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10,382 Posts
I reckon you’re both right, and it’s worth it. It’s still hard to swallow and I’m not even him.
She says she "doesn't know" but she really does...
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615 Posts
You should of told her what my wife told me when I told her I want to go back and train part time....."not a chance, not a ****ing chance"
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8,892 Posts
Agree. It is difficult to think about giving her more money, when that's all she's been after from the get go, but he needs less drama in his life, not more. Getting her out of his house asap should be a priority. He needs to regain his emotional and mental health.
@bluegoose, she no longer has personal access to your money, correct? She has a job that she needs to start using to support herself.
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24 Posts
First of all thank you all for the brutally honest feedback. It is immensely appreciated and a good dose of reality that I need right now.
You are also correct on the reasoning behind trying to do this as amicably as possible and give up a little now to prevent giving a lot more later. This is not the mountain I want to die planting my flag on...
You are also correct on the self wallowing and self criticism. I actually fault myself for not fully supporting her competition that she didn't speak to me about, lied to me about, deceived me about and basically committed financial and emotional infidelity. And I beat MYSELF up because I got angry!!! I laugh out loud when I tell the whole story instead of the "he wasn't a supportive husband" version. Trust me, my therapist has a field day with that but at the same time appreciates even in this situation I can still acknowledge what I've done wrong even if it was a response to being hurt. Only I control my reaction to a given situation...
The issue with filing BEFORE she is out is I have seen the ugly side of this person and heard the threats. It is essentially a Chess match at this point where I have to play the end game correctly and let the little losses go at this point. I need to get to the end game as amicably as possible.
Yes, a percentage of everything I've made during the marriage plus a percentage anything that would have been considered "joint" that was invested into the house. It's worth it to try and pre-empt it if possible.
You are also correct on the reasoning behind trying to do this as amicably as possible and give up a little now to prevent giving a lot more later. This is not the mountain I want to die planting my flag on...
You are also correct on the self wallowing and self criticism. I actually fault myself for not fully supporting her competition that she didn't speak to me about, lied to me about, deceived me about and basically committed financial and emotional infidelity. And I beat MYSELF up because I got angry!!! I laugh out loud when I tell the whole story instead of the "he wasn't a supportive husband" version. Trust me, my therapist has a field day with that but at the same time appreciates even in this situation I can still acknowledge what I've done wrong even if it was a response to being hurt. Only I control my reaction to a given situation...
No joint counseling, I am just still seeing the couples counselor we went to together individually to help through this process.
Ironically that WAS the life I was living before we got married... I was actually owning/driving my own race car all over the East Coast and living on the beach... The car is for sale now, the trailer sold yesterday...
The issue with filing BEFORE she is out is I have seen the ugly side of this person and heard the threats. It is essentially a Chess match at this point where I have to play the end game correctly and let the little losses go at this point. I need to get to the end game as amicably as possible.
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24 Posts
Hard for me too but lose the battle win the war...
I should have had a set from the get go... I would have saved my self a lot of stress and aggravation! To be fair, I tried months ago and she love bombed me back in but I was always dubious this would be the outcome after her competition and trip. Part of allowing her to do it was forcing her not to would have given her something to hold against [email protected]!
Correct, no access to my accounts. Yep, time for her to be a grown up, she hasn't even been able to afford our cleaning girl once a month or the food shops for the house but she could spend thousands on a competition... Absolutely the priorities of an adult.
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12,070 Posts
It's going to cost what it costs.
When I left my kids abusive father my father told me to pay what it cost even if I thought it was unfair. He said it was the price of getting my life back and I could make more money. I offered him a much better deal them I could've gotten. Even his lawyer told him to take it, which he did and I was rid of him.
Guess what? I made a lot more money and I still make money.
Your wife will blow through whatever she gets but you'll make more.
Don't get hung up on every last dollar.....get your life back.
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10,382 Posts
I agree with lifestooshort.
Why are you possibly thinking that this can be “amicable” with the type of person you described??????????????
Once you cut her money abs credit cards off—- she’s going to turn straight into Mr Hyde.
There’s no chess match. You just get a shark lawyer and turn him loose. She’s going to do everything in her power to be as costly as she possibly can, because in her totally f’d up, entitled, bikini contesting mind—- you deserve it…
Stop thinking you can somehow bend spacetime and make this easy. Just get it done. She’s NOT going to cut you any slack.
Did she cut you any on the Hawaii deal?
you need to graduate from t ball and start playing hardball before you get steamrolled. Get a plan in place and please, don’t let that plan include placating her, thinking it’s even possible and that if you do, she’s going to take A lesser deal—- she isn’t. Even reasonable people are going to take care of themselves as best they can, and yours isn’t reasonable.
Why are you possibly thinking that this can be “amicable” with the type of person you described??????????????
Once you cut her money abs credit cards off—- she’s going to turn straight into Mr Hyde.
There’s no chess match. You just get a shark lawyer and turn him loose. She’s going to do everything in her power to be as costly as she possibly can, because in her totally f’d up, entitled, bikini contesting mind—- you deserve it…
Stop thinking you can somehow bend spacetime and make this easy. Just get it done. She’s NOT going to cut you any slack.
Did she cut you any on the Hawaii deal?
you need to graduate from t ball and start playing hardball before you get steamrolled. Get a plan in place and please, don’t let that plan include placating her, thinking it’s even possible and that if you do, she’s going to take A lesser deal—- she isn’t. Even reasonable people are going to take care of themselves as best they can, and yours isn’t reasonable.
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4,628 Posts
Goose....you know the olds adage " Fool me once shame on you fool me twice and I got to get my head examined"...so now that you know when are you going to file divorce papers on her and kick her to the curb.
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24 Posts
Her deposit is down. Move out date is April 1st.
Nothing else to say really. Going to a new IC today to figure out why my self esteem was so low I allowed this to happen to myself and repeatedly made someone else a priority when they always treated me as an option...
It's funny, I did a self score of the things I wanted in a marriage. We got a .5/12
Love- Meh, maybe she loves the life I provide I will give that a .5
Trust-X
Honesty-X
Empathy-X
Compassion-X
Communication-X
Respect-X
Partnership-X
Joint Agreement-X
Joint Decision Making-X
Common Goals-X (hers are all bout her mine were all about us)
Desire for it to work-X (I tried for 10 months to accommodate, change, work on issues, acknowledge my own shortcomings, she faked it until she got through her competition, trip and was self sufficient enough to move out)
So yeah, .5/12 at best....
The new thing is to come home in the middle of my work day, drop something about the move out on me, when I respond with OK or practical next steps of what needs to be done she explodes and blames me for ruining HER work day. Mind you she is also complaining to ME about how hard this is on HER... Hmmmm You had a guy willing to do anything to work on things and you chose to move out and this is hard on you??? Only that you are giving up a beautiful house and 2 dogs!
What about the guy who went through 4 operations, supported himself, provided for the house, then supported her through her BPD diagnosis, stuck with her through everything, watched her do her competition, go to Hawaii, call me to tell me she doesn't want to come home then get her own place... Kind of hard on me too but like everything else in the marriage, all about her.
Signed
TheStupidGoose
Nothing else to say really. Going to a new IC today to figure out why my self esteem was so low I allowed this to happen to myself and repeatedly made someone else a priority when they always treated me as an option...
It's funny, I did a self score of the things I wanted in a marriage. We got a .5/12
Love- Meh, maybe she loves the life I provide I will give that a .5
Trust-X
Honesty-X
Empathy-X
Compassion-X
Communication-X
Respect-X
Partnership-X
Joint Agreement-X
Joint Decision Making-X
Common Goals-X (hers are all bout her mine were all about us)
Desire for it to work-X (I tried for 10 months to accommodate, change, work on issues, acknowledge my own shortcomings, she faked it until she got through her competition, trip and was self sufficient enough to move out)
So yeah, .5/12 at best....
The new thing is to come home in the middle of my work day, drop something about the move out on me, when I respond with OK or practical next steps of what needs to be done she explodes and blames me for ruining HER work day. Mind you she is also complaining to ME about how hard this is on HER... Hmmmm You had a guy willing to do anything to work on things and you chose to move out and this is hard on you??? Only that you are giving up a beautiful house and 2 dogs!
What about the guy who went through 4 operations, supported himself, provided for the house, then supported her through her BPD diagnosis, stuck with her through everything, watched her do her competition, go to Hawaii, call me to tell me she doesn't want to come home then get her own place... Kind of hard on me too but like everything else in the marriage, all about her.
Signed
TheStupidGoose
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12,070 Posts
She's upset you aren't pick me dancing. You already know she has terrible self esteem and needs constant attention from everyone.
Grey rocking someone like her is one of the worst things you can do to her. It tells her she's unimportant, which she is.
She's the type that wants to be in a room surrounded by men fawning over her and no women to compete with. Probably "gets along better with men".
Keep it up....let her get her pathetic ego stroked somewhat else. This **** show is going to get worse the older she gets.
Grey rocking someone like her is one of the worst things you can do to her. It tells her she's unimportant, which she is.
She's the type that wants to be in a room surrounded by men fawning over her and no women to compete with. Probably "gets along better with men".
Keep it up....let her get her pathetic ego stroked somewhat else. This **** show is going to get worse the older she gets.
Goose, at least you are moving forward and will be done with her soon. Implement the 180, and just don’t respond to her blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. Hang in there.
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10,382 Posts
Nobody in their right mind would want a marriage to a person with BPD.
Your wife is just un-wifable.
Don’t be the doormat that stays with such a woman. Be the man that dumped the bad spouse and moved on to a happy life.
Your wife is just un-wifable.
Don’t be the doormat that stays with such a woman. Be the man that dumped the bad spouse and moved on to a happy life.
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3,066 Posts
Why, I mean why are you engaging her on anything? dude, you need to learn to be strong enough to gray rock the **** out her. STOP engaging her. Do not talk to her. Pretend that she's not there. Momentarily go to another room and close the doors if that's what you need to do, but ghost her. Communication between you two should be through your lawyer. That's it.
I just can't understand why some normal people can't have the control to stop letting their emotions have the best of them to their own detriment. You need to learn to be able to make correct decisions in the moment as the situations happen. decisions that will not affect you adversely, like engaging her, and letting her behavior get the best of you.
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24 Posts
I am trying. My only responses now are typically, OK, I agree, I agree to disagree or thank you.... I really am making an effort
BUT
Trust me I wish I understood it too. In my daily life I'm a pretty successful guy capable of making critical real time decisions. I mean I'm able to keep a race car on the track in some of the most stressful situations you can subject yourself to and continuously focus forward on the task at hand but then to your point in my romantic life I allow my emotions to get the better of me to my own detriment...
All I can say is I am very conscious of it, trying to stay in front of it and I did tell her yesterday "No communication during work hours period" and walked away with no more contact to which she responded with a scream of rage which also confirmed that whether I respond or not her response is the same...
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8,892 Posts
@bluegoose, you're beating yourself up too much. It's not your fault that she deceived you. You are now dealing with it appropriately. Less than 2 weeks and she'll be out of your hair.
I thought she had a job. Why is she there during the work day?
I thought she had a job. Why is she there during the work day?
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3,066 Posts
My point exactly!!! Therefore, you know beforehand the outcome; which should tell you that either way is better for you to just ignore her completely. This way you don't have to aggravate yourself in needless monosyllables responses. Let her yell and scream all she wants. You just go nonchalant about your own business.
The thing with icing someone is that sooner rather than later they get the point and just leave you alone (of course, you'd need to account for the bat out of hell loonies exceptions).
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24 Posts
Wow.... "She's the type that wants to be in a room surrounded by men fawning over her and no women to compete with. Probably "gets along better with men"."
THIS^^^^^^^^
Zero "TRUE" girlfriends. I mean none that have a longevity beyond a couple of years...
Unfortunately beating my self up is something I am really good at. Saw a new IC yesterday and was very blunt I obviously need to work on my own self-esteem to allow someone to treat me like this and accept it... Self esteem, coping skills, rumination and self confidence were all issues I called out to the IC that I need to work on for myself... I can't control this person's behavior but I can "try" to control my own!!
Spot on!!! Trying to go as close to zero contact as possible considering we are under the same roof for 10 more days... I'd prefer to go to a hotel in total honesty I don't want to be around her at all anymore, she is still pushing her BS agenda this is a good thing for her to find her happiness, my agenda is the moment you walk out the door you are out of my life but I also don't want to leave my own house and give her any opportunities to pull something shady...
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12,070 Posts
She can find her own happiness as an easy hit for lots of men without you bankrolling it or being a backup plan. If you wanted to be a **** you could tell her that you agree and are looking forward to exploring other women and your own happiness.
But ignoring her and treating her like she's unimportant is probably better.
FYI. there is no happiness for a middle aged woman with her level of insecurity. Her youth is gone and no amount of attention will be enough. I know someone who's pushing 60 and still sniffing for attention and she doesn't even look very good. They mentality typically doesn't change.
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10,382 Posts
You’re still hoping she changes her mind and stays. I hope you can let go of this hope. As long as you think there is so hope, you’re going to keep hurting.
You should be thankful she’s such a wretch that she’s leaving on her own and helping you to get rid of her.
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12,070 Posts
It doesn't even matter if there is hope.
He's still going to have an insanely insecure attention ***** who's going to keep getting worse with her need for attention as she ages. Women like this think getting a dude to **** them means they're hugely desirable. She's poor partner material.
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