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She says it's over, I don't want to give up.

4K views 36 replies 21 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help.

For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?
 
#3 ·
i dont have any advice for you, but just wanted to say that i wish my WH would have "woken up" to realize he loved me.

i pray for it daily, but nothing seems to change.
dont kill yourself over it, you cant make her care or love you. just make sure you put yourself first.

cuz no one else will.

(((huggs)))
 
#29 ·
Or maybe she knew he didn't love her and after waiting for two and a half years, decided she deserved better.

It isn't always adultery.

Could be she HAS found someone else she likes...but is doing things the proper way: divorce THEN hook up.

Actions, not words, OP.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for all the quick advice. I don't believe she is in love with anyone, but that doesn't mean there isn't a ER PR that she is having with someone else. If there is, I wouldn't be mad at her because of what I put her through. So in the end you guys/gals are right. I need to continue improving myself and put myself first for once. And while I will still hold out hope I can show her I am the man she once loved. If not, time eases all pain.
 
#8 ·
@setinmyways - I would be mad at the person she was with not her because my BS drove her there. And no matter what I will not go down with out fighting for her. Because I'm not changing for her but because of her, she made me a better person. I just hope I can prove that to her.
 
#12 ·
I just think it's too late.
It is. 2.5 years, no kids. It sucks, but now you know how to treat your next wife.

I will say it for the 1,000th time: Two days of pre-marriage counseling and it was all group hugs and "it'll get tough, but hang in there".

CHANGE THAT: "Kids, there is a crisis in this country and NOBODY is talking about it. Take a good look at that blushing bride of yours that is in a different room getting the female equivalent of this talk. There is a MASSIVE chance that she will start falling out of love with you and you WILL NOT KNOW IT. Unfortunately, research also discovered that they don't tell you until it's too late".

The spend the rest of the two days is spent on how to discover it, prevent it, deal with it. I don't know how. I'm not one of the experts (that have been ignoring this epidemic for 200 years). I'm just one of the fools that got blindsided by it.

But I'm 50. I'm old. 3 kids. I'm trapped in this misery with no present and an uncertain future. And I'll spare you about what this revelation did to what I thought was a happy 20 years of PAST!

I actually envy you.
 
#14 ·
I think there is hope for you.

But remember hope is not a plan.

You are right, words without actions don't work anymore for you.

First book a counseling appointment. Read all the suggested books you will see on here on building a healthy marriage. Read as many threads as possible on this forum.

If she is moving out, let her go gracefully telling her you are making it your #1 priority to improve yourself & to win her back & this is important.....IF SHE CHOOSES.

Good luck.
 
#15 ·
Raines, right now I feel Like I'm in the same position as your wife.
I'm about ready to give up trying. The only difference being that on the whole our marriage was a very happy one with just a few blips.
It's only the last few years that have been unhappy and bloody hard work. I still love my husband and all I've ever wanted was for him to put me and our kids first. To treat me as he used to.

Actions speak volumes, tell her your sorry and your going to change- then do it! Don't try to fill her with BS just put all your effort into being a better person for you and for her.
I hope you can turn things around and make amends, if you can't save your marriage at least make the seperation easier on both of you.
Learn from the mistakes you've both made and try not to repeat them. All we ever want is to be happy, loved and safe. It's not much to ask. I wish you luck.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Honestly I don't think she is going to give me one more chance. Which she shouldn't, I slowly pushed her away and then after it was too late I did everything you are not suppose to do. I smothered, was clingy, and tried too hard. No woman wants that in her man, I was just so desperate to make it work I was willing to do anything. If I do bring our relationship up it just makes her mad and she leaves, because that was one of the problems. I would always bring stupid stuff up and never fix anything.

Like another poster said, the problem with too late is that it's too late. So this morning after my first solo skydiving jump I realized that I'm going to keep improving myself. And although I wish it wasn't too late for this marriage at some point you have to decide to turn move on. I'll keep a glimmer of that hope in the back of my mind, but I won't let it control me. I'll let her go. Because in the end she deserved more than I could ever give her.
 
#20 ·
@Naga75 - Yea that's something that she got me into awhile ago with a tandem and then I planned on getting my license, just never did of course. But I still love it, the feeling you get is something else completely. And you will meet so many great people that makes it all worth it.
 
#21 ·
@curlyred - I'm going to take your advice. Tonight before she goes to sleep I'm going to tell her I'm sorry and that if there is anything I can do to work this out. It's just over the last couple of days after she told me she was done, I truly believe she is. But after everyone's suggestions I feel I have to know. Because she means too much to me to give up without a fight. I'm still deciding on what to say to her though, but I have to tell her that I'm going to prove it to her this time. And if she says no then I will let her go, because she does deserve so much more than I have given her. I just think too much has happened for us to start over. I hope I'm wrong on this but I really doubt it. In the end I will always care for her, but if she is moving on then so will I. I just wish this happened a little while sooner so I would never have realized how much I love her still. Even right now as she sits quietly across from me I find myself stealing glances because of how beautiful she is.

Time heals all wounds though.
 
#22 ·
raines, what did you do that was so heinous that your wife cannot get over it? I realize that she gave you some chances, but what did you do? Maybe you were not nearly as bad as you thought or maybe it really is pretty bad. Then again, maybe your wife is no walk in the park either and she has unrealistic views on marriage. If you tell us more about you and your marriage, maybe you'll get more help from others who may have been in the exact same situation as you are currently in. Worth a shot.
 
#23 ·
Umm...yea odds are 10 to 1 that there is someone else in the picture.

Only then do people have the courage to leave even the most abusive relationships (because there is a plan B) or make their partner take all the blame for the relationship's shortcomings.

I'm sure you didn't contribute to ALL the problems as much as you'd like to believe.
 
#25 ·
I talked to her last night after debating about everything and told her that I wasn't going to beg for another chance, that I didn't want to stay together and work on our relationship just because we have a house together. And if there was any chance that we could be as happy as we once were she should let me prove to her that things WILL be different this time unlike all the other times. She gave me the last chance that I wanted, and while it might not work out at least this time I know I will give it my all and if it still doesn't work I won't have any regrets.

Someone asked what exactly I did. It's a long list of mostly saying I'm going to do something only to never do it. And with each time I couldn't see that she cared a little less. I did this with everything, which would make her sad and then I wouldn't be there to cheer her up. In the end I let us lose that ER which resulted in losing the PR. And from there it was bound to happen. The tipping point being this Friday when I went to a party with her and I was getting enough from her so I decided to go overboard, get drunk, try riding home, and then having the final blowup at home.

So now each day I promised to prove to her that I can be better. That I can show her what I have to offer her. She doesn't believe that she can make me happy, but with out her right now I don't see happiness ahead. Now while we all have our faults, I look to better myself because of her, not just for her. But all that matters to me is that I give this relationship everything I can, and if it doesn't work out at least we can part on good terms, possibly be friends, and with no regrets.
 
#27 · (Edited)
@dallasapple - It's hard to explain but it's not that I didn't love her the whole time. I recently turned 30 and woke up one day and didn't like the person I had been. I was wasting my life doing nothing with it. I had no passions and no interests. There was no excitement with brought me into depression. At that point was when I decided I needed to do more with my life, to try to find something that I can be passionate about. Something that makes me want to try even more things. So I started working out again and trying everything I could. While I found I love learning to play piano and skydive there was still something missing. I had no one to share it with. I was ready to leave her. Got the paperwork and everything and then slowly I started to see her again. We sit across from each other while we work and a little each day I started to see her again. Then I started reading our old messages and looking through our pictures remembering how amazing it was once. I saw the woman I married before me, the woman that I still love and that hopefully I haven't done enough to drive a permanent wedge between us. As long as there is hope I will not try, but do!
 
#30 ·
Figured I would update. Things have been going good the past few weeks in most areas. I've become the perfect husband as well as the man I always wanted to be. I don't know how to explain it but for once I know this is the time. I won't revert back to my old ways. I can't, I don't like who that person is. I love the person I have become.

Were still together and trying to work things out. Mostly me just proving to her each day that I am better than the man she married. Doing everything I always said I would. I no longer put stuff off until "later", which usually never came HeHe.

While the distance between us is still there as well as no sex life I think both of those will change with time. Hopefully after seeing the man I've become she will come to love me again. If not, I will let her go so that we won't be wasting each others time any longer.

While part of me wants to leave now, the sane part, the other part of me that loves her more than anything says to be patient. While she doesn't really give back maybe that will change. Who know, maybe I'm just some stupid idiot who fell in love with the wrong girl. Either way, this girl is worth fighting for and I will go down swinging.

If by chance we don't end up together, I know I gave it my all and the next girl I fall in love with will an amazing partner. Thanks to one girl opening an idiots eyes to what he was doing. I would thank for that. I hope everything works out in my case and I'm learning a lot about marriage and relationships. Have to make sure I don't make the same mistakes twice.
 
#31 ·
I think a marriage is just many years of falling in and out of love with the same person..it is hard work and commitment. If one person doesn't try then it doesn't work. If you have said you were going to change several times before and never made any attempt at fixing things than it may be to late..but what is it going to hurt to go to her and honestly tell her exactly what you said here? Maybe you guys could see a counselor as well?
 
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