[bluegoose]

So I am sitting here heartbroken and in a complete fog... My wife and I have been together for just over 5 years, married for almost 3. I was 45 when we married, always said I would be eternally single but something was different about her.... So we married and I put 110% of everything I had into this relationship. She has had to put up with my health issues however she knew about them going in, I tend to be pretty resilient and despite my challenges I am still the sole provider and we have never had a financial challenge as a result of my health. The times I had surgery this year I actually brought in a nurse (despite not needing one) to take the load off my wife and allow her to go about her days as normal as possible. In other words, even in my darkest moments I am always thinking about her first. She in return almost never even considers me... It's like basic empathy, respect and compassion were not things she was able to give me.

Now I am not an angel either, I can be moody at times, have a high stress job, don't deal with being hurt well, I can emotionally shut down but I was also given good reason to (part of why the marriage has failed) but at my core I try to be an empathetic person who has supported her and encouraged her for 4 years in making a career transition to follow her dreams. I've built us a home, taken care of EVERYTHING financially, never complained about it and I "thought" things were ok. I acknowledge my faults and if she tells me something I am doing is impacting her I listen and try to address it. Most of the time she does not have to say anything as I am so uber critical of myself I will recognize if my tone was off or I was doing something wrong. I have never belittled, demeaned, nothing but I have called her out on her behavior which she turns into me "criticizing her" but she does not acknowledge ANYTHING on her own so if I do not say something then she gets away with the behavior which includes lying, deceiving, spending money that should be going to the marriage, knowingly crossing boundaries, name calling, unilateral decision making and overall lack of respect...

Then came 9 months ago. She came home and told me she was doing a bikini competition and also taking a trip to Hawaii without any discussion. Mind you she was supposed to be contributing to the marriage every month and despite never honoring that commitment spent thousands on her competition and trip. She was also diagnosed BPD in June and I went through the rage phase with her, the despising me phase, the discarding me phase and then the love bomb phase when I finally said enough.

So for the past few months she gave me the future fake, sex increased, she was affectionate but I always wondered if she was just trying to get to her end goal of her competition and trip then do her own thing. Again, I was not an angel with either of these events and I made it very clear I did not agree with what she was doing. Probably more than I should have but at the end of the day I acknowledge it is not my place to force her into anything. I ultimately told her if she cancelled either of those things she would resent me anyway. I ended up going to the competition to "try" to support her as best I could. Bottom line, I showed up, put myself on the back burner and let the day be about her. (Her mother did not and told her what she thought of her behavior and her mom is now an asshole. Prior to that her Step Mom was the asshole when I flew them in from Hawaii to support her and her step mom called out her behavior.
Two days after the competition came her 10 day trip to Hawaii that she told me about AFTER it was booked. Mind you I am the one with the medical challenges, supporting her and supporting us financially. I would have loved 10 days in Hawaii but wasn't invited.

The moment she got on the plane I was emotionally discarded. No calls for 6 days, some random texts but no concern for myself, the dogs, the house, anything which makes sense as on day 7 she did call to tell me she had been unhappy for "much longer" than 9 months. Again, no concern for me just a diatribe of how much better life is in Hawaii and how she was dreading coming home. So I told her not to if that was best for her mental health. At this point it is best for mine as well. Low and behold she DID come home (for her new job) but immediately started hinting at her own place and that "she didn't know" what she wanted.

Really? You didn't miss me, you've been unhappy, you came home to tell me you want your own place to be happy but you don't know what you want? Well yesterday she came into my office in the middle of the day (home office) and presented me with potential apartments. Today I told her if she was so unsure that she owes it to both of us to leave. It's not what I want but I feel like it is the hand I was dealt. She went and put down a deposit on a place, didn't even fight it. (my money LOL) Now we are under the same roof until she is finally out and it is destroying me emotionally. I am a shell of myself but doing everything in my power to just stay composed. How do people do it?

Now after ALL of this and much more she has done to me, social media swipes that are clearly at me but well guised, taking pictures of herself in our bedroom while I'm downstairs cleaning, it's obvious this person has ZERO respect for me. She has also called me crazy, irrational, insecure, usually while throwing a tantrum or fit that are also my fault apparently because only one of us takes responsibility for our own reactions.

So why am I so heartbroken??? Why am I questioning begging her to give it another chance? How the F did I even get here???

At this point I am ruminating. It's all over my thoughts, I've lost weight, not sleeping but all I can say to her is I support whatever you need to do for yourself. I can't force someone to love me anymore than I could force them to give up a competition or a trip.
I'm just lost and hurting but trying to keep my composure and not react to anything...

 

[Cynthia]

Is your name on the lease for her new apartment?

 

[Dormatte]

So I am sitting here heartbroken and in a complete fog... My wife and I have been together for just over 5 years, married for almost 3. I was 45 when we married, always said I would be eternally single but something was different about her.... So we married and I put 110% of everything I had into this relationship. She has had to put up with my health issues however she knew about them going in, I tend to be pretty resilient and despite my challenges I am still the sole provider and we have never had a financial challenge as a result of my health. The times I had surgery this year I actually brought in a nurse (despite not needing one) to take the load off my wife and allow her to go about her days as normal as possible. In other words, even in my darkest moments I am always thinking about her first. She in return almost never even considers me... It's like basic empathy, respect and compassion were not things she was able to give me.

Now I am not an angel either, I can be moody at times, have a high stress job, don't deal with being hurt well, I can emotionally shut down but I was also given good reason to (part of why the marriage has failed) but at my core I try to be an empathetic person who has supported her and encouraged her for 4 years in making a career transition to follow her dreams. I've built us a home, taken care of EVERYTHING financially, never complained about it and I "thought" things were ok. I acknowledge my faults and if she tells me something I am doing is impacting her I listen and try to address it. Most of the time she does not have to say anything as I am so uber critical of myself I will recognize if my tone was off or I was doing something wrong. I have never belittled, demeaned, nothing but I have called her out on her behavior which she turns into me "criticizing her" but she does not acknowledge ANYTHING on her own so if I do not say something then she gets away with the behavior which includes lying, deceiving, spending money that should be going to the marriage, knowingly crossing boundaries, name calling, unilateral decision making and overall lack of respect...

Then came 9 months ago. She came home and told me she was doing a bikini competition and also taking a trip to Hawaii without any discussion. Mind you she was supposed to be contributing to the marriage every month and despite never honoring that commitment spent thousands on her competition and trip. She was also diagnosed BPD in June and I went through the rage phase with her, the despising me phase, the discarding me phase and then the love bomb phase when I finally said enough.

So for the past few months she gave me the future fake, sex increased, she was affectionate but I always wondered if she was just trying to get to her end goal of her competition and trip then do her own thing. Again, I was not an angel with either of these events and I made it very clear I did not agree with what she was doing. Probably more than I should have but at the end of the day I acknowledge it is not my place to force her into anything. I ultimately told her if she cancelled either of those things she would resent me anyway. I ended up going to the competition to "try" to support her as best I could. Bottom line, I showed up, put myself on the back burner and let the day be about her. (Her mother did not and told her what she thought of her behavior and her mom is now an asshole. Prior to that her Step Mom was the asshole when I flew them in from Hawaii to support her and her step mom called out her behavior.
Two days after the competition came her 10 day trip to Hawaii that she told me about AFTER it was booked. Mind you I am the one with the medical challenges, supporting her and supporting us financially. I would have loved 10 days in Hawaii but wasn't invited.

The moment she got on the plane I was emotionally discarded. No calls for 6 days, some random texts but no concern for myself, the dogs, the house, anything which makes sense as on day 7 she did call to tell me she had been unhappy for "much longer" than 9 months. Again, no concern for me just a diatribe of how much better life is in Hawaii and how she was dreading coming home. So I told her not to if that was best for her mental health. At this point it is best for mine as well. Low and behold she DID come home (for her new job) but immediately started hinting at her own place and that "she didn't know" what she wanted.

Really? You didn't miss me, you've been unhappy, you came home to tell me you want your own place to be happy but you don't know what you want? Well yesterday she came into my office in the middle of the day (home office) and presented me with potential apartments. Today I told her if she was so unsure that she owes it to both of us to leave. It's not what I want but I feel like it is the hand I was dealt. She went and put down a deposit on a place, didn't even fight it. (my money LOL) Now we are under the same roof until she is finally out and it is destroying me emotionally. I am a shell of myself but doing everything in my power to just stay composed. How do people do it?

Now after ALL of this and much more she has done to me, social media swipes that are clearly at me but well guised, taking pictures of herself in our bedroom while I'm downstairs cleaning, it's obvious this person has ZERO respect for me. She has also called me crazy, irrational, insecure, usually while throwing a tantrum or fit that are also my fault apparently because only one of us takes responsibility for our own reactions.

So why am I so heartbroken??? Why am I questioning begging her to give it another chance? How the F did I even get here???

At this point I am ruminating. It's all over my thoughts, I've lost weight, not sleeping but all I can say to her is I support whatever you need to do for yourself. I can't force someone to love me anymore than I could force them to give up a competition or a trip.
I'm just lost and hurting but trying to keep my composure and not react to anything...

You got "there" by intentionally marrying someone who never contributed to the relationship, and has expected you to take care of her. Someone who has always shown you that you're not important to her. Someone who never invested in the relationship or you.

Someone you ultimately let off the hook countless times. Someone who is manipulative...and "faking" things to keep you there and at bey.

She has never shown nor proved to you that she was worthy of being with you.

You secondly arrived "here" by not knowing how to love, honor, cherish, and respect yourself..not knowing your true worth.....also perhaps longing for companionship..


You "firstly" arrived here when perhaps in childhood your parent(s), guardian(s), the adults around normalized self "sacrificial" self "sabotaging" behaviors to you..


It doesn't have to "end" "here"..

You can have a fresh "new" beginning and awakening....
..with someone who actually cares, contributes, and loves you genuinely..(if you chose to date again ..after becoming healthier)
You just have to put in the work, effort, and time into bettering and improving life and yourself...

You can lawyer up, divorce, and remove her from your life permanently.

Get into individual therapy and disclose everything that happened to get you to this point, so you can have the knowledge and tools to begin the journey of loving and respecting yourself....

You have to fight for yourself..

Wouldn't it be better to die trying to make things better, than to die stagnant in misery and unhappiness?? I think so..but you may not feel this way.


Or stay, do nothing, and chose "this" as your ending.

 

[lifeistooshort]

So I notice you mention your age but not hers.

Can we assume she's a lot younger and you financed her?

 

[Benbutton]

So why am I so heartbroken??? Why am I questioning begging her to give it another chance? How the F did I even get here???

When things are good with a borderline, they are REALLY good and fun, when things are bad, they are REALLY bad and that's how you are here.

 

[Julie's Husband]

That sucks. I intentionally put off getting married and let my wife to be go through some of that stuff and find herself. THAT sucked enough, but she settled. Doing that in the middle of a marriage would be too much.

May I ask what your health problems are? Does that play a part?

 

[Openminded]

Sorry, but she played you. Count your blessings it’s over with no worse damage than it is and move on.

 

[DamianDamian]

Bikini contest? She's a gold digger. You have low self esteem and you married an attention-seeking, dishonest, cluster B personality and she has sucked you in. Look at her actions, not her words, stop thinking with your penis and get divorced.
If you believe all you have to contribute is money, and show off your money during the courting phase, chances are you'll get a gold digger or someone with questionable morals.

 

[Evinrude58]

Not much to say…… she’s younger than you and goes to bikini contests and to Hawaii for 10 days on your dime, comes home and moves out…. You asked for this. Sadly, you knew all along who and what she was and will continue to allow her to manipulate you.
Don’t tell me you were stupid to marry her with no prenup. Please.

 

[Rob_1]

So why am I so heartbroken???

Because, you bought her, convincing yourself that she was in love with you.
Meanwhile, right in front of you she was using you, and you in your pathetic low self-respect and little dignity kept loving her convincing yourself that it was all about love and your mood swings.

Dude grasp your balls and stop being a pathetic wuss and kick her to the curb. Cut her off monetary. She wants out, why are you being so ridiculously a simp by still financing her? Do you realize that there is some dude that is going to be warming her bed at night in that apartment pay by you. Do you realize that? Are you that much of a simp?

 

[SunCMars]

...

 

[gameopoly5]

So I am sitting here heartbroken and in a complete fog... My wife and I have been together for just over 5 years, married for almost 3. I was 45 when we married, always said I would be eternally single but something was different about her.... So we married and I put 110% of everything I had into this relationship. She has had to put up with my health issues however she knew about them going in, I tend to be pretty resilient and despite my challenges I am still the sole provider and we have never had a financial challenge as a result of my health. The times I had surgery this year I actually brought in a nurse (despite not needing one) to take the load off my wife and allow her to go about her days as normal as possible. In other words, even in my darkest moments I am always thinking about her first. She in return almost never even considers me... It's like basic empathy, respect and compassion were not things she was able to give me.

Now I am not an angel either, I can be moody at times, have a high stress job, don't deal with being hurt well, I can emotionally shut down but I was also given good reason to (part of why the marriage has failed) but at my core I try to be an empathetic person who has supported her and encouraged her for 4 years in making a career transition to follow her dreams. I've built us a home, taken care of EVERYTHING financially, never complained about it and I "thought" things were ok. I acknowledge my faults and if she tells me something I am doing is impacting her I listen and try to address it. Most of the time she does not have to say anything as I am so uber critical of myself I will recognize if my tone was off or I was doing something wrong. I have never belittled, demeaned, nothing but I have called her out on her behavior which she turns into me "criticizing her" but she does not acknowledge ANYTHING on her own so if I do not say something then she gets away with the behavior which includes lying, deceiving, spending money that should be going to the marriage, knowingly crossing boundaries, name calling, unilateral decision making and overall lack of respect...

Then came 9 months ago. She came home and told me she was doing a bikini competition and also taking a trip to Hawaii without any discussion. Mind you she was supposed to be contributing to the marriage every month and despite never honoring that commitment spent thousands on her competition and trip. She was also diagnosed BPD in June and I went through the rage phase with her, the despising me phase, the discarding me phase and then the love bomb phase when I finally said enough.

So for the past few months she gave me the future fake, sex increased, she was affectionate but I always wondered if she was just trying to get to her end goal of her competition and trip then do her own thing. Again, I was not an angel with either of these events and I made it very clear I did not agree with what she was doing. Probably more than I should have but at the end of the day I acknowledge it is not my place to force her into anything. I ultimately told her if she cancelled either of those things she would resent me anyway. I ended up going to the competition to "try" to support her as best I could. Bottom line, I showed up, put myself on the back burner and let the day be about her. (Her mother did not and told her what she thought of her behavior and her mom is now an asshole. Prior to that her Step Mom was the asshole when I flew them in from Hawaii to support her and her step mom called out her behavior.
Two days after the competition came her 10 day trip to Hawaii that she told me about AFTER it was booked. Mind you I am the one with the medical challenges, supporting her and supporting us financially. I would have loved 10 days in Hawaii but wasn't invited.

The moment she got on the plane I was emotionally discarded. No calls for 6 days, some random texts but no concern for myself, the dogs, the house, anything which makes sense as on day 7 she did call to tell me she had been unhappy for "much longer" than 9 months. Again, no concern for me just a diatribe of how much better life is in Hawaii and how she was dreading coming home. So I told her not to if that was best for her mental health. At this point it is best for mine as well. Low and behold she DID come home (for her new job) but immediately started hinting at her own place and that "she didn't know" what she wanted.

Really? You didn't miss me, you've been unhappy, you came home to tell me you want your own place to be happy but you don't know what you want? Well yesterday she came into my office in the middle of the day (home office) and presented me with potential apartments. Today I told her if she was so unsure that she owes it to both of us to leave. It's not what I want but I feel like it is the hand I was dealt. She went and put down a deposit on a place, didn't even fight it. (my money LOL) Now we are under the same roof until she is finally out and it is destroying me emotionally. I am a shell of myself but doing everything in my power to just stay composed. How do people do it?

Now after ALL of this and much more she has done to me, social media swipes that are clearly at me but well guised, taking pictures of herself in our bedroom while I'm downstairs cleaning, it's obvious this person has ZERO respect for me. She has also called me crazy, irrational, insecure, usually while throwing a tantrum or fit that are also my fault apparently because only one of us takes responsibility for our own reactions.

So why am I so heartbroken??? Why am I questioning begging her to give it another chance? How the F did I even get here???

At this point I am ruminating. It's all over my thoughts, I've lost weight, not sleeping but all I can say to her is I support whatever you need to do for yourself. I can't force someone to love me anymore than I could force them to give up a competition or a trip.
I'm just lost and hurting but trying to keep my composure and not react to anything...

What kind of bikini shoot did your wife go? Was this modelling agency, for a magazine or some dubious outfit?
There is no way I`d let my wife do a bikini shoot without me being there and no way would I let her go to Hawaii without first discussing it with me.
Your wife has left you and you`re financing a place for her to live.
This is why your wife is not respected you, she`s treating you like crap and you`re allowing her to do it.
Do not pay anything towards your wife`s apartment and if she still moves hire a lawyer explain your wife has left you and file for divorce.

 

[Exit37]

OP, you married a trophy wife and now you are upset that she did what trophy wives do? The good news is you have not been married long, hopefully you have a prenup in place but even if not you need to get a good lawyer and get out of this relationship asap. She has shows you who she really is. Open a new checking account and start putting your paycheck there. Close all joint credit cards asap. Get the lawyer working on the D, and make better decisions next time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Mr.Married]

Sugaring isn’t the same as loving.

 

[Laurentium]

but something was different about her .... She was also diagnosed BPD in June

I'm sorry to hear that. How did she come to be diagnosed? How has she taken the diagnosis? Does she accept it?

Now we are under the same roof until she is finally out and it is destroying me emotionally. I am a shell of myself but doing everything in my power to just stay composed. How do people do it?

Minimise contact.

 

[bluegoose]

Is your name on the lease for her new apartment?

Only in that we share our married name but I am not signing for anything or putting my name on the application, this is all her....

^^^

I can't argue with anything you said sadly. I can take it on the chin and accept it as hard as it is... This was not the plan, we married with an agreement of mutual contribution financially and she never honored it. To your point I was to much of a sap to call her on it.
Everything you said is correct, from childhood (which I have spent 25 years addressing) to my acceptance of her actions. I can't blame anyone but myself for the situation I am in.

So I notice you mention your age but not hers.

Can we assume she's a lot younger and you financed her?

Sadly, Although her behavior is much like that of a teen or young adult she is 45 years old!! She had a job and was self sufficient prior to our marriage. At some point she realized she wanted to take a different path in her career and I supported her following her dream. When she finally had money again she spent it ALL on herself...

That sucks. I intentionally put off getting married and let my wife to be go through some of that stuff and find herself. THAT sucked enough, but she settled. Doing that in the middle of a marriage would be too much.

May I ask what your health problems are? Does that play a part?

I think it played a part on her mentally but most of them are ortho issues. Cervical fusion, lumbar fusion and lots of GI issues. However, if you didn't know me you would never know. Still drive a race car, go to the gym, do everything around the house, take care of us financially, I go out of my way to show my resilience and overcome the challenges I've had thrown at me. Unfortunately all of that resilience seems to have fled the scene at the moment....

Sorry, but she played you. Count your blessings it’s over with no worse damage than it is and move on.

Yes she did and I allowed it every step of the way... I still don't know the full damage to be blunt. As someone else rightly pointed out I was STUPID enough to do this without a prenup. My only saving grace is her entire family has seen what I have done for her, the emotional and financial support, they all seem to genuinely care about me and I do not think they would encourage her to take me to the cleaners but that option is certainly on the table...

 

[bluegoose]

Bikini contest? She's a gold digger. You have low self esteem and you married an attention-seeking, dishonest, cluster B personality and she has sucked you in. Look at her actions, not her words, stop thinking with your penis and get divorced.
If you believe all you have to contribute is money, and show off your money during the courting phase, chances are you'll get a gold digger or someone with questionable morals.

I can't argue. I know I have a LOT more to offer than money trust me. In this case I allowed her to take everything, the emotional support, the financial support, the love, everything I had to give I allowed her to take for granted...

Not much to say…… she’s younger than you and goes to bikini contests and to Hawaii for 10 days on your dime, comes home and moves out…. You asked for this. Sadly, you knew all along who and what she was and will continue to allow her to manipulate you.
Don’t tell me you were stupid to marry her with no prenup. Please.

I was. I am indeed THAT stupid.

Because, you bought her, convincing yourself that she was in love with you.
Meanwhile, right in front of you she was using you, and you in your pathetic low self-respect and little dignity kept loving her convincing yourself that it was all about love and your mood swings.

Dude grasp your balls and stop being a pathetic wuss and kick her to the curb. Cut her off monetary. She wants out, why are you being so ridiculously a simp by still financing her? Do you realize that there is some dude that is going to be warming her bed at night in that apartment pay by you. Do you realize that? Are you that much of a simp?

I know and not going to argue with what you said. It's how I feel right now to be honest but the game of letting this happen amicably is better than having the Police here again because she went into a rage. Hence the bending over backwards to accommodate right now because ultimately I think it is the best way to get out as painlessly as possible. I fear if it gets ugly with her it will get VERY ugly...

I'm sorry to hear that. How did she come to be diagnosed? How has she taken the diagnosis? Does she accept it?

Minimise contact.

She had a full on breakdown in June. That was as she was despising me but as I viewed her mental illness no differently than my physical illness and as I amrried to support in good times and bad I stayed and took it in an effort to help her be well again. Now it appears what she needs to be well is to be away from me.
I am trying... I am trying Grey Rock, non-reactive responses. It is just so hard when there is SO much I want to say but at this point it would only add fuel to the fire and backdraft catching me alight in the process. So saying nothing is best.

 

[lifeistooshort]

Only in that we share our married name but I am not signing for anything or putting my name on the application, this is all her....


Sadly, Although her behavior is much like that of a teen or young adult she is 45 years old!! She had a job and was self sufficient prior to our marriage. At some point she realized she wanted to take a different path in her career and I supported her following her dream. When she finally had money again she spent it ALL on herself...

I think it played a part on her mentally but most of them are ortho issues. Cervical fusion, lumbar fusion and lots of GI issues. However, if you didn't know me you would never know. Still drive a race car, go to the gym, do everything around the house, take care of us financially, I go out of my way to show my resilience and overcome the challenges I've had thrown at me. Unfortunately all of that resilience seems to have fled the scene at the moment....

Yes she did and I allowed it every step of the way... I still don't know the full damage to be blunt. As someone else rightly pointed out I was STUPID enough to do this without a prenup. My only saving grace is her entire family has seen what I have done for her, the emotional and financial support, they all seem to genuinely care about me and I do not think they would encourage her to take me to the cleaners but that option is certainly on the table...

Damn, I stand corrected! A 45 year old woman who feels the need to enter bikini competitions is likely having a lot of trouble getting older and is in extended midlife crisis. I can think of one woman in particular in my running community that's like this.....in her 40's and running around getting drunk with college students.

Such a woman is extremely poor partner material. Cut your losses and cut her loose.

 

[bluegoose]

Damn, I stand corrected! A 45 year old woman who feels the need to enter bikini competitions is likely having a lot of trouble getting older and is in extended midlife crisis. I can think of one woman in particular in my running community that's like this.....in her 40's and running around getting drunk with college students.

Such a woman is extremely poor partner material. Cut your losses and cut her loose.

Yes, she seems to have an excessive need for external validation. EVERYTHING has to be on social media but ironically you would think she was single if you followed her. The only thing she doesn't post is about me unless it is a backhanded dig. But she NEEDS that social media validation which is what led to her running up to our bedroom while I was downstairs cleaning the house that I pay for to take photos of herself in heels and a bikini and post them to social media...
The insecurity is evident to everyone but her or she knows but refuses to acknowledge and work on it. Definitely NOT the behavior of a 45 year old woman. This is teen/young adult behavior.

 

[ccpowerslave]

Did she win the contest?