faults also. I didn't want to say "poor me, poor me, I am great and she is awful"! I know she has a drinking problem. She doesn't drink everyday, and functions appropriately in society. However she gets loaded all of the time for escape and self medication. One thing I did learn when she went to rehab was that I can't draw the line when she needs help with her drinking. I can, however, make sure that I take care of myself and set boundaries. That I have not done lately! I don't disagree that divorce can be a great thing. I however feel like I've kept sticking it out and sacrificing some in order to get through each of the bad times. Hence my asking "am I crazy?" I would be telling myself to run for the hills!!!

Warlock, I agree about the porn. However there is nothing to give up, I truly don't look at it. Haven't in a while. He's not married, according to my Facebook stalking of him, he just ended a substantial relationship in September. However, I don't blame him. Sounds pathetic, I know. Like I told her though, what kind of giant doucher goes after married women with families? He's obviously a POS!

Timeforchange, yes, you are correct, our lives have been a roller-coaster, but honestly, aren't all of ours? I think living with the ups and downs are what makes it a life. I learned a long time ago no one is perfect. Our kids are doing great and don't have a clue. I agree on IC's (learning the lingo), we've tried MC's but they always want to dig up old crap, every time I've left way more upset than before we walked in.

Thanks all for your quick answers, sad part is I am not a pathetic person in life. My job is very authoritative and I am very good at it. I always stand up for myself and try to live my life with conviction...accept when it comes to my wife. I cannot imagine a life without her!
 

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I don't think I want to be her savior LetDownNTX, I just feel like when you say I do, it's for real. I made a commitment to love her and be committed to her for life. I also take all of the BULL$hit and pile it in one hand, and take all of the GREAT and put it in the other, and the the GREAT is still heavier. I've told her many times that when there are more bad days than good days that's when I'll be done. Does that make sense?
I wonder how many more times she is going to crap on you before you realize she doesnt value you or she wouldnt keep doing it? Better or worse doesnt mean letting someone beat you down continually and doing nothing about it. You're the one that has to live in your life, so however you chose to live it, you have to be happy.
 

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I wonder how many more times she is going to crap on you before you realize she doesnt value you or she wouldnt keep doing it? Better or worse doesnt mean letting someone beat you down continually and doing nothing about it. You're the one that has to live in your life, so however you chose to live it, you have to be happy.
You may need some ic you sound extremely codependent if she has zero consequences for her actions she will cheat on you again sorry but it will happen.
 

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Watching porn does not equate to her cheating on you multiple times. Sorry but you should tell her to move out and show her some tough love you rugswept each one.
I was going to reply and then I read this post and this guy said exactly what I was going to say.
 

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Timeforchange, yes, you are correct, our lives have been a roller-coaster, but honestly, aren't all of ours? I think living with the ups and downs are what makes it a life. I learned a long time ago no one is perfect. Our kids are doing great and don't have a clue. I agree on IC's (learning the lingo), we've tried MC's but they always want to dig up old crap, every time I've left way more upset than before we walked in.

I cannot imagine a life without her!
Ups and downs is due to health, financial and outside factors that affect the marriage. Your marriage is a train wreck that you should have ran away from long ago.

But that last sentence says it all and until you can let go of that, there is NO advice that is going to help you. None, nada, zilch, zero.

If you cannot let them go if they can't compromise, stop complaining and just suck it up and live with it.

When you give the OR ELSE ultimatum and it's an empty threat, go cry me a river. I'm being pretty harsh here but comon man, you complain but you won't do anything that will either stop what she's doing or leave the marriage to help yourself.

If I tell my kids or else and don't back it up, they just keep doing it again. If they're grounded, they're grounded (ok, ok, once in blue moon they flash me that smile and give me the I love you daddy with a kiss and I do give in). BTW, those are the only girls who can manipulate me!!!!!

I can live without my wife, parents, friends, etc...The only ones I can't live without would be my kids (well most of the time, like 99.9%, there is that .1% that creeps up once in a while).

I love them all but if they're not with me I can still function and live a happy life, meaning the wife/parents/friends. Friends and wife I can replace, parents are old now and I've long ago realized we all die one day so I'm not going to go all to pieces when they're gone. Love them all but I've got a life to live, especially with my kids.

LOL, damn that sounds pretty cold doesn't it.
 

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I have no advice for you my friend, the mistakes have already been made. The biggest mistake you made was letting her go on that trip. No matter what the benefits of that trip were to your family, I guarantee you she became physical with him while she was there. For me, this would be too difficult for me to recover from (she makes a planned trip to physically hook up) no matter what the other factors are.
 

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Hard to disagree with you guys. I know it's pathetic, I never in a million years could have imagined accepting adultery and trying to move on. I would probably kick my own a$$ if I had the chance.

I am going to try IC, I had a bad experience when I was about 6 and my parents made me go during their divorce. I have gone to an IC 2 successful times before, once not long after we were married and trying to understand how to deal with things, and once a couple of years ago when I was stressed to the max and having problems with her, and work and wasn't feeling too good about myself.

We each went to IC's a couple of years ago when I looked at porn on my cell. FYI, he determined I didn't have an addiction to porn, but that I was a dumb a$$ for looking periodically. After a few sessions the 4 of us all met to talk as a group. HORRIBLE IDEA! Don't ever get sucked into that BS!

I know I need to ball-up. Unfortunately like so many others, separation doesn't seem affordable. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

Lastly, CHEATINGHUBBY, I completely agree with you about your feelings about your kids I don't think anyone could have put it any better. Please let me show you a different view point about divorce. We have a family of 4. All are of equal parts and no one is more or less valuable than the other. I can't divorce my kids if I get pissed at them, how can I divorce my wife? Obviously my kids are little, only 7 and 10, and maybe someday I will separate ties with a child after being burned by a drug addiction or thefts or some other terrible horror story that we hear all too often. But I guarantee you that day could only come after $hittons of years of abuse from them. I guarantee you I will fight for them or darn-near die trying. And that is how I feel about marriage!
 

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There are many couples that look at porn in healthy marriages...She is using that one excuse to continuously cheat on you. Yet she is an alcoholic addict, continuously cheating on you. I don't think you have a porn addiction(based on your post), even though you have a porn problem in your marriage.

Offer to give up porn if she gives up the heavy drinking and see how she reacts..

Is the last guy married ? You need to find his wife and tell him if it is the case..
I completely agree with the rest except for the bolded part above.
She complained about the porn way before she crossed any boundaire. It's in OP's first post. While porn is not a big deal for some it's for many others. She triggers the sexual abuse with porn. OP knows, he gives sh1t anyway. Own it, man. She was not cheating when she confessed the abuse and the link to porn. The fact OP has not a porn addiction is irrelevant. As a matter of fact it make his use even worse. It's a about taking into acount seriously something which actually hurts his wife.

Of course, she now uses porn to justify her cheating, the same whay she'd use whatever excuse at hand. For the cheating, the alcoholism... they always shift the blame.

IC for both, MC too.
Bundaires.
But before tring to fix the marriage or even commit to it you need to kill this affair NOW. If not you won't have the chance to decide, the marriage won't enjoy that opportunity. She doesn't need to "love you" for now. She needs to commit to end the affair. NOW.

So demand the basics:
NC letter.
Complete transparence.
Complete disclosure to your satisfaction. Of this affair and old transgressions (I'm sure there're more).
IC, MC.

Just one more thing. Alcoholics cheat. It's a fact. The questions is not "if" but "when" and "how often". They use affairs to self medicate, to numb themselves the same way the use alcohol. Inner turmoil, lack of coping skills....
 

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I'll say this just once more & then I'll get off this thread & leave you alone.

Trying to fix things with your wife without getting her off the alcohol is like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

Your W will be a very different person when she completely stops drinking & it is this person, this sober person, that you want to have as a spouse.
 

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I'll say this just once more & then I'll get off this thread & leave you alone.

Trying to fix things with your wife without getting her off the alcohol is like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

Your W will be a very different person when she completely stops drinking & it is this person, this sober person, that you want to have as a spouse.
:iagree:
Not only that. Sher needs whay more than stopping drinking. She needs to enter in to recovery.
Even when she's not drinking she's a dry drunk.
 

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Lastly, CHEATINGHUBBY, I completely agree with you about your feelings about your kids I don't think anyone could have put it any better. Please let me show you a different view point about divorce. We have a family of 4. All are of equal parts and no one is more or less valuable than the other. I can't divorce my kids if I get pissed at them, how can I divorce my wife?
Because she took vows with you and broke them...badly. She has to earn her place in the family, same as you.
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