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Hello everyone,

This might be a little long but please bear with me, but I need to get it all out and hopefully get some advice. Please note that we both still have custody of our child as no papers or anything has yet to be filed.

My (still currently) wife told me almost a week ago that she is no longer in love with me, that she loves me as a person but is not in love with me :confused:. We have been married 4 years now, it was hard to hear this as we have a daughter who just turned 3. She has decided to stay at friends or her grandparents for now with our daughter. I didn't see our daughter for almost the whole past week, I finally got to spend some time with her today but it's been hard being away from her and legally there is nothing anyone can do to prevent her from doing that :(.

We had an argument about 3 weeks ago about me not spending enough time with our daughter or her, I promised her I was going to change and I was serious about that, I began secretly planning a trip for me and her so we could get away for a little bit and just have us time, relax and get rid of a lot of stress we both have had lately.

Well she met some old friends and started talking, texting them and hanging out over at their house which I didn't mind and told her that was fine I didn't mind if she spent time with her friends because I knew she needed time for herself. Well she started spending the night over there with her friend and his wife, as well as having our daughter over there. She said that they had some kids spending the weekend and wanted our daughter to stay over there to play with them and she was going to stay just in case our daughter got scared.

Well I was fine with that as well it's our daughter and I want her to be happy as well and play and what not. Well Sunday rolls around and she comes by and tells me they are staying till tomorrow afternoon, my wife had to get up early to go to work that morning so her friend and his wife were going to watch our daughter, I said OK. Monday afternoon she comes by and tells me they are staying another night because she has to get up early again the next morning :scratchhead: I said OK and that I would like them to be home Tuesday after she got off work and she said they would be. So I waited and the afternoon started so I went to find this friends house so I could spend some time with our daughter and bring her home.

I found their house with my her vehicle parked outside, went and knocked on the door and got asked who is it and I tell them and I wait. She comes to the door and just looks at me and goes "What?" and I was just blown away by this! I said I was there to pick up our daughter and that I'd take her home while she got their stuff from spending the past 4 days or so there. She tells me "No, we'll be home in a little bit." I tell her "It's ok I can go ahead and take our daughter home so I can spend some time with her before I had to do some things that afternoon." well she starts seeming angry at me over this and repeats herself and about that time our daughter comes to the door going "Daddy daddy daddy!" excited to see me well her diaper was full (trying to get her potty trained) and this made me a little upset so I picked our daughter up and told my wife that I was going to take her home so I could change her and spend some time with her.

Well after I said that my wife just flung off the handle as I started putting our daughter in my car yelling and screaming at me that I wasn't taking her no where and all that. I was angry and upset by this point, this wasn't the woman I knew! I told her she needed to get a little more responsibility and that I was taking our daughter home where she belonged. She got even more mad saying I had no right to come and get our daughter and she was done she wanted a divorce. I thought she's just upset and will calm down but most of all I was worried about our daughter.

I drive home and she's following right behind and I take our daughter home trying to figure out what in the world is going on. We pull in to our house and I get our daughter out of my vehicle and she pulls in right behind me. I walk up the porch and try to unlock our door so I could get our daughter inside. Well she picks her up about that time and says I can't have her and that I'm trying to take our daughter away from her and that everyone else was trying to take our daughter away from her. I was lost and confused about what in the world she was talking about and she had yet to tell me ANYTHING was wrong I told her she needed to calm down, no one was trying to take our daughter from her that I brought her home to spend time with her and get her changed. Well she starts screaming for help and screaming that I'm trying to steal her daughter etc. and I tell her to calm down and stop yelling, mean while she is doing this all in front of our daughter.

I finally get her to take our daughter inside and we get our daughter changed and after I ask her what in the world is going on! She told me the time she spent over at her friends and his wife's place she had been talking to the wife, well the wife told my wife that my wife was not in love with me anymore and she believes them! I've tried to get her to talk to me in the past and she wouldn't or would get upset about it. So she continues to visit these people and they keep telling her these things and even though she says it wasn't what they said, we didn't have anywhere near this type of issue until she started going over there and hanging out.

So now I'm just trying to keep calm and give her some space. I truly don't know what's gotten into her, but I'm more worried about our daughter right now as she doesn't understand what is going on and still wants me and mommy to be there with her. I'm afraid of how all this is going to impact our daughter.

She says she still wants us to be friends and wants me to be here for our daughter. I've told her I'm more than willing to go to marriage counseling so we can try and figure our what's wrong and if there is any way to repair this or not but she doesn't want to.

Did I do wrong? I mean I understand I had my faults and I was always the first to admit them and work on fixing them, I'm not perfect and I don't think anyone can be.

Sorry this is so long, but it's a lot of stuff I've had to deal with by myself (I moved so we could be here where her family is) so I hope you understand.
 

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You guys are very obviously miscommunicating in some major ways. Either your wife isn't able to open up to you or you are not able to listen to her or both. She is behaving like someone who feels unsafe. I'm not saying you're a danger to her, just that she seems to be feeling like she isn't free to express herself and her wishes clearly with you for whatever reason.

You guys need to go see a marriage and family therapist to help you both communicate clearly about what is going on. Do this right away. The only way you're going to be able to fix things in any way is to find out what is wrong. The sooner the better.
 
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Who else frequents the friends place? Have you eliminated the possibility of someone else in the picture?
 
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Discussion Starter #4
Who else frequents the friends place? Have you eliminated the possibility of someone else in the picture?
As far as I know it's her friend, his wife and some roommate who's seeing someone already. I can't rule it out completely but it's highly unlikely. She's avoided going to her other friends houses though as I've talked to some of them and they said they had no idea this was going on that she just told them that we had an argument a couple weeks ago, mainly because when I've talked them they feel she isn't acting right and that what she has done isn't right so she goes to the only people who agree with her and "enable" all of this.

I went by there a yesterday to see how our daughter was doing and they all were there as well as the guy's wife's mother who was ALSO getting in on telling my wife what to do and what I couldn't do etc.

I don't know what else to do, I've tried getting her to go to counseling/therapy with me but she refuses by saying if I can't figure out what's wrong with her how is some stranger going to. I'm more than willing to do anything I can, if anything for the sake of our daughter.

I still feel for my wife, and I love our daughter to death so this has been hard on me and I've gone through all the stages so far of crying all day, begging her to come back etc. it's been a roller coaster of emotions.

My wife's mother divorced when my wife was a little girl and her grandparents raised her for most of her life and I'm thinking that the divorce when she was young might be something that is still effecting her and possibly making her feel unsafe/insecure. I've always tried my hardest to make sure my wife and our daughter has always had things they needed or wanted and I've always cared so much about them and they were always my #1 priority and I've been raised to always treat a woman with respect and to never lay a hand on a woman, I mean yes I've had my moments of being upset and shouting as I'm sure we all have.

I had noticed the past month or so she has been a bit more impatient with our daughter when it came to doing things with her such as brushing her hair etc. she seemed to loose her patients quickly and just get upset and just give up and I'd just say calmly that she just needed to calm down and have a little patience with our daughter as she's in that stage where everything is a challenge with her.

She also blamed me for her losing her friends when she married me and that some of her family didn't feel comfortable coming over anymore, especially her cousin. The reason for that is last year he was over visiting and looking at our alarm system. I told him very nicely "Please don't mess with it. If you set it off you'll scare our daughter and hurt her ears." and what does he do? He sets it off and then laughs about it and my wife laughs too! I got upset because our daughter who was 1 1/2 at the time came into the living room crying and saying she was scared and I told her cousin to get out, leave. She says I was being mean and showing my butt and attitude by doing that, but when her "friends" were doing the same to me a couple days ago when I went to check on our daughter she defended them and said they were "only trying to protect her." so I'm getting so many mixed signals here. It's OK for her friends to do it but not anyone else.

I'm lost to be honest and trying to find the best way to go about all this. I really think counseling/therapy would help but I can't force her to do something she is not willing to do.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
She called me a little bit ago and wanted me to come and talk with her at her grandparents house where she is staying for now while they are gone. I told her how I feel about everything and told her I don't want to give up on her yet but I understood how she felt and I understood where she was coming from and that I'm more than willing to give her time and space that she needs. She said she doubts anything will change between us and to not get my hopes up.

She told me that there wasn't anyone else and that she didn't want anyone else especially right now. She told me that she didn't feel "trapped" anymore and that she is emotionally empty inside.

Any advice? I'm trying to prepare for what is coming as far as the whole separation and it's not easy.
 

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The problem here is that she would tell that there isn't someone even if there is.

This family she is staying at, what kind of Husband and wife are they ? Find some info about them if you don't. How did she meet them.

Are we missing some part of the story ? Why was she so scared of you bringing the kid back to the house ?
Any relevant backstory(physical violence etc). If there isn't, something is shady. She is hiding something that she does not want you to know.

And just in case, check her phone records.
 

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It's hard to say what's going on with your wife,but like warlock said you should find out all you can about her friends as you sound woefully uninformed about them.Something does sound shady there.How do they have so much influence over your wife seeing as they only recently renewed contact? If these were friends of hers before you and her were together,what was going on in their lives back then? If you don't know them as well as it appears,it would be in your best interests to find out more,even if only for the fact your young one spends time there.Sorry about your situation and I hope you can find your way through this.Btw,how old are you and your wife?
 

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I'm 25 and she is 22. I'd never heard of this guys wife before and apparently neither did my wife, she knew the guy from when she was younger and they were friends. She said they dated for one day but called it off as they found out they got along better as friends (sound familiar to what she is doing now? She's said the same thing to me the past couple of days) although she has said she's talked to several of her friends about this and they all agree, she's spent most of her time over there listening to this woman tell her stuff.

Some back story:

I suffer from anxiety issues and have been getting treatment since we've gotten married, it's been a rough road for me as I've been trying to fix myself as well as make sure she has been happy. Our daughter came along and for the first couple of months I was doing alright but I started getting stressed out more and worrying about things (money, how are we going to provide for our daughter, making sure our daughter had everything she needed etc.) which of course didn't help my anxiety any so I started trying to cope with it all and the only way I could was to try and relax and spend some time on the computer trying to get myself calmed down again. I told her about this several times and why it was happening and that I just needed time to readjust to things again and she told me she understood and that it was fine.

Well a little bit after our daughter was born we decided to move back to be closer to her family which I was fine with. So we got everything ready, her grandma and mother came and took our daughter ahead of our move date so we could get things ready. We moved about 2 weeks later to her grandparents temporarily while we got our new house finalized and everything (more stress) and I was trying to cope as best as I could with everything going on (new father, new husband for almost a year, new place etc) so it was taking a toll on me but I tried to keep my spirits up and make sure everything got done and that everything and everyone was taken care of. I had been on SSI for a little while and had some back pay that I happily put down on the house (about $5-6k) and the rest that was left over I had spent on getting things for our new house washer, dryer and all the things we would need and things the wife wanted. I had also spent most of that money on our daughter and I didn't care as long as things were taken care of.

Well we move in to our new house and things are going alright, but our daughter has started saying she didn't want daddy she wanted mommy or her great grandma and would cry and cry and cry until one of them came in the room, I of course tried to comfort her and get her to calm down and was doing the best I could. This went on for a couple of months and I was trying my best not to let things get to me and things eventually calm down and our daughter starts wanting to spend time with daddy again.

About this time I started going to a new clinic and the person there started changing my medications around, which threw my body for a loop and I told my wife what was going on and that if I seemed grumpy or anything that I didn't mean it because of the medication changes. This also meant I started stressing out again and my anxiety would kick in and I'd start just going to our room to calm down and I told my wife what was going on again and that I was trying to get things with me back under control and that I didn't want to end up lashing out at anyone due to the medication being switched around and to just give me a little time. Well the clinic continued to switch my medications around and it was horrible for me and I told my wife what they were doing and that I didn't like it one bit and was wanting to change doctors and in this time I was trying so hard to balance everything, my stress, making sure everyone was taken care of, trying to make everyone happy, making sure the mortgage was paid and the electric bill was paid (I pay both).

Well our daughter about 2 months ago started her routine of wanting mommy or great grandma again and it started really getting to me and breaking my heart that our daughter was not wanting daddy to watch her while mommy was at work or went somewhere. She would cry to the point of making herself sick and it broke my heart and I couldn't stand that so I'd take her to her grandma's just so she could calm down and I talked to her about what was going on and that I didn't want to bother her but our daughter was crying so bad she was making herself sick and she didn't mind one bit and understood and said any time I needed to bring her over was fine.

This lead to us having an argument one night because I was so stressed out about everything that I just needed time to myself so I went to our room and got on the computer to just calm down and try to get some stress off me. She started arguing with me saying I spent more time in the room than with her or our daughter, I told her I was trying my best to spend as much time with everyone as I can and she jumped me about our daughter going up to her great grandma's and I told my wife what she was doing and why she was upset and that I didn't know WHY she didn't want to stay with daddy but I wasn't going to let her just lay in the floor crying to the point of her being sick. She said I needed to change and this was the last chance she was giving me and she meant it that she didn't want to argue with me anymore and if we did it was over.

Well fast forward a couple weeks and I'm in and out of our room doing things around the house spending time with everyone and just trying to prove that I'm willing to change. Well then this whole friend thing started and that's when I went to pick up our daughter to spend time with her after she had been over there and it was time for them to come home and that's when she yelled at me and started arguing with me again and said it was over. She said she's the one who works while I just get "free money". She wanted me to work but I've been unable to but I've tried to talk to her about what would we do if we BOTH were working who would look after our daughter? She'd have to go to day care or still be up over at my wife's grandma's and she's already refused to take our daughter to day care as she doesn't trust "1 or 2 people looking after 20 kids" but I've tried talking to her about it many times so that when my wife had days off she could just relax without our daughter running around wanting mommy every minute.

I've told my wife over and over I don't mind watching our daughter be it during the day or at night it didn't bother me one bit to take care of her, but if it's 3 am and our daughter wakes up and I go in there to check on her and she's crying and screaming for mommy and I'd go in there and try to get her to calm down she'd still cry "No I want mommy!" and I'd have to get my wife to calm her down again so she wouldn't cry herself fully awake again.

About a month ago my wife started not doing anything around the house, we'd agreed when we first got the place that I'd take care of laundry and whatever else and all she had to take care of was dishes and trash. Dishes and trash started piling up and backing up and I would gently remind her that they needed to be done and she'd still slack off on them. She finally told me she didn't know why I didn't do everything while she was at work. I just reminded her that we had agreed on what we would do but it didn't seem to matter, she wants me to do everything around the house and watch our daughter while she is at work! I just started feeling like she just wanted to go to work, come home and be free of having to do anything besides sitting down and watching TV or messing on her laptop.

Well now that she has pulled all this the last week she's been just driving around having her friends watch our daughter while she just sits around or talks and hangs out with her friends. She wants our daughter but I don't feel she wants the responsibility of actually having her as far as taking care of her goes. It's seemed like she wants everyone else to take care of our daughter while she does whatever she wants to do which is mostly just sit there and mess around on facebook.

So by me trying to make sure everything was taken care of and that our daughter had everything she needed and trying to take care of our daughter the best I could while seeking out help from my wife's grandparents when our daughter was throwing fits and not wanting "daddy", we had an appointment to see a psychiatrist for our daughter to figure out why she's behaving the way she is, the wife had to work and couldn't get off to go and I wanted her to come along because I wanted everyone to participate and the wife says it'll be fine as long as 1 parent is there. I told my wife to reschedule the appointment for a time we could all go because I didn't know what days my wife had off, she never did. I had taken our daughter the same day to the WIC office to make sure she got her WIC, which they gave us a month worth but my wife would have to come in and sign for the rest. She hasn't gone to sign for the rest of the WIC yet. Food stamps renewl form came in the mail when she start this whole friend thing, she told me "just fill it out you know most of my information and I'll finish filling it out.", I filled out as much as I could, it's still sitting on the table waiting for her to finish it and I've reminded her a couple times already. The nutritionist at the WIC office is worried about our daughter and her weight, ever since my wife started this whole thing the past week, our daughter has been eating out for almost every dinner.

So that's the back story and the holes filled in. ANY advice is very welcome!
 

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Just a little update: I went to her grandparents today about noon to spend some time with our daughter, our daughter was still asleep and a friend of hers was over there and her grandfather told me he is not allowed to be there. So I told my wife that and he was still hovering over us while I was in there with our daughter as she was starting to wake up, I finally told this guy that I'm spending time with my daughter and I didn't need him hovering over us and my wife talked him into leaving. Wife said she had a nightmare that I took our daughter from her and when she woke up all she saw was a lump under the covers where our daughter was sleeping and thought it was just the pillow and "freaked out" about it.

So our daughter woke up, she was SOAKING WET and her pamper was FULL and there were several wet spots on the sheet. I noticed that it was the same sheet from yesterday that she woke up on and had once again over flowed her pamper and wet the bed, it hadn't been changed yet.

Our daughter was starting to get diaper rash from the soaked pamper. So she left to go hang out and our daughter is down at our house playing with my father (he drove all the way up here yesterday when he heard what was going on) so I've been taking care of her for most of the day and letting her play with her grandfather (she's super excited over it, and happy to be back home!) and I've given her a bath, got her all cleaned up, she hasn't had a bath in I don't know how many days.

I've also been working on getting her hair untangled as it was a big mess full of knots when I brought her down here.

My wife also said last night that our daughter went to bed about 2AM!!!!!!!! She said she got tired and went and laid down in bed and left our 3 year old up watching cartoons until she came in the room about 2 AM to lay down. She's been letting our daughter stay up as late as she wants and been letting her sleep in as late as she wants!!

ANY advice on this? Any advice would be very appreciated. I'm worried for our daughter and our wife said because I said in the past that she was difficult and going through a phase and that it was hard for me to handle her sometimes (what parents doesn't think that when their kid is going through their 2-3 year old stage? lol.) that I wouldn't be able to handle our daughter or take care of her!

She's also trying to get ME to move out of the house I pay for and keeps telling me and pushing the subject of me moving out, I feel this is some kind of tactic to get me away so she can say I left and moved out and not the other way around.
 

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Never leave the marital home this only gives your wife more leveage by claiming you abandoned the family.

By a VAR and keep it with you, maybe buy two and plant one in the baby bag so no one can find it. The VAR you have on you will prevent your wife from false acusations if she calls the cops on you to get you to leave. But three and plant one in her car.


Next time she takes off with the kid call child protection services and tell them whats going ON and ask for a welfare check on your daughter. Infact next time she's gone for days call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on your kid. Documant these contact and who you talked to.

If any of these agentcies take action great, if not at least you namse and dates for future refrence.

Right now get a note book and write the date and time that these event are taking place, and keep updating the journal. In time you will loose the exact dates with all this crazyness. This journal is the most important thing you need to do.


Once a pattern is established thru your journal the CPS and the cops it will give you the ammunition for when you wifes goes off the deep end and you have no other choice but to go to court.

Once your kid is protected then you can work on her affair.....or what ever is influencing her current behavior. There is something that is beeing done to your wife that is causing her to be emotionally unhealthy. Someone has control over your wife, but the impotant thing is proving a pattern of child neglect and acting on it. I also suggest you do a back round check on these new friends of hers.


And call a lawyer now!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks the guy. I've had our daughter all day and keeping her overnight and she seems to be excited to be at home where all her toys are and her bed. My father watched her while I went to the store and got another car seat for her as my wife has the only car seat we have (we swapped out when needed) so that should I need to take our daughter anywhere I can now without having to worry about all that. Also made sure to get extra things (diapers, milk etc.) for our daughter which I'm going to keep here at the house and out of the way so she doesn't find them and take them.

I played with her all day outside and took her to town to play in the play place at McDonald's (she likes the slide there) and she played with other kids that were there and had a great time! It made me SO HAPPY to see our daughter having so much fun. I also took the time to give her a bath (unsure when her last one was, but I know it's been awhile) and worked on getting the knots out of her hair. So our daughter had a full day today with daddy and is fast asleep when she should be right now.

It broke my heart to have to work them knots out as she was crying and saying it hurt, it broke my heart seeing her looking that way AGAIN. Even before the wife decided to leave right before all this, her hair was in knots and I had to help work them out. She tried one morning but I walked in as she was brushing our daughters hair and just told our daughter "Fine. Go on then I don't care." because our daughter was fussing about it hurting her (I know it hurt when I sometimes got knots in my hair when I was younger!) but she just gave up and I just calmly told my wife "Just calm down and have a little patience ok?" and mind you this was right before she decided to split, and I got down on the floor and had our daughter sit in my lap while I tried to work the knots out, my wife was "trying" to help but didn't seem interested or really even trying to comfort our daughter as I as gently as could be tried to work the knots out even by hand, that is until that afternoon when her friend came over and brushed her hair and she magically was the good mom and was holding our daughter and trying to comfort her and all this.

I also went ahead and got a voice recorder under your advice. I had been thinking about that as I wanted to have some proof of our conversations just in case. She already told me I had better not of planted any "listening devices or trackers (???)" on her and of course I hadn't so told her the truth about that but she seems afraid of me recording what she's saying while I'm not around :rolleyes:.

I'm going to be working on the lawyer, I just have to find someone as to be quite honest I'm not rich but get enough money to get by so I'm not sure how that works (maybe someone can let me know from experience) but I am working on it.

My wife said she's glad to have her friends backing her because it's 3 against 1 (her friends vs me) and now 3 against 2, me and my father, but he's only here to visit his grand daughter as my wife already run my family off once this month when they were suppose to come up and spend time with our grand daughter (my family lives about 500 miles away) and caused my mom and father to have to go home once already, my father came back up but my mom stayed at home as she was devastated by what my wife had done and how she refused to let my parents spend any time with their grand daughter.

Some more information I got about these "friends" the one she knows is married to the woman who is giving her advice, the roommate is staying there for free and doesn't work or anything and I was told he tends to think violence is the answer to everything (he's already threatened me once) and I've heard my wife saying over the phone (she borrowed someones phone because hers "doesn't work" anymore) that she told the friend she knows to tell this other guy to "calm down everything is ok" when I was up there today visiting our daughter and after I told her friend that he needed to leave as her grandparents told me that the friend or anyone associated with him IS NOT allowed on their property and if he is up there and doesn't leave to call them right away but anyways she goes "Oh he won't hurt our daughter, I'd never take her around people who would hurt her." but the point is this guy has people over all the time and is not someone our daughter needs to be around at all!

Sorry to be long winded just it helps me to write everything out to get my thoughts organized and well to get any advice I can get as any is always welcome! Thank you all so very much for lending an ear so to say and helping. I know I have my father here but I'm not letting him be a "crutch" so to speak in all of this. Thanks again everyone! I hope ya'll don't mind if I keep this thread updated as things go on.
 

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I got one!

OK whenever you hear the words "I don't love you.....", or "I don't feel the same way about you" take a look at the key words having to do with feelings. You might have also heard the follow up phrases to this too dealing with you not doing things to help around the house or taking her out to dinner..... but don't beieve the BULLSH!T! You could be doing everything perfect and she STILL would find problems with you.

What she's really saying is "I AM BORED/BORED WITH YOU"!

What's I believe happened here is that she entered into marriage with all of these great expectations of what it would be like. She told herself she would never be depessed again and everything would be just as perfect as it seemed when you were dating. So she's bored and depressed and not knowing that she has the power to fix this herself she attaches that depressed feeling into being with you. She's coming down off of a dopamine high triggered off and on as well as realizing..... married life isn't fun. Married people get bored and have to deal with children acting up, but that's just how it works. Get it? She's bored and dissapointed with herself.

Now what I see happening here is she's preparing to divorce you and has been for a good while. Those friends could be some weird open marriage threeway, but I doubt it if the daughter is there because she would be pickng up on the vibe... or see something she can't understand. Children know! No, what appears to be happening is she's with that friend because that toxc friend is telling her wat she wants to hear and kissing her ass the way she likes in order to be closer to her. That woman is the real opposition here.... you may be able to smooth things over with your wife and have a good day but then she will come home and be reprogrammed.

I've been in this position before where I had to deal with dirty and guilty feelings from the ex wife's friends who knew what she was up to, and I've seen it enough on here to know exaclty what to do. Buddy, you're going to have to leave her alone and agree with her feelings. By that I mean tell her you're fine with her decision to divorce and that you realize you both need some space at this time..... then be consistent with your decision and actually stop bugging her completely.

Then get on with your life for the next month or two and do your best to stop looking for exuses and exceptions for her bad behavior. She's firing you as her husband so that means you no longer have to call her and be her punching bag or grief counelor. Get it? Now here's the beautiful part of the 180 when you do it in time and completely detach yourself..... she'll stop bashing you with her problems and actually be forced to look within. She'll more than likely also rage on for a few weeks trying to get you fighting with her or attempt to "tag" or sleep with you in order to keep you hooked on her and maintain control of you. Put up boundaries now and refuse to let her do that or god forbid use your daughter as bait to get you into trouble.... All you have to do is basically give her the silent treatment and find ways to enjoy yourself all the while knowing the golen rule.... divorce does NOT mean happiness and YOU have a better chance to reconcile because of your daughter. But that's the long term 180 with visitation which I won't go into.
 

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Thank you! That's what I had been thinking in my head the past couple of days but it was hard to really sort out that feeling with everything else floating around.

We have had some little spats here and there about me "not doing things" to which point I would start doing MORE to get her attention that hey I'm doing things around here! but it seemed to me she didn't really care because I never heard her tell me anything positive about what I was doing, the occasional "Thank You" which she would bring up when I said how come she didn't let me know or show any gratitude about what I was doing (instead of picking on every little thing I wasn't/didn't do that day) and she would bring up the "Well I told you Thank You." and of course I would always fall back into a slump because I thought why do I even bother, she doesn't seem to care and just brings up more of what I haven't done.

She read a lot of romance books and watched a lot of romance movies and told me she wanted things to be like that! I thought to myself at the time I hope she knows those are fiction and real life doesn't work that way. But didn't say anything, THAT should have been red flag number one for me but I let it slide as "wishful thinking, we all do it" and didn't pay it no mind.

For the first couple of months after our daughter was born I was the one up all the time with her and taking care of her while the wife was at work and sometimes my mother would come and give me a little break right before the wife got home and the wife always complained I wasn't watching our daughter. After a couple of months of this I was burnt out to be quite honest and I started telling my wife we both needed to be taking care of things, even if it was one gets up and then the other takes the next time while we were sleeping so that we both had a chance to get some rest. She did this for a little while and it gave me a slight break at night but I still had to take care of her during the day, I didn't mind it one bit but without having hardly any breaks it does wear ya down.

I told the wife that I needed a break every now and then if that was ok. She agreed and I would get a day off here and there, and the wife started complaining that I was no longer interested in our daughter anymore or her! Red Flag number 2.

The past couple of months the wife started slacking off and not wanting to do anything around the house and I would ask her to do something like take the trash away and she said she would get to it and never would. Things got bad from her not wanting to do anything (The old famous "Why don't you do it when you're free? You don't do anything!" would be flung in my face) to the point I MADE her take trash off (she has a truck so it was easier to load it and take it off when needed) and she wasn't too happy about it. Dishes wouldn't get done and to be honest I wanted to see just how long she would let things go before she did anything. I'd reminder her every so often about it but wouldn't push it and she'd get upset.

That should have been Red Flag number 3 for me, had I been keeping count that is, but why would I? I knew life wasn't just handed to you, especially once you had a child and only became more of a challenge so I wasn't expecting everything to be "perfect" or "paradise" I was expecting things to be well, "adult" and dealing with our child (and she can be a handful!) and everything that comes with it. I guess this wasn't part of her romance books or movies where they dealt with having and raising a child.

I'm currently writing a journal of all events leading up to the event that caused all this as well as everything after so that I have my own writings which I can give to a lawyer when the time comes or should I need a log of everything that's been done for CPS or anyone else that might need it.
 

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CJ,jeez man,I feel so sorry for you and your daughter.If I were to look way back in my past I could very easily associate your wife,the violent unemployed guy who has lots of visitors and the weird married couple with using and/or dealing drugs.Could your wife be using? Btw,there is some particular reason that the grandparents don't want that guy around their home,so they could know more than they are telling you,as maybe they are trying to protect your wife.Maybe they don't want to say too much because if he gets in trouble,she gets in trouble.Truth is it could be anything I guess.Like the guy posted gather and document as much information as you can.Take care of yourself and the little one.
 

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At this point I'm not sure of much of anything. Hindsight is always 20-20 and bites ya in the rear huh? She told me yesterday she'd started smoking about a month ago to "cope with the stress but I can quite any time I want to, just don't tell anyone especially my grandparents." so no telling to be honest. If I found out they are and did it around my daughter I don't care if it means my wife will go to jail and hey maybe while she is there she can actually think about what she is doing but that's one big no no on my list to be anywhere around that type of stuff and it should be on hers too if she has any common sense left.

To top all this off, I've been doing all this while having to deal with having possible pneumonia but I'm not letting it hold me down or get in the way of spending every second I can with our daughter and taking care of her.
 

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I've also decided I don't care if the wife comes along or not but I am going to reschedule the appointment for the child psychitrist she is suppose to see to figure out these emotional outbursts she has had for the past couple of months. Had to cancel the last one due to the wife having to work and I wanted both of us to go and take care of what problems our daughter might be having (wife states "Well one parent being there should be fine, you can just come home and tell me what they said." ......

So I've decided I'll go ahead and reschedule that appointment and if the wife has to work or doesn't want to go well that's her own fault, I'll take our daughter there even if it has to be just me and her because she is my main priority right now. Our daughter shouldn't have to suffer because of what mommy doesn't want to do.
 

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this is a good thought!!!take care if you and daughter for now in an honest manner.

with time you will understand what else is going on;have faith and patience;
 

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Still have our daughter at the moment, she's eating lunch (home cooked spaghetti that I make, she LOVES it) but was a little troubled when she said she wanted it cooked in the microwave. The only thing I could think of is she's been eating canned food the past week or so or eating out, both are not good in my eyes. I understand canned food every now and again (sometimes you just don't have time to cook!) but not as a main source all the time.

I called our daughters doctors office and re-scheduled the appointment for tomorrow and will be taking her even if the wife doesn't go. I just hope she doesn't take our daughter away again to avoid going. Working on finding a lawyer also, I've started the 180 since yesterday and I am not going to let her get me down again like she did when she told me she wanted to separate. I'm going to show her I'm doing just fine even without her here. I'm also not going to let her talk me into leaving the house since SHE is the one who decided to leave and wants the separation.
 

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She told me that there wasn't anyone else and that she didn't want anyone else especially right now. She told me that she didn't feel "trapped" anymore and that she is emotionally empty inside.

Any advice? I'm trying to prepare for what is coming as far as the whole separation and it's not easy.
My guess is that you don't know it, but you're domineering toward her. You're probably a take-charge kind of guy who doesn't dilly dally around with words too much and acts. The way things went with you picking her and your daughter up from her friend's place suggests that.

Now, I'm not trying to insult you or call you controlling, but her words, that she doesn't feel "trapped" anymore suggest that she feels controlled or dominated by you. You may not be intentionally doing this (and in fact, your words and the fact that you're seeking advice suggests that you are not intentionally doing this), but she feels like she cannot stand up to you in a disagreement or a dispute. She is probably not able to assert herself and that's why she is feeling trapped.

She needs counseling. I don't recommend bullying her or being overly pushy in general, but I do think you should push the idea of marriage counseling (and/or or independent counseling) a little more firmly. The reason I suggest this is because her response to your suggestion of MC was met not with vehemence but with hopelessness; she didn't say "no way in heck I want that!" but "what's the point, you who knows me so well can't read/understand me, so how can someone else?" I'm guessing that she feels deeply disappointed by your inability to read her mind or her subtle assertiveness and that she does not realize that she is being a doormat. I'm a recovering doormat, myself, so in your descriptions of her, I see things that make sense to me. (I thought counseling would be useless until I found a good counselor and then I opened up to myself, didn't realize until then how much of myself I'd suppressed in an effort to keep the waters steady in my relationship with stbxh).

Maybe she's cheating, maybe she's having a midlife crisis, maybe she's in a place where she is trying to figure herself out, but I doubt the first two; she did latch on to one set of friends and avoid all the others and avoid you because she is probably looking for a sole guide who is on her side out of her emotional swamp and the many voices would confuse her. Better to make that voice of reason a professional counselor who can help her find the self that she seems to have lost in marriage and motherhood.

I'm guessing that you're an assertive guy and she's a rather passive gal in your marriage. Does she compromise easily and accommodate often? Does she seem reluctant about things or flail about feeling hopeless when she disagrees? I could be misreading your situation and projecting my own issues, but, maybe think about your dynamic and maybe just be honest with yourself about whether or not you thinks he might feel a little trampled? Space, time, understanding, and counseling might help.
 

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Also, how are you going about 180? I hope you're not just giving her the cold shoulder or something.

I think that she is demonstrating how confused and vulnerable she is right now and that you shouldn't make her feel more pressured. I think this is a good time for dialogue and really talking about the things that you disagree about to see if it is possible or not for you guys to remain married.

Look at the places where you have very strong opinions and where you expect her to fall in line, regardless of whether or not she agrees. There has to be give and take on both sides. When you're separated, it's easy to get defensive and wall yourself up behind your complaints about your spouse's faults, but that won't necessarily help you solve the problem, I think. If nothing else, you guys have to figure out how to solve your disputes for the sake of future co-parenting. Take a step back and be willing to find fault in yourself, too. Go back and look at post #11. Sounds like you both got into a difficult dynamic when the crisis was in full-swing and she has stayed "on eggshells" without being able to right herself; don't assign blame, just look at the dynamic between you two to see where the imbalance is.

The 180 is definitely meant to help you detach and separate, but shouldn't put you in a staunchly adversarial relationship with your spouse, especially since you aren't trying to reinforce some agenda as with not tolerating an affair or something.

What books have you been reading to think about your own dynamic? I hope you're also taking care of yourself -- gym, social life, reading, relaxing, stuff like that...the tension will go up throughout this time.
 
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